Always and Forever
by ahopefulauthor
Summary: Alex finds out the niece she always thought was dead is really alive, and has come to meet her. Demons from Alex's past come back to haunt her and she turns to her best friend, Olivia. Can Olivia help her overcome her hurt and learn to trust again? AO.
1. I thought you were dead

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em.

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The rain was pouring outside, but she wasn't sure she could hear it over the beating of her heart. She stared at the piece of paper in her hand, studying the words on it carefully. This was the right place. This was where she needed to be. Now, if she could only gather up the courage to step out of the cab and walk inside.

"Hey lady," the cab driver said angrily, "I ain't got all day."

She wiped a tear from her eye and smiled. "Yea, sorry. Thanks." She grabbed her umbrella and handed him a twenty, telling him to keep the change. It was a large tip, since the fare only cost her twelve dollars, but she was in a giving mood. She pulled her long blonde hair back onto a ponytail, slowly opened the door, stuck her umbrella out and opened it, and stepped outside. She had to hold onto the umbrella with both hands because the wind was blowing so hard, but she managed to get to the building quickly and stay relatively dry.

The building looked even bigger inside than it did outside. The lobby was huge, the support pillars were huge, even the damn elevators were huge. She looked at the piece of paper again and made her way towards the security desk. She smiled at the guard as she handed him her purse. "My name is Jessica Michaels. I'm here to see Alexandra Cabot. Can you tell me what floor she's on?" She lied, knowing full well where the office was. She just wanted to avoid any extra attention. The guard had never seen her before, and she knew if she waltzed right in like she knew exactly where she was going, someone was bound to notice.

The officer smiled as he handed her purse back to her. "Yea, I know Alex. She's up on the sixth floor. Office six-thirty-four. She your lawyer?"

"Uhhh, not really, no," she answered, slightly confused. Why the third degree? She shrugged it off, attributing it to nerves and her own paranoia about the entire situation. "I'm here on a personal matter."

"Oh, okay. Well tell her I said hi. The name's Larry."

"Will do. Thank you." She slung her purse over her shoulder and made her way to the elevator. She tapped her foot nervously as she waited for an elevator to arrive. She tried to avoid looking at people without appearing suspicious. Occasionally, when a person seemed determined to make eye contact, she would smile politely, but otherwise, she kept her focus on her tapping foot.

When the doors finally opened, she found herself being pushed in all directions by people trying to get on and off. She rolled her eyes and pressed forward, determined not to have to wait for the next elevator. She squeezed in between several people and pressed the six button. Now all she could do was wait. She closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing under control. To anyone who was watching her, she must have looked like she was the most nervous person in the world, which was exactly what she was trying to avoid. Walking into a huge law firm while looking like you're about to blow up the place isn't a good idea. Still, she couldn't stop herself. This was quite possibly the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life.

The doors opened and she took a deep breath as she stepped out of the elevator. She was amazed at the amount of people walking around busily. Her heart sunk. She hadn't expected there to be this many people. She took a deep breath and tried to convince herself it would be okay. This was a law firm after all, and a big one at that. Alexandra Cabot was the bureau chief, so it was obvious that she would have a lot of people around. She just prayed she could get a moment alone with the woman. She didn't need a lot of time. This was going to be a hit or miss deal.

She walked up the reception desk, which was just to the right of the elevators. She figured that would be a better idea than just walking in and going straight towards her destination. Besides, she wasn't sure which hallway to take. A young woman, probably in her mid twenties, was sitting behind it, chewing her gum and looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. "Can I help you?" she asked, annoyed, as Jess approached the desk.

Jessica smiled politely, though she knew this woman wasn't going to be pleasant. "Yes. I'm here to see Alexandra Cabot."

"You got an appointment?"

"No. Do I need one?"

The girl chewed her gum loudly. "She don't like seeing people without an appointment."

Jessica rolled her eyes. "Well, will she see me now or should I come back later?"

After flipping through an appointment notebook, the girl looked up. "You're in luck. She's free for the afternoon. Don't be surprised if she chews your head off. She's a bitch and really hates when people just barge in on her."

"Well, thanks. I'll be sure to tell her what a huge help you were." Jessica said as she rolled her eyes and made her down the hall towards the office. Alex's door was the last one on the left. Even though it was closed, Jessica could tell it was a nice office. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before knocking on the door.

"What?" came an annoyed voice from inside.

Jessica slowly opened the door and stuck her head in. "Do you have a minute?"

Alex was sitting at her desk, finishing some paperwork. She didn't even bother to look up. "Do you have an appointment?"

"Uh, no. I was just-"

"Look, I'm really busy. Go talk to the receptionist. I'm sure she'll be glad to help you."

Jessica swallowed and stepped fully into the office. Alex still hadn't looked up from her paperwork. "Yea, I talked to Betsy. She wasn't exactly helpful. Oh, and Larry the security guy says hi."

"What? Look, all complaints can be filed either at the security desk or with one of the ADAs. Talk with Betsy and she'll set you up with an appointment."

"I'm not trying to file a complaint."

"If you're trying to get out of jury duty-"

"I'm not trying to get out of jury duty." Jess said, trying to stay calm. Alex was definitely getting annoyed, and had yet to look up at her.

"Well regardless of what it is, I'm sure you're in the wrong spot. If you go down the hall, Betsy will help you. Tell her I'll fire her if she doesn't."

She looked at the picture in her hands. "I don't think I'm in the wrong spot."

"Look, I-" she set her pen down angrily and looked up, then stopped. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Holy shit, you're alive." She said quietly.

Jessica smiled nervously. "You're Sarah Cabot aren't you? I mean I know it says Alexandra on the door, but you're her aren't you?"

This wasn't happening. It wasn't possible. This girl was supposed to have died almost twenty-five years ago. She closed her eyes and tried to shake it out. "I…I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. You're her. You're Sarah. You're my aunt. I have the adoption papers and I looked you up. I'm sure of it."

"Where the hell do you get off barging in here like this, asking me something like that? You don't even call or anything-"

"So you are Sarah Cabot?"

Alex stiffened, "I haven't been Sarah Cabot since I was eighteen. Now get out of my office before I call security." She went back to her desk and tried to do her paperwork.

"Wait, please, just hear me out. Please?"

Sarah (or Alexandra as the door read) raised her eyebrows in annoyance but didn't offer any rebuttal.

"Thank you," Jess replied graciously. "I don't expect you to do anything with this, but I just wanted to meet you. My name is Jessica Matthews and I'm twenty-four. When I was three months old, I was adopted by a Mary and Mark Matthews. My mother was a sixteen-year-old girl named Alexandra Cabot, but I know you're not her, because you're not old enough. I know she had a younger sister named Sarah. That's you, right?"

Alex couldn't believe what she was hearing. "But you're dead. You died when you were three months old."

"Well I'm not really sure what you're talking about, but I can assure you that I'm not dead. How else would I be standing here?"

"But if you've been alive all this time, how did you…why didn't you…what-"

Jess shook her head. "I didn't know. I had no idea I was adopted, though I always felt like I didn't belong. They were so different than me. They were both scientist and mathematicians. I hated that stuff and barely got through. I was more into sociology and graphic design. Oddly enough, I'm even taking a few law classes right now."

Alex put her hand over her mouth and tried not to cry. She ran over and hugged the girl. She had been six when Jessica was born, and had always believed that she had been killed in the car accident that killed her sister. What the hell was going on? Was her sister's death a big hoax? She couldn't think straight. She had to sit down. She suddenly felt guilty for never trying to locate the girl, even though she knew she had no reason to feel that way. After all, she thought she was dead. Still, the feeling remained. "Do you hate me?"

Jess was a little surprised at Alex's reaction, but she returned the hug. "How can I hate somebody I don't even know?"

Alex laughed. "I mean, I always thought you were dead. When you found out you were adopted, I can't even imagine what you must have thought. Nobody ever tried to contact you or anything. You must have felt so abandoned."

Jess pulled out of the hug and looked up at the now crying woman. "What? I wasn't abandoned. Abandoning me would have meant I was left on someone's doorstep or in a dumpster." Jess hesitated before adding the next part, knowing it wasn't true but that it was what Alex needed to hear right now. "I was given to an amazing couple who loved me very much."

Wiping her eyes, Alex tried to smile. "So you're not mad?"

Jess took a deep breath. "At you? No. At my parents? Yes. I only found out because they died in a car accident about a year ago. I guess I feel like a little betrayed by my parents because they never told me."

"But they were good to you?"

Jess could tell that Alex was genuinely concerned, but she also detected a sense of urgency in her voice, like she was in a hurry to get through this. "They were wonderful parents," she lied again, hoping she sounded convincing. "They gave me everything I ever needed."

"Good," Alex said, looking nervously at her watch. "That's good."

"Look, if you want me to leave, just say so. I know this is…weird."

Alex shook her head. "No, I-I don't want you to leave. It's just that, well nobody here even knows I had a sister. I just recently got engaged and even he doesn't know."

"I don't want to ruin anything for you," Jessica said honestly. "I can leave now with no hard feelings."

Alex couldn't explain it, but she felt something inside her telling her that she needed to get to know this girl. "I…I want to get to know you. Just, I…I need a little time. I need to tell my fiancé. I really, really want to get to know you."

Jess felt her eyes tearing. "I really want to get to know you, too."

"Really?" Her breathing was slowly returning to normal.

"Of course I do. My whole life I've always felt like I was different. My aunts and uncles always treated me differently than everybody else. They weren't bad to me, but I could tell I wasn't their favorite. They were practically ready to disown me when they found out I wasn't going to be a doctor. When I found those adoption papers after my parents died, I had to know where I came from."

Relief flooded over Alex. "I'm so glad you had at least a semi-decent life. I'm so sorry I didn't try to question my sister's death more. I'm so sorry I never found you."

Jessica put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Hey," she said gently. "You were six.

There's nothing you could have done. I-"

There was a knock at the door and it opened slowly. A man in his mid thirties popped his head in. "Oh, sorry honey. Didn't realize you were with a client." He pulled his head back out and shut the door.

Jessica smiled and raised her eyebrows approvingly. "Not bad."

"What? Oh, yea. We're having lunch. I, um, I don't know how to tell him about you. He's a good guy-a really good guy. I'm sure he'd understand. I just…"

"Look, give it time. I mean, you just met me today. Lets get to know each other before we do anything. You've got an entire life that doesn't involve me. I would hate to ruin that for you."

Alex shook her head. The girl was right. She did have her entire life to think about. She wouldn't lose her job or anything, but Max, well he was another story. She wasn't sure how he was going to take the fact that she'd had an older sister who died. Right now though, all she could do was tell him and pray he didn't hate her afterwards. She desperately wanted, no needed, to get to know Jessica. She just hoped that Max would understand.

"You wouldn't ruin anything," Alex told her. "If Max and I fall apart after I tell him, it won't be because of you. It'll be mine for not telling him about you sooner. Right now though, I've really got to run. I guess now's as good a time as any to tell him."

Jessica was concerned. The last thing she wanted was for this woman's life to fall apart. "Are you sure?"

"No," Alex answered nervously. "but I feel like I have to know you. I feel like a piece of me has always been missing and now I have the chance to get it back. This is something I have to do."

Jessica nodded understandingly. "Well why don't I let you go to lunch and I'll head over to my psych class."

"Okay," Alex said. She went over to her desk and pulled out a pen and piece of paper. "Here's my address and phone number. Are you free tonight?"

"Uh, yea," Jess said, not expecting Alex to want to get together so soon.

"Okay good. I'll talk to Max this afternoon. How about you come over around seven and I'll cook you dinner?"

"Oh, you don't have to-"

"I want to. I want to get to know you, and I want hear about your parents and your life."

"Okay. That sounds good." She promised Alex she'd be there around seven. They hugged and parted to go their separate ways.


	2. Please don't leave

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em.

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Hey sweetie, sorry to keep you waiting," Alex said as she kissed Max on the cheek and they headed out to lunch.

"No problem. You still up for Applebees?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Yea. I, um, I want to talk to you about something though. It's kind of important."

"Alex, if your Aunt Mary really wants to sing at our wedding, I'm sure we can figure out something-"

"No, it's not that. It's…well…let's just wait until we get there."

Max stopped walking and grabbed her shoulder gently. "Honey, are you okay?" His voice was full of concern.

She nodded, though unconvincingly. "Yea. I'm fine. Let's just get to the restaurant. I'll tell you everything once we're sitting down."

Max wasn't sure how to react, so he just allowed her to lead. He was apprehensive about what she was going to tell him, and he didn't even try to repress his fear. Something wasn't right, and he was going to get to the bottom of it. When they finally arrived, Alex insisted on sitting in the back, which only added to Max's nervousness. She usually wanted to sit up at the bar and talk with the other customers. Max knew she sometimes liked her privacy, but this was too much. "So, Alex, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She knew she had to tell him. She had to tell him about Jessica. There was also something she hadn't told Jessica. When she was fourteen, she'd had a baby. That was what was haunting her the most. Max had to know that, too. She prayed he would understand. She'd already told him about her first husband. Jack had hit her a few times before she'd finally gotten the courage to leave him. Max had seemed so proud of her when she told him, which wasn't easy for her to do. Now, hating that she was keeping this from him, she struggled to find the right words. "Lets just get our drinks first."

"That bad huh?" He asked, annoyance creeping in slightly. "Look, if you're thinking about leaving-"

Alex looked up, her eyes wide. "NO! No, no, no…That's, that's not it. I mean, if one of us is leaving, it'll probably be you."

He held her hands in his and tried to sound concerned, though he was worried that whatever she was going to tell him was going to destroy their relationship. "Alex, honey, what's going on? Talk to me."

She squeezed his hands, but before she could answer, the waitress arrived with their food. They thanked her and told her that they were fine when she asked if they needed anything else. As soon as she left, Alex looked up at Max again.

"Before I say anything Max," she told him nervously. "I want you to know that I love you so, so much. You were my rock while I was trying to deal with Jack and everything he did. I love you more than I love anything else in this entire world. Do you know that?"

"Baby, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

"I haven't been completely honest with you." Alex said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"What are you talking about?"

This was even harder than she thought it was going to be. She took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with. "I had a baby, Max."

"What?" Max asked, anger beginning to rush in.

"Max, I am so, so sorry."

"When?" He demanded, already so angry with her for not telling him something this big that he wanted to storm off.

"When I was fourteen."

"What the hell were you doing having unprotected sex when you were fourteen?"

Tears filled her eyes as she tried to ease his anger. No, Max, it's not what you think. I-I was-"

"You were stupid enough to get caught." He stood up, ready to leave.

"Please, Max, just listen! I-"

"You were sleeping around and you made a mistake." He began gathering his things. "I knew you were too good to be true."

"Max, it's-" she pleaded, tears running down her cheeks.

"Just," he said as he raised his hand to quiet her. "Explain why you waited so long to tell me. We've been together for eleven months! Why did you wait until after I proposed to you to tell me?"

"I was scared!" she could feel her voice rising but she didn't care. "I was scared of what you'd think of me if you know. I always wanted to tell you. When that girl walked into my office today-"

"You mean she wasn't a client?" Max yelled. "That girl I saw was your daughter?"

Alex looked away as realized she was so upset she could barely breathe. "She's my niece. My daughter was…she was stillborn." She knew his first wife had cheated on him several times, so he had trust issues, and she knew this wasn't helping at all. She looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Look, Max, it wasn't my-"

"Good bye, Alex." He said, dropping his money for lunch on the table, then turned to leave.

"No! Please Max, I was-"

"_Good bye_ Alex." He said definitively, then left.

She watched him leave, tears falling down her cheeks. "I was raped." She said, so quietly she wasn't sure if she'd even said it aloud.


	3. Earth to Jessica

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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"Jessica? Helloooooo? Earth to Jessica!"

Jessica felt someone tapping her shoulder. She looked up and saw Dr. Pryman, her Psychology professor, concern all over her face. Had she fallen asleep? She didn't think so. She'd been thinking about Alex. She knew Alex was telling Max about her and she couldn't help but worry. What if she'd messed everything up by coming here? Had she just ruined this poor woman's life?

"Honey, are you okay?" Dr. Pryman asked.

"Oh, yea. I'm fine. Sorry."

It was obvious that Dr. Pryman didn't believe her, but there wasn't much she could do with a classroom full of students. She forced a smile, trying ot make Jessica feel more comfortable. "I swear you've got to be the first student in here to ever fall asleep with her eyes open."

Jessica smiled and their eyes met. She nodded slightly to thank her for trying to draw away all the attention. Dr. Pryman had always been one of her favorite teachers. When her parents had died, it had been Dr. Pryman who had first offered a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Jessica would never forget that.

"I just didn't sleep well last night," she told her. "Sorry."

"Okay, well let's get back to this review. You guys have an exam next week."

Dr. Pryman walked back to the front of the classroom and continued with the review. Jessica tried to follow along, but she couldn't help worrying about Alex. She took comfort in knowing that she could get a 60 on this exam and still pull an A in the class. The review wasn't really necessary for her. She just wanted attendance credit.

When the class was dismissed, Jessica stayed behind. She knew dr. Pryman had office hours immediately following the lecture, and she hoped she could talk for a little while.

"Jess, dear, are you sure everything's okay?" Dr. Pryman asked once everybody else had left.

Jessica gathered her things slowly and walked up to her teacher. She took a deep breath. "I…I found her."

Dr. Pryman's eyebrows narrowed in confusion. "You found who?"

"My birth mother…well, she's my birth mother's younger sister. I don't know where my birth mother is, but the woman I met today, she looks just like me. There's no way she's my birth mother. She's too young."

It took Dr. Pryman a minute to process everything Jessica had just told her. She knew that Jess was looking for her birth mother. She was always confident that she was always confident that she would eventually find her, but there was no guarantee that she would be close. There was excitement in Jess' eyes, but there was also fear. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I thought this was what you wanted."

Jess nodded her head. "It is! I'm so happy I found her!"

"Did she deny you were her niece?"

She shook her head. "No. Well, at first she didn't want to admit it. It took a while for me to even get her to look up from her desk, but once she saw me, she knew who I was. After that it took a little longer to get her to calm down, but then she started smiling. She didn't really say much. She said she had a lunch date…" she looked away.

"And?" Dr. Pryman asked.

"And I think that's where I ruined her life. She told me she'd just gotten engaged and that nobody even knew that she had a sister. I tried to get her to tell me about her, but she avoided my questions. She just kept telling me that she had to go. She said she wanted me to come over tonight for dinner, said she wanted to get to know me. I still haven't decided if I'm going."

"Do you want to get to know her?"

"Of course I do! I just-"

"Then go."

Jessica sighed. "But what if I've ruined her life by coming here?"

Dr. Pryman put a hand on Jessica's shoulder. "Jess, you've been searching for your birth mother for a year. Now, you've found someone close to her. get to know this woman. By what you've told me, she sounds like she wants to get to know you. As for you ruining her life, if that fiancé of hers leaves her for this, he's not good enough for her."

Trying to force a smile, Jessica nodded. "I'm just so nervous. I mean, the woman looks just like me. she's a few inches taller and her hair's a little lighter blonde, but we have the same nose, the same build. She could be my mother if she were ten years older. I just…when I read about her online, she seemed like a really happy person. I would hate to ruin that for her."

Dr. Pryman smiled slightly and looked Jessica in the eyes. "Honey, you wouldn't be ruining her life. Those who would walk out on her would be at fault. I know that, deep down, you know that, too. I can tell how much you want to meet this woman. Go to dinner, Jess. Meet her. Give it a chance. You'll always regret it if you don't try."

Jessica picked up her things and nodded. "You're right. I will always regret it if I don't try to get to know her. Thank you. It means a lot that you're willing to talk to me."

Dr. Pryman hugged the young girl. "I'm here any time you need to talk. Just remember to keep our little 'sessions' between us. I don't want anybody thinking you're getting special treatment or anything."

"Don't worry," Jessica said as she made her way to the door. "Your secret's safe with me." She walked through the door, down the hall, and out into the parking lot. As she was climbing into her car, she felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw that she had a new voice message. There wasn't any reception in the building, so her phone always went straight to voice mail. She called her voice mail and put the phone up to her ear.

"Hey, Jess, um…this is Alex. I, uh, I took the rest of the day off. Um, I uh, if you want, you can come over earlier. You, uh, you don't have to if you don't want to. The door's open though. You don't have to knock." The line went dead after that.

Jessica put the phone back into her pocket. Something wasn't right. Alex's voice had been too shaky, like she was trying not to cry, trying to pretend everything was okay. "Shit," she said to herself as she pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards Alex's apartment. "What have I done?"

Time seemed to move in slow motion. No matter how quickly she drove, she seemed to always hit every light when it was red. "Come on," she urged the other drivers. "Go faster." She couldn't explain it, but she knew she had to get to Alex's apartment. Time wasn't on her side.


	4. I'm not going anywhere

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

Okay, so I realized I made kind of a big mistake in this chapter. In the first one I said Alex's sister had been killed in a car accident, then in this one I said she'd been murdered. I fixed it. Alex's sister was killed in a car accident. Sorry.

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When Jess finally parked and went inside, she looked up and saw that the elevator was on the eighth floor, and going up. "Why the hell does a building like this have only one elevator?" she asked as she frantically pushed the up button. She had tried to call Alex several times but hadn't gotten an answer. Initially, she had thought about calling the police, but without being able to tell them what was wrong, she doubted they would be of any help.

"Dammit, Alex," she said as the elevator finally arrived and she walked inside, pushing the button. "Why the hell do you have to live on the eleventh floor?"

She paced around in the elevator as it slowly moved up to the eleventh floor. "Come ON!" she screamed as she began pushing the eleven button again. "This building isn't that old! Move dammit!"

Finally the elevator doors opened and Jess bolted down the hallway. She was looking at all the numbers on the doors, trying to make sure she was going in the right direction. She was so fixated on the doors that as she rounded a corner, she collided with an angry-looking older woman.

"Sorry!" Jess yelled as she kept running, not even slowing down.

"Watch where you're going next time, bitch!" the woman yelled back.

Jessica finally stopped at Alex's door. She knocked softly as she opened the door. "Alex, you there?"

The television was on, but Jess wasn't paying any attention to the CSI episode. She turned it off and tried to listen. "Alex? It's Jess! I got your message and let myself in." When there was no answer, Jess began to worry. She started walking around, and then heard running water. Alex was in the shower. She made her way towards the sound until she found the bathroom. She knocked softly. No answer. She knocked again, harder this time. Still no answer. She opened the door, and screamed.

Alex was lying on the floor in only her underwear and bra, curled up into a tight ball, and shaking. Jess ran over to her and bent down. "Alex?" she said worriedly as she put her hand on the woman's shoulder. Alex didn't respond. She just continued shaking and muttering incoherently. Jess quickly turned off the shower. The water was ice cold. How long had Alex been lying here? She grabbed a towel and gently covered the woman. She wasn't prepared for Alex's reaction.

Alex started screaming and thrashing her arms and legs about violently. "NO! Stop! Please, I'll be good! I promise! Just stop! Please! Stop it!"

It was then that Jess saw the woman's stomach and upper thighs. It looked like someone had used her body as a cutting board, then burned her. Jess slowly bent down and tried to hold the frightened woman still. "Alex, you're safe," she said softly. "It's Jess. I'm right here. You're safe now, I promise." She wrapped her arms even tighter around her and tried to offer any comfort she could. "What the hell happened to you, Alex?" she wondered.

Finally, after what seemed to Jess like an eternity, Alex's breathing returned almost to normal. It was still quick and shallow, but nothing that would cause any alarm.

"Can I get you anything?" Jess asked, still not letting go of Alex.

"R-r-robe," Alex answered, trying to fight the tears.

Jess rubbed her fingers through Alex's hair. "Okay. I'll be right back."

"N-no," Alex stammered. "I-I want to change by m-myself."

Jess realized that Alex had brought her knees back up to her chest. Was it possible that she didn't even know that she had seen her scars? Jess nodded. "Okay, I'll hand it to you through the door." She stood up slowly and walked into Alex's bedroom. She searched for the robe in a panic, finally finding it buried in the closet. She grabbed it and went back to the bathroom, handing it through the door to Alex. "Can I get you anything else?"

"O-O-Ol-" she stammered. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down enough to get it out. "O-Olivia. Her n-number's in m-my phone."

"Okay. I'll call her." She made her way down the hall and into the kitchen, where she remembered seeing Alex's purse.

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She couldn't believe this was happening. She'd just experienced the worst flashback of her entire life, and the first one in several months. What the hell had just happened? She remembered turning on the water, and then all of a sudden she was back there again. The next thing she remembered was Jess' voice telling her she was safe.

"Oh shit," she said as she pulled on the robe. "Alex, what did you just do?" She tried to will herself to go out and talk to Jessica, but she couldn't even make herself get up off the floor. "Good job, Cabot. You've really done it this time.

A slight panic ran through her when she realized that Jessica may have seen her scars. She would probably leave now. Any hope of building a relationship with this girl was gone. She cursed herself for letting this girl get away. Lying on the floor, unable to move, panic setting in, she cried.

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Jess rummaged through the purse as quickly as she could. "Okay, okay, let's just find the damn cell phone." She said shakily. "Where the hell is it?" She knew that panicking wasn't going to help, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't calm down, not after what she had just seen. Finally, she found the phone and began scrolling through the numbers. There must have been a hundred of them in there. Relief swept over her when she found Olivia's name. She quickly pressed the send button and wondered what the hell she was going to say.

"Benson," the voice on the other end answered. When there was no response, she tried again. "Alex, you there?"

"Are you Olivia?" Jess quickly replied, praying that this was the right person.

"Who's asking?" Olivia asked worriedly. "And where's Alex?"

"My name's Jessica Matthews. I, um…well, uh, I think I'm Alex's niece."

"What?" Olivia asked. She knew Alex had a sister who had been raped and later killed in a car accident, but that was it. She grew more concerned. "Where's Alex?"

"She's, well, she invited me to dinner tonight when I met her at her office. I hadn't met her before then. Then she left a voicemail on my phone saying I could come over early, so I came over right after my psych class. When I knocked on the door, nobody answered, so I let myself in. she told me I could do that. When I got in the TV was on but-"

The girl was rambling. Olivia could tell that something was very wrong. "Jess!" she said loudly. "Where's Alex?"

She took a deep breath. "She's on the floor of the bathroom. She-"

"WHAT?"

"She's okay," Jess said, trying her best to reassure the woman on the other end. "I think she had a panic attack or something. She was curled up in a ball and crying. She's asking for you."

That took Olivia by surprise. "Really?"

"Yea, she needs you."

Olivia closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Something wasn't right. She never in a million years imagined Alex asking her for help, but that's exactly what was happening. "Tell her I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Okay," Jess said, and hung up.

Jess made her way back to the bathroom and was surprised to see Alex standing at the mirror, brushing her hair. "Olivia said she'd be here in ten minutes."

Alex stopped brushing and turned around to look at Jessica. "She agreed to come over?"

Jess smiled slightly. "Yea. She sounded really worried. I think she's really concerned about you."

Panic suddenly took over. "Jess, what did you tell her?"

"I told her that I was your niece and that I'd found you having a panic attack on the bathroom floor."

Alex narrowed her eyebrows, almost as if she didn't believe her. "That's all you told her?"

"Yea. That's all I told her."

Alex turned back to the mirror. She remembered screaming and thrashing about, and she remembered Jessica holding her and telling her everything was okay and that she was safe. Why hadn't she told her about that?

"I told her what was necessary," Jess said, answering Alex's unvoiced question. "I figured if you wanted her to know more you could tell her. It's not really my place to tell her everything."

"Thank you," Alex said as she slowly put the brush down on the sink. She turned and walked out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. She crawled into bed and pulled the covers up top her chin. "You can leave if you want," she said when she saw that Jess had followed her in. "You've seen enough to make anyone run screaming."

Before Jess could answer, there was a knock at the door. She turned to look at Alex. "I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. This doesn't change anything, Alex. I still want to get to know you. I still want to be a part of your life."

"Promise?" Alex asked, then immediately regretted it. She hated sounding needy.

"I promise," Jess answered, then headed to the door.


	5. Just let it out

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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Olivia hung up the phone and tried to piece together everything Jessica had just told her. Alex had a niece? Alex was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor? What the hell was going on? She quickly grabbed her keys and headed out, praying her former lover was okay.

They had first met when Alex had been transferred to SVU crimes, and had felt an instant connection. Olivia had already told everyone about her attraction to women, but Alex had never even admitted it to herself. Alex had always been an extremely kind and loving person, but she was also incredibly private and secretive. She had told Olivia that she had a sister who had been raped and later killed in a car accident, but that was all she had ever said, and Olivia was the only one who knew. She had also been willing to go out with Olivia several times, but had always cringed whenever Olivia had tried to touch her. Olivia had always attributed it to Alex's questioning of her sexuality. That's what had originally driven them apart. Now, as she sped down the highway, siren blaring in an attempt to get other traffic out of the way, Olivia wondered if there was something more to Alex's story than she had been told.

Finally, she reached Alex's apartment building and took the elevator up. "Come on baby," she prayed as she made her way down the hall. "Please be okay." She knocked on the door and waited.

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Jessica opened the door cautiously. She was about to ask the woman if she was Olivia when she noticed her eyes. They were full of love and worry. She smiled weakly. "I don't think she believed me when I told her you were coming."

Olivia nodded solemnly. "She had her reasons."

"Well come on in. She's in her room."

Olivia stepped inside. "Thank you for calling me."

Jessica shrugged, as if the task had been no big deal. "She wanted me to," she said simply.

Olivia nodded as she made her way towards the bedroom. She noticed that Jess nervously sat down on the couch. Olivia smiled. "She's staying to make sure everything's okay." Olivia said to herself as she knocked gently on the door and made her way in.

"Alex, it's Liv." She walked over and sat down on the bed next to her. "What happened Al?"

Tears welled in Alex's eyes as she turned over to face the woman she loved. "I'm sorry."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close. "It's okay, Al. you don't have to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong."

"I pulled you out of work."

"The city's been lazy today. I was sitting on my ass doing nothing." Olivia assured her as she gently rubbed the younger woman's back.

"But I still pulled you out of work!" Alex exclaimed. She shook her head and tried to pull herself out of Olivia's grasp, but Olivia wouldn't budge. "I shouldn't have asked her to call you. I feel so stupid. It was nothing."

Olivia let go of Alex and looked her in the eyes. "Alexandra Cabot," she staid sternly, "You are not stupid and this was not nothing. God when I heard how scared Jessica sounded on the phone, I knew something was wrong."

"It was nothing, really," Alex said unconvincingly.

"Would you stop being so damn stubborn!" Olivia said, louder than she'd expected. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "I'm worried about you. I still love you, you know."

"You don't even know me." Alex said coldly as she stood up and began to make her way towards the door, hoping to make Olivia feel unwanted so she would leave.

"Alex, please," Olivia begged. "Stop being so-"

"Stubborn?" Alex interrupted angrily as she turned to face Olivia. "Well guess what? I'm a lawyer. I have to be stubborn."

"Not with me you don't," Olivia said gently, trying to coax the woman back to bed. "God Al, you don't always have to be okay. You don't always have to be happy. If you're hurting or need help, tell someone. It kills me to see you hurting like this."

"I'm fine, really." Alex said, trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince Olivia.

Olivia's expression turned even more serious as she intentionally met Alex's eyes. "Then why did your niece find you in a ball on the bathroom floor?"

Alex couldn't take it any longer. She couldn't argue, she couldn't fight, she just couldn't do it. Olivia's eyes were staring into the depths of her soul and she just couldn't hide anymore. She didn't have the strength to do it. She had to let it out. She had to tell someone. She just prayed she didn't explode. "You want to know why I'm so upset?" she asked angrily, not knowing any other way of getting it out.

"Al, please-" Olivia pleaded.

"Well, I'll tell you why I'm so upset. That girl, she walked into my office today and all I could think about was my sister getting raped while I watched."

Alex took a deep breath and Olivia tried to interrupt. "Al, honey-"

"I tried to tell Max that when I was fourteen, I had a baby," Alex continued. "Do you know what his reaction was?" When Olivia didn't answer immediately, Alex's anger intensified. "Well, do you?"

"Alex, I-"

"He left me! He left me Olivia! He left me before I even got the chance to tell him I was raped by the same man who raped my sister! I wanted to tell him everything, but he wouldn't let me. He just stood up and left! I called Jess because I really, honestly want to get to know her. I still do. I need to get to know her. I thought that maybe we could grab an early dinner and then I could deal with Max and everything. When I got into the bathroom and took off my robe, I saw this," she said, showing Olivia her scars for the first time. "I just lost it. I can't…I-I couldn't…I…it's too…I-I-I…" Alex collapsed into hysterical sobs.

Olivia rushed over to Alex's side and threw her arms around her as they slowly sank to the floor. She pulled Alex closer as the woman buried her face into Olivia's chest. "Let it out, Al. Just let it all out." Olivia said softly as she gently combed her fingers through Alex's long blonde hair. Her heart broke at Alex's words, and when she saw Alex's scars, she vowed to make up for any pain she'd caused her in the past.

Alex fell asleep in Olivia's arms. Olivia gently helped her to her feet, hoping to not awaken her completely, and helped her into bed.

"Hey, Liv?" Alex said, pulling the covers up to her chin and curling into a ball.

"Yeah?"

"Tell Jess I'm sorry for scaring her; and thank her for calling you."

Olivia smiled and took Alex's hand. "I will. Get some sleep. I'll crash on the sofa tonight. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you."

"I love you, Al."

When Alex just stared at the wall, Olivia closed the door softly. Alex needed to rest. Now wasn't the time to try to rekindle their old relationship.


	6. A big box of cookies

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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Olivia walked back out into the living room and saw Jessica scrubbing the counters. She smiled. "You know she's going to kill you for cleaning her apartment."

Jessica looked up, her eyes full of tears. "I…I couldn't just sit here and do nothing," she said as she continued to scrub the same small spot.

Olivia walked over to the counter and took the rag from her. "Stop cleaning, Jess. You've done her dishes. You've scrubbed her kitchen floors. You've dusted her dining room. You've straightened up her living room. Take a break."

Jessica closed her eyes momentarily, then looked up to face Olivia. "Does she totally hate me now?"

"What?"

"Because it would be okay if she did! Did I just make a mistake by coming here?"

"Honey, look at me," Olivia said as she walked around the counter and placed her hand on the girl's shoulder. "She doesn't hate you. She told me to tell you that she's sorry for scaring you, and that she still really wants to get to know you."

"She apologized?" Jessica asked, completely ignoring the fact that Olivia had said Alex still wanted to get to know her.

"Yea," Olivia said, sighing.

Jessica shook her head, "But she didn't do anything wrong! I should be the one apologizing for coming here and ruining her life!"

"Jess, you haven't ruined her life. If anything, you've helped her open up about something I doubt she's ever really told anyone."

Jess closed her eyes as a few tears fell. "You saw her scars didn't you?"

Olivia nodded and led Jessica out to the couch. "She's hurting, and badly. Something terrible happened to her and I think she's just now stating to deal with it."

"It's my fault she's so upset. She was fine until I came along."

"Sweetie, it isn't your fault," Olivia said, putting her arm around her.

Jess' eyes filled with tears but she refused to let any of them fall. "I was just so happy when I found her that I had to meet her. I guess I should have thought about the possibility of my coming here ruining her life."

Olivia squeezed her gently. "Jess, you've got to stop blaming yourself for this. It's not your fault. She doesn't blame you. In fact, she still really wants to get to know you," Olivia said again, figuring Jessica had been too upset to hear it earlier.

Jess looked up, still fighting the tears. "Really?"

"Absolutely. She mentioned your name and her eyes lit up. She doesn't think you ruined her life. I don't think you've ruined her life. Face it kid. You haven't ruined her life."

Jessica smiled weakly. "I guess I just…I hope she doesn't hate me."

"Well, judging by what I've seen from you today, I can almost guarantee that's not going to happen. You're still interested in meeting her, despite what you've seen. That's going to mean a lot to her. She's not going to hate you, Jess. That's not the kind of person she is." They were silent for several minutes, trying to absorb everything. They were both exhausted, and they knew they needed to get some sleep. Olivia was the first to break the silence. "So, it's getting pretty late. You heading home?"

Jess shook her head, "I want to be here when she wakes up. I don't want her to think she scared me off or something."

"And you've just earned yourself a spot on her list of favorite people," Olivia said, smiling. She looked in amazement at this girl, who looked eighteen. She had just met Alex today and she was already ready to help her. "So, Olivia said once the next wave of silence between them became awkward. "Tell me about yourself. I've gotta tell you that if you really plan on sticking around for her, you're going to have to get to know her friends."

"I don't plan on going anywhere."

"Good. Just remember that I'm a cop and I will hunt you down if you ever hurt her."

Jess raised her eyebrows and half-smiled. "Since when are cops and lawyers friends?"

Olivia looked away, not yet ready to let Jess know the truth. It was too soon. "She's helped us out on a lot of cases," Olivia said, hoping to sound convincing. "We've really gotten to know the real her, and not just the stubborn lawyer that lives inside her."

Jess laughed. She couldn't believe how easy it was to talk with this woman. She could tell how highly Olivia thought of Alex. "I can see why she was asking for you. You seem to really care about her."

Olivia smiled. "I do. Our relationship's been a little rocky for the last year or so – and it's a long story, so don't ask – so I was a little surprised to hear that she asked for me. Anyway, you avoided my question."

"What question?"

"Well it wasn't really a question, more of a request, but I asked you to tell me about yourself."

Jess laughed again, surprised that she could do so at a time like this. "I earned a Bachelor's Degree in Graphic Design from NYU two years ago. My boyfriend Allen and I have a small, home-run design business. We make wedding invitations and business party announcements, things like that. I was adopted by Mark and Mary Matthews. Yea, weird names, I know." She hesitated, not knowing what she should tell Olivia. She knew that Alex had once been Sarah, but she wasn't sure if Olivia knew that. If she didn't, she wasn't sure Alex wanted her to. "I found out I was adopted about a year ago and up until today I thought I was Alexandra Cabot's daughter."

"What makes you think you're not? I mean, I know you told me over the phone that you're her niece. Why don't you think you're her daughter?"

"Because there's no way she's old enough to be my mother."

"Why? How old are you?"

"I'll be twenty-five next week."

"Ah, yea. That's definitely impossible. She was six when you were born."

"Told ya."

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Alex laid in bed and listened to the two women talk. She almost fell asleep, but she wanted to hear what they were saying. She had to know if this Jessica girl was for real. Judging from what she could make out, Jess was feeling guilty and really wanted to help. Alex couldn't figure that out. What kind of person is willing to camp out on your sofa and help you get through a lifetime of pain after having met you only hours before?

"Note to self, Cabot," she said quietly. "Buy that girl a really big box of cookies."

Then she started thinking about Olivia. The two of them had always been close. Then Alex had gotten shot and put into Witness Protection because apparently the damn drug lords had become obsessed with killing her. As she was lying there on the pavement, Olivia begging her to hold on, all she wanted to do was die. Everything had been going so well for her, and then that moment. She felt like she would never be happy. She'd insisted on telling Olivia and Elliot that she wasn't dead, but she'd refused to let them see anything from her hospital stay. She knew the doctors had seen her scars, and she didn't want anybody else knowing about them. Two years passed and she hated every single second she was in the program. When Olivia had shown up on her doorstep, telling her that her life was no longer in danger, she was relieved. Finally, something good was happening to her.

It was on the drive back to New York from Tucson that Olivia had come out to her.

"_I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, Alex. Do you hate me?"_

_Alex laughed. "Olivia Benson, you are my best friend. I could never hate you!"_

"_Are you sure? I mean is this going to make it weird between us?"_

"_Liv, please, it doesn't bother me."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yea, really." Alex smiled. "Have you told anyone at work?"_

"_They all know."_

"_And?"_

"_It doesn't bother them."_

"_See?"_

"_Yea, but you're my best friend and-"_

"_Liv, chill." Alex interrupted. "You're still my best friend. This doesn't change anything."_

That night in the hotel room, they had flirted. Alex had even admitted that she felt an attraction to Olivia. They hadn't really done anything – just talked. Alex kept pulling away from Olivia's hands, praying she could keep her secret. From then on, they spent most of their time together. Alex had been shy in public, mainly because she was afraid of letting Olivia get too close. Finally, Olivia couldn't take it anymore. She told Alex she loved her, but that she was leaving. She needed to be with someone who loved her in return. A few weeks later, Alex and Max had met. Alex tried to convince herself that she was really attracted to him, that he was really the one, but she knew in her heart that she could never love him.

"If you only knew how much I love you, Liv," she said quietly.

Now, lying in bed and hearing Olivia's words, she knew she was loved. She wanted to come out and apologize for everything, but at the same time she was still terrified that Olivia was going to leave.

"Come on, Cabot," she said to herself, though not out loud. "She saw your scars and she's still here."

"Yea, but who knows how long that's going to last?" She replied, still silently.

"She told you she still loved you."

"How can you be sure she wasn't just trying to make herself look good?"

"She's out there trying to comfort and get to know Jess. They're trying to figure out how to help you."

"Jesus, Cabot," she said aloud. "You're talking to yourself."

She rolled her eyes and pulled the covers tight, reminding herself that she was going to find a way to repay these two, even if it was the last thing she did.


	7. Let's have lunch

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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Jess woke up to the sound and smell of sizzling bacon. It took her several seconds to figure out where she was. The surface she was lying on wasn't familiar, and when she went to stretch her legs, she found she couldn't straighten them completely. Then it all came back to her. She was in Alex's house. She was sleeping on Alex's couch. She prayed Alex was okay as she opened her eyes. She saw Alex cooking in the kitchen and smiled – she looked a lot better than she had last night.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Alex said, smiling as she flipped over several pieces of bacon.

Jess smiled as she stretched her arms and swung her legs over the side of the couch so she could stretch them as well. She closed her eyes again as she stretched even further. "Just treat her like normal," Jess thought to herself. "Don't ask her a million questions. Just treat her like you would treat anyone else." She sat up and smiled. "Good morning. How ya feeling?"

"Really good…thanks to you. I owe you big."

"No you don't," Jess said as she rubbed the sleep crust out of her eyes. "Need any help with that?"

"Nope."

"You sure? You don't have to cook me breakfast."

"Oh, I know," Alex said grinning, "But I want to. And you're not helping."

"But-"

"Jess, 'that cop' who was here last night, she's in the bathroom," Alex told her jokingly. "I swear if you move off that couch to do anything other than pee I'll have no problem sicking her on you."

Jess laughed and threw her arms up in the air. "Okay, you win! Enjoy your cooking."

"I will." Alex shook her head and smiled as she continued with the bacon. She was glad Jess hadn't bombarded her with a bunch of questions. That would have just made things even more awkward. Her mind went back to the conversation she'd had with Jess after she'd called Olivia. When she'd heard that Olivia was rushing over, she'd panicked, figuring Jess had told her everything, but she hadn't. "I figured if you wanted her to know more, you could tell her," Jess had said. Alex looked back over at Jess, who was flipping through one of the National Geographic magazines she kept on the coffee table. "Is she really going to wait for me to talk to her?" Alex asked herself.

Jess looked up and saw Alex standing in the kitchen, smiling at her. "What?" she asked self-consciously. "Did I drool all over myself or something?"

"No," Alex said, shaking her head and laughing. "I just…"

"What?" Jess asked when Alex didn't finish.

"This is going to sound so stupid."

"What is it?" Jess' voice showed a hint of concern.

Alex took a deep breath. "I just wanted to make sure you were still here." She wiped a tear and looked down at the counter, unable to believe she had just uttered those words. What was happening to her? She never admitted when something was wrong, never admitted anything that could possibly show her as being anything other than confident and happy.

Jess stood up and walked over to the counter, taking Alex's hand in hers. "That's not stupid," she told her softly. "I'm still here, and I will stay here unless you ask me to leave, and even then I'll probably stick around."

Before Alex knew what she was doing, she threw her arms around the girl. She wasn't even concentrating on being the tough, strong Alex she had always tried to be. "Thank you," she said as she cried. When she felt Jessica's arms wrap around her and heard her say, "You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome anyway," she knew she had to have Jess as a big part of her life. She wiped away her tears and forced a smile, knowing it would be a while before she told her story; but also realizing that she desperately needed this friendship.

"So," Alex said, shoving her tears aside for the time being. "What do you say the two of us have lunch and walk around town or something? What time do you have class?"

"Actually, I only have Psychology and Law on Mondays. They're both three hour lectures, which makes for some incredibly long Mondays, but-"

"You have the rest of the week off." Alex finished. "That must be nice."

Jess nodded. "What's your work schedule like?"

"Crazy. I get calls at all sorts of odd hours, asking me to get search warrants, arrest warrants, et cetera. I have to go in when they puck up suspects to question them. I have to be ready if someone wants to deal or if something happens in court."

"Damn."

"Yea, well, I like to keep busy."

Jess wasn't sure if she was reading too much into the conversation, but she figured there was a deeper meaning behind Alex's need to keep busy. She decided not to ask about it now because she didn't want to ruin the good mood. "Well if it's busy you're after, you got it."

Alex rolled her eyes. "That's the truth. But anyways, I called in sick and have off today and tomorrow. I have about a million sick days so I figured I could take off and get to know my niece a little bit…that is, if she's still interested."

"Absolutely," Jess said as she took two slices of bacon. "I've wanted to know why I was different my whole life. When I found out I was adopted, I had to know where I came from. I want to get to know you, Alex."

"You probably have a bunch of questions, don't you?"

Jess picked up on the uneasiness in Alex's voice and nodded. "I do, but if it's a touchy subject, I can wait. That's not the most important thing to me right now. Right now, all I want to do is get to know this amazingly wonderful and very attractive woman who I might just have to start calling Aunt Alex."

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "Now you're making me feel old." She was relieved that Jess still hadn't asked her about her mother. She wasn't sure how she was going to tell her that she was the product of a rape. She decided to wait and talk to Olivia, hoping Olivia would be able to give some advice on how to tell her. "Well," she said a few seconds later. "How about I take you out to lunch and then we can go walk around Central Park and just hang out?"

"On one condition."

"What?" Alex asked nervously, praying Jess wasn't going to ask her to reveal anything this soon.

"You let me take you out to lunch tomorrow."

Alex breathed a sigh of relief. "Deal."

Jess narrowed her eyebrows. "You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yea. I'm fine. I just, I uh…I was just worried, I thought you were going to-"

Jess smiled comfortingly and put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Not until you're ready. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to ask you a million questions. I want to get to know you, Alex. If you want to talk, I'll listen. If you're not ready, that's fine too."

Alex couldn't believe someone like this actually existed. Jess should have run screaming after what she saw in the bathroom, but she had stayed. Here she was, treating her like a normal person. Sure she was showing her concern, but she wasn't attacking her with questions or treating her as if she were so fragile she would break at any moment. Jess was treating her with an amazing amount of respect that she'd only ever seen from one other person: Olivia. "I can't lose these two," she said to herself. "I just can't." she smiled and looked gratefully at Jessica. "Well how does lunch at the Olive Garden sound?"

"Sounds great."

"Good. Do you want to shower or anything? I mean, you don't smell bad or look gross or-"

Jess laughed. "Alex, chill. You didn't just insult me, and yes, as soon as 'that cop' gets out of the bathroom, I'd love to take a shower."

"Okay. Do you need any clothes?"

Jess smiled nervously. "Actually last night, when Olivia was talking to you, I ran down to my car to grab the change of clothes I always keep in case of emergencies. I know it sounds weird but-"

"Nah," Alex interrupted. "I think it's a good idea. Besides, you needed to keep busy, and a person can only clean an apartment for so long."

Jess smiled, embarrassed. "Yeah, I uh…"

"I get it," Alex said smiling. Jess had stayed, but she had been upset and needed to do something. Cleaning the apartment had probably kept her from going crazy. "I don't think I've ever seen my apartment this clean. I appreciate it."

Just then Olivia walked into the room, fully showered and in her uniform. "Morning," she said to Jess. "I was wondering when you were going to wake up."

"Well, what can I say? I'm not a morning person." She grabbed her bag from beside the couch and headed toward the bathroom. "Oh, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are your towels? I somehow always manage to forget mine."

"There's a closet in the bathroom. Everything you need is in there."

"Thanks," she said as she made her way into the bathroom. She set her bag down, opened the closet door, and smiled. Alex had all of her towels shoved everywhere and on every shelf. There were half empty bottles of shampoo all over the place and open containers of now ruined bath salts. She quickly grabbed a towel and shut the door, praying she didn't bring everything down with it. She undressed and stepped into the shower, allowing the hot water and steam to engulf her as she tried to process everything that had just happened.


	8. Olivia, what did you do?

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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"So?" Olivia asked Alex as they sat down at the table to eat breakfast.

Alex smiled. "I can't believe she's still here, and that she cleaned my apartment! Who does that?"

Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Alex so happy. She was willing to do whatever it took to keep her that way. "Sounds like she's a keeper," she said, then hesitated. "At least, I hope she is."

Alex narrowed her eyebrows. "Olivia, what did you do?"

Olivia nervously in her chair and pushed her scrambled eggs around with her fork. "You're probably going to hate me for this, but I had to do it."

"Do what?" Alex asked worriedly. "Olivia, what did you do?"

"I…I thought it was a little weird that Jess was as worried and willing to help as she was. I mean, she's so young and she'd never met you before and…something just didn't feel right. I've never seen anybody so eager to help someone they didn't know, so I pulled a few strings last night after you both fell asleep."

"You ran a background check on her?" Alex asked, now scared that Olivia had found something she wasn't going to like.

Olivia nodded. "Yea, I did."

"And?"

"Alex-"

"What did you find, Olivia?"

Olivia sighed. "Absolutely nothing on her. She doesn't even have a parking ticket, and I did a nationwide search. Her record's squeaky clean."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows. "Then why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything? What else did you find?"

"I found something about her parents, the ones who adopted her."

"What?" Alex asked, feeling her heart sink as she worried about what they may have done to their daughter.

"They, um, they were really active in a huge anti-gay movement. They've been arrested several times for petty crimes. They spray painted some houses and cars, broke some windows, and set a few cars on fire." Olivia reached out and grabbed Alex's hand. "Alex, all their victims were gay."

"Oh, God," Alex thought defeatedly. If Jess was raised by people like this, it was reasonable to think she felt the same way. "Did her name come up in any of the police reports?"

Olivia shook her head. "Her name was never mentioned, she was never even alluded to, and she wasn't in any of the pictures."

Alex's eyes lit up. "So she might not feel the same way."

"Be careful, Alex. We don't want to jump to any conclusions." Olivia sighed. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"Olivia, look at what she's done for me. The least I can do is give her the benefit of the doubt. I owe her that much. Besides, if she wasn't in any of the police reports or anything, odds are she wasn't anywhere near those events, which means she might not hate us."

"Us?" Olivia asked gently, not wanting to take advantage of Alex's vulnerability at the moment. "Is there still an us?"

"I want there to be," Alex said as she closed her eyes and tried not to cry. "I'm just scared. I need time."

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere, Alex. I promise."

Alex smiled gratefully. "Thank you. You have no idea how happy you made me by coming over last night. When Jess told me you were coming over, I knew you still cared about me. I was so worried you weren't going to come."

Olivia looked away guiltily. "I never stopped loving you, Alex. I know I said and did some things in the past that hurt you. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I promise you Alex, if I could change the past I would. I'm so sorry I wasn't there-"

Alex put her finger to Olivia's lips to silence her and smiled. "You're here now, Olivia. That's all that matters." She took a deep breath, trying to gather her strength, and kissed her.

The kiss took Olivia by surprise. She felt butterflies in her stomach and her heart race as she kissed Alex back. She knew Alex needed to take things slowly, so she let her lead, but that was fine with her. She was willing to wait forever for Alex to feel comfortable with her. When Alex pulled away, Olivia saw that she was smiling.

"You're a great kisser, Cabot," Olivia said, taking Alex's hand.

Alex smiled and squeezed her hand back. "You're not so bad yourself, Benson."

"God, you're beautiful. I don't know what possessed me to ever leave you, but I sure as hell would kick my own ass if I could reach it."

Alex laughed and tried to fight the tears that were forming in her eyes. "I know why you left, and you had every reason to do so. I just wasn't ready for you to see me, the real me. Liv, I loved you so much, and at that point I was convinced that if you saw the real me, what I was hiding, you'd leave, and I couldn't handle that. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Olivia said, shaking her head, "You don't have anything to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong, Alex. I need you to know something though."

"What?" Alex asked, sniffling as she wiped away a few tears.

"I need you to know that I am completely, head over heels in love with you and there is absolutely nothing in this world that could change that. I am not going to leave you. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I love you Alex. I love you more than I could ever express in words."

Alex desperately wanted to believe everything Olivia was saying, and a part of her did. At the same time, she was still terrified. Nobody in her life had ever been so supportive, so why should Olivia be any different. At the same time, she knew Olivia was different. Olivia was one of the most amazing people she knew, and she knew if you were on Olivia's good side, there was usually no getting off it. She smiled and looked at her watch, seeing that it was almost nine. "That kid's been in the shower for twenty minutes."

"What?" Olivia asked, completely unaware of how much time had passed. "What time is it?"

"Almost nine."

"Shit!" Olivia quickly shoved a few pieces of bacon into her mouth as she gathered her things. "I'm going to be late for work! I was hoping to see Jess before I left for work but I've got to get going. Tell her I'll see her later?"

"Yep," Alex said, then stopped. "What about us? Do you think I should tell her?"

"Olivia smiled slightly. "I think that's your call."

Alex nodded. "Well, I guess you'd better get going. I'd hate to make you even later than you already are." She gave Olivia a slight kiss on the lips. "I'll see you later."

"Bye Al," Olivia said smiling, "I love you."

Alex looked away. She couldn't bring herself to say those words back, even though she knew that was exactly how she felt. "I'm sorry, Liv…I, I just…"

"It's okay," Olivia said, putting her hand on Alex's shoulder. "I meant it when I said you could take all the time you need," and without another word, she walked out and closed the door gently behind her.

"I love you, too," Alex said as she touched the door. She wiped away a tear and went to clean up everything from breakfast.


	9. I lied to you

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em

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Jess' shower was a fairly short one. After seeing how cluttered Alex's closet was, she was determined to clean it. She wasn't sure why, but she felt that if the physical disarray of Alex's apartment was fixed, it would be easier for her to focus on herself. She was also determined to please Alex. It was something she'd never been able to do with her parents, but she desperately needed someone to be proud of her. She was convinced that Alex would be pleased that she'd cleaned everything.

She left the water running for a while, so as not to draw any unwanted suspicion. She started with the towels and washcloths, organizing them by size and color. Then she combined all the matching shampoos and conditioners and put them together on one shelf. She put all the good bath salts together on another shelf and set the ruined ones aside, not wanting to throw any away without Alex's consent. Then she rewet her hair to make it look like she had just finished. She dried off, got dressed, hung up her towel, and walked into the living room to see Alex putting the last few dishes into the dishwasher.

"Have a nice shower?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Alex smirked. "I doubt there's any hot water left. You're worse than me."

Jess smiled, embarrassed. "You might be surprised," she told her. When she had been cleaning the closet, she had turned off the hot water, knowing that Alex would probably need to shower. "Go ahead and take one. I promise I didn't use all your hot water."

Alex gave her a "What are you talking about?" look before disappearing into her bedroom to gather her things. She walked back down the hallway, seeing Jessica straightening up the couch where she'd slept. She rolled her eyes as she went into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. She opened the closet door and her jaw dropped.

"JEEEESSSSSS!" She screamed

Jess laughed, realizing Alex had just found the newly cleaned closet. "I told you I didn't use all the hot water!"

"You are so dead! I swear when I get out of this shower-"

"What?" Jess asked, feigning innocence. "I didn't throw anything away. Your solid rock bath salts are still there, I promise."

"Jessica-"

"Enjoy your shower Alex!"

Alex wasn't sure what was happening. Cleaning when you're upset is one thing, but Jess hadn't seemed upset before her shower. Sure, she was a nice girl who was trying to help, but this was weird. She stepped into the shower and, as usual, refused to look down at her scars, and cried. She still couldn't face them, couldn't face what had happened. She thought Jess had to be up to something. She seemed almost too eager to help. "Please, just let her be a neat freak," she prayed. "Don't let her be after anything. I don't think I could handle that right now."

Alex finished her shower and hurried out into the living room, convinced that Jess had stolen everything or something. When she saw Jess organizing her bookshelf, she cursed herself for thinking something so stupid. She snuck up quietly behind her. "You know," she said suddenly. "Stephen King should be _before_ Barbara Kingsolver."

Jess jumped about a mile in the air and dropped the Dean Koontz book she was holding. "JEEEE-ZUS!" she screamed. "You scared the shit out of me!"

Alex laughed and picked up the dropped book. "Serves you right for cleaning my whole apartment and organizing my books."

"I uh, I wasn't organizing your books."

"Do me a favor Jess."

"What?"

"Don't ever become a lawyer. You suck at lying."

Jess smiled and put the book away. "You probably think I'm crazy don't you?"

"Crazy? Nah. A little clean-obsessed, but not crazy."

"I'm sorry."

Alex was taken aback by the apology. "For what?"

Jess sighed. "I can't imagine what you must be thinking right now. Every time you disappear for a few minutes another part of your apartment gets cleaned. I shouldn't have done all that. It's not my stuff."

Alex sat on the sofa and pulled Jess down next to her, but the girl refused to look at her. "Jess, what's wrong?" When she didn't answer, Alex took her hand in hers. "Jess, you know how you told me I could trust you-with anything?" Jess closed her eyes but said nothing. "Well," Alex continued. "That trust goes both ways. I'm not going to-"

"I lied to you," Jess said suddenly, still not looking at Alex.

"About what?" Alex could tell by the look on Jess' face that she was feeling guilty. She had already decided to forgive her, no matter what she was hiding. This was obviously eating Jess, and Alex knew it wasn't something unforgivable.

"I lied when I told you I had great parents."

Alex's heart sunk. "They hurt you?"

Jess looked up for the first time, realizing what must have been going through Alex's mind given the kind of work that she did. "No…well, not like that. They…" she make herself couldn't finish.

"What? What did they do?" Alex asked, squeezing Jess' hand.

"Everything always had to be perfect!" Jess blurted out. "There was never allowed to be a piece of dust anywhere or a sofa cushion out of place or anything! Everything always had to be perfect and spotless and I always had to look presentable and…I just…it was never enough! I swear I spent more time cleaning than doing anything else!"

"Jess, they…you were-"

"Their maid. That's why they adopted me. Well, they never actually said that, but it was obvious. They didn't want to have to pay anybody."

"Oh God, Jess. I…I-"

"You didn't know. I guess it wasn't so bad. I mean, they gave me everything I ever needed. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than I did. I guess what hurt the most though was that I could never please them. No matter how hard I tried to keep the house clean, I almost always missed something. No matter how good my grades were, there was always someone better. They grounded me for a month when they found out I wasn't valedictorian of my high school class. It didn't matter that I graduated two full years early. What mattered was that I wasn't first." Jess paused for a second, trying to regain her composure, and felt Alex put her arm around her. She smiled weakly. "I guess I just…I mean I-when I met you, I really wanted to get to know you. I wanted you to like me…so I-"

"Started cleaning my apartment." Alex interrupted. Jess nodded and reluctantly let a few tears slide down her face. Alex pulled her closer and wrapped her other arm around her. "You don't have to clean my apartment for me to like you. The second you started helping me last night was the same second I realized what an amazing person you are. You don't have to go out of your way to impress me Jess. Just be you. That's all I want."

Jess cried softly and reached up to touch hold Alex's hand. "Thank you," she said weakly. Those were the words she'd been waiting her entire life to hear someone say. Her "parents" had never really been cruel to her, but they'd managed to convince her that she was a screw up who would never succeed in life. She'd moved to New York hoping to prove them wrong. So far, that's exactly what she was doing.

They sat on the couch for several minutes, Alex leaning against the arm rest with Jess leaning against her. Then Jess heard Alex's stomach growl. She laughed as she sat up and wiped away her tears. "Someone's hungry."

Alex blushed. "Yea, I like my food."

"Well then we should get going. I'm feeling a little hungry myself. My car or yours?"

"Bus. I've got a monthly pass and your fare is only five dollars. With gas as ridiculously overpriced as it is, it's cheaper this way. Besides, parking in this city is a nightmare, so this is just easier."

When Jess saw Alex pulling out her wallet, she smiled. "You're not planning on paying for my fare are you?

"I told you I was taking you out."

"Yea, to lunch."

"Relax Jess. It's five dollars. I want to do this."

Jess smiled reluctantly. "Fine, but tomorrow I'm taking you out to lunch _and_ desert."

Alex laughed as they gathered their things and left. "Deal."


	10. We Found Lorena Bobbit

Disclaimer: Dick owns 'em.

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Olivia walked into the squad room with the biggest fake smile she could muster plastered on her face. The last thing she wanted was to relive everything that had just happened. She didn't want it to be real, didn't want Alex to be hurting like she was. She sat down at her desk and sighed, then opened one of the files and tried to concentrate.

Elliot knew something was wrong the moment he saw her walk in. Usually she would at least smile and acknowledge those around her, but this time she didn't. She just went right to her desk and got to work. That wasn't like her. He poured her a cup of coffee and put it in front of her. "Liv," he said gently, "You okay?"

She looked up, not really prepared for him to think something was wrong. "Hmm? Oh, yea. I'm fine."

"You sure? You look like hell. Is everything okay? It was Alex that called yesterday, wasn't it? Is she okay? Is something wrong?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled. Elliot had a terrible habit of asking a million questions before waiting for an answer. "Geez Elliot, one question at a time."

"Sorry."

She sighed and took a sip of coffee. "It's okay. To answer your questions, yes I'm okay. I didn't sleep well last night. Yes, the phone call yesterday was about Alex…" she hesitated, knowing she couldn't tell Elliot everything. "Elliot, can you promise that what I'm about to tell you stays between us?"

"Of course."

"I mean if Alex finds out-"

"Liv, it's me. I won't tell anyone."

Olivia nodded. "That call I got yesterday was from Alex's niece…yea, her niece," she said when she saw Elliot's confused expression. "El, Alex had an older sister who was raped and later killed in a car accident. I've known that for a wile. What I didn't know was that those two events happened about a year apart."

"Wow," Elliot said, completely at a loss for words."

Olivia nodded. "The girl's name is Jessica and she's almost twenty-five. She showed up yesterday out of nowhere."

Elliot almost laughed in surprise. "She didn't even bother to call? How pissed was Alex?"

"Surprisingly, Alex seems pretty okay with it. She really wants to get to know Jess. I think it just took her by surprise and a lot of emotions came at her all at once." Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, cursing herself for what she was about to tell Elliot, but knowing that she had to tell someone she trusted, and he was that person. "Alex…she's going through a lot right now. She tried to tell Max something last night-I can't tell you what-and, well, he left her."

"That bastard," Elliot said angrily. "I knew she was too good for him. Do I need to go kick his ass, knock some sense to him…make sure he knows what he's missing?"

Olivia laughed. Elliot loved Alex like a sister. She knew hearing that Max left her enraged him. "No, I think we can just leave him alone. I actually think she's a little relieved that he left her. It gives us time to…"

Elliot grinned stupidly. "Are you two getting back together?"

"I think so. We're taking it slowly. Alex has a lot to deal with right now."

"Liv, that's great! I'm so happy for you."

She smiled nervously. "There's just one problem."

"What?"

"Jessica."

Elliot's face tensed. "Did she say something? Does she hate you two because of this?" He could feel his anger rising. He hated people that judged others. "I swear if she said something I'll-"

"Elliot, chill. She doesn't know. I did a background check on her and her family. I didn't find anything on her but her parents both have fairly lengthy rap sheets. They've been arrested several times for destruction of property…El, all of their victims were gay. They held a lot of anti-gay meetings and stuff. They…they're her parents, and I know how much Alex wants to get to know her and…I swear if she…I mean, I-"

Elliot put his arm around her. They had been partners for six years now, and he loved her. He never thought he'd be happy with a female partner, but now, he wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world. She was his best friend. Anything that caused her pain caused him pain. "There are a lot of bad people out there, Liv," he told her. "But there are also a lot of good people. Focus on that. You said you didn't find anything on her?"

Olivia shook her head and wiped away a tear. "She's never even gotten a parking ticket. Her record's squeaky clean."

That made Elliot feel a little better. "Then maybe she doesn't feel the same way as her parents do-"

"Did." Olivia interrupted.

"What?"

"The way her parents did. They died about a year ago."

"Oh. Well, even so, her views may not be the same as her parents'. Give her a chance. You said Alex really wants to get to know her. Don't hate her until you know her Liv. We both know amazing people can come from not so amazing parents."

"Yeah. Alex is taking her to lunch right now actually. I think she might be planning on telling her today."

"Good. I-"

"Stabler, Benson, my office." Captain Cragen announced loudly. He noticed the annoyed looks on their faces but he didn't care. "Now, you two." He said, sternly this time.

They reluctantly followed him into his office and watched as he closed the door and sat down at his desk.

"What 'cha got cap?" Olivia asked anxiously, seeing the apprehensive look on Cragen's face.

"Yea Cap, you seem nervous. What gives?"

When he didn't answer, they got worried. He just sat there, staring between them at the wall behind them. His face didn't give anything away.

"Cap-" Olivia started.

"We found Lorena Bobbit."

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The Olive Garden was surprisingly busy for a late Friday afternoon. Alex looked around and noticed several people she knew on their lunch breaks. She politely acknowledged them as she and Jess followed the waitress to their table, but she didn't want to get dragged into any conversations.

Jess picked up on Alex's uneasiness. "We can go some place else if you want."

"No," Alex said sternly as she sat down. "This is my favorite restaurant. I like it here and I'm tired of running." She hesitated for a minute and sighed. "Jess, if anyone asks-"

"I'll tell them I'm your cousin visiting from Oregon."

Alex smiled. "Thank you."

"Alex, you don't have to-"

"Geez kid, can't you accept a thank you once in a while?" Alex asked laughing. "Every time I try to say 'thank you,' you blow it off. Just accept the damn statement."

"I'm-"

"Hey!" Alex yelled as she held up her hand. "If you finish that apology I'm gonna kick your ass."

Jess laughed. "Are you always this stubborn?"

"I'm a lawyer. It's my job. Are you always this bad at accepting thank yous?"

"Only when they're not necessary."

"Well, we'll have to work on that missy," Alex said, rolling her eyes.

Jess laughed. She wasn't used to being treated this way. Allen was still trying to convince her that he loved her, and they'd been together nearly two years. She just wasn't used to getting compliments. She wasn't really sure how to handle them.

"So," Alex said, breaking the silence. "What are you having?"

"I think I'll get the fettuccini alfredo. You?"

Alex smiled as she saw the waitress approach their table. "She'll have the fettuccini alfredo," she told her. "And I'll have my usual."

Jess noticed that the waitress gave Alex a funny look as she took their menus. "What was that all about?"

"No idea," Alex answered, smiling mischievously.

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Olivia wasn't sure she'd heard him right. She blinked several times and tried to remember to breathe. "Captain? Did you just say what I think you just said?"

He smiled, relief showing all over his face. "Yeah. We found her."

"How?" Elliot asked. "Where was she? Are you sure it's her? We don't have any information about her…how do you know it's her?"

Cragen smiled at Elliot's rambling. He knew he asked more questions than anyone else, and usually didn't stop in between to wait for an answer. He put his hand on his shoulder. "Calm down. Somebody ran a red light and hit her. She's at Mercy. They say her injuries aren't life threatening, but they'd like to keep her for a few days. The cops at the scene didn't even know it was her until they smelled something coming from her car. They opened her trunk and found several bags holding…you know…"

They knew. Three years ago they'd gotten a call that a man had been murdered at a cheap motel. When they arrived at the scene, the medical examiner told them that the cause of death was blood loss. Somebody had taken a knife to his penis and completely removed it, taking care to cut where there would be the most blood loss. Since then twenty-two more men had been killed in the same way, all apparently by the same person. There had never been any evidence-not even a hair or a fingerprint from the assailant. They had never had any leads-until now."

"Do you want us to go talk to her?" Elliot asked.

Cragen nodded. "Munch and Fin are talking to all the witnesses we had before-all the people who saw these men before they died. I already called Casey. She's going to meet you there. Hopefully the seven…penises," he said softly, "the cops found will be enough to indict her."

Olivia grabbed her jacket. "I don't think Casey will have any problem getting that warrant." She turned to Elliot. "Let's go nail this bitch."

They left the squad room and got into their car. Elliot drove while Olivia tried to think of how to question her-if they were even allowed to question her. They weren't sure how serious her injuries were. She noticed that Elliot was driving nearly as quickly as he normally did. He seemed a little apprehensive. "El," she said, her voice full of concern. "You okay?"

He shifted uneasily as he pulled into the parking lot. "I guess I just…I mean what she did…it's just wrong."

She smiled and gently patted his thigh. "Yeah, but we're going to make sure she never does it again."

They went inside and saw that Casey was already there waiting for them. She smiled as she walked over. "You two are going to love me.

Olivia laughed. Casey was one of her best friends. She had always been there for her, especially after she and Alex had broken up. Olivia knew she had also been there for Alex, which made her love her even more. Casey and her husband Steve had been such good friends to her in some of her darkest hours. She looked her in the eyes. "We already love you Casey."

"Well now you're going to love me even more."

Elliot rolled his eyes in annoyance. As much as he loved and respected Casey, she annoyed the hell out of him sometimes. He hated when she played games like this. "Just tell us Casey," he said angrily.

Casey was about to say something back to him when she felt Olivia's hand on her arm. She looked over and saw Olivia shake her head slightly, hoping Casey would get the hint that Elliot wasn't in the greatest of moods. She got it. "I got a warrant for her arrest. The judge denied her bail."

Elliot saw the smug look of accomplishment on her face and his anger grew. He rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "Casey, if that's all you did-"

"Elliot-" Olivia started.

"It's not," Casey said, trying to keep her voice calm. She could see the tension on Elliot's face. This case had really hit him hard. She knew he could be a jerk sometimes, but that was usually what she loved about him. He was a great guy, and a great friend. She smiled reassuringly. "I also got a warrant to search her apartment and a warrant to search her cottage up in Buffalo. We have full access to everything. Plus, she's saying she doesn't want legal representation. She says she wants to represent herself in front of a grand jury. I'll nail her you two. I promise."

"Holy shit," Elliot said, his eyes wide. "Casey, how the hell did you manage-"

Casey closed her eyes and grimaced. "The uh, bags in her trunk…yea, the judge let us go nuts with that. No pun intended. Munch and Fin are looking into her financial records, emails, phone calls, stuff like that. We have units searching both of her residences right now."

Relief flooded over Elliot. He sighed and smiled at her. "Thanks Casey."

She smiled. "You're welcome. And I'm sorry about joking earlier. I was just so excited that we got her. I know you guys have been looking for her for a long time."

"You're a good lawyer, Casey," He told her honestly. "You bug the hell out of me sometimes, but you're good."

"I'll get her Elliot, don't worry."

"I know you will."

The three of them walked down to the woman's room. They planned on taking her statement and officially arresting her. Before they entered the room, Olivia pulled out her cell phone. "I'll be right back. I have to make a quick phone call." She turned around and walked back down the hall.

"She's calling Alex to tell her she'll be late tonight." Elliot told a very confused Casey. He wasn't sure how he knew that, but he was sure that was exactly what she was doing.

Casey grinned. "Are they getting back together? What about Max?"

"I think they're working on some things. You'll have to get the details from them though."

"Max left her, didn't he?"

Elliot's eyes widened. "How the hell did you figure that out?"

Casey laughed. "You said it yourself. I'm good. Besides, I saw how happy Alex was when she was with Olivia. I didn't see that when she was with Max."

Elliot sighed. "I don't think any of us did."

Casey noticed that Elliot seemed upset. "There's more, isn't there? What happened Elliot? Is Alex okay?"

Elliot looked her in the eyes. "I can't tell you Casey. I barely know anything myself. I promised Liv I wouldn't tell anyone."

Casey nodded understandingly. "Then keep that promise. I'll shut up now."

"I'm sure they'll tell us when they're ready."

"Yeah," Casey said, reminding herself to call Alex later on. She hadn't spoken to her in several days and now she regretted it. "For now though, we have someone's ass to put in jail." She noticed Olivia walking back towards them. "Let's do this."


	11. The Olive Garden

Realizing that it was probably going to take a while before their food arrived, Alex tried to lessen the boredom that was sure to ensue. "So, while we're waiting for our wonderful Italian cuisine to arrive, tell me what it is that you do to pay your tuition and other bills and such."

Jess laughed. "That was a fancy way of asking me what I do for a living."

"Again, lawyer. It's my job."

"Right," Jess said, smiling and rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I have a degree in Graphic Design with an emphasis in Desktop Publishing. I basically make wedding invitations and other announcements. I do a lot of brochures for upcoming company meetings and events and stuff like that."

Alex was amazed. That was pretty impressive, especially since she was so young. "Where do you work?"

"My bedroom."

"What? Jess, do you…is it – do you do it by yourself?"

Jess blushed. "I do it with Allen. He's amazing. He does all the legal and technical stuff. I put the brochures together. Matthews and Handley Designs. That was his idea. I wanted his name first but, well, he said since I was the creative one, my name had to go first." She paused, and looked away. "He's the one that convinced me to do it. I never really thought I was good enough."

Alex smiled. "Jess, of course you're good enough. I saw how you cleaned my apartment and organized everything. You're really creative. I'd love to see some of your work – if it's okay with you, of course."

"Yeah, sure." She smiled slightly. She wasn't sure if she was excited or scared. Her parents thought she was throwing her life away with this career choice. They didn't care that she as pulling in enough money to pay for her entire tuition without aid as well as an apartment in New York City. They just weren't interested. Why was Alex? Why did Alex care so much about her? She wanted to ask her, but now wasn't the time. She forced a smile. "So, tell me about your job. What made you want to become a lawyer?" as soon as she finished the question, she wanted to take it back. She remembered Alex's scars. Something horrible had happened; and she no doubt wanted to make sure she could put people like that away.

Alex noticed Jess' sudden regret at having asked that question, but it didn't bother her. By now she figured Jess had seen her scars, and had probably come to at least a few accurate conclusions. She swallowed. "I was tired of seeing people get away with heinous crimes. I just wanted to help people send their assailants to jail."

_They never caught him,_ Jess thought. She smiled, completely in shock at the strength and bravery this woman had. "You are an incredible person, Alexandra Cabot."

"No I'm not."

Jess grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently. "Yea, Alex, you are."

She smiled, fighting the tears that were forming in her eyes. "Well I think you're pretty incredible yourself Jessica Matthews."

"I know this is going to sound incredibly cheesy but I don't care." Jess took a deep breath. "I am so glad I found you. I was so confused for so long. I…you…I want to be a part of your life. I want you to be a part of my life. I hope…"

Alex squeezed her hand. She felt the same way, but she was still scared. She hadn't told Jess about her relationship with Olivia. The fact that Jess was as caring and willing to wait until she was ready to talk was beyond her comprehension. Still, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that she was all too good to be true. She forced a smile anyway. "I'm really glad you found me, too."

Jess noticed the nerves in Alex's voice, but she didn't get the chance to say anything. The waitress arrived with their food and Jess realized why she'd given Alex such a strange look. She, too, had ordered the fettuccini alfredo. She smiled. The two of them were so alike it was scary.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Elliot walked into the hospital room with Casey following close behind. The woman, who's real name was Cynthia Zeller, was lying in bed, smiling, waiting for them.

"Well detectives," she said softly. "I was wondering when you were going to drop by. And look, you even brought your little lawyer friend with you."

"Cynthia Zeller," Olivia said, walking over to her and handcuffing her to the bed, "You are under arrest for the murders of twenty-three men. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say –"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she interrupted. "Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I know that I have the right to an attorney and if I can't get one, one will be appointed to me. I know my rights, detectives." She smiled, then looked over at Elliot and narrowed her eyes. "You ever cheat on your wife, detective?"

Elliot stiffened and looked her straight in the eyes. "No."

"Ever been tempted?"

"No. I love my wife."

"Good. That's good. You should keep it that way. I'd hate to think about what would happen if you were to cheat on her with the wrong woman."

Before Elliot could respond, Olivia jumped in, praying she could avoid a huge fight. "I've been told you don't want legal representation. Any particular reason you feel that way?"

Cynthia looked at Olivia and smiled. "I want the jury to hear my side of the story. My real side, not what some dumb lawyer wants them to hear."

"If I get my way, which I will, you won't even make it to the grand jury." Casey said angrily. "The judge'll indict you before you can even try."

"We'll see Ms. Novak," Cynthia said. "I won't be going to jail. Once the judge hears about this poor woman who found out her husband cheated on her dozens of times and gave her several STDs, she'll let me go."

Casey grabbed her briefcase and started to leave. "And once the judge finds out that you killed twenty-three men by cutting off their testicles, she'll lock you up for the rest of your life." She walked out, with Elliot and Olivia following behind.

Elliot moved slowly, nervously. "Casey," he said once they were in the hall. "Do you think the judge –"

"Elliot," Casey interrupted gently. She could tell the conversation had left him on edge. "The judge isn't going to let her go. I'll get her. This is a slam dunk case."

"But what her husband did…"

"Was wrong, yes, but that doesn't give her the right to go Lorena Bobbit twenty-three times. She was methodical, calculated. This wasn't the work of some psychopath who hand no idea what she was doing. Zeller was thinking clearly when she did this. I'll get her Elliot."

Elliot was clearly upset. He obviously didn't see them winning this case nearly as easily as Casey did. He was sure Cynthia was going to figure out how to cop an insanity plea or something. He could feel the tension and anxiety rising in him.

"Go home, Elliot," Olivia said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Go spend some time with Kathy and the kids. Casey and I can handle this until morning."

"But-"

"She's right," Casey added. "Elliot you look like shit and I'm sure you feel even worse. Go home. Take a shower. Relax. Spend time with your family. I know you don't get to do that often. Come back refreshed tomorrow."

"But-"

"Dammit, Elliot, no buts!" Olivia yelled. "Get out of here and go home. Casey and I can handle this. We're big girls!"

They were right. He hated to admit it, but it was true. Plus, he really needed to spend time with his family. If he left now, he could still eat dinner with them, which was something he hadn't done in nearly two months. He sighed. "Okay, I'll go, but if anything happens-"

"ELLIOT!" They yelled in unison.

"Alright, alright, I'm leaving." He turned around and walked away. He hated leaving in the middle of a case, especially this case, but he had to. It was getting to him. Besides, he knew that Olivia and Casey were more than capable of handling it for one night. He just hoped that Casey was right about nailing Cynthia so easily.

"He has got to be the most stubborn man I know!" Casey said once Elliot was gone.

Olivia laughed. "He's almost as stubborn as Alex, which isn't easy to do."

Casey raised her eyebrows and smiled mischievously. "Speaking of Alex…are you two…you know…"

Olivia's eyes widened. "What? How did you-"

Casey's grin widened. "When you disappeared to make that phone call, Elliot told me you were calling her."

"I'm gonna kill him."

"Relax Liv, that's all her told me. I figured out on my own that Max left her. I knew he wasn't good enough for her. Besides, I saw how happy you two were when you were together."

Olivia arched her eyebrows. "You saw it?"

"Oh yeah," Casey said laughing. "You two were so obviously in love, even if she never really admitted it. There was just something about the two of you…I could sense it. You both had this spark in your eyes. It was amazing. After you two broke up, you both lost that spark. I didn't see it in he when she was with Max, but I saw it in you tonight."

"What?"

"When you entered the building, you were glowing." She hesitated. She remembered how quiet and secretive Elliot had been. "Liv, is everything okay with Alex? Elliot seemed…upset."

Casey's voice was full of concern and Olivia hated keeping secrets from her. She knew Casey cared a lot about Alex, but right now she wasn't going to betray Alex's trust. She looked up and met Casey's eyes. "She's going through some stuff right now. I'm not really at liberty to say. Just…I guess just be extra nice to her for a while. Make sure she knows you're there if she needs you."

"Liv?"

"Casey, I can't tell you any more. Not right now. Just be there for her, okay?"

Casey put her arm around her as they walked out into the parking lot. "Liv, she's like my sister. I will always be there for her."

"Good, because right now, she's going to need all the support we can offer."

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Alex and Jess were just about to start looking for their waitress to ask for their bill when she arrived. "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting," she said anxiously. "We're short-staffed this week and lately we've been getting slammed."

"Not a problem," Alex said as she picked it up. The waitress left, promising to return shortly. Alex started to take her wallet out of her purse when she froze. He was close. She could smell him. She couldn't move.

Jess noticed that Alex had suddenly frozen, fear in her eyes. "Alex?"

"No…no, no, no, no, no," Alex said quietly as she began rocking back and forth.

Jess knew she had to get Alex out of there. She reached into her purse and pulled out her own wallet. She put thirty dollars on the table, hoping it was enough to cover the bill and a tip. She grabbed her purse, then grabbed Alex's. When she turned around to face the exit, she saw that their way was blocked by a large party trying to put several tables together and get situated. She had to get Alex away from all these people.

"B-b-bathroom," Alex said shakily, still frozen with fear.

Jess spun back around and helped Alex stand. She had to half-carry her the entire way to the bathroom.

"Go away, go away, go away, go away," Alex said, still rocking back and forth.

As soon as they walked in, Alex threw herself into the first stall and started vomiting up her lunch. Jess stepped in behind her and pulled her hair back out of her face. "It's okay Alex," She told her, rubbing her back gently. "You're not back there. You're safe, I promise. I'm right here."

Tears of pain and guilt poured from her eyes as she realized what was happening. Everything she felt when it was happing had come back. She knew she was still in the restaurant, but all the pain, all the humiliation, it all came flooding back to her and she couldn't deal with it. It was too painful. It had happened so quickly. One second she was fine and enjoying lunch and the next, well the next she was puking in the toilet.

"You okay?" Jess asked when Alex pulled her face out of the toilet. She grabbed a handful of toilet paper and was about to wipe Alex's face when Alex took it from her.

"Don't," she said angrily. "You shouldn't have to touch something this disgusting." She wiped her face and flushed the toilet.

Jess wasn't sure if Alex was talking about her vomit-covered face or herself, but she didn't ask. She put her arm under Alex's. "Come on," she said softly. "Let's get you out of here."

Alex let Jess help her up and they walked outside. The fresh air felt good on her face. She sighed sadly, embarrassed. "How much like shit do I look?" She asked Jess as they made their way to the subway. "And be honest."

"You look fine," Jess told her truthfully. "You can't even tell what just happened, I promise." She paused for a moment. "Do you need to go home?"

Alex wasn't sure. The sudden flood of emotions had left her exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but she still wanted to go to the park with Jess. She just wasn't sure if Jess still wanted to. She swallowed nervously and shook her head. "I think I still want to go to the park."

"You sure? We can always take a raincheck."

"I'm sure."

"Okay, the park it is."

"Hey, Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"You got any gum or mints? I have a feeling my breath smells about as bad as my mouth tastes."

Jess laughed as she dug through her purse and pulled out a piece of Juicy Fruit. "We'll have to make a quick stop though," she said.

"Why?"

"That was my last piece."

Alex laughed. "There's a convenience store up here on the corner."

"That'll work."

"Jess?"

"Yeah?"

Alex tried to smile. "Thanks."

Jess laced her arm in Alex's, hoping to show the woman that she wasn't going anywhere. "Come on. Let's go to the park."


	12. Small world, huh?

Jess and Alex made their way to a bench in the middle of the park. Just as they were sitting down, Alex's cell phone rang. She rolled her eyes as she pulled it out and answered it. "Cabot…oh, hey Liv…They found her? Who's prosecuting…Oh, thank God. If anyone can win it's Casey…What do you mean she refused representation…Yeah, the judge'll allow it…Liv, that's awesome! Tell Elliot I said congrats. I know this case has been hard on him…You won't…Oh, uh yea, that's fine…no it's okay…Okay, good luck." Alex hung up the phone.

"That sounded like good news." Jess said, smiling.

Alex nodded and gave a huge sigh of relief. "Olivia and Elliot – he's her partner – have been working on this case for three years. This woman has killed twenty-three men by," she made a snipping sign with her fingers "Chopping them off."

Jess cringed. "Lorena Bobbit to the extreme?"

"Exactly."

"That's sick. Do they have a good case?"

"Rock solid. Plus, the lawyer prosecuting her, Casey Novak, is brilliant."

Jess wasn't sure she'd heard correctly. She prayed she didn't. "What did you say the lawyer's name was?"

"Casey Novak. She's a great lawyer and one of my best friends. You'll have to meet her some time."

"I already have," Jess said solemnly. She and Casey went way back, and their relationship was anything but friendly. She couldn't believe Alex knew her. "Small world, huh?"

Alex could tell that Jess was upset at hearing she and Casey were friends. She couldn't figure out why Jess didn't like her. "What happened between you two?"

"Does she know about me?"

"No, I haven't spoken to her in a few days. Why?"

"She hates me, and she has every right to." Jess turned away and looked across the park. "I did something Alex, something I shouldn't have done."

"Jess, Casey's a very forgiving person-"

"Alex, please don't lie for her. I know you care about her and if she's important to you, she's important to me. I can be friendly with her, even if she refuses to be with me. I just know that I really hurt her and…I saw the pain in her eyes, Alex. Trust me when I say that she is not going to forgive me that easily."

Alex wasn't sure what to do. Casey was one of her best friends, and she didn't want to lose her. There had to be a way to at least get these two to be comfortable around each other. They didn't have to be best friends, but Alex wanted them to be able to have dinner together. She didn't want to have to throw separate dinner parties. She put her hand on Jess' back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jess laughed nervously, "You'd hate me if-"

"Jess," Alex said sternly. "I could never hate you, not after what you've done for me. Whatever happened, it's in the past. You can't change what you've done. All you can do is try to do better in the future."

"She really means a lot to you, doesn't she?"

Alex nodded, "I love her like a sister."

Jess took a deep breath and nodded, looking down to her lap. She decided to just get it out and pray that Alex would forgive her. She would worry about Casey's forgiveness when the time came. She took a deep breath and started.

"I was fifteen when I graduated high school, sixteen when I went away to college. I was emancipated from my parents by then. Otherwise, I would have had to get their permission to come to NYU, which was never going to happen. Casey was friends with my roommate's older sister. God, she was always so nice to me. I didn't make a lot of friends because of my age, but she didn't care. I remember her yelling at my roommate. Michelle wanted her to buy some alcohol for a party she wanted to throw," Jess laughed, remembering better times. "Casey told her that just because she was twenty-one, she didn't have to buy her friend's sister and her sixteen-year-old roommate alcohol." She sighed, smiling and wishing things had turned out differently. "Anyway, Casey was dating this kid Brian. I was so jealous. I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen. Then she found out that I had a crush on him. She thought it was cute and said something like, 'Oh sweetie, you're sixteen. You don't have a chance with him.' I don't think she really meant it to be mean, she just wanted to keep me from trying to steal him. It still hurt though…" she trailed off.

Alex put her arm around her. "Of course it still hurt. Jess, I had no idea you were so young when you went to college. Living with college-aged people and everything, it must have been so hard."

Jess nodded and smiled, though it wasn't a happy smile. It was one of annoyance at how hard her situation had been. "It was. I felt so out of place. But then, Brian started showing an interest in me. My parents called and told me that Casey had once dated a black man. I told them there was nothing wrong with that, but being the racist, conservative nuts that they were, they said it was wrong. They told me that if I really hurt her, they'd be proud of me."

"Jess, they-" Alex started, not really sure what to say.

"They wanted me to humiliate her, and that's exactly what I did. I found out that the only reason Brian was interested in her was for the sex, and that he'd been pretty abusive towards his past girlfriends. I hated myself for what I was planning on doing, but I figured I could please my parents and prevent Casey from getting hurt…well, at least from getting hurt by him." Jess sighed. "I secretly taped Brian one night when he came over. I got him to tell me that he loved me more than her, and that he was just after her for the sex. He told me that he was going to break it off with her. Then I found out he changed his mind. He was going to take her to a big baseball game and announce his love to her in front of hundreds of students from school. I snuck the tape I'd made into the audio booth. Everybody heard it. She ran off in tears and switched schools. Brian was pissed for about a day, and then started dating some cheerleader from another school. My parents were prouder of me then than they ever were before, but I hated myself. God not a day goes by that I don't wish I could undo what I did. She's never going to forgive me, Alex. I don't deserve it."

Alex looked at Jess, shocked at the story she'd just heard. She couldn't picture Jess doing something like that. Yet, here she was, on the verge of tears because she felt so guilty. Alex hugged her. "I don't hate you, Jess. Yes, what you did was wrong, but I understand why you did it. You were sixteen and you needed your parents to be proud of you. Every sixteen-year-old needs that at some point in their lives. You also knew that you had to get Casey away from him." Alex rubbed Jess' back. "Talk to Casey, Jess. Explain what happened. She probably won't forgive you right away, but she'll try. She's a good person. She'll see how sorry you are. She won't hate you forever."

Jess smiled weakly. "I hope not. I feel so terrible."

"I know you do. She'll see that, too. It'll work out, Jess, don't worry." Alex desperately wanted to change the subject. She was so glad that Jess had trusted her with this. That hadn't been easy for her to talk about, and she was happy to let Jess cry on her shoulder, especially after she had cried on Jess'. It proved Jess trusted her, which she needed to see. If she was going to trust Jess, that trust had to be reciprocated. Still, this day was supposed to be fun. She needed to change the subject. "So, tell me, why'd you pick NYU?"

Jess wiped away her tears and looked up, confusion written all over her face. Then she smiled, realizing Alex had changed the subject. "You're good. I don't think I can change a subject that quickly."

"Again, lawyer. It's a habit. Anyways, why'd you choose NYU?"

"Well, as you know I graduated from high school two years early. My parents weren't even proud. They were upset that I was ranked third in my class instead of first. I knew I had to get away. NYU seemed like a great choice. It was far away and had a great Graphic Arts program. My parents weren't pleased with my choice of schools. NYU wasn't exactly their top pick."

"But it was yours?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah, it was. They wanted me to go to Harvard or Princeton or one of those ritzy Ivy League schools, but to be honest, my SAT scores weren't really good enough. Besides, I wanted to decide where I went. I was tired of always letting them make my decisions for me."

Alex smiled and patted her on the knee. "Good for you. That couldn't have been easy."

Jess smiled in agreement. "Hardest thing I've ever done – even harder than getting the courage to come meet you."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows. "You were afraid to meet me?"

"Not really of meeting you – I was more afraid of ruining your life. I knew you were the bureau chief of a huge law firm and I would have killed myself if I'd done anything to jeopardize that."

"Jess, you do know that you haven't ruined my life, right?" Alex asked, her voice full of concern.

Jess sighed. "I'm still trying to believe it," she said weakly. "It's just, well…last night in the bathroom…and today at lunch…I-I feel so bad. I can't help but think that if I hadn't shown up you'd still be happy."

Alex put her arm around Jess and gave her a gentle squeeze. "Jess, listen to me," she said firmly. "When you showed up in my office yesterday, I was dead. I lived my life only for my cases, nothing else mattered. I didn't let anyone close, not even the man I agreed to marry. I pushed all of my feelings and memories deep inside me, but they never went away. I hated myself-"

"Alex-" Jess started.

"Please, just let me finish," Alex said. She took a deep breath. "I never let anybody get close to me. I rarely went out. I married a guy named Jack. He knew a little, but once he found out I was…raped," she said, surprised she'd said the word. She felt Jess squeeze her hand, giving her the support she needed to keep going. "He told me that if I let someone mutilate my body then I could let him do whatever he wanted. He hit me several times before I finally got the courage to leave him. Then I met Max. He was so sweet. I told him about Jack, though I didn't tell him why he'd hit me. I didn't tell him what happened, either. I pulled the whole 'Let's wait until we're married,' thing. Doing that hurt, but I figured if we were married he'd have to accept me."

"Alex, you-"

"I'm not done," Alex said, realizing Jess was just as stubborn as she was. "God I haven't been able to look at my body in the mirror since…since it happened. I hated how I looked and I was so sure everybody else felt the same way. When I saw you, I panicked. Partly because I had always thought you were dead, but mostly because I was scared. For a moment I thought maybe we had a chance. Then Max left me and I saw myself briefly in the mirror. I knew you would hate me, too." She took a deep breath. "I think I finally realized there was still a chance for us when I woke up the next morning to find my apartment clean and you sleeping on my couch. Knowing that you and Olivia had stayed, and that you cared…Jess I felt safe and loved for the first time in a long time. I need to deal with this. I need to deal with what happened. I've always been too scared and ashamed, but now…Jess you have no idea how much you helped me last night."

Jess wrapped her arms around a now sobbing Alex. She didn't even bother to hide her own tears. "I wanted to get to know you," she said, rubbing Alex's back. "Seeing you like that last night scared the shit out of me, but it wasn't a disgusted scared. I wasn't scared _of_ you, I was scared _for_ you. You are an amazing person, Alexandra Cabot. I knew that the second you accepted me, despite the fact that I was supposed to be dead and nobody knew you had a sister. You were still willing to risk those relationships to get to know me. That proves what an incredible person you are. Alex, you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me."

Alex laughed through her tears and pulled out of the hug. "Please," she said modestly as she wiped away her tears. "You're giving me way too much credit." She tried not to sound too nervous. She still hadn't told Jess that she was gay. She knew she had to, but she was scared. She needed Jess right now, but she knew it was wrong to keep something like this a secret from her.

"Alex, I'd give you more credit if I knew how."

"Stop," she said smiling.

"No, really, you're amazing."

"Jess-"

"And smart-"

"Stop-"

"And gorgeous-"

"No I'm-"

"Yes you are, and you're funny-"

"Jess!" Alex yelled, rolling her eyes. Hearing Jess praise her this way was going to make telling her even harder.

"And you're the most stubborn person I know, but it's a good stubborn." Jess continued, determined to convince Alex that she was amazing.

"Jessica!"

"And you're-"

"Gay!" Alex exclaimed, then immediately regretted it. That wasn't how she had wanted to tell Jess.

"What?" Jess asked, not sure if she'd heard correctly.

Alex took a deep breath. "I'm gay. Olivia and I…we're together."

It was then that Jess saw that Alex was scared, and shaking. She held her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Alex looked up, tears pouring down her cheeks, her eyes begging for acceptance. Jess smiled and squeezed her hand again. "Alex, I'm not my parents."

Alex closed her eyes and shook her head. She had to play innocent. "What?"

Jess rolled her eyes and smiled. "Oh please, a cop and a lawyer? You did a background check on me as soon as you could."

"I-I-we-" Alex stammered.

"It's okay. As soon as Olivia told me she was a cop, I figured it would happen."

"Do you – I mean – I – do you –"

"Alex," Jess said sternly. "I am not my parents." She paused. "Does she make you happy?"

"Yes, yes she does."

"Then you deserve to be with her."

"But your parents –"

"Were conservative zealots who drove me crazy. I'm not them, Alex. I don't think the way that they did." Jess smiled slightly. "Olivia obviously loves you, Alex, and I can tell that you feel the same way about her. You don't have to hide your relationship. Do what makes you happy, Alex. I'll still be here."

A few tears slid down Alex's cheeks. Relief swept over her as she heard Jess' words. She couldn't believe someone like Jess had come from parents like the ones she had. "Thank you, Jess…for…for accepting me."

Jess patted her knee. "Alex, you don't –"

"Hey!" Alex interrupted, laughing through her tears. "What did I tell you about accepting my thank-yous?"

"Fine," Jess said defeatedly. "You're welcome."

"That's better, now was that so hard?"


	13. You can tell me

Disclaimer: Dick still owns 'em.

This chapter is going to be pretty long. I couldn't figure out how to best break it up without creating incredibly short ones, so yea…if it makes for a difficult read or anything, let me know. Reviews are always appreciated 

I know I haven't been updating this as frequently lately. Sorry. I just finished my finals last week and I've had a serious case of writer's block. I'll try to update more often now.

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Jess slowly walked into her apartment and smiled when she saw Allen cooking dinner. She dropped her purse in a chair and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing him. "Mmmm, I've missed you."

Allen wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. She looked tired, both emotionally and physically. He could see it in her eyes the second she walked in. When he pulled out of the kiss, he looked at her. "How was it?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Tears were threatening to consume her but she refused to let that happen. She took several more deep breaths before she felt she could speak without completely breaking down. "Intense. She's not my mother. There's something in her life she's hiding. She was damn near impossible to find. I swear the damn woman's died twice!" She laughed nervously. "I remembered my birth certificate said my mother was Alexandra Cabot, so that's what I searched. Unfortunately, all the results were for the woman I met today, who's six years older than me. I kept searching." She looked up at him and smiled. "Do you know how many pages Google gives you? About ten thousand."

His eyes widened. "How far did you go?"

She laughed. "I think I got to about page two hundred before I finally found something that explained it. My mother was Alexandra Cabot, but not the Alexandra Cabot I met today. My mother, however, had a younger sister named Sarah, who happens to be the same age as the Alex I met today. My mother died about three months after I was born and that's when I was placed up for adoption. After a hell of a lot of digging, I found that Sarah changed her name to Alexandra when she was eighteen. I have no idea why, but something happened." She took a deep breath. "I kept finding all these articles saying Alex Cabot had been shot and killed. Then, I kept finding all these cases she worked on…two years later. The only thing I can imagine is Witness Protection." She smiled sadly and rested her head against Allen's chest.

He could feel his shirt getting wet from her tears, and he knew there was a lot she wasn't telling him, but he didn't push her. She would talk when she was ready. He kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back. "Well, seeing as how you stayed out last night…without calling by the way…I take it she wanted to get to know you?"

Jess smiled as she wiped a few tears away. "Not at first, but you know me. I was on a mission to get to know this woman."

Allen laughed. "How long did you have to argue with her?"

"Actually, only a few minutes. She's hiding so much pain Allen." She looked up at him. "I'm so sorry I didn't call last night. I just…I found her having a panic attack on the bathroom floor and things just spiraled from there. I told her a little about my parents. She took me to lunch and had another panic attack. We went to the park and I told her about Casey. She told a little about her past, but it wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. Then she told me she was gay and was completely shocked that I didn't care." She smiled. "Her girlfriend's a cop. She did a background check on me and found out about my parents. It took me a few minutes to convince her that I'm not them, which is something I'm still trying to convince myself."

Allen led her into the table and put a full plate of food in front of her. "Eat. You look hungry." He sat down next to her and gently rubbed her back. "Jess you're not your parents. You never have been and you never will be. You are Jessica Matthews and you are the most amazing woman I know. I love you."

She smiled through her tears and set her fork down. "I love you, too. God Allen you are way too good to me. What did I do to deserve you?"

"Ah, well, you took that class and aced it easily. You're gorgeous. Add those to the fact that you are the most kind and caring person I know. Of course I love you. There's no way I can't love you. You're impossible _not_ to love."

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes. "Allen, I left her alone tonight."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed. "We got back from the park and she told me to leave. She said she'd taken me away from my life for too long and she wanted me to go home. I kind of protested but she's a lawyer…anyway I told her I would go home if she promised to call me if she needed me."

He patted her thigh. "Then she knows she's not alone. You can't take care of her. She's a grown woman. Let her take care of herself and lean on others when she needs them. You told her she could call you. There's nothing more you can do." He shook his head in amazement and smiled. "This has been an intense thirty-six hours, huh?"

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"Well tonight you just sit back and relax. Let me do the dishes and you can just rest. We'll take a nice long bath, I'll tell you how much I love you, and we'll go to bed."

"Allen, the house is a mess, and judging by the pile of laundry in the hall, I'm guessing the pants you have on are the last pair of clean ones."

He blushed. "Yeah, I'll do some laundry tonight after you fall asleep."

She gave him that knowing look. "Allen the last time you did laundry we had about two inches of water and soap suds covering the entire floor of this apartment."

He laughed, embarrassed. "Yeah, well, I didn't read the directions last time. I learned my lesson, honestly." He paused, looking at her seriously. "I can do my own laundry for one night, Jess. Tonight, you need to take care of yourself."

She nodded reluctantly. He was right. She could feel exhaustion taking over her, and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. She handed him her plate and watched as he did the dishes, doing them exactly the way she had taught him when they first moved in together. It made her feel loved that he had listened to her, even if it was a simple as doing the dishes. It proved her ideas counted to him, which was a first to her.

When the dishes were done, he led her to the bathroom and filled up the tub. He lit some candles and started to undress.

"I just can't believe I left her alone tonight!" Jess said, pulling off her shirt. She was still feeling guilty. She kicked off her shoes and tried to undo her pants, but her hands were shaking so much that the task was impossible. "Come on!" She yelled.

"Honey, come here," Allen said gently. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You didn't leave her alone. You made sure she was okay before you left and you made her promise to call you if she needed anything, no matter what time it was."

She blushed. "Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't really thinking that her calling might wake you up. I promise if she calls I'll try to answer right away."

"Jess, sweetie, relax." Allen said soothingly. He unbuttoned her pants and gently helped her step out of them. He looked her in the eyes and brushed the hair out of her face.

"Allen, I-"

He put a finger to her mouth, knowing she was about to apologize again. "Shhh. I love you, Jess. Stop apologizing. You don't have anything to apologize for. Besides, I'm glad you told her she could come to you."

"Really?"

He pulled her into the tub with him and wrapped his arms around her gently. "Absolutely. It shows what a great person you are. She's lucky you found her." He kissed the back of her head and gently rubbed her arm. "I love you, Jess."

"I love you, too. I'm so sorry I didn't call last night. I –"

"Jess."

"What?"

"Stop apologizing."

"Sorry."

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "Sooner or later we're going to break that apologizing habit of yours." He paused, feeling her body tense and he knew she was trying to fight the tears. "It's okay to cry, Jess. That's what I hear you tell every one else. It's true for you, too."

She leaned back into him and closed her eyes. She didn't want to cry, didn't want him to see her as weak, but she couldn't help it. So much had happened in the last two days and she lost it. She let the tears fall.

He pulled her closer and kissed the back of her head. He gently rubbed her arms and smiled. He had fallen in love with her the moment he had laid eyes on her. The only problem at the time was that he was her mentor for her senior seminar. He would have gotten fired if anything had happened between them. Once she finished, however, she was fair game. It had taken him several weeks to convince her to go to dinner, but he had finally succeeded. Since then they had spent as much time as possible together, and had just recently moved in together. She had such low self-esteem, which was something he was trying to help her work on. He had seen her grow so much in loving herself, but she still had a problem believing that other people loved her. He sighed. "I'm glad you found this woman, honey."

She sniffled and nodded. "I kind of told her girlfriend that I didn't know she wasn't my mother. I didn't want her knowing how much time I'd spent searching for her information. I hope she doesn't get mad."

"She won't. Besides, this Alex woman sounds pretty amazing. You just be yourself with her. Build your relationship. Let it go. Maybe, in time, she'll tell you what you need to know."

She forced a smile as they climbed out of the tub. "That's just it though. I mean at first I think I only wanted to get to know her so I could get information on my mom, but now…God Allen now I just want to get to know her. I want her to be a part of my life. She is…incredible. I know this sounds so stupid…"

"No it doesn't." He told her, pulling her into bed next to him. He pulled the covers up and wrapped his arms around her. "Maybe you didn't find exactly what you were looking for, but you still found something. Maybe this was supposed to happen – like you were supposed to be a part of each other's lives."

"Yeah, maybe so."

Jess fell asleep in his arms. She knew she hadn't really told him anything about Alex that could be construed as a betrayal of trust. She hadn't mentioned any details, and Allen hadn't asked either. He asked about her, sure, but as soon as she had tried to steer the conversation in another direction, he had followed. That was one of the things she loved about him. He always asked and voiced his love and concern, but he never pressured her to talk. He was always so respectful. She snuggled a little closer, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

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As she put the water on the stove to boil, Alex tried to convince herself that she had made the right decision by sending Jess home. She had told Jess to go spend time at home with Allen because he was probably worried sick about her. She poured in the macaroni and tried to believe that Jess wasn't going to take the conversation the wrong way and never speak to her again.

When she sat down in front of the TV, a bowl of macaroni and cheese in her hands, she realized she wasn't really that hungry. She took a few bites, knowing that she shouldn't go to bed without at least eating something, but she couldn't eat much. Her mid kept replaying the last conversation she'd had with Jess.

"_You should really go home, Jess," Alex had said once they got back to her apartment. "Allen must be worried sick about you."_

_"I'm sure he's fine. He knows where I am."_

_She smiled. "Go home Jess. I've kept you away from your life for more than twenty-four hours. I don't want to keep you away any longer."_

_"Alex, you haven't –"_

_"Geez, kid, go home!" Alex said, laughing. "Please don't let yourself get completely sucked into my problems."_

_Jess had considered the request. She didn't want Alex to feel abandoned, but at the same time she knew that she needed her space. She nodded and gathered her things. "Okay, I'll go. Just promise you'll call me if you need anything, no matter what time it is."_

_Alex rolled her eyes. "Jess, I'm not going to wake you up at two in the morning just because –"_

_"Especially at two in the morning," Jess said sternly. "Alex if you need me, call me. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to do this all on your own. Call me. I'll come right over. That's what friends do. That's what…family does."_

_Alex looked up and wanted to cry. "Family?"_

_Jess smiled and hugged her. "Family. Face it Alex, you're my aunt. That makes us family, and family members support each other." She pulled out of the hug and patted Alex's shoulder. "Now I'm going to heed your request and go home. My phone is always on, Alex. Always."_

She pulled her knees up to her chest and cried. This had all happened so quickly. Jess had just shown up at her office and things had begun spiraling out of control. Her niece was alive. Max left her. She had the worst flashback of her entire life. Jess had helped her. Olivia had come over and they had sort of gotten back together. She'd had another flashback and Jess had helped her again. A lot had happened in the last thirty-six hours. Her emotions were running wild as she sat on the couch, crying, wishing Olivia would come home soon.

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Casey and Olivia were sitting in Casey's office going over the paperwork for the Cynthia Zeller case. Casey knew Olivia really hated having to stay late to work on a slam dunk case, and it was especially obvious right now. "Go home Liv. I can handle this."

She looked up and shook her head. "Case, I don't want to leave you with all this paperwork. You don't have to do it all yourself."

"Liv, go home. Be with Alex. I know she needs you more than I do right now." She smiled. "Besides, I'm not going to do all the paperwork myself. I'll do all of mine. Yours will be sitting on your desk when you arrive tomorrow morning."

"Gee, thanks."

"Go home, Liv. She needs you. I can see it in your eyes."

Olivia smiled sadly and nodded. "Okay." She stood and walked to the door before turning around and winking at Casey. "You know, it's damn near impossible to win an argument with you."

Casey laughed. "Liv, I'm a lawyer. I'm supposed to win my arguments."

"Yeah, yeah. Good night."

"G'night. Tell Alex I said hello."

"I will."

Olivia left Casey's office and went out to her car. She smiled slightly as she drove to Alex's apartment. She felt so lucky to have the friends she had, and to know that they all loved Alex so deeply. Casey was always there for her. Elliot was the "big guy who always wanted to help." Cragen was like a father to her. Even Munch and Fin would do anything for her. As she drove to Alex's, she knew everything was going to be okay. Yes, it was going to be a long and difficult road, but Alex had such a strong support system. She just hoped, for Alex's sake, that Jess was as good as she appeared.

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Alex heard someone unlocking her front door. She tried to dry her tears, hoping to make it look like she hadn't just been crying. She looked up as the door opened and couldn't help but cry again when she saw Olivia. "You came back," she said, her voice full of relief.

Olivia quickly put her things down and ran over to the couch. "Of course I came back," she said, wrapping her arms around Alex and pulling her close. "There is no place I'd rather be."

"But your case! Olivia it's –"

"It can wait. Casey's a big girl. She can handle it for one night by herself. Besides, you're more important to me than any case ever could be."

Alex stiffened. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear Olivia say that, especially if it wasn't true. "Do you really mean that? I mean, honest to God mean that? Because if you're just trying to make me feel better, if you're just –"

Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Yes. I really mean that. You are the most important thing in my life, Alex. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I love you, no matter what."

Alex looked away and tried to take deep, slow breaths so she didn't break down into sobs. "I'm…scared," she finally admitted quietly.

"It's okay to be scared, Al. It's okay."

She could feel the fear rising up in her and the only way she knew how to deal with it was to turn it into anger, and she couldn't stop it. "Why should I believe you? You already left me once before! Why should this time be any different?"

Olivia closed her eyes and cringed, not from Alex's words, but from the pain she knew she had caused her. She opened her eyes and looked straight at Alex. "I know I did, and if I could take that back I would. I would do anything to take back what I did."

"Why should you be any different than anybody else?"

"What?"

The anger grew stronger. Her eyes were wide and she wasn't about to even try to stop what she was about to say. "My parents made me pretend like it never happened. My ex-husband, Jack beat the shit out of me because it happened. Max left me before I even got the chance to tell him what happened. Why the hell should you be any different than anybody else?"

Olivia wrapped her arms around her and refused to let go, even when she tried to fight. "Because I love you. I love you Alexandra Cabot. I love you so completely and unconditionally that I don't even know how to put it into words. I look at you and see a woman who has been through hell and survived. I see a strength and beauty in you that I've never seen in anybody else. I'm right here, Alex. I promise. I am right here and I am not going anywhere. There is nothing in this world that could change that. Nothing." She made sure to emphasize the last "nothing" to make sure it was the one word Alex clung to.

Alex scoffed, wanting to believe Olivia's words but at the same time being unable to convince herself that they were true. She looked angrily at Olivia. "You'd feel differently if you knew what I did with him."

Olivia closed her eyes sadly and forced the tears back into her eyes, refusing to let them fall at that moment. She had no idea what to say, no idea how to help Alex. She took Alex's hand, but Alex tensed up and looked away. God this was hard. "I love you. I love you, Alex," she said again, and tried to put on a brave and loving face when Alex turned to face her, tears running down her cheeks. "I love you. Nothing that that man did to you will change how I feel."

"But I –" Alex started to protest, her breathing quickening as fear began to settle in.

"You did what you had to do to stay alive." Olivia took a deep breath. "You didn't do anything wrong, Alex. He forced you. He's the one I hate, not you." She paused and wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Believe me Alex, I am going to do everything I can to prove to you that I love you, no matter how long that takes."

"I told her." Alex said suddenly, needing to change the subject.

Olivia followed Alex's lead, knowing not to try to pressure her into talking about anything she wasn't ready to talk about. "You told who what?"

Alex sighed. "Jess. I…I told her about us."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in both shock and admiration. "And?"

"And I wish I had met her two years ago when you first told me you loved me. She accepted me, Liv. She doesn't care that I'm gay." Alex paused, then looked up at Olivia. "Liv, I told her I was…I told her I was raped."

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. _God she's brave,_ she thought. She smiled. "Good for you. I know that can't have been easy for you to do."

"You're not mad?"

Olivia blinked in surprise. "Mad? Alex why would I be mad?"

Alex looked away. "Because I told her before I told you. I mean I know I told you I was raped but I was angry and yelling at you. I confessed to her. I mean I really, really broke down and just…I didn't tell her any details. I just told her that it – it happened and I'm sorry I –"

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair and smiled. "Don't apologize. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Alex, I am so, so proud of you. You opened up and shared something that wasn't easy, but you did it. I don't care if you tell some grandmother in the middle of Siberia what happened before you tell me. I don't care who you talk to Alex, as long as you talk about it. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will say that over and over again until you believe it."

Alex leaned into Olivia, and when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her, she cried, and she cried hard. She brought her knees up to her chest and her entire body heaved with her sobs. Finally, she was letting herself hurt. Yes it was hard, and yes it was painful, but it felt so good to just let it all out and know that she was loved. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, and the entire time she felt Olivia's hand gently combing her hair, heard Olivia's gentle voice saying "I love you," over and over. She cried until her eyes were dry. This was it. It was time. She wanted to tell Olivia everything. She was going to do it. Finally, she was going to really talk about what happened.

"I…I was…I was raped," she started. She reached desperately for Olivia's hand. Olivia quickly grabbed hers and squeezed. Relief swept over her and she squeezed back. "I was raped when I was fourteen…by the same man who raped my sister."

Olivia rubbed her thumb back and forth over Alex's hand when Alex stopped. She kissed the top of her head. "I'm safe, Alex. I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me."

Alex nodded, and began to tell Olivia a story that was either going to bring them closer together…or tear them apart.

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Reviews would be nice, people! I've not been feeling the love lately 

Of course, thanks to all those who HAVE reviewed. I want to thank you all!


	14. Alex's Story

Disclaimer: Dick still owns 'em.

The writer's block is slowly leaving me, so hopefully the next few chapters will come quickly.

This chapter was really difficult for me to write. I think I wrote it down about fifty times before deciding on this one. It's Alex telling her story, so I'm going to make the rating a little higher, just because it gets a little graphic.

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They sat on the couch together. Olivia was leaning against the armrest and Alex was sitting next to her. She had her hands in her lap and stared at them, shaking and trying to figure out how she was going to do this. Olivia sat up and gently wrapped an arm around her. "Whenever you're ready, Alex. We have all night."

Alex closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded. There was so much to tell. She knew she had to get it out. If she didn't, it would consume her. She just prayed Olivia stayed true to her word.

"I guess I should start from the beginning," Alex said finally. She tried to gather her strength. "I had an older sister named Alexandra Sarah Cabot. My name was Sarah Alexandra Cabot. My parents weren't big on naming us I guess. I never want to be Sarah again. Never…Olivia, I'm so sorry I lied to you."

"Hey," Olivia said softly as she squeezed Alex's hand. "No apologies. I love you. I'm not here to judge. I'm here to listen. No apologies, Alex. It's okay."

Alex nodded. "Okay. Well, one night my parents told us they were going out, and would return the following afternoon. I was five and Alex was fifteen. She was so mad that she had to stay home with me instead of going out with her friends. She ignored me as soon as they left and refused to play anything with me all night. I remember being so mad because she wouldn't play dolls. The next thing I remember is her running into my room and telling me to hide in the closet. She looked so scared. I crawled into the corner and shut the door. Then this guy stormed in. they were both screaming, but he was angry. She was terrified. She was begging him not to hurt her but he didn't listen." Alex's voice started to shake, but she refused to fall apart now. She took a deep breath and held it for several seconds, then let it out and continued. "I crawled to the door so I could see what was happening. He held a knife to her throat and ripped her shirt off. Then he shoved her onto the bed and straddled her. He unzipped his pants and made her suck him until he…until he 'got hard' as he put it. Then he raped her. When he was done he stood up and told her to get dressed. He walked over to the closet but didn't open it. He knew I was there. He said that he would kill us if we said anything. He smiled and said he would come back for me when I was old enough."

Olivia kissed the back of her head as she hugged her. "I am so sorry you had to go through all that, Alex."

"I should have tried to stop him."

"No, Alex, honey," Olivia said gently. "You were only five years old. He held a knife to her throat. There was nothing you could have done. You couldn't have stopped him sweetie."

"They always blamed me!" Alex yelled angrily.

"Who? Alex, who blamed you?"

"My parents!" she said as she started to cry. She had given up on trying to fight the tears, but she refused to let them get to the point that she couldn't talk. "They - they said it was m – my fault that she was raped. They told me I should have stopped him." She started breathing faster as the tears began to flow more heavily. "I was only five! I watched a man rape my sister at knifepoint and I was only five! Why'd they have to blame me?"

Olivia pulled Alex up against her and kissed her forehead. Alex buried her face in Olivia's chest and cried. "I don't know, honey," Olivia said softly. "But I promise you it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped him." She rubbed Alex's back and combed her fingers through her hair. This was so hard. Alex was in so much pain, and the only thing she could to was hold her and listen to her. She felt so inadequate, like there must be something more she could do. She prayed what she was doing was enough. She hugged Alex a little tighter. "You can do this Alex. You're doing so well."

"Y – y – you're s – s – st – st – still here, r – r – right?" Alex asked, still sobbing.

"Yes, a thousand times yes. I'm right here Alex. I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me. Let it out. You can do this. Let me help you."

Alex took several deep breaths to try to regain her composure before continuing. "Our parents made us promise not to tell anyone. I don't think they believed she was raped. They just thought she had gotten pregnant and wanted an excuse to keep mom and dad from blaming her. It didn't work. They still blamed her for getting pregnant.

"She cried when they told her that she couldn't have a sweet sixteen party. They told her she was too fat and they didn't want people to talk. They didn't want people to know that their daughter was pregnant. Two weeks later, I was told that I couldn't have a sixth birthday party for the same reasons. God they were so concerned with public opinion. Coming from money really isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me," she laughed nervously. "Two months to the day after I turned six, Jess was born. God she was so beautiful. She looked just like my sister – still does actually. Anyway, Alex died in a car accident three months later. A drunk driver ran a red light. I always believed Jess had died with her.

"Things at home continued like normal for the next seven years. My parents still blamed me for her pregnancy, and made sure to remind me every single time we went to visit the graves. Deep down, I knew it wasn't my fault, but a kid can only hear those things so many times before she starts to believe them.

"Anyway, six years later, my sister's rapist stayed true to his word. He came for me. Only after six years, he was ready to do more than just rape me. A lot more…" her voice trailed off.

"You're doing great, Alex." Olivia said softly, rubbing her fingers through Alex's hair. "You're almost there. You can do this, I know you can."

She nodded. "He must have had the code for our alarm system because he got into the house without it going off. He…he was so fast. He came into my room and knocked me out – hit me over the head with something. When I came to I was…I was naked. I was in my bed. my wrists were duct taped to the headboard. I heard him pulling off more duct tape and he wrapped it around my one ankle, then taped it to the foot post. Then he did the same to my other ankle. My legs were – they were spread wide for him.

"I heard him laughing and tried to scream, but he put duct tape over my mouth. I tried to struggle but he had me strapped down so tight I could barely move. He walked over and told me we were going to have a fun night.

"The first thing he did was pull out his knife. He told me he was going to make me ugly. He started cutting me. Each cut was small, but it was deep. I'm pretty sure every single one of the twenty-four cuts he gave me needed stitches. Every time he pulled the knife out of me I was sure he was done, but he just kept going. Finally he stopped. He pulled his pants down and – and raped me. He wasn't rough, but it still hurt. I was a virgin.

"When he pulled out of me and zipped up his pants, I thought my hell was over. I was wrong. He lit up a cigarette, then put it out on my stomach. God the knife was nothing compared to that cigarette." She took a few deep breaths. She could feel herself breaking down, but she refused to let that happen, not when she was so close to finally talking to someone about what happened. "He burned me thirty times. Thirty fucking cigarette burns. I don't know if I passed out from the pain or not, but I remember writing in the restraints and screaming through the duct tape as he burned me. When he was done burning me, he raped me again, only this time he kept telling me I was an ugly, worthless whore.

"When he was done raping me the second time, he smiled and looked me in the eyes. He told me that he was going to remove the tape from my mouth and if I screamed he'd burn me again. I stayed quiet. He told me I had to say 'I'm an ugly, worthless whore,' while he…while he…sucked me. he told me if I didn't obey, he'd punish me even worse than he'd already punished me. The pain he had inflicted was unbearable. I did the only thing I could think of to do. I begged him to stop hurting me, promised that I'd be good if he would just stop burning me and cutting me. As soon as his tongue was…inside me, I started saying it, over, and over, and over. I stared up at the ceiling the whole time, wishing I could be anywhere else. I remember wanting to drift away, mentally go someplace else, but I knew I couldn't. I knew I had to stay in the moment, obey him, do exactly what he said. If I lost it then, my hell would only get worse.

"After what seemed like forever, he pulled his tongue out of me. He smiled, thanked me, and kissed my cheek. Then he gathered his things and left. He left me there, naked, unable to move, and in more pain than you could ever imagine.

"she paused for a second, but knew she had to finish. She didn't want to give Olivia the chance to say something just yet. She knew that if that happened, she would break down. She would lose it completely, and she wasn't ready to do that yet.

"My parents found me and took me to the hospital. They must have paid those doctors a hell of a lot of money because nobody ever found out about what happened to me. I checked. I looked through medical records and online for news information. Nobody knew. Sarah Alexandra Cabot had never been admitted to the hospital for injuries like mine. I guess they used a different name on my charts or something. They were so desperate to keep this a secret. They, once again, refused to let anybody know what happened. They told me to keep quiet about it and I did. Besides, who the hell was going to believe me? then they really made me focus on school, more than they usually did. They told me that I was going to have to be self – sufficient. I was always going to be alone because I was ugly. Nobody would ever love something as ugly as me. God they blamed me for my sister's pregnancy and told me I was too ugly to be loved. As soon as I turned eighteen I changed my name. I had to start over. Sarah…she was strong. She made it through so much, but I needed to be stronger. Alex was always so strong. I…I wanted to make her proud. I took her name because…she was so strong. I – I wanted her to be proud of me. I w – wanted to m – make her p – proud."

Alex finally let go and released the flood of tears that had been threatening to fall for so long. Olivia held her and gently rubbed her back. "She is proud. Your sister would be so proud of what you've done." She kissed the back of her head and smiled warmly. "You did it, Alex. You told your story. You did it. I am so proud of you. I love you so much. You are beautiful. I hope to God that you see that one day."

Alex continued to cry in Olivia's arms. As the minutes passed, Olivia started singing as she rocked her gently. It was one of her favorite songs, and she hoped it would send the message to Alex better than she could say in words.

You're the bravest of hearts,  
You're the strongest of souls  
You're my light in the dark,  
You're the place I call home  
You can say it's all right,  
But I know that you're  
Breaking up inside,  
I see it in your eyes  
Even you face the night  
Afraid and alone.

When the storm rises up,  
When the shadows descend  
Every beat of my heart,  
Every day without end  
Every second I live,  
That's the promise I make  
Baby that's what I'll give  
If that's what it takes  
If that's what it takes.

You can sleep in my arms,  
You don't have to explain  
When your heart's crying out,  
Baby whisper my name  
'Cause I've reached out for you  
When the thunder is crashing up above,  
You've given me your love  
When your smile is like the sun  
That shines through the pain  
That's why I'll be there.

When the storm rises up,  
When the shadows descend  
Every beat of my heart,  
Every day without end  
I will stand like a rock,  
I will bend till I break  
Till there's no more to give,  
If that's what it takes  
I will risk everything,  
I will fight, I will bleed  
I will lay down my life,  
If that's what you need  
Every second I live,  
That's the promise I make Baby, that's what I'll give  
If that's what it takes.

Through the wind and the rain,  
Through the smoke and the fire  
When the fear rises up,  
When the wave's even higher  
I will lay down my heart,  
My body, my soul  
I will hold on all night  
And never let go  
Every second I live,  
That's the promise I make  
Baby that's what I'll give,  
If that's what it takes.

They spent the next few minutes in silence. The only sounds were when Alex occasionally let out a sob. She was trying so hard to cry silently, even though Olivia repeatedly told her to just let it out. She felt Olivia's hand on her shoulder, rubbing gently. She heard the song, listened to the words, and cried even harder. She was loved. Somebody had seen her, heard her story, and still loved her. She curled closer into Olivia and continued crying.

"I love you, and you are the most beautiful woman in the world," Olivia said softly when she saw that Alex had fallen asleep. She leaned slightly so she could reach a pillow and placed it in her lap. She gently eased Alex's head down onto it. She grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it across the two of them.

"We're going to beat this, Alex," Olivia promised as she rested her head on the armrest. "Together, we're going to beat this. I love you." She kissed the back of Alex's head and closed her eyes. Given the awkward position she was sitting in, she knew her back and neck were going to be screaming at her in the morning, but didn't care. She wasn't going to try to shift positions and risk waking Alex. She was sleeping so peacefully, and Olivia wasn't going to let anything disturb her. Besides, tonight wasn't about her. Tonight, it was all about Alex. She wrapped an arm around Alex, took her hand, and went to sleep.

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The song is "If that's What it Takes" by Celine Dion.

Please let me know what you think!


	15. Your pancakes are on fire

Disclaimer: Dick still owns 'em.

I think I'm getting bronchitis. Damn allergies. Always seems to happen this time of year. Anyways, I'm trying to update as much as possible. I know what I want to happen in the next few chapters, but every time I try to sit down and write it out, I either have no idea what to write, or I go off on a coughing fit that sends me straight to the couch in front of the TV. Hopefully my chicken soup and Nyquil will help and I'll be able to get some chapters out quickly.

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Casey sat in her office, trying to finish her paperwork. Looking at all the crime scene photos, and reading what Cynthia Zeller had said made her want to scream. She never could understand people's motives. Sure, the woman's husband had cheated on her and infected her with both gonorrhea and syphilis, but that certainly didn't give her the right to methodically seek out other cheaters and kill them. Just as she finished the last of it and packed up her things to leave, her phone rang. She checked her watch. One thirty. Who the hell was calling at this hour? She considered ignoring it, but realized that whoever was calling at this hour really needed to reach her. She answered.

"Novak."

"Casey, it's Cragen. Look, I need a huge favor."

"No, Don, I will not have sex with you," she said, hoping to send him the message that she was not in the mood to help him with something, especially at this hour.

He sighed angrily. "Casey –"

She really didn't want to argue with him. "Don, do you realize it's almost two in the morning?"

"Yet I caught you on your office phone," he said, knowing he'd caught her.

She sighed. She'd been caught. She never should have answered that damn phone. All she wanted to do spend some time with her husband. Was that too much to ask? "What do you need me to do?"

"I need you to meet Elliot over at Mercy. A girl was brought in with some serious injuries and we just got the call that she's also been raped. She won't say who did it, but we need to find out. See if we can get enough from her to get a warrant to search her house. Maybe then we can find something"

Casey almost laughed out loud. Was he serious? "Don, you want me to get a warrant to search a rape victim's home, just because she won't say who did it to her? What do you suppose I do, go up to her and say, 'Hello. I'm really sorry you were just raped and beaten, but I was wondering if I could maybe send a few officers over to tear your house apart to try to find who did this to you?' I won't do that Don."

He sighed angrily again. She was right. He knew that. There was no way they could get a warrant for something like that…wishful thinking, though. "Case, just go to the hospital. This girl knows who hurt her. We have to find him."

She rolled her eyes and resisted the urge to sigh annoyingly into the phone and rip into him. He was just doing his job. She was the one he was supposed to call at times like this. That was part of the job. She really had no right to be angry. Still, it bugged her. Why the hell couldn't the perverts just give it a rest for one night so she could spend some time with her husband? "Fine. Tell Elliot I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Casey."

She hung up without answering. What the hell was so goddamn important that she had to go to the hospital at two a.m.? This would be yet another night she spent away from Steve. It was a miracle that man still put up with her. She reluctantly called him, but got his voicemail. He was probably asleep by now. "Hey sweetie, it's me," she said as she climbed into her car. "Look, I'm really, really sorry but something's come up and I have to go to the hospital to talk to a rape victim. I don't think I'll make it home before you wake up. I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'm going to fix this. I love you." She hung up the phone and drove to the hospital, fighting the tears that she knew she couldn't let fall, not right now. She prayed that whatever had happened was more important than her marriage, because she was pretty sure this was going to be the end of it.

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Elliot paced nervously in the hallway, hoping Casey would arrive soon. This wasn't going to be an easy case, but he knew they would get the guy. He had been so close to getting her to tell him who hurt her, then she clammed up. He hoped that Casey would be able to get it out of her. Maybe she just needed to talk to a woman.

"Please tell me that I'm spending the night away from my husband for a good reason," Casey said as she approached Elliot. "And where's Olivia? Shouldn't she be here for this?"

Elliot looked up and saw a very angry Casey standing in front of him. "Hey," he said solemnly. "I think it's a good reason, but then again, I'm probably a little biased. A girl was brought in this morning with stab wounds. We got the call a few hours ago."

Casey shook her head in disbelief. Stab wounds? What the _hell_? Why was she being called to a case like this? "Why were you called so late?"

He sighed. "She was in surgery for hours. The guy stabbed her three times in the stomach. This was almost a murder, Case. It wasn't until after the surgery that they noticed the bruises. They did a rape kit but they didn't find anything, only that she'd been raped. She told me she knows who did it but she won't give me his name."

Casey sighed. Why did there have to be so much evil in the world. She nodded understandingly, realizing that this was probably more important than spending a few hours with Steve. She looked at Elliot, who seemed a little more upset than he usually was when he was given a new case. Something was up. "El," she asked worriedly. "Where's Liv? She should be here."

He took a deep breath and shook his head. "She…I called her after Don called me. Apparently Alex is having a pretty rough night and she's staying with her. She said we could call her if we really needed her, but she sounded like she wouldn't leave even if we did."

Casey closed her eyes sadly. Something was definitely going on. She knew she had to do something, but now wasn't the time. Now they had to worry about their rape victim. "Okay, well, lets get started." She followed Elliot down the hall and stopped at the door, peeking through the window. She gasped and looked over at him. "Elliot, she's –"

"Her name's Julia Winters. She's ten."

"Who's that woman in there with her? She's too old to be her mother."

"That's Beth Sheppard, her social worker. Julia's been in foster care since she was two. We're still trying to locate her foster parents, though we might have run into a bit of a problem there."

"What kind of problem?" Casey asked nervously. This girl had already been through hell. What more could happen?

"We think they may have used their last check to pay for a vacation to Hawaii. A neighbor said they hadn't seen them in three days, but Julia's been there the whole time. Social Services is trying to find a replacement home, but with what's just happened, that won't be easy. She already has attachment and trust issues. This isn't going to help things."

"Dammit," Casey said sadly. She pushed the door open and followed Elliot inside. He quickly asked Beth if she wanted to stay, but she said she had several phone calls to make and left. Casey wanted to slug the woman on her way out. She was supposed to protect this little girl. She resisted the urge and watched as Elliot sat down in the chair next to the bed and spoke gently to the little girl lying in it.

"Hi Julia. How are you feeling?"

"Okay I guess. I'm a little tired."

"Yeah, I bet. Look, I want to let you get some sleep, but first I want you to meet my friend Casey. Is that okay?"

Julia shrugged. "Okay."

"Good," he said, and motioned for Casey to come over. He smiled warmly when she took a seat on the foot of the bed. "Julia, this is Casey. She's a lawyer."

Julia extended her arm and shook Casey's hand. "I guess that means you're used to early morning wake-up calls like this."

"Excuse me?"

Julia half smiled. "It's two a.m. and you don't even look a little mad. That means you must be used to it."

Casey laughed. "Yeah, I guess I am." Her face turned more serious and she looked Julia in the eyes. She squeezed her hand. This was hard. How the hell did Olivia do this every day? She tried to smile and make Julia more comfortable. "Sweetie, I know this is really hard, but I need you to do something for me."

"You want me to tell you his name don't you?"

Casey nodded sadly. "If you tell me his name, I can make sure he goes to jail for a really long time. He won't be able to hurt you ever again."

Julia turned her head away and looked out the window. She let a few tears fall, but quickly wiped them away. Crying wasn't going to do her any good right now. She looked back at Casey. "It was Mr. Jennings. He lives three houses down from mine."

Casey closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. She smiled gratefully. "Thank you Julia. You just helped us so much." When Julia simply returned her gaze to the window, Casey frowned. "Can I get you anything? Do you want me to stay for a while?"

She shook her head, but didn't look away from the window. "No, you should go home. Beth's here. I'll be okay." When Casey didn't get up, Julia rolled her eyes. "Look, I'm not a little kid. I'm fine. Go home."

Before Casey could respond, Elliot grabbed her hand. "Come on, let's give Julia some time to sleep." He gently tugged her off the bed and led her into the hall. As soon as the door closed behind them, she crumbled to the floor in tears. Elliot sat down next to her and rubbed her back. "Case, what's wrong?"

"That girl is ten years old, Elliot!"

"I know, but you've seen girls even younger than her. Why are you so upset tonight?" He hadn't meant to make her sound like she was being unreasonable. On the contrary. He was really worried. It wasn't like her to just fall apart like this. Something was wrong.

She tried to stay calm. She knew Elliot was just concerned and trying to help. She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I was so furious that I had to come out here at two in the morning! Steve and I aren't really doing very well right now and it's completely my fault because I'm never there anymore. I just wanted to spend at least part of the night with him. I was so angry but when I saw Julia I felt bad for being angry, but at the same time I still wanted to be with Steve and –"

"Come on," Elliot interrupted gently as he slipped his arm around her and helped her up. "It's okay. Let me take you home. Talk to Steve. If he doesn't listen, I'll kick his ass."

She shook her head and smiled through her tears. "El, I drove here. I can't just leave my car."

"I took the train. You live two blocks from the station. I'll drive you and your car home, then hop on the train." He paused momentarily. "You look like hell Case and you're in no condition to drive anywhere. Let me help you."

"Fine." She pulled away from him and walked to her car. She handed him her keys and climbed into the passenger's seat. As he drove, she looked out the window, following all the passing lights with her eyes. She knew she was being horrible to Elliot, but right now she didn't care. "Thanks for the ride," she said when he parked the car and handed her the keys.

"No problem. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yep. See you later." She turned and walked up her front steps and into her house. She closed the door quietly, sank to the floor, and cried. She knew Steve was going to be angry, and he had every right to be. He always tried to be so understanding, but lately it was becoming harder and harder. She had been spending more time in the office than with him and she knew it was putting a strain on the marriage.

"Just let me get through this Julia Winters case," she begged to the silent house. "Then I'll talk to somebody about lessening my case load. I won't keep doing this to you, Steve. I promise. You don't deserve it." She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but she knew she had to do something. As much as her job meant to her, her husband meant more. Trying to take fewer cases wasn't going to look good on her record, but she just didn't care anymore. When she was first assigned to SVU, when they first expected her to fill Alexandra Cabot's shoes, she had been terrified. She had taken as many cases as she could, hoping to make it look like she was a good and dedicated lawyer. It had worked. Now, however, none of that mattered. All that mattered to her was saving her marriage. She loved Steve more than anybody else in this world, and she knew she couldn't live without him. She had to fix this. She just had to.

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Jess woke up and smiled when she realized Allen's hand was still around her. How the hell did he always manage to stay in that same position all night? "Practice," she joked silently to herself. "Maybe he's had a lot of practice." She gently pushed his arm off of her and climbed out of bed. Judging from the clear blue sky she saw outside, it was going to be a beautiful day. She smiled and walked out into the kitchen. She started pulling out everything she would need to make pancakes.

The sound of clattering pots and pans woke Allen up. He shot up out of bed in a panic, but then heard Jess cursing under her breath in the kitchen and laughed. That girl was too much. He pulled on a sweatshirt and made his way out to see what had happened.

"I just wanted to make a fucking batch of pancakes," she said as he walked into the kitchen and saw all the pots and pans on the floor. "Is that too much to ask? Of course it is. Thanks to Mister I'm – six – foot – three – of – course – we – can – put – the – pans – on – the – top – shelf,' I now have a huge mess to clean up. I blame you entirely and I'm not about to apologize for waking you up."

Allen laughed. He walked over to her and helped put everything away. "Don't blame me. Blame whoever built this place. They're the ones who decided we didn't need bottom cabinets."

"Yeah, well, I still think I should sue. I'm going to have a huge knot on my head from that damn frying pan."

"Honey," he said, kissing her forehead where she'd been hit. "You can't sue the builders because you're a klutz."

"Why not? That lady sued McDonalds because she spilled coffee in her lap. That's klutzy. I'm pretty sure we have a good case, especially if we photograph the scene."

"You mean the one that we just cleaned up?"

She looked sheepishly around at the now clean kitchen. "Yeah, well, we could just, you know…put them back on the floor, make it look like they'd just fallen out all over the place and –"

"Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Your pancakes are on fire."

She spun around and noticed that she had somehow managed to set the pancakes that were INSIDE the pan on fire. How the hell did that happen? "Shit!" she yelled. She quickly dumped a pot of water on them and extinguished the blaze. She looked up and saw that Allen was smiling. "Oh, shut up. This never would have happened if you hadn't distracted me with that suing them talk."

"Hey, you were the one that started it."

"Yeah, but you kept me going for a while. This is your fault."

He loved it when they joked around like this. These petty, joking arguments were always fun. "Whatever," he said as he rolled his eyes and laughed. "Bagel shop down the street?"

Jess looked at her ruined pancakes and sighed. "Bagel shop down the street. Let's go."

He wrapped his arm around her waist. "Let's go now. I'm hungry. I'll help you clean up later."

She just shrugged and followed him, making a mental note to blame him if they returned to find their kitchen full of ants.

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As she crawled into bed, Steve stirred. She tried to be quiet, tried to let him sleep. It was after five, and his alarm would be going off at six. She didn't want to wake him, but the damn bed they'd bought at the garage sale proved to be as cheap as they'd expected. It squeaked and shook with every move she made, and he woke up.

"Are you just now getting home?" he asked groggily. When he saw her tear stained face, he woke up completely. "Sweetie, are you okay? What happened?"

She brought her hands to her face and wept. Her shoulders heaved with her sobs and it only got worse when she felt him wrap his arms around her. Why the hell did he have to be so good to her? "I'm so sorry, Steve. I hate this. I'm going to fix it. I promise. I'm going to fix this."

He hugged her tighter. "What? Casey, what's wrong?"

She pulled away and looked angrily at him. "THIS!" she screamed. "I keep coming home later than anybody should be allowed to come home, and you're always there sleeping alone. I hate myself for this. I want to fall asleep next to you again! It's been so long since I've been able to do that and I know you're upset about it and I know it's my fault and I'm so sorry and –"

"Hey, sweetie, breathe," he said softly. "You're right. I hate that you come home late nearly every night, and I hate having to go to bed alone, but I understand. I married you knowing what I was getting myself into. Do I wish you were home more often? Of course, but what husband doesn't want to spend more time with his beautiful wife?" He kissed her forehead and gently rubbed her back, trying to ease her pain. "Casey, I love you. What's gotten you so worked up all of a sudden? What happened tonight?"

She rolled her eyes and rubbed the tears away. "Steve, you have to be at work in two hours. You need to go back to sleep. We can talk about this when you get home tonight."

"No, we can talk about this now. I can call in sick if I have to, I don't care. Something's obviously bugging you, so spill. What happened Casey?"

She shook her head, trying to process everything. She looked at him and sighed. "Elliot and Olivia found Lorena Bobbit. Olivia and Alex got back together, though something's going on with Alex. I don't know what, but I know that it's huge…and that it's not good. I was finishing my paperwork, all ready to come home and spend a little time with you, when I got a call to meet Elliot at the hospital because there's yet another rape victim there. I go in and hear she's been stabbed three times and nearly died in surgery. I look in the room and what do I find? A ten-year-old girl. She was fucking ten! She's been in foster care since she was two and nobody can find her foster parents. Elliot thinks they used their last check for a trip to Hawaii and left her alone. God Steve, I hate this! I felt so bad for being angry about having to go see her and it just…it all got to me."

"What time do you have to be in tomorrow…or this morning…whatever?"

She looked up at him, confused. "What? Why?"

"What time?"

"I'm due in court at eleven, why?"

"Because I'm going to call out of work today. We're going to take a long bath and then we're going to spend some time together. I've missed you lately."

"Steve, you can't –"

"I'm calling out of work and that's final. Now, go get your bath salts while I start filling the tub. I know how much you love the lavender ones and I can see that you need to relax."

She raised her eyebrows suspiciously. "You're going to take a bath with me…with lavender bath salts?"

He laughed. "Yep. Besides, I kind of like them, too."

She smiled and shook her head gratefully. She could tell that he was upset that she had come home so late, but she was glad he didn't show it. Right now, she just needed to relax. He could see that. She prayed she could figure out how to fix this. Their marriage used to be so good. Now she wasn't sure if it would last. _It has to last_, she thought as she gathered her things and met Steve in the bathroom._ It just has to._


	16. We've found our physical evidence

Disclaimer: Dick still owns 'em.

No more bronchitis, thankfully. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Bronchitis is evil.

I apologize for the last chapter…I know it doesn't really go with the story so far since it doesn't have Alex or Olivia, but I wanted to get some other characters in and that's the way my brain worked in getting them out. This chapter has lots of Alex and Olivia, I promise.

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Alex slowly opened her eyes and cursed the sunlight that was shining into the room, invading her sleep. _Go away_, she thought as she rubbed her eyes and finally forced them to open. She was about to curse the sunlight again when it hit her. She'd slept through the night. She couldn't remember a night when she hadn't woken up screaming or drenched in sweat or something. She rolled over and saw that Olivia was still sleeping. Her head was bent at a terribly awkward angle. "You should have woken me," Alex said softly. She sat up and slowly guided Olivia's head down onto the armrest and pulled her legs up onto the couch so she was lying down. "You're going to be in so much pain when you wake up."

She made her way into the kitchen to make breakfast. She hadn't been to the store since two days before Jess had shown up at her office, so her options were limited. She opened the door to the fridge and pulled out the carton of eggs. The smell alone was enough to convince her not to open it. "Eeeuh," she grimaced "How long have those been sitting there?" She threw them out and searched the fridge for something edible. After turning both the fridge and the pantry inside out, Alex realized there wasn't anything to eat for breakfast. She rolled her eyes and made her way out to the living room to wake Olivia.

"Hey sleepy head, wake up," she said as she gently shook Olivia. The woman didn't even stir. Alex smiled. "Liv, wake up," she said louder. "You're going to be late for work!"

Olivia bolted upright and threw the blanket off her and onto the floor. Then she moaned in pain as she tried to move her head to the side. "Shit that's tight," she said, massaging her sore muscles. She winched as she once again tried to move her head. It didn't budge. She'd really done a number on it sleeping the way she'd slept.

"A little sore this morning, Detective?" Alex asked playfully as she climbed onto the back of the couch behind Olivia. "Let me get that for you."

Olivia felt Alex's hands on her neck and smiled. _Is she flirting with me_? _is she actually flirting with me_? She realized Alex was, indeed, flirting. She'd never seen this side of Alex before, but it excited her. Still, she wanted to be careful. Alex had revealed so much the previous night, and she was no doubt in a very vulnerable position. Olivia would kill herself before she took advantage of that. She smiled again and leaned back against Alex's knees. "Why thank you, Councilor. That's the spot."

Alex massaged Olivia's neck and shoulders for several minutes. Then she leaned down so her head was by Olivia's ear. She smiled. "Serves you right for falling asleep like that." She crawled off the back of the couch and took a seat next to Olivia. "You should have woken me. I saw the angle your neck was bent. I'm going to have to give you a hell of a lot of massages to make that go away."

Olivia laughed. "Well then massage away, Ms. Cabot. I quite enjoy your hands on the back of my neck." She smiled and met Alex's eyes. "Besides, you looked so peaceful. I would never want to awaken the love of my life from such a peaceful slumber." She took Alex's hand and her voice changed from playful and flirtatious to loving and concerned. "I will fall asleep like that forever if you need it. I don't care how much pain I wake up in. you're worth it."

Alex smiled and looked down to her lap. "Thanks for last night, Liv. I'm so sorry I fell apart on you like that."

"Hey," Olivia said softly as she squeezed Alex's hand. "I said no apologies. I meant it. It's okay to cry, Alex. It's okay to hurt." She smiled tried to convince Alex she didn't need to apologize. "Alex, you let me cry on your shoulder when my mother died. You promised not to tell anyone that I was upset, and you kept that promise. You told me it was okay to be upset that she died, despite the person she was. You told me it was okay to be upset even though she beat the shit out of me when she was drunk. You accepted me when I told you I almost killed her. You accepted me when I told you where I came from, who my father was. You were there for me. You were strong for me. Now it's my turn. Let me be strong for you."

Alex smiled sadly and tried to fight the tears. "Liv, you know me. I hate crying. I hate being weak. I can't let people see me like this. My whole life I've always had to be happy for my parents. They –"

"They only have power over you if you let them," Olivia interrupted. "Alex I know that they're your family and they will always be important to you, even if you don't want to admit that. My mother was the same way. I get it. I just want you to know that they're not your only family. You have me. You have Casey. Hell, you've got the whole damn squad. And now…you've got Jess, too. Crying doesn't make you weak. It helps you deal, which makes you stronger. You're a strong and beautiful woman, Alex. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot."

Alex closed her eyes and let a few tears fall. "God I love you," she said as she opened her eyes and smiled. "I love you. Thank you. Thank you for…for everything, for loving me despite everything."

"Alex, I fell in love with you the second I first saw you. I just wish I could have been here sooner. I hate that you were alone with this for so long. I hope now I can help you get through this. I just wish there was more I could do."

She sighed. "Believe me, you're helping more than you could possibly understand. I just hate feeling so needy."

"It's okay. I'm glad you felt you could trust me with this. I know it wasn't easy, and I am so proud of you. You're strong Alex, but you can't do this alone. Nobody could. That doesn't make you weak. It makes you human."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. She couldn't believe she had actually found someone who loved her for her – someone who loved her despite everything she'd been through. She knew Olivia was the one for her. _The One_. Was it too soon to ask her to move in? She turned to face her. She hesitated, then popped the question, praying she wasn't making the biggest mistake of her life. "Liv, I was just wondering…you know, my bedroom's pretty big, and the bed is pretty lonely at night. If you wanted, I mean, there's room here…if you wanted to…"

Olivia raised her eyebrows. She didn't want to take advantage of this situation. At the same time, she was pretty sure Alex was thinking clearly when she'd asked the question. "You want me to move in with you?"

"Only if you want to," Alex said nervously. "I mean, I want you to, but if you don't want to –"

"Alex," Olivia said sternly. "I want to. Believe me I want to move in, but is that what you really want? This is really sudden and I just want to make sure it's what you want."

"Liv, last night was the first night since I was raped that I actually slept through the night. I've always woken up from nightmares, then had to cry myself back to sleep. Last night that didn't happen. Last night I fell asleep in the arms of the person I love most in this world. I want that again…so, that being said, my answer is yes. I really want you to move in."

Olivia smiled. "Okay. Let's do this." She brushed Alex's hair out of her face and lightly kissed her forehead. She moved her head down so their foreheads were touching. "I love you. You're going to beat this. We're going to beat this."

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Casey didn't have any problem getting a search warrant for Robert Jennings house. Julia's id was enough for the judge to sign. Two days after Julia was brought into the hospital, Elliot, Munch, and Fin all went to the house while several other officers searched Julia's bedroom, though they were pretty sure they wouldn't find anything. All of the previous crimes had taken place in the victims' bedrooms, and not a shred of evidence had ever been found. Still, it was worth a shot.

Elliot tore through Jennings' bedroom while Munch and Fin checked out the rest of the house. Casey had told them to go nuts with the search. There were no limitations on the warrant. Everyone searching the house took no care in trying to keep it tidy. They threw pillows around and pulled books off shelves. They simply didn't care. They just wanted to find some kind of physical evidence to tie him to Julia's assault. Her word alone probably wouldn't be enough to get a conviction.

Just as they were ready to give up all hope of finding anything, Fin shouted from the den. Everyone rushed in to find him struggling to move a heavy chest across the floor. Elliot pushed with them and they found a loose floorboard. Elliot pried it up and smirked. They'd found their physical evidence.

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Casey was sitting in her office, waiting for Elliot to call her with information from the search, when there was a knock at her door. "Come in!" She shouted, and saw one of the new file clerks struggling with a large box.

"Sorry to bother you, but this just came for you, Mrs. Novak," the girl told her as she sat the box of files on Casey's desk. "They're all related to your Julia Winters case. This guy's one sick freak." She smiled sadly and left.

Casey looked at the box, afraid to open it. Who the hell was this Robert Jennings? Was she dealing with a serial rapist? "Great," she muttered as she reluctantly pulled the top off the box and saw at least twenty reports inside. "This is just what my marriage needs." She immediately regretted saying it. She closed her eyes and sighed. She'd made a promise to Julia that she was going to get this guy. She couldn't walk away now. Steve wasn't going to be happy, especially since she'd promised him she would spend more time away from the office. There was nothing she could do about that now. She had to pursue this case. If this guy had raped all these girls, there was no doubt in her mind that he would do it again. She grabbed the first file and flipped through it.

It was sick. After looking through seven files, Casey wanted to throw up. All the girls were between the ages of nine and fifteen. They were all raped and stabbed, and several had been burned with cigarettes. It took everything she had not to break down and cry. She grabbed her phone to call Elliot. She didn't care if he was in the middle of a search. She had to talk to him. He answered on the second ring.

"Stabler."

"Elliot, it's Casey. I think –"

"We've found our physical evidence. Casey, we've got a serial rapist on our hands."

She almost breathed a sigh of relief, but stopped herself. She didn't want to get too excited yet. "What? How do you know?"

He took a deep breath. "We found twenty-three pairs of underwear under one of the floorboards of his den. CSU ran a test and they're all positive for blood. The bastard wrote their names and the dates of their rapes in blood on their underwear. It's headed to the lab for DNA testing, but I'm pretty sure we just solved twenty-three cold rape cases."

She let herself have that sigh of relief. "El, I was just about to tell you Julia wasn't his first. A file clerk dropped off a box of cases a while ago. It's the same guy, El. All the pictures of the victims, the descriptions of what happened, it's him." She shook her head sadly, trying to absorb everything. "Get everything documented. Put a rush on that DNA testing. I have Jennings' arraignment in an hour. Even if we don't get the DNA in, the bloody underwear and Julia's id will be enough. He's not going anywhere until trial."

"Good work, Case."

"You're the ones that found the evidence. Just don't mess this up. We can't let him get off on a technicality."

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Elliot pulled out his phone and called Olivia. Even though she hadn't been present for anything related to this case, she was still his partner in the investigation and he had to fill her in on all the details. He hated to call her, especially since he knew something was going on with Alex, but he had to. She had to know what was happening.

"Benson," Olivia answered after three rings. She hated having to let go of Alex, especially after just agreeing to move in with her and promising her she would never leave her.

"Liv, it's Elliot. Do you have a minute?"

She looked at Alex, who in turn pushed her off the couch and motioned with her hands for Olivia to take the call. She smiled reluctantly and headed to Alex's bedroom so she could talk in private. "El, this better be important."

"Julia wasn't his first victim."

"What?"

"Jennings. He's had other victims, Liv, and a lot of them. We found twenty-three pairs of bloody underwear at his house. Each pair had a name and date written in blood. This guy's sick, Liv. Casey has a bunch of files she's sifting through, apparently all related to this one. She said they're all the same. All the girls were between nine and fifteen. All were stabbed and raped, and most were burned. All were told that he was going to make them ugly. Casey has his arraignment hearing in an hour. She's going to request remand without bail, and with the evidence we've just uncovered, there's no way she's not going to get that."

Olivia couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was Elliot serious? Stabbed. Burned. Raped. Told he was going to make them ugly. No. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be. She struggled to speak, and realized she couldn't. How could this happen? Didn't Alex already have enough to deal with? This was just going to make it even worse.

Elliot didn't like the silence coming from Olivia's end. As sick and twisted as this case had just become, they finally found evidence. They finally found _a lot_ of evidence. Olivia should have said something. "Liv, you okay?"

"I'll be right over," she said.

"Liv, you don't have to –"

"Elliot, I'll be there in a few minutes. This case just became top priority, I'm sure. Given all the victims and the amount of evidence, there's going to be a hell of a lot of paperwork and questioning and going over old evidence and…well you know the drill." She was suddenly filled with an anger she'd never felt before. She had to go to the station and personally work on this case. _I swear I'll kill the man if I see him._ She said to herself. She had to take part in this investigation. She wasn't about to sit on the sidelines and watch. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

They hung up and Olivia sighed as she went back out to the living room and joined Alex on the couch. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly as she took Alex's hand. "I'm so sorry to do this but they need me at the station. They just found a bunch of evidence and Casey's got several files we need to sift through and –"

"It's okay, Liv. This is your job. Go. You don't have to stay here and babysit me all day. Go put the bad guys away."

She nodded sadly. She gathered her things and stood to leave when she felt Alex's hand on her shoulder. She turned and felt Alex's lips on hers. That wasn't exactly the good-bye she expected, but the kiss was more than welcome. She frowned as Alex pulled away. "I'm sorry Al. I really am."

Alex shook her head and ushered Olivia out of the apartment. "Liv, it's your job. Don't put your entire life on hold just for me. Please, go do your job. I'll be fine." She pushed Olivia out and shut the door, then frowned. It was so stupid, but she didn't want to be alone. Olivia needed to get to the precinct. The case was obviously important, judging by Olivia's reaction to the phone call. Still, she didn't feel comfortable being alone at the moment. She grabbed her cell phone and began scrolling through the numbers. Casey was due in court soon. Olivia was on her way to help with the case. The only person she felt comfortable with that was left was Jess. She sighed again as she dialed the number, hating that she was so needy, hating that she had just recently told Jess to go home and now suddenly needed her again.

"Hello?"

"Jess, it's Alex."

Jess smiled, glad Alex had called her. It had been two days and she was getting a little worried. "Hey, how are you?"

"Really good actually."

"You sound good."

"I am." She paused. She hated this. "Hey, I uh, I have a favor to ask. You can say no if you need to, I won't be mad or anything. It's just…God I feel like an idiot for asking this but…well, Liv had to go to work because they just caught a huge case and now the apartment feels so empty and I know it's last minute but I was just wondering if you could possibly –"

"I'm on my way." Jess interrupted.

Alex swallowed and smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

"I told you to call me if you needed me. I meant it. I'll be there as soon as I can."

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"The people request remand your honor," Casey told the judge as she stared angrily at Jennings. "No bail. Mr. Jennings has unlimited financial assets and we believe he is a flight risk. Given the severity of the crimes, and the amount of evidence our detectives recently found, we believe that he is a danger to the community."

Judge Petrovsky frowned at Jennings. "Granted. Mr. Jennings will stay at Rikers until his trial. Case closed."

Casey returned to her office and decided to go through the rest of the files on her desk. If she was going to win this case, she had to know all the victims, know all the details of each attack. She opened the last file, which was labeled Jane Doe. The description of the injuries told her this case was much more severe than the others. The parents had refused to press charges and had insisted that the girl remain Jane Doe. The thirteen-year-old girl had been cut and burned dozens of times, yet she hadn't been stabbed. She flipped through all the pages of descriptions of the injuries and realized that the rape kit had been done secretly, without anyone's knowledge because the parents were trying to keep the information from getting out. This enraged her. What kind of parents wanted to just shove something like this under the carpet? What kind of parents wouldn't want to find who did this to their daughter? She flipped to one of the pictures of the girl's torso, and grimaced. The cuts were deep, and the burns were bad. She shoved the picture aside and picked up the next one. She almost threw up as she turned it over and saw the girl's face.

"Son of a bitch," she said as she put her hand over her face and stared at the picture. It was Alex. This was what was bothering Alex lately? She couldn't possibly know this guy was raping other girls. Nobody knew that until now. Casey closed her eyes and fought the tears. Alex had told Olivia. That had to be it. She shook her head as she gathered her things. She grabbed Alex's file. She was going to be the one to tell her. She wanted to let Alex know before the shit hit the fan. Once the media got wind of this case, it would be all over the news. Alex deserved to hear about it from a friend, not from a news program she accidentally turned to. She just prayed she was doing the right thing by bringing the file with her and telling Alex point blank that she knew. She didn't know any other way around it.

"I'm sorry, Alex," she said as she made her way to the apartment. "I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do. The media is going to have a field day with this, and I want you to find out from someone who loves you." She cursed herself for what she was about to do, but knew it was the only way. As she drove to Alex's, she let a few tears fall.


	17. A Trip to Queens

Disclaimer: Maybe Dick'll loan 'em to me.

And to the person who told me to get rid of Casey: I can't. I appreciate your review and I always want to make my readers happy, but I can't get rid of Casey. I love her too much. Yes I love Alex more (a LOT more), but Casey's good, too. I like her, maybe because she frequently reminds me of myself…

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Elliot was sent to Queens SVU to get information on one of Jennings' victims. He knew they had done a complete and thorough investigation, and that they weren't going to be happy about him dropping in on them, but he wanted to see the details. Jennings had been apprehended in his district, making him his suspect. Elliot wanted to make sure he had everything he needed to put this man away for life. He just hoped he wouldn't be thrown out of the Queens squad room before he had the chance to explain.

As soon as he walked in, he knew he wasn't welcome. The air suddenly took on an unpleasant, almost hostile feel, and he knew it was because of him. He was invading their turf, and he knew he would feel exactly the same way if it had been one of them walking into his squad room. None of that mattered now. All that mattered at this moment was the Jennings case, and any information he could acquire.

"Hey guys," he said defensively as they all angrily approached him. He felt like a small mouse entering a lion's den. They all looked ready to pounce at any second. "Sorry to barge in like this, but I need some information on one of your recent cases."

"This better be one hell of an important case, Stabler," one of the detectives said as he approached Elliot, looking like he was ready to take a swing.

"Cool it, Ruzzick," Elliot said, trying to remain calm. He didn't have time to fight them right now. "I'm trying to make sure our ADA can send a certain child rapist to jail for the rest of his life. I need to know who worked the Rachel Hower case."

"Why?"

Elliot was fuming. Why were they making this so difficult? Yes it was their precinct, but it was his damn case! He needed this information as quickly as possible. "Because we think we found the man who hurt her. We also have evidence to suggest that she wasn't his only victim. We think he had at least twenty – two others. The descriptions are all the same. Our ADA was successful in remanding him until we go to court, but we need as much information as we can get, and we want to make sure it's all correct. I want to make sure this guy never gets back out on the streets, and I will die before I let him get off on some technicality."

A shy, younger detective standing in the back of the room slowly stood up. "I'm John Samuels. My partner, Detective Rightler, and I worked the case, but we never got anywhere with it. You sure it's the same guy?"

Elliot sighed sadly. "Looks that way."

He nodded. "Then let's go. I want this to end quickly. I want to be there when they put that needle in his arm."

Elliot hesitated. "Needle? Look Samuels, I can see that you're relatively new to all this, but you should know that rape and attempted murder aren't death penalty cases. They sure as hell should be, but –"

"You mean you don't know?"

Elliot narrowed his eyebrows "Know what?"

He turned around to face Elliot and frowned. "The man who raped and stabbed Rachel Hower also raped and stabbed her sister. Rebecca didn't make it."

Elliot felt the color drain from his face. "We need to do this now. I want this girl's information and id yesterday. The quicker we finish this and get all the facts together, the quicker we can nail this bastard."

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Jess parked her car and quickly ran inside. She wasn't in nearly as much of a hurry as she had been the last time Alex had called her, but she still didn't want to keep her waiting. She even smiled a bit as she took the elevator up to Alex's floor. Alex had called her, needed her. Allen was the only other person to have ever done that before. It was nice to feel needed. It meant she was important to someone.

"You really didn't need to come over so quickly," Alex said sternly as she opened the door and ushered Jess inside. "You could have finished whatever it was that you were doing and then come over."

Jess laughed. "Yeah, sitting on my couch watching reruns of Full House and Gilmore Girls while pigging out on Oreos and potato chips is so much more important than coming over here." She smiled and shook her head. "Relax Alex. You didn't interrupt anything important. I'm glad you called."

Alex smiled gratefully. She had known when she called Jess that she would probably come over as quickly as she could, but she still felt bad. Jess had a life of her own, and she hated that she kept pulling her away from it. "Is Allen okay with you coming over again? I hate that I pulled you away from him like this."

Jess shrugged, "He's in Chicago. He left last night."

Alex detected a hint of sadness in Jess' voice, and prayed everything was okay between the two of them. "Chicago, huh? What's he doing there?"

Jess nodded. "Business. Some company saw some of our brochures and apparently wants us to make a twenty – five page booklet for them. Allen's out there now discussing all the logistics and finances and…well everything businessy. He should be home in two days." She paused and looked down to her lap. "I hope he's home in two days."

"Hey, cheer up," Alex said, now certain something was definitely wrong. "This sounds like good news. A huge company in Chicago is interested in your work, Jess! You must be pretty damn good at what you do." Alex noticed Jess smile sadly. Something wasn't right. Jess should be happy about this. Things like this didn't happen everyday. So why did Jess seem so upset about the opportunity of a lifetime? Alex put her hand on Jess' shoulder and prayed everything was okay with Allen. "Spill. What's wrong?"

Jess shook her head and tried to walk away, but Alex quickly grabbed her shoulder. Jess brought her arms up across her chest and squeezed as tightly as she could. She hung her head in defeat, desperately trying to hide from Alex. "Nothing," she lied. Why did Alex have to be so damned concerned? Why did she have to care so much? "I'm fine."

"Liar," Alex said firmly, yet lovingly.

"Look, just forget it, okay? I'm fine." She tried once again to pull free from Alex's grasp, but Alex refused to let go of her shoulder. She closed her eyes again and tried not to cry. Alex was going to break her if she didn't let go of her shoulder soon, and that was the last thing she wanted. Alex had called her – needed her – now wasn't the time to lose it.

Alex spun her around and hugged her. Jess tried to fight her off, tried to pull free from her grasp, but Alex wasn't letting to. "You're not fine, Jess," she said softly. "I've already told you once that you're a terrible liar. Don't make me tell you again. Talk to me, Jess. What's wrong?"

Jess let her head fall forward and rested it on Alex's shoulder as Alex gently rubbed her back. _Damn this woman is amazing,_ Jess thought. _I can't lose her._ She shook her head, annoyed that she was feeling the way she was. "This is going to sound so incredibly stupid, but…well, if he stays in Chicago longer than planned, he's going to miss my birthday. God I must sound like such a selfish little brat, but I really need him, Alex. I'm such an idiot. I begged him to go, urged him to go. I told him this was an opportunity we shouldn't miss. Now I just want him to come home. It's just that, well he always makes me feel so special on my birthday. He makes me excited for the next one. Growing up, I always hated them. My parents always just used them as an excuse to invite their favorite people over so they could climb up the political and social ladders. They spent nearly two million dollars on my thirteenth birthday party and invited almost three hundred people. I swear I only knew about twenty of them." She sighed sadly. "I was born into an incredibly wealthy family, I did my research. I know how much your family is worth. I was adopted into an even wealthier one. When my parents died, I inherited nearly forty – two million dollars. It took me months before I told Allen how much I was worth…" her voice trailed off.

Alex nodded and continued gently rubbing Jess' back and combing her fingers through her hair. She remembered the effect it had had on her when Olivia had done it, and she hoped it was doing the same for Jess. She knew what those "birthday" parties were like. People everywhere, watching your every move, waiting for you to make a mistake. One wrong move and your parents' lives were ruined forever. That was a hell of a lot of responsibility for a kid. She smiled. "So I guess you'd agree with me when I say that money doesn't always buy happiness."

Jess laughed as she wiped away a few tears. "It's about damn time I heard somebody else say that." She smiled, glad that Alex knew and understood where she was coming from. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about my family earlier. I don't exactly like to go around and profess to everyone how much I'm worth. I guess you know that growing up rich isn't always easy. People always wanted to be friends with me just because I had money. I've learned not to tell people until I know they liked me for me. it makes it hard as hell to make friends, but I'm tired of people only wanting me for my money."

Alex smiled. She had always had a hard time trusting people for those very same reasons. Living in New York, where everybody knew how much her family was worth, was difficult. She couldn't hide her wealth. She just had to trust people when they told her she was more important than her money. That didn't happen very often. Once people found out she was a Cabot, they usually befriended her because they were after something. "It's hard, growing up like that," she said understandingly. "But it really makes you appreciate those who love you for you." Alex told her. She thought about Olivia. _She really does love me for me. It's actually not the money she's after_. She smiled and relished in the fact that Olivia was in her life. "Look," she said to Jess, trying to change the subject. This wasn't supposed to be a day of tears and heartache. "What do you say we order some Chinese and waste away the day watching cheesy comedies?"

Jess smiled and wiped away a few more tears. "I think that sounds like a great idea. I was getting kind of lonely anyway. I'm really glad you called me."

Alex's eyes widened with concern. "Jess, you should have called me. I would have come right over." She hugged her again. _Damn I think I've given and received more hugs in the past two days than in my entire life_, she thought. "This relationship isn't a one way street, you know. You can call me, too. I know that I can depend on you – you've definitely proven that – but you can depend on me, too."

"Thank you," Jess said softly as a tear slid down her cheek. She went to wipe it away but Alex held her hand down, telling her to just let it fall. "I think I needed to hear that." She shook her head, trying to push out all the negative thoughts and remain positive. She wanted this to be a good day, one she spent with a new friend. "I'm sorry. Today should be fun. Let's order that Chinese."

"Sweet and sour chicken?" Alex asked, taking a guess at what Jess wanted.

"My favorite."

"Damn," Alex said as she picked up the phone to order. "You really are my sister's kid. It was her favorite, too."

There was a definite sadness in Alex's voice, and Jess could tell that she was trying desperately to hide it. What the hell had happened to Alex? She wanted to know so she could try to help, but she knew better than to pressure her into talking. She would talk when she was ready. She smiled. "Well your sister had good taste."

"Yeah," Alex said as she smiled sadly and ordered.

The food arrived quicker than Jess had expected. "Didn't you just call them like, twenty minutes ago?" she asked and laughed as she pulled two plates out of the cupboard. "It always takes at least an hour for Chinese to get to my place!"

Alex laughed. "Chinese is my comfort food," she confessed. "I'm an incredibly frequent customer. They're number three on my speed dial, behind Olivia and Casey, thought when I find the time to do it, they're moving to number four. You get spot number three. Anyways, yea, they love me there, so they always put my order in front."

Jess smiled when Alex told her she was putting her on speed dial. "Well, then, I'll have to get you to order for me. Let's eat, I'm starving!"

They sat on the couch with their plates in their laps. After going through Alex's entire DVD collection – well over two hundred choices – they had finally decided on "Robin Williams: Live on Broadway." They knew it wasn't exactly the cheesy comedy Alex had originally suggested, but it was definitely funny enough to put both women in a good mood. The jokes kept them laughing so much that they could barely keep their food in their mouths. Jess had even shot a good amount of water out her nose. She was glad to see Alex so happy and laughing so freely. Alex felt the same way about Jess, though neither of them said a word.

When the movie ended, Jess stood up and offered to do the dishes. After many arguments and counterarguments, Jess finally won. She grabbed Alex's dishes and headed off to the kitchen, leaving Alex to sit and relax on the couch. She quickly loaded the dishes into the dishwasher and wiped down the counters. She looked out into the living room and saw Alex, sitting on the couch and looking bored as hell. She cocked her head, "Do you have the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies? I know a pretty good recipe."

Alex smiled, glad for a distraction from her boredom. She had been afraid her mind would wander into a territory she didn't want to enter for the moment. "If I do, they'll all be in the cabinet above the sink. I actually think I might have everything, though I may be short on sugar. I like a lot of it in my coffee every morning."

"I'll check," Jess said as she turned to face the sink. She rolled her eyes as she looked up at the high cabinet. Images of falling pots and pans flashed into her mind. She laughed and opened the cabinet door. _What is this, the chocolate chip cookie cabinet?_ She wondered as she saw everything she needed. She pulled down the brown sugar, then the chocolate chips, the vanilla, and the granulated sugar. All that was left was the flour. It was in the back. She stood on her toes and reached as high as she could, but her fingers only grazed the edge of the bag. She rested her hand on the counter to give her leverage and jumped. She almost had it. She just needed to try one more time. She jumped again, grabbed the bag, and pulled on it. The sack of flour tipped over and fell on top of her, hitting her on the head and completely covering her with white powder. "Sonovabitch!" she muttered.

Alex looked up and started laughing hysterically. She walked over and shook her head. "You know, I'm a few inches taller than you. All you had to do was ask for help."

"What is it with you tall people and putting things on high shelves?"

"What?"

jess shook her head and tried to dust herself off. "Never mind." She brushed off as much flour as she could before deciding she desperately needed a shower. "I left my bag in my car, too," she mumbled jokingly.

"I'll give you a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Go take your shower. I'll sweep all this up."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Alex said, smirking. "This just made my day."

"Oh, shut up!" Jess said as she pulled a handful of flour from her hair and flung it at Alex. She jumped out of the way and ran to the bathroom before Alex had the chance to retaliate. When she opened the closet door, she smiled. Alex had kept it organized. She grabbed a towel and climbed into the shower, praying it didn't take her too long to wash all of the flour out of her hair.

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Casey pulled into the parking garage and turned off her car. She grabbed Alex's file, but she couldn't make herself get out of the car, not yet. She closed her eyes and let a few more tears fall. Alex didn't deserve this – nobody deserved this. Nobody deserved to go through the pain Alex had gone through. She knew that Alex didn't trust easily, and she hated that she knew something so personal before she was told. She hated that Alex was never going to be able to trust her so completely that she would tell her herself. In her mind she replayed those early days when Alex had first returned. She had been so scared that Alex would see her as a huge failure. To her surprise, Alex had seen things much differently.

_"So, I guess you're going to be my boss now," Casey said when Alex walked into her office. "Everybody's always talked so highly of you. You have some impossibly large shoes to fill, Ms. Cabot."_

_Alex laughed. This was awkward. She was talking to the woman who had replaced her, and she was now this woman's boss. Casey had originally told Alex she could have her old job back because of how much she obviously meant to everyone, but Alex refused. She had an even better job now. She knew it had taken everyone a long time to warm up to Casey Novak, but that had actually kind of made her happy. It meant they remembered her. Still, it wasn't Casey's fault that she was in the position she was in. Alex met Casey's nervous eyes. "Please, Casey, call me Alex. I may be your boss but we only have to be formal around clients and my boss. Besides, from what I've heard, you're doing a pretty damn good job around here."_

_Casey rolled her eyes and laughed. "Yeah, well, I doubt I'll ever be able to fill your shoes. It's okay though. You're good Miss – er – Alex, probably the best." She paused, hating that what she was about to say was going to sound more personal than she wanted to share, but also knowing that she wanted Alex to hear it. "It's going to be an honor working for you. Thanks for letting me keep my job."_

The two hadn't bonded immediately. It had actually taken several months before they ever met to talk about something other than work. When that had happened, however, the friendship grew quickly. They grew to love each other like sisters, and frequently found themselves joking about past cases and stupid criminals.

Casey wiped the tears from her eyes and climbed out of her car. It was now or never. "God, help me," she said as she took a deep breath and walked inside, praying she wasn't ruining one of the best friendships she'd ever had.

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Ohhhhh, the angst that is coming! T'will be more than you can possibly imagine.

I'm so cruel, but there is happiness ahead as well, I promise.


	18. You're not supposed to know

Disclaimer: Maybe Dick'll loan 'em to me.

Author's Note: I hope I'm not confusing people, but judging from a few recent reviews, I think I might be. To clear one major thing up: ALEX IS NOT JESS' MOM! If you go back and read chapter 14, you'll see that the guy didn't touch Alex when he first came and assaulted her sister. I hope this fixes any confusion, and if anyone has any suggestions on making it less confusing, let me know! I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. This is my first fic, after all :-)

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Alex was just starting to sweep up the flour in the kitchen when she heard a knock at the door. She rolled her eyes and looked up towards the bathroom, seeing a trail of white powder leading to the door. She shook her head and stood up to answer the door, hoping whoever it was wouldn't need to come inside.

"Casey, hey," Alex said softly as she opened the door. Casey's eyes were red and puffy and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. Alex quickly ushered her inside and put a loving hand on her back. "Case, what's wrong? What happened?" She asked worriedly, knowing that if Jess came out of the shower soon it would make things incredibly awkward, but not even caring at the moment. Casey was more important than a potentially awkward situation. Besides, it was about time the two of them sat down and talked about what had happened. If Jess walked out, then so be it.

She hugged the file to her chest, not wanting to reveal it._ Good-bye friendship,_ she thought to herself as Alex led her to the couch and they sat down. She was trying so hard not to cry, and Alex wasn't helping by rubbing her back. She shook her head and looked away. How was she supposed to do this? She couldn't. She had to change the subject. She had to find a way to explain her presence. She looked up and smiled at the trail of flour leading to the bathroom. "I guess I should ask you the same thing. What, did you get in a fight with your baking utensils again?"

"Casey, stop changing the subject. I'm a lawyer, too, you know. I can do it better than you. I've had more practice. Spill. What's wrong?"

She stood up to leave but Alex stopped her. She shook her head and wiped away a tear. "Alex, I can't. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Alex said gently as she hugged her. "I know we didn't exactly get along when I first came back to New York, but I'd like to think of us as friends now, good friends. You're one of the best I've ever had, Case. I hate to see you hurting. Talk to me. What happened?"

Casey hung her shoulders in defeat and sat back down on the couch. "You're going to hate me. What I'm about to tell you is going to kill whatever friendship we have and I am so, so sorry, but I can't think of another way to do it."

Alex wasn't sure what to say. What the hell was Casey so worked up about that she thought it was going to ruin their friendship? "Casey I'm not going to hate you," Alex said softly. "What is it that you need to tell me?"

_Aw hell, Case, just do it._ She thought. She sighed and looked Alex in the eyes. "Al, you know you're one of my best friends, right? You know I love you like a sister."

Alex shook her head in complete confusion. "Casey, I know. You know I feel the same way about you."

"And you know that nothing will change that, right? _Nothing_." Casey was on the verge of tears now, and dreading what she was about to tell Alex.

"Casey, please, tell me what's wrong." Alex urged worriedly. "What has gotten you so upset?"

She took a deep breath and frowned. "You know how Liv and Elliot just recently caught a huge break on an old case?" She waited for Alex to nod slowly before continuing. "Well, it turns out it was a break in about twenty-three cold rape cases, some of them going back as far as eighteen years. They're all the same: all the descriptions of the man, all the injuries, all the things that happened." She paused and took Alex's hand and squeezed it gently. _You are a beautiful, amazing woman, Alex,_ she thought. "A file clerk dropped off a box today containing all the files related to the case. I looked through all of them, knowing I had to know all the details if I was going to put this guy away for life." She pulled out the file and sat it in Alex's lap. "This was the last file I found." She closed her eyes and looked down to her lap, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I had to tell you like this, but once the media gets wind of this case it's going to be everywhere. I wanted you to find out from someone who loves you."

Alex slowly opened the file and gasped. _No! She can't know!_ She thought. "NO!" She screamed as she stood up and backed away. "You can't know! I didn't tell you! I only told Olivia! You're not supposed to know about this! Nobody's supposed to know! I only told Olivia!"

Casey stood slowly, ready to shoot herself for this. "I know Al, and she didn't tell anyone, I promise. I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry. I didn't know any other way –"

Alex felt herself crumbling to the floor in hysterics. "NO!" She screamed again. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" she screamed over and over again. Fear, anger, humiliation, and everything else quickly overcame her and she started shaking uncontrollably. This wasn't happening. Casey couldn't know. She wasn't ready for Casey to know. Her fear escalated as Casey hesitantly approached her. She had to keep Casey from getting any closer. She grabbed an ashtray off her coffee table. _Why the hell did I keep Max's ashtray?_ She wondered as she held it in her hands. She looked up. Casey was getting closer. She flung it hard, hitting Casey square in the side of the head.

The look of shock on Casey's face disappeared in an instant as she fell to the floor, unconscious. Alex rushed over to her and started screaming. "Casey? Oh, God, please wake up! Wake up Case! Please wake up!" She looked down and noticed a small trickle of blood seeping into her carpet. "No," she said. "No, God, no! Casey, WAKE UP! Please wake up!"

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Jess was just starting to dry off when she heard Alex's panicked screams coming from the living room. She quickly rubbed the towel over her, got dressed, and ran out to see what was wrong.

"Alex, what the hell happened?" Jess asked frantically as she rushed over and knelt down beside the unconscious woman. It was then that she realized it was Casey Novak. What the hell was she doing here? She closed her eyes and shook her head, knowing she didn't have time to think about the past. Right now she had to deal with the situation. She grabbed a sheet from the couch and held it to Casey's head, trying to stop the bleeding. _Head wounds bleed_, she thought, remembering an old health class from years before. _They're often not nearly as severe as they appear to be, but if the person is unconscious call 9-1-1 immediately._ She held the towel against Casey's head. She made a fist and rubbed Casey's chest hard. Casey stirred against the pain. That was a good sign.

"Get the phone," Jess said, not looking away from Casey. "Alex, get the phone!" she said again when she realized Alex hadn't moved.

She quickly stood and ran into the kitchen to grab the cordless phone. As soon as she handed it to Jess she started crying. "Oh, God did I kill her? Casey, wake up! You have to wake up! I'm so sorry!"

Before Jess could call the ambulance, she had to know what happened. She looked to her left and saw an ashtray, and figured it out. She nodded at Alex. "She stirred when I put pressure on her chest. That's a really good sign. I have to keep this pressure on her head and see if I can wake her up. Do you think you can call 9-1-1?"

Alex nodded and took the phone back. She quickly dialed the number, fighting the panic that was overwhelming her. She put the phone up to her ear and tried to keep her shaking under control until she was sure an ambulance was on the way.

Jess turned her attention back to a now almost semi-conscious Casey. Every now and then her eyes would flutter, but she didn't move. Jess continued rubbing her chest, hoping the pain would bring her back to consciousness. Finally, after what seemed like forever, it worked. _Thank God I paid attention in First Aid class_, Jess thought as Casey's eyes fluttered open and she moaned in pain. Jess smiled. "Welcome back, Case." She shifted her position so Casey's head was better aligned. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now but you've gotta stay awake. The ambulance is on its way. Stay with me, Case."

Casey's eyes fluttered several times as she tried to fight the overwhelming desire to just keep them closed. _What the hell is Jessica Matthews doing in Alex's apartment_? "A…Alex?" she muttered quietly, the pain in her head more intense than anything she had ever experienced.

Alex wiped away her tears and took Casey's hand. "I'm right here, Case. I'm so sorry."

"I'm supposed to be the softball player, remember? You've got one hell of an arm, Al, do you know that?"

The three women smiled at Casey's remark. Casey returned her gaze to the ceiling and Jess realized she was starting to drift back to sleep. She rubbed her fist again on Casey's chest and spoke sternly. "Casey stay awake. Tell us about your favorite candy. Do you like chocolate?"

_Why is Jessica Matthews asking me about chocolate?_ Casey wondered. "I…I love…Crunch bars." She said, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in her head. "I like the crispies they have."

"Good. Good, Casey, keep talking." Jess urged.

_No!_ Casey wanted to scream._ I just want to go back to sleep. Why won't you let me go back to sleep?_ Still, she knew the basics of first aid. She knew she had to stay awake as long as she could. "I really like…gummy bears. I think they're cute. Sometimes I like to bite their heads off and leave their bodies for later."

"A little gruesome there, isn't it Case?" Alex asked, smiling through her tears.

"Well she's the one who asked the question!" Casey retorted.

Just then there was a knock at the door and several EMTs rushed in. Alex looked up, terror in her eyes, as she tried to explain what had happened. "I hit her! I didn't mean to! I just…oh, God please let her be okay! I hit her with an ashtray!"

The EMTs looked surprised at Alex's panic, but quickly attended to Casey. Once she was on a gurney and headed down into the hall, one of them turned to Jess. "Are we going to have to call the police? Is she going to want to fill out a domestic violence report or anything?"

Jess wrapped an arm gently around Alex and turned to face the EMT. "No, this wasn't a domestic violence case. It's okay. Just get Casey to the hospital. I'll make sure Alex is okay and we'll meet her up there."

He hesitated, not really believing what he was hearing. Couples fought all the time, and he would be damned if he let people get away with abuse. Still, the two women before him looked so genuinely concerned and upset that he figured it had all been a misunderstanding. He nodded and headed out the door.

"Alex, what happened?" Jess asked once the door was shut and they were alone.

Jess' voice was full of concern. Alex realized there wasn't even a hint of an accusatory tone in it. Jess wasn't angry – she was worried. She felt Jess's arms wrap around her and she hung her head on her shoulder, her entire body heaving with her sobs. "She knows, Jess. She knows everything!"

"What?" Jess started to ask, and then realized what Alex must be talking about. She saw a manila folder on Alex's couch and realized what the contents inside it must be. She nodded and gently rubbed Alex's back. _Why the hell had Casey approached Alex this way? And all of a sudden, too? What the hell had possessed Casey to come over like this, completely unannounced?_

"She was just trying to protect me!" Alex sobbed. She shook her head. "When I called you last night because Olivia left to work on a case, I didn't know what case. I – the guy who – the man who raped me didn't just rape me!" Her sobs intensified. "She wanted to tell me before I saw it on the news! She was just trying to protect me, Jess…and I – I hit her! Oh God, what have I done?"

Jess took a deep breath and hugged her. "You panicked, Al, it's okay. There's no way you could have been prepared for something like this and you just panicked." She brushed the hair out of Alex's face and smiled lovingly. "Casey's going to be fine." Jess hesitated. "Look, I know this is really difficult, knowing that she knows, but think of it this way. She brought the file straight over to you after she found it. She came over and gave it to you, letting you know that she knows, rather than waiting for you to hear about it on the evening news. That shows how much she respects and cares about you." Jess took Alex's hand and squeezed. This was so unfair, and there was nothing she could do to take away Alex's pain.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, as she leaned her head onto Jess' shoulder. She felt Jess gently rubbing her back and took comfort in the fact that Jess was so supportive and loving. She couldn't believe Casey knew her secret. After she had told Olivia, and realized how caring and loving a woman she really was, she knew she would eventually tell Casey. She had just wanted to do it in her own time, at her own speed. This was happening too quickly. What gave Casey the right to just show up at her apartment with that file and confess to her that she knew everything? _The media's going to get wind of this_, Alex thought. _And they're going to go crazy. This story is going to be all over the place in a matter of days. Casey wanted to tell me. She knew how upset I would be if I saw it on the evening news and later found out she already knew._ She looked up at Jess. "I have to get to the hospital. I have to tell her I'm sorry."

Jess nodded. "I'll take you. Come on." She wrapped her arm around Alex's waist and supported her until they got to the car. As she pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street, she noticed Alex was looking out the window, tears pouring down her cheeks. She took Alex's hand and squeezed. When Alex didn't respond, she said, "Hey, it's going to be okay. Casey's going to be fine, and she's still going to care about you."

Alex shook her head slightly. "Everybody's going to know. Everybody's going to know. I'm going to be kicked out of the family. They're going to disown me for this. It'll be such a Goddamn embarrassment for them that they'll want nothing to do with me. I can't do this, Jess. I can't deal with this if everybody in the whole damn nation knows."

Jess felt her own eyes water, and even ignored the fact that a few tears fell down her cheeks. How was she supposed to help her? What kind of people raised this woman? What kind of people would shun her and disown her because of something that was beyond her control? She squeezed Alex's hand again. "We're family, too, remember? I'm not going to throw you out."

It was simple, but Jess' remark made her cry even harder. She squeezed Jess' hand as she took several deep breaths, trying not to lose it completely. This was happening too quickly. She couldn't deal with it. She couldn't fight the tears any longer. She pulled her hands to her face and sobbed as she leaned forward against the dashboard.

Jess glanced over at Alex's heaving body and gently rubbed her hand along her back. She would have done anything to take this woman's pain away. She continued rubbing Alex's back for the duration of the drive to the hospital, knowing herself that Alex had the strength to beat this; but praying Alex knew that.

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His cell phone was ringing, but he didn't feel like answering it. He was in the middle of a huge stack of paperwork and he would be damned if something prevented him from completing it today. Casey had promised to get off work early, and he was determined to do the same. Still, the phone kept ringing. Whoever was calling wasn't giving up. He finally answered it.

"Steve Novak."

"Mr. Novak, this is Dr. Russo from Mercy. We just brought your wife in here. She sustained a head injury –"

He dropped his pen as his eyes widened in fright. "What! What happened? Is she okay?"

"Sir, your wife is fine. She got into a little scuffle with a friend of hers and was hit in the head with an ashtray. She had a mild concussion and a cut that required six stitches. We want to keep her overnight for observation, but she's going to be just fine."

"Okay, well please tell her that I'm on my way. Tell her I'll be there soon."

"I will."

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Jess quickly parked the car and helped Alex out. They walked into the hospital together and rushed up to the desk. "I'm DA Alexandra Cabot," Alex said hurriedly. "I'm here to see ADA Casey Novak. It's urgent. Can you tell me what room she's in?"

The receptionist frowned. "Are you family? Only family's allowed in right now."

Alex sighed angrily. "No, but this is about her case. I need to speak with her. It's urgent."

The receptionist's frown grew, but she allowed both Jess and Alex to visit Casey. They walked to her room and stopped at the door. Jess smiled weakly. "I think I'm probably the last person she wants to see. You should talk to her. I'll be right here waiting, I promise."

Alex nodded. "I'll explain what you were doing there. Hopefully she'll be okay with this. I want you two to like each other. I want the two of you to get along. I need her, Jess, but I need you too."

"Hey," Jess said softly. "You're not going to lose either one of us. Go talk to her, Alex. I promise this is all going to work out. I'll make sure of it."

Taking a deep breath, Alex nodded and went inside Casey's hospital room. She noticed that the woman was sleeping, and she didn't want to disturb her. She quietly pulled a chair from the corner and sat next to the bed, taking Casey's hand in hers. "I'm so sorry, Case. I freaked out. You were only trying to protect me, and I love you so much for that. I only hope you can forgive me."

"I'm not mad at you," Casey muttered weakly.

Alex sat up and smiled through her tears. She squeezed Casey's hand. "Hey, I thought you were asleep. I didn't wake you did I? If I did, I'll leave. I know you need to get some rest."

Casey tried to smile. "You didn't wake me. It's okay."

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I've just been hit over the head with a large, heavy ashtray." Casey said and smiled.

"Casey, stop," Alex said, wiping away a tear. "This isn't a time to make jokes. I feel so bad about this. I am so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

"It's okay Alex. You don't have to apologize. I should be the one to apologize. I'm so sorry I did what I did. I know there must have been a better way to tell you I knew, but the story was going to get out soon and I didn't want to wait. I'm so sorry I hurt you, Alex. I really am."

Alex squeezed Casey's hand and brushed her hair out of her face. "Don't be. I'm actually kind of glad you know. Granted, I wish you had found out from me rather than a file clerk, but…I'm glad you know."

Casey smiled and scooted over to the edge of the bed. She patted the empty space, inviting Alex to sit with her. Alex reluctantly obeyed. She pulled Alex against her and wrapped her arms around her. "I still love you, Alex. This changes nothing. I am so beyond astounded at how much you've accomplished in your life, all the while trying to pretend this never happened. You are one incredibly strong person." She smiled and pulled Alex's head up so their eyes met. "I just have one question."

"What?" Alex asked, her eyes red with tears.

"Why was that girl in your apartment? How the hell do you know Jessica Matthews?"

Alex took a deep breath. At least there was something she could tell Casey on her own, something Casey wouldn't find in that file. "Case, I had a sister who was raped by the same man who…who raped me. Oddly enough, we both ended up pregnant. My daughter was stillborn, she was almost nine weeks early. My sister's baby, however, was born right on time. My sister died in a car accident three months later, and I always thought her baby died, too, but a few days ago, she showed up at my office. She's my niece, Casey. I love her to death. She told me about what happened between you two."

"And you still love her?" Casey asked. She wanted to be angry, but she couldn't find any anger in her system. Maybe she should have given Jess a chance to explain, no matter how much pain she had been in at that day.

"Yea, I do. Casey, talk to her, please. I can't lose her. She's a part of my life now, a very important part of my life. You are, too. I can't lose either one of you, and I would hate if two of my best friends couldn't get along. She has a side, too, Case. It may not be a very good one, but it explains a lot. Please, just give her a chance. Please?"

Casey thought for a minute. Alex was by far more important to her than some girl she had fought with years ago. She took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay, I'll talk to her, but I'm not making any promises. What she did hurt Alex. It hurt a lot."

Alex squeezed Casey's hand. "I know, Case, and I told her that there was a good chance you wouldn't forgive her right away. She didn't even seem to want that. She knew you were going to need time to process it. She's a good person, Case. She really is."

"I hope so. I'll talk to her. Not now though. Right now I just want to let this morphine kick in and sleep. I'll talk to her later Al, I promise."

"Thanks, Case. Get some rest."

"Stay till I fall asleep?" Casey asked. It was stupid, but hospitals scared her. She was sure Steve had been notified and would arrive soon, but for the time being, she didn't want to be alone.

"Absolutely."

"I'll talk to Jess when I wake up."

"There's no rush. Talk to her when you're ready."

"I am ready."

Alex nodded. "Get some rest, Case. I'm so sorry about that ashtray."

"Don't be. Good night."

"Good night."


	19. Truce

Disclaimer: They belong to Dick Wolf, but if he ever wants to get rid of them, I'll adopt them into a good home.

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She hated hospitals. She really, _really_ hated hospitals. Every time a case brought them into one, she flinched. All the death, all the pain, all the suffering. She just hated it. Still, Jess had called in a slight panic, saying something about Alex screaming and Casey getting hit in the head with an ashtray and an ambulance and stitches and, well after that Olivia stopped paying attention to the voicemail and left for the hospital. She found Jess sitting nervously in the waiting room. "Jess, what happened?" she asked as she rushed over.

Jess looked up and saw Olivia running towards her. She had to smile. She hadn't meant to sound so upset over the phone, but judging by the look in Olivia's eyes, she knew she had made the situation sound a lot worse than it really was. She smiled reassuringly. "Alex hit Casey in the head with an ashtray," she smirked. "Your girlfriend's got one hell of an arm – gave Casey six stitches and a good little concussion."

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. This wasn't a time for jokes. This was serious. "Jess, what happened?" She asked again, this time with more urgency in her voice. "Why'd Alex hit her?"

Jess looked away and sighed. She knew she'd made a mistake by joking right now, but she was so nervous and upset that she couldn't help it. Nervous energy usually made her pretty stupid, and this situation proved to be no exception. This was so unfair. Nobody deserved to go through what Alex had gone through, and now it was only going to get worse. _At least the pervert will go to jail now,_ she thought as she turned back to face Olivia. The woman's eyes were filled with the same love and concern that Jess had seen when they first met. She sighed. "I don't know all the details," she said softly. "I was over at Alex's taking a shower after a baking mishap. I was drying off when I heard Alex screaming. I finished as quickly as I could and rushed out, only to find Casey unconscious on the floor. I saw the astray next to her and figured it out. From what Alex was able to tell me before we got here, Casey knows everything. I think she found Alex's old file or something, but she showed up and apparently the guy who raped Alex didn't just rape her. She told me she freaked when Casey handed her the file."

"Casey just showed up, unannounced, and dropped this on her?" Olivia asked angrily. "What the hell was she thinking?" She started to storm off down the hall to rip into Casey when she felt Jess grab her shoulder. "Let go of me," she said, seething as she tried to pull free.

"Wait," Jess pleaded. "Alex is in there right now and the two of them need to talk about this. I'm sure Casey had her reasons for bringing the case over to her. Apparently this is going to make the news, Alex mentioned it being the case you got called away for earlier, and I think Casey just wanted to tell Alex herself. My guess is that Casey wanted Alex to find out from her, not from the evening news."

Olivia nodded as she sat down next to Jess. Jess was right. Maybe it had been wrong of Casey to come over and drop everything on Alex all of a sudden, but the more she thought about it, the more Olivia realized that Casey had done exactly the right thing. It would have killed Alex if she saw the story on the evening news and later found out everybody already knew. She smiled. "Casey's a great friend, to both of us," she said after several minutes. "It's too bad the two of you met under these circumstances."

Jess stiffened in her chair. _Alex didn't tell her_, she thought. Alex had kept that conversation between the two of them. Talk about trustworthy. Jess turned to Olivia and tried to smile, but realized it was impossible and gave up. If she had any hope of keeping Alex in her life, she was going to have to be on good terms with her friends, and, most importantly, her girlfriend. She sighed. "Liv, Casey and I already know each other."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows. She could tell by the sound of Jess' voice that something wasn't quite right. She remembered Alex mentioning something about Jess being a horrible liar and smiled. "Spill Jess. What happened between you two?"

She almost laughed. Alex and Olivia had both said the same thing. She shook her head. "I made a huge mistake my freshman year of college," she started, and told Olivia everything that had happened all those years ago. She told her about graduating early, about Casey not wanting to buy the alcohol, and about Brian. She told her about Casey's relationship with Brian, about how Brian had then told her that he was only interested in Casey for the sex, and about how Brian had abused his previous girlfriends. Then she told her about how she'd played the tape at the baseball for hundreds of students to hear, and how Casey had run off in tears and switched schools.

Had Jess not collapsed into tears and thrown her hands over her face in an attempt to hide them, Olivia would have been tempted to ask her what the hell she had been thinking when she pulled that stunt. Instead, she wrapped an arm around her and gently rubbed her back. "Why?" She asked softly. "What happened that you felt you needed to do that?"

Jess was already feeling guilty, and Olivia's questions didn't exactly do anything to help assuage that guilt. If anything, they only made it worse. Still, she owed Olivia an explanation. She knew Casey was a good friend of Olivia's, and Olivia deserved to know the truth about what had happened. She didn't want to come off as defensive, but Olivia needed to hear the why. "My parents never told me they were proud of me. They were racist and found out Casey once dated a black guy. They told me if I humiliated her, they'd be proud. I knew it was wrong, and I felt so terrible for doing it, but at that time I needed their approval. I was already a good two years younger than everyone, Casey had said something that got under my skin, and I knew Brian wasn't a good guy." Jess took a deep breath. The guilt was almost overwhelming. "I just wanted to make things right with my parents and keep that guy from hurting Casey."

Jess once again collapsed into tears as Olivia hesitantly put an arm around her. For a quick second, Olivia wanted to kick the crap out of this girl for what she had done to Casey, but then she smiled. Jess had seemed so perfect from the moment they met, like she could do no wrong. _So she really is human after all,_ she thought. "Hey, look," she said gently. "I know you feel bad about what you did. It was wrong, but I think I can understand why you did it." She took a deep breath. "I was always a huge disappointment for my mother. She was drunk more often than she was sober, and I usually managed to get in her way several times a day…"

As Olivia's voice trailed off, Jess wondered if there was more to Olivia's story than what she was saying, but she didn't ask. "It's amazing how cruel some parents can be, isn't it?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, it is. But it's also amazing how great their kids can turn out to be. Alex had horrible parents, and she turned out to be nothing like them. It sounds like your parents weren't the greatest, yet you turned out pretty damn well, too."

Jess nodded. She desperately wanted to talk to Casey, to explain everything. She could tell how much everyone she had met so far in Alex's life cared about each other. They were like a big family, and she yearned to be a part of it. She had always been jealous of other families that stood by each other and loved each other. Now she had an opportunity to be part of one. She was going to try her best to right all the wrongs of her past. She just hoped Casey would forgive her.

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Casey slowly opened her eyes and cursed the throbbing pain. She pushed the button on her morphine drip and prayed it would take effect soon. As she looked down, she smiled. Alex had fallen asleep next to her. She brushed some of the hair out of the woman's face and tried not to cry. "You're the bravest woman I know, Alex. I'm so sorry this is all happening to you and I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. All I can say is that I am going to do everything in my power to make sure this man never sees the light of day again."

"Just make sure you don't lose your job doing it," Alex muttered and smiled as she looked up to meet Casey's eyes. She hadn't actually fallen asleep. Her emotions had been running wild and sleep was the furthest thing from her mind. "How solid is your case?"

"Rock solid. I won't lose this one, Alex. I won't."

Alex looked back down and closed her eyes. The reality of the situation was finally hitting her. She could feel herself on the verge of tears again. _How many times am I going to fucking cry today,_ she asked herself. "My sister never filed a report – my parents wouldn't let her. She never even went to the hospital." Alex paused. Casey had mentioned that this guy had been linked to twenty – three cold rape cases. Her insides churned. "Case, was I his first? Were all those girls raped after I was?"

Casey knew where Alex was going with the question, and it killed her to answer it. "Yeah, Alex, you were…you were his first."

"So it's my fault."

"No," Casey said firmly. "You didn't rape those girls –"

"But I may as well have!" Alex screamed as she sat up and stared angrily at Casey. "If I had reported him, if I had told the doctors what the man looked like, maybe they could have caught him. I told them I never saw his face because the room was so dark but I lied! Dammit Casey this is all my fault!"

"Alex, no," Casey said as she hugged her. "This isn't your fault. This man is a sick, sick individual who I swear I will kill if I meet him alone. Please Al, you've got enough on your plate right now. Don't blame yourself for something you couldn't control. You had no idea he was going to go after those girls. Alex, you had no support at home and I am so sorry you had to deal with this alone for so long, but you don't anymore. You had no one to talk to then, but you do now. It wasn't your fault, Al. it wasn't your fault."

Alex leaned into Casey and cried. She wanted so badly to believe Casey's words, but she couldn't convince herself that they were true. Those girls had been raped and tortured because she had been too damn afraid of her parents to say anything. This wasn't happening. She couldn't deal with it. She couldn't deal with Casey knowing like this. She was Casey's boss. How the hell was she supposed to keep a professional relationship in front of everyone if Casey knew? She wiped away her tears and went to stand up. "I can't fall apart on you like this, Case. I'm your boss. It's not fair to you."

"Stop," Casey said sternly and grabbed Alex's hand before she moved out of reach. "Yes, you're my boss, but you are first and foremost my friend. I still respect you, Alex. Hell, if anything, I respect you even more now. Don't hide behind our jobs, it's not fair to you. You're my friend, Alex, and I love you." She pulled Alex back on the bed next to her and squeezed her hand. She had no idea how the hell Alex had kept up that façade for so long, but she could see it was breaking now. Alex was falling, and she was going to do everything she could to catch her. Boss or not, she was still her friend.

"Thank you," Alex said softly after several minutes. "Thank you for telling me you knew. I think I would have killed you if I saw it on the evening news before hearing it from you. I appreciate it."

Casey smiled. "I think I would have had to kill myself if I'd let you see it on the evening news before hearing it from me." She met Alex's eyes. "Look, this case is huge, and I have no doubt that the media is going to get a hold of it, but I promise you I am going to do my best to delay that as long as I possibly can. I can't stop it, but I can slow it down." She took a deep breath. "Just, know that if you ever need to talk, you can come to me. Screw the professional relationship Alex. We're friends. If you need to talk, I'll listen."

"You already know everything. What more is there to talk about?" Alex hadn't meant to sound angry, but it had definitely come out that way. She saw the look in Casey's eyes. "I'm sorry. I just –"

Casey shook her head. "Stop apologizing. It's okay." She squeezed Alex's hand again. "I know what I read in the file, what you were able to tell the police when your parents weren't there. I know what happened Alex, but that doesn't mean you can't still talk to me. I'm still here if you need to get something off your chest, or even if you just need to cry."

Alex nodded. Casey's words healed her emotional wounds amazingly well. She couldn't believe how much support she had. The last few days had been incredibly difficult, but they had also proven to her how many people really loved her. She had to get Jess and Casey at least on speaking terms with each other. "Case, I never had a family that loved me before, but I have one now. I just…look, I know what Jess did hurt, but she's sitting out there waiting for me, and if it's too soon, just let me know, but I really want for the two of you –"

"Send her in."

"Seriously? Case, if it's too soon –"

"Alex, send her in. I can see how much she means to you. You're more important than the stupid fight I had with her years ago. I'm willing to forgive her, but I need to talk to her first. I need to find out why."

Alex smiled gratefully. "Casey, thank you. Thank you for everything."

Casey smiled modestly. "I love ya, Al. You're like a sister to me."

"I'll go get Jess." She said softly as she stood and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.

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Steve rushed into the hospital and looked frantically around until he finally spotted Olivia and some girl he'd never met before. He ran over to her and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Olivia!" he shouted to get her attention. "What happened? Is Casey okay? Is Alex okay?"

Olivia spun around and smiled. The panicked look on Steve's face only added to her love for him. She shook her head and tried to keep from laughing. "She's fine, Steve. They both are." Her grin faded as she tried to explain what happened. "Steve, has Casey mentioned anything about Alex lately?"

He hesitated. "Only that the two of you have kind of gotten back together and that something's going on in her life that isn't good. Casey wasn't too sure of the details or anything."

Olivia nodded. "Casey knows all the details now. I can't tell you, it's not really my place, but she was right. It isn't good. Steve, all I can really tell you right now is that Alex's name is about to be smeared all over the news. Elliot and I got a break in a bunch of cold rape cases and Casey was looking over the files. Alex's file was one of them." She paused, giving Steve time to absorb the information he'd just been given. She could tell by the look on his face that he understood what she was saying, and that she didn't have to go into any more detail. I think Casey came over to tell Alex herself, so she didn't have to hear about it in a newspaper or on the news or something. Alex panicked and threw an ashtray at her."

Steve would have laughed at Alex's reaction had the situation not been so horrific. He didn't know Alex all that well, but he knew her well enough to know that she was an incredibly amazing woman. This wasn't fair. He shook his head and tried desperately to lighten the tension that had surrounded them. "Casey's damn lucky that's all Alex did. I think I would have thrown something else, too."

Olivia laughed. She knew she shouldn't, but then thought that maybe, in a situation like this, all you can do is laugh. Otherwise you'd go crazy. "Yeah, that's Alex. I'm kind of surprised she didn't start throwing more stuff, too."

Steve looked over at Jess and smiled. He suddenly felt bad for not introducing himself sooner. "I don't think we've met. I'm Steve. I'm Casey's husband."

Jess smiled and shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you. I'm…" she hesitated. This man was bound to know who she was. She looked over at Olivia, praying the woman would intervene and think up something to change the subject, but she didn't. Instead, she nodded, telling Jess to keep going and just tell him who she was. "I'm Jessica Matthews. I'm Alex's niece."

He did a double take. Had he just heard her correctly? As he looked suspiciously at her, and saw her turn nervously away and look down at her feet, he knew he had. Anger suddenly engulfed him. What the hell was she doing here? He didn't care that she was Alex's niece. All her cared about was the pain she had caused Casey. He turned to her and it took every ounce of strength he had not to shove her to the ground. "Don't go near my wife, do you understand?"

"Steve, wait," Olivia said before he could storm off. She put a hand on Jess' shoulder to keep the girl from going anywhere.

"No, I deserved that," Jess said. "I shouldn't be here –"

"Damn right you shouldn't be here," Steve started.

"Guys," Olivia interrupted. "Stop it. Look Steve, I know that Jess hurt Casey, but right now, we need to ignore that part of the past. Right now your wife is sitting in a hospital bed because her friend hit her in the head with an ashtray after realizing she knew her secret. Right now we need to worry about Alex. Casey and Jess have their own issues to work out, but Steve, now is not the time to flip out."

Steve didn't want to hear it. He remembered the first time Casey had told him about Jessica Matthews, and he'd wanted to kill her at that moment. Casey had cried for hours when she described the pain and embarrassment Jess had caused her. He'd be damned if he let this girl get away with that. "With all due respect –"

"With all due respect," Jess cut in, "I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve Casey's forgiveness. I know that, believe me. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could take back what I did, but I can't. All I can say now is that I am sorry. I feel terrible for hurting her and I'm sorry."

Steve was about to respond with another angry retort when Casey's hospital room opened and Alex walked out slowly. Olivia rushed over to her and hugged her. They stood there for several seconds, silently, until they felt Jess and Steve staring at them. "You okay?" Olivia asked as she walked Alex over to the waiting room chairs.

Alex nodded and wiped away a tear. "Yeah, I think so." She shook her head and smiled at Jess. "She's asking to talk to you. I think she's ready." She noticed Steve's apprehensive look and smiled soothingly at him. "Give her a chance, Steve. She's my niece. Let her go talk to Casey, okay?"

"Fine."

Jess looked over at Alex. "Are you sure? I mean, this is kind of soon. I don't want to rush anything."

Alex laughed. "It took her several minutes to convince me that she was ready. Trust me, Jess. She's ready. She's angry as hell and will probably say some things that'll hurt, but give her a chance. She may just need to blow off some steam."

"Okay. I'll go in." She stood and walked slowly down the hall, nervous as hell but knowing that she had to make things right. She had to apologize to Casey.

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There was a soft, hesitant knock on the door, and Casey knew immediately who it must be. She closed her eyes and tried to push aside her anger. If she got angry, her head would start hurting more, and if it hurt more, she would get angrier. It was a vicious cycle that she refused to let start. She had to stay calm and hear Jess' side of the story. "Come in."

Jess slowly opened the door and stuck her head in. "Can I come in?" she asked nervously.

The look in the girl's eyes nearly made Casey want to cry. _Why the hell do I feel so bad for her all of a sudden,_ Casey wondered. She smiled slightly and pointed to the chair by her bed. "Yeah, come on in. I think it's about time the two of us talked."

She nodded and made her way to the chair. She brushed the wrinkles out of her pants several times before finally sitting down. This was harder than she thought it would be. Casey was lying in a hospital bed, which meant the odds of her attacking her were significantly lower. That was good. At least Jess knew she would come out of this conversation in one piece.

"So," Casey began.

"Casey, I'm sorry!" Jess blurted out. "I'm so sorry!" Her eyes filled with tears of guilt. "I should never have done what I did. I'm so sorry. It was so incredibly horrible of me and I'm a terrible person and I just…I'm sorry."

"Why?" Casey asked. The girl was visibly upset, but she wasn't going to let that get in the way of finding out what on earth it was that she'd done to deserve that pain. "What in God's name did I do to deserve that? What did I ever do to you, Jess?"

Jess violently shook her head and wiped her tears away. "Nothing! Oh, God, Casey you didn't do anything! You didn't do anything."

"Then why? Why, Jess?"

She took a deep breath. "My parents! They…it sounds so stupid and I know it's not an excuse, but please, just hear me out?"

Casey nodded but said nothing.

She took another deep breath. "They were never proud of me. Never. I graduated two years early and still I was grounded because I was ranked third in the class, not first. Nothing I could do ever pleased them. I went home for Christmas vacation and talked to them about school. I mentioned how wonderful you were to me. God, Casey, you were always so nice to me, even when nobody else was. I think hearing that pissed them off, because they dug into your past. They called me up and said, 'Jess, that girl dated a black guy once. If you humiliate her, really humiliate her, we'll be proud of you. You'd prove yourself worthy to be a part of our family.' So I started talking to Brian and he told me he only liked you because of the sex, and that he was sleeping around with other girls, too. When I found out he hit some of them, put some of them in the hospital, I had to stop him. I didn't want him to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you, Casey, but I needed my parents to be proud of me for once in my life. I figured I could keep him from hurting you and please my parents in one step. I'm so sorry."

"Did you please them?"

Casey's tone was understandably angry, and Jess felt terrible. She sighed. "Yeah, I did. They called me after they read in the papers about what I'd done. They congratulated me and told me I was a real part of the family."

"And?"

"And I would take it all back I if I could. Their praise wasn't worth your pain. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I was sixteen. They'd never been proud of me. I just…I thought I needed it. Afterwards I realized it wasn't their praise I needed. I thought it was, but once I had it, I realized it was worthless to me. If hurting others was the only way to get it, it wasn't worth it. I'm just sorry you had to get hurt before I could realize that."

Casey smiled slightly. She had long ago forgiven Jess. It was too painful to hold onto the hatred. She knew that if she ever got the chance to talk to her, she would need an explanation and would make no guarantees to form a relationship with her. Now, however, after hearing her apologize profusely, and knowing how important she was to Alex, she knew she could put the past behind her. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. She extended her hand. "Truce?"

Jess looked up, shocked as tears poured down her cheeks. "Really?"

She nodded. "I forgave you a long time ago, Jess. I always thought you were a cool kid, and when you did what you did, I cried for weeks. This isn't going to be easy for me, not right away, but I can see how sorry you are. I can see how guilty you feel. I can't say that I'm not glad you feel guilty, because I am, but I don't want you to keep feeling that way. What's done is done. You're a part of Alex's family now. I'm not going to let some stupid fight get in the way of that." She smiled and pushed her hand even closer to Jess. "So, truce?"

Jess laughed with relief as she cried even harder. She shook Casey's hand. "Truce."

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Okay, I'm going to ask what is probably a very stupid question, but I can't figure it out. I've been looking at a lot of stories, and in many of the summaries, it says AU. What does that mean?

Yes, I admit I'm an idiot.


	20. Will you marry me?

Disclaimer: They belong to Dick.

To everyone who has reviewed: Thank you so much! I love you all. I got so many reviews from my last chapter and every single one of them made me smile.

goes off into the corner and does a little happy dance

Okay, sorry, I'm back. On with the story…

Oh, and by the way, it's a longish chapter. Sorry…

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Two weeks after Jess met Alex, she decided it was time to finally introduce her, as well as Olivia, to Allen. She and Alex had met for lunch during Alex's break. It had actually been Alex's idea.

"So," Alex said, her mouth full of the tuna fish sandwich she'd made earlier that day. She hated that she had to eat quickly because her lunch break was so short. Jess being there was going to make it even shorter, but she didn't mind. Jess' company was always better than a lunch break alone. Olivia would occasionally stop by, but she'd been slammed with this Jennings case, and Alex knew to leave her to that. It was her case, too, after all. She was just glad Jess was so willing to meet her during lunch. She hated being alone in the office if she didn't have to be. "You're always talking about Allen and how he's the greatest guy in the world, but I have yet to actually meet him. I'm beginning to think he doesn't exist."

Jess laughed. "Yeah, I guess it's about time you and Olivia met him. He really does exist, I swear." She smiled mischievously. "We should go out on a double date, maybe do dinner, then a movie."

Alex hesitated. She still hadn't convinced herself that, while she was finally starting to feel comfortable going out with Olivia, other people would be fine seeing them together. "Are you sure he'd be okay with Liv and I…I mean, you know…."

"Of course he will. He's been asking to meet you for days now. Come on, it'll be fun."

She nodded, deciding to take a chance. Olivia was her girlfriend, and she loved her. Liv deserved to be able to go out with their friends just as much as anybody else. "Okay, let's do it." She thought for a minute. "Do you guys like Mexican food?"

"Oh yeah. It's one of our favorites."

"Great. I know a place Liv and I used to go to a lot. I can't remember what it's called but I can get you there easily. How about Friday night? We'll eat around six, then go catch a movie or something."

"Sounds like a plan." She looked at her watch and frowned. "I need to get going. I have to finish a set of birthday invitations. Can you believe someone is actually paying me two hundred dollars to make invitations to their daughter's sixth birthday? It's absurd."

Alex raised her eyebrows and laughed. "Actually, I can. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what my parents would do." She shook her head. "People are crazy. That money could be spent on so many other things. Why waste it on a piece of paper that's going to be thrown away?"

"Exactly," she said as she gathered her things. "So anyway, Allen and I will pick you two up on Friday at around five – thirty?"

"Okay, see you then."

She smiled at the pile of paperwork Alex still had sitting on her desk. "When's that all due?"

Alex closed her eyes, as if doing so would magically make the pile smaller. "Tomorrow morning at eight. I'm a terrible procrastinator."

"Yeah, you are. Enjoy your paperwork."

Alex stood, playfully threatening Jess. "I'm gonna kick –"

"I'm kicking myself out! Bye!" she left Alex alone with her paperwork and made her way back to her car. She really didn't want to work on those stupid invitations. The truth was she hadn't even started, and the parents wanted them by the following morning. That wasn't what was bothering her. She was pretty good at working under pressure. What was bothering her was how much those parents were willing to spend on stupid invitations. She hated money wasters. They really bugged her. "I swear I'm donating as much as I can to charity," she said as she drove home. "There are a hell of a lot of people who need it more than I do."

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Friday night came much quicker than Jess thought it would. An hour before she and Allen were due to pick up Olivia and Alex, she found herself digging through her closet for something to wear. Why was it that her closet was always full of clothes, but when she went to find something for a special occasion, it seemed there was nothing?

"You will throw everything _back_ into the closet once you've decided, right?" Allen asked as he walked into the room. He was wearing a nice dark blue turtleneck and light khakis. Guys always had it so easy.

"Of course I will. I just need something that's not too dressy but not crappy and I don't want to look like a hooker or anything and I –"

He pulled out her silver sleeveless turtleneck and black pants, then handed them to her. "Wear this. It's quick, it's easy, and best of all, you look gorgeous in it. It looks great against your hair. Did I ever tell you how much I love light brown hair?"

She laughed as she grabbed the clothes from him. "Well then you're in luck. It's my natural hair color. That makes my life so much easier." She quickly stripped out of her sweats and easily slid into her dinner clothes. She made her way into the bathroom and pulled her hair up into a ponytail, with several strands in the front left hanging. She always liked that look on her. The loose strands softened her face. She applied a little foundation, some blush, and a light pink lip-gloss, then decided she was ready. "Let's go."

"You look amazing. I love you."

She kissed him lightly on the lips before pulling away and leading him out to the car. "I love you, too."

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"Olivia, where the hell is my new skirt?" Alex asked anxiously as she dug through her closet. "Please tell me you didn't wear it again without telling me! It's what I want to wear tonight!"

Olivia walked in from the bathroom and smiled. Alex was walking around in a t-shirt and nothing else. _God she's sexy,_ she thought. It was only the second time since Alex had revealed her secret that she had been willing to leave some of her body exposed for Olivia to see. While the t-shirt was a large one, a few scars on her legs were visible. She still hadn't fully revealed herself, but Olivia had repeatedly told her to take her time, so that's exactly what she planned to do. If Olivia could see a few scars on her legs and still smile lovingly at her, maybe soon she could reveal a little more. For the time being, however, this was enough.

"I didn't wear your skirt. You wore it last week to get that warrant signed, remember? I don't know what you did with it after that."

Alex stood up and thought for a moment, then ran to the hall closet. She rummaged through the clothes that were piled on the floor before finally pulling it out. It was long and gray with lining on the bottom. She noticed Olivia's surprised look, but just laughed. "What? I wore it for two hours! I don't know why I even bothered to put it in with the dirty laundry. It's still clean enough to wear tonight." She slipped it on, then went back to the bedroom. She opened the second drawer of her dresser and pulled out her black sleeveless turtleneck. Still facing the dresser, she pulled off her t-shirt and threw on the turtleneck. "What are you wearing tonight, detective?" She asked Olivia once the shirt was securely in place.

"Nothing that'll make me look nearly as gorgeous as you, but I was thinking I'd wear my black pants and red sweater." She shrugged. "I figured that's not too dressy but dressy enough for a date."

Alex made her way towards the bathroom to get ready. "Well then you'd better get sexy while I try to do something with this face of mine. They'll be here in less than half an hour, so hurry up and get dressed." She smiled. "I can't wait to meet Allen. The way Jess describes him, he sounds amazing."

Olivia smiled as she pulled off her sweatshirt and slipped into her red sweater. "Yeah, she seems to really like the guy. She does realize we're going to be checking into him, doesn't she? I swear if we find anything –"

"Get dressed, Liv!" Alex said as she closed the bathroom door and started applying her makeup. She hoped Allen was as good as Jess described, but she didn't want to take any chances either. She didn't mind at all that Olivia was going to do a background check on him. It was worth it. If they found nothing, they didn't have anything to worry about. If they found something, they could warn Jess before it was too late.

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Jess and Allen rang Alex's bell, and were buzzed up immediately. They rode the elevator up in silence. They were more excited than nervous, but there was definitely a nervous feeling in the air. Jess prayed that Allen liked Olivia and Alex, and Allen prayed that Olivia and Alex liked him. They smiled at each other as the elevator reached the floor and the doors opened. Jess looked at her watch, noticing they were nearly fifteen minutes late. She blamed her inability to find anything to wear, but Allen assured her the night wasn't ruined. As they made their way to the apartment door, they were sure it was going to be a fun-filled evening.

Alex opened the door and smiled as she ushered them inside. "I'm so glad you two are late. We couldn't decide what we were going to wear and then I couldn't find my skirt and it took forever for me to get my hair to look decent and…well, thanks for being late."

Allen laughed as he extended his hand to her. "You must be Alex."

She shook his hand and smiled. "How can you tell?"

"Well for one, the two of you look a lot alike. For others, you've got that same nervous, bumbling speech. Plus, well, I can just tell you're related. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine."

Olivia walked out from the bathroom and smiled. _Jess did well_, she thought to herself when she saw Allen. _Kid's cute._ She shook his hand and wined approvingly at Jess. "Nice to finally meet you. Jess is always speaking so highly of you. Good to see she wasn't just inventing you to make herself sound better."

Everyone laughed as they exited the apartment and made their way to Allen's car. As they all climbed in, Allen looked in his rearview mirror and grinned. "Jess mentioned that you two weren't sure how I'd feel about us all going out toge –" he felt Jess nudge him in the ribs, hoping to shut him up, but he just kept going. "About how I would feel about the two of you, but I assure you it's not a big deal. I was adopted by a gay couple when I was six. I had the two best mothers in the world. Trust me when I say that as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing wrong with the two of you being together."

Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and smiled. "Good, because we are together, and it's going to stay that way. I'm crazy about this woman and I don't care who thinks it's wrong. It's not going to change anything."

"I hope not, because you two look absolutely smitten with each other."

"Smitten?" Jess asked. "Did you really just say smitten?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with smitten?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Nothing. It's just not a word I've heard anyone use lately."

"Well do you have a better one?"

"Nope. Smitten works."

"Good."

Dinner that night was a blast for all four of them. They were all amazed at how comfortable they were with one another and how easily they made conversation. They joked the whole time, sometimes laughing so hard they couldn't eat. It was the most fun any of them had had in a long time. For Alex, it was a night where she was finally becoming more comfortable with herself and being out in public with Olivia. For Olivia, it was a night where she could spend time in public with the woman of her dreams, and finally hold her hand without being rejected. For Jess, it was a night where she realized she really had a family that loved her. For Allen, it was the night he decided he was going to marry Jess. When both Jess and Olivia excused themselves to the bathroom, he decided to talk to Alex about it.

"You're a good guy, Allen," Alex told him once they were alone. "Jess is really happy with you. You should hear how much she talks about you. She's absolutely…smitten…with you," She joked.

He laughed. "Well, I'm glad to hear it. Look, I need to ask you a favor, and you can totally say no if you don't want to. I know we just met. I just…well the two of you probably wear about the same ring size."

Her eyes widened as she smiled. "_Oh my GOD!"_ she exclaimed as she threw her hands to her face. "You're going to ask her to marry you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"What can I do?" She was eager to help him out. She realized they hadn't done a background check on him, but she was pretty sure they weren't going to find anything. Jess was crazy about this guy, and after seeing him tonight, she was sure he was crazy about her, too.

"I was just wondering if you could maybe help me pick out a ring. You look about the same size, maybe, I guess…I don't know. I just have no idea how to go about doing this and I figured you're the best person to ask, seeing as how you're so close to her. So, can ya help me out?"

"Absolutely. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there."

"Does Wednesday at noon work for you? We can look around at a couple of different stores. I don't want to rush in and buy the first ring I see. I want to make sure it's beautiful."

"I have to be in court at ten on Wednesday, but I don't think it's going to be too long. Let's make it one just to be safe. Does that still work for you?"

He nodded. "That works. Thanks."

"No problem," she smiled and winked as she saw Olivia and Jess returning to the table. She couldn't keep the grin off her face, but she hoped Jess didn't pry. She couldn't think of an excuse as to why she couldn't stop smiling. Luckily, Jess was having so much fun that she didn't even notice.

They decided to see _X-Men_ and were surprised at how empty the theater was. Sure there were a fair amount of people, but not nearly as many as they had expected. "Isn't this a new movie?" Olivia asked as they took their seats. "Plus it's a Friday night. What the hell are people doing these days? I though Fridays were movie nights."

Alex laughed. "People have cable connections that give them hundreds of channels. They don't need to go out to the movies. They can watch them from their bedroom. Plus, the bedroom's private, so they can do things during the movie that they can't necessarily do in the theater…"

Everybody chuckled as the movie began. Allen and Jess held hands, and Olivia and Alex held hands. It was the most amazing night that any of them could ever remember having. Nothing had gone wrong. They had all gotten along very well and the conversations had all flowed so easily. None of them could believe how perfect the evening had been, and they were sad when it ended. Allen and Jess dropped off Alex and Olivia before returning home. It was the first evening in what was bound to many great get-togethers between friends.

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Allen met Alex at her office at one on Wednesday. He was glad to see that she was there. "Court let out early," she told him as she followed him out to his car. "Damn idiot lied on the stand and then got caught contradicting himself. Judge let us all out until she can figure out what the hell to do with him. He's going to be charged with purgery, but he implicated himself on the stand. That's a touchy issue, and I really hope she lets his implication stand. Oh well. I love dumb criminals. They make my life a lot easier."

Allen laughed as he pulled out onto the road. "Thank you so much for doing this, Alex. I swear I'm an idiot when it comes to jewelry, especially something this important. I want to make sure I get the perfect ring for her."

"I'm glad to help." She grinned excitedly. "This is so exciting!"

After three jewelry stores, Allen finally found the ring he wanted. It was simple, which is exactly what he knew Jess would want. It was a one carat diamond mounted on a silver band. That was it, but that was what made it so perfect. He smiled at Alex as he asked her to try it on, silently praying the two women had the same ring size.

It fit her perfectly. As she stared at it on her finger, she suddenly wished she and Olivia could get married. It was so stupid that they weren't allowed to do so. How the hell would the two of them getting married destroy the sanctity of marriage any more than a forty-eight hour Vegas marriage? She shook her head and forced a smile, telling Allen that it was a beautiful ring and that Jess was sure to love it.

"You know," he said, reading her thoughts. "I think it's stupid that the two of you can't get married. There's no law against the two of you getting rings for each other and having a little ceremony."

She nodded, but didn't trust herself to say anything. She was too afraid she was going to cry. Not being allowed to marry the one person she loved more than anybody else in the world enraged her, but she pushed aside her feelings. The ring Allen had bought was gorgeous, and she was glad she was there to help him out. "When are you going to ask her?"

"I was thinking about that," he answered. "Thanksgiving's coming up in less than a month. I think that's the perfect time to ask her. How would you and Olivia like to come over to our place? Of course, if you already have plans, I'd understand."

"Oh, we're free. I don't even think we made plans to do a traditional Thanksgiving meal. We would probably just end up eating frozen TV dinners and watching CSI reruns all night."

He laughed. He was so happy Jess had found this woman. She was even more amazing than Jess had been able to describe. She was going to make Olivia one very happy woman. "Well we can't have that. You two are officially invited. Just let us know so we can know how much to cook."

"We'll be there. I'm sure Olivia will be okay with it. She's not big on holidays, but I'll convince her. Thanksgiving is a time for families. As far as I'm concerned, Jess is a huge part of mine, which makes you a part as well. We'll even bring cookies."

"It's done then." He dropped her back off at her office. As he put his car back in drive, he held up the box containing the ring. "Thanks again. I couldn't have done this without you."

"Glad to help."

He drove off, happy that she'd agreed to come to Thanksgiving dinner. Jess had mentioned that she wanted to invite them, but hadn't gotten around to inviting them. she was too damned occupied with their business. He'd declined the offer in Chicago, knowing he was missing out on a huge chunk of change, but realizing if he agreed to work with this company, he and Jess would have no free time. Lately, however, she'd been accepting every request that came in. He knew it was just because she was trying to prove that she was good at what she did, but he was trying to convince her to refuse some clients. She couldn't do everything. Eventually, she had agreed and dropped two projects, though she hadn't been too happy about it. Still, it gave them a lot more time to spend together, which made them both happier. As he pulled into his parking spot, he couldn't wait to tell her that Olivia and Alex were coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

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One month after her truce with Jess, Casey found herself being invited to the girl's apartment for Thanksgiving dinner. The phone call she had received asking her to come had thrown her slightly off guard. While it was true that she'd forgiven Jess and agreed to form some type of friendly relationship with her, she still hadn't expected to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner. Sure they'd had lunch twice and things were getting less awkward between them, but the invitation had still been a surprise. When she found out that Olivia and Alex were also invited, however, she decided it was a good idea to go. Her biggest problem was Steve. He was still fuming at the idea of her having a relationship with the girl.

"You know," he said as they were getting ready. "You don't have to do this. You don't have to forgive her and just pretend like the past never happened."

He was angry. She could see it in his eyes. She hated that look. She'd seen it too many times after she'd come home late. For the last week, however, she hadn't seen it. She'd dropped all of her cases except the Jennings one. She'd even agreed to plea out Cynthia Zeller. While she hated that the woman wasn't going to get a needle in the arm, she loved that she was now going to be able to spend more time with Steve. Zeller's attorney knew how much Casey wanted the case to be over, so he offered her a deal: Give her life without the possibility of parole, or spend the next several months in court. She caved and made the deal. Alex hadn't been too keen on the idea, but that was mainly because she knew Casey was going to get a lot of crap for it, and she didn't want that to happen. None of that mattered to Casey, though. What mattered now was spending Thanksgiving with Steve and her friends, even if it meant spending it at Jess' apartment.

She sighed and took his hand. "I know I don't have to do this, but I want to. She's Alex's niece, Steve. I can't just pretend that she doesn't exist anymore. Alex is more important."

"But –" he started, but she put a finger to his lips to silence him.

"No buts Steve, please."

He wanted nothing more than to argue with her, but he knew her mind was made up. "Casey, I remember the pain in your eyes when you told me what she did to you. How can you just forgive her so easily?"

Casey smiled. He was so cute when he was angry. "Steve, I forgave her a long time ago," she said as she ushered him out of the bathroom. They made their way down the hall and outside. "She was just a kid then, and she was carrying around a hell of a lot of baggage. I know I'm not usually one to forgive and forget, but I think I need to make an exception here."

"Casey, you –"

"She's Alex's niece, Steve! Alex loves that girl almost as much as she loves Olivia. You know how much Alex means to me. We may not be related by blood, but in my heart, she's my sister. I will do anything to keep her happy." She noticed Steve's body tense and smiled again. She patted his back as she pulled onto the highway. "I want to do this, Steve. Alex isn't the kind of person to trust easily. If she loves and trusts Jess, it's for a good reason. Please Steve, for everyone's sake, give her a chance."

He sighed. She was right. He hated to admit it, but it was true. After all, if Jess hadn't been in Alex's apartment that night and made sure that Casey stayed awake after she'd gotten hit in the head with an ashtray, there was no telling what may have happened. "You're right. I'm sorry."

She smiled and squeezed his hand as she kept her eyes focused on the heavy Thanksgiving traffic. It made her happy to see him so concerned and nervous about getting to know Jess. It proved how much her pain meant to him. "Don't apologize. Just promise to give her a chance."

"I promise."

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"Allen, they're going to be here in fifteen minutes!" Jess said anxiously as she darted back into the dining room and checked the settings for about the twentieth time. "What if they don't like dinner? What if I screwed something up?"

He laughed. _You're so cute when you're nervous,_ he thought. He put his hand in his pocket and smiled. The ring was still exactly where it was supposed to be. His mind wandered to all the great times they'd had together, and he couldn't help but smile. She was the perfect person for him. He couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with her.

"Are you even listening to me?" she asked, the anxiety in her voice clearly escalating. She straightened and restraightened the napkins again. "Twelve minutes, Allen! We have twelve minutes! I'm so worried I've forgotten something!"

"Honey, relax." He pulled her away from the table so she could admire the settings. "Alex and Olivia would still love you if you handed them a Burger King kids' meal. It's okay."

She shook her head and smacked his chest. He could be so dense sometimes. "Allen, they're not the ones I'm worried about. I'm worried about Casey and Steve. I mean, I know Casey and I are talking now – which is great – but it's still a little awkward. Steve still hasn't said a word to me since that day Alex put Casey in the hospital. I'm scared, Allen."

He couldn't help but laugh. "Sweetie, relax. It's going to be okay. We're all adults and we're all going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner together."

She stopped arguing and gave a sigh of defeat. "I hope so. I would hate to ruin Alex's Thanksgiving."

"You won't. It's going to be okay."

He was pretty close to being right. Alex and Olivia arrived first, followed shortly by Casey and Steve. They all gathered in the living room, and nobody knew what to say. Nobody even knew how to start the conversation. Alex thought about mentioning the weirdly cold weather they'd been having lately, but then thought better of it. Weather was too obvious. It would be too obvious that she was trying to strike up something to talk about.

Finally, after he couldn't stand the silence any longer, Allen stood up. "I, uh, I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I figure now's a good a time as any." He saw Alex smile widely at this break in the silence she gave him a confident wink, hoping to tell him that he could do it. He took a deep breath and he took Jess' hand in his. He put his other hand in his pocket. "Jessica Matthews, I fell in love with you the first day you walked into that classroom. I knew right then that you were the one for me, and you have proven me right time and time again. I love you more than you could ever imagine, and more than I could ever express in words. You make me the happiest man in the world. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He pulled out the small box and showed her the ring. "Jessica, will you marry me?"

She couldn't breathe. She put her hand to her mouth and gasped. "I…uh…wow, Allen. I…"

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Yea, I'm evil. Just admit it. I figured a cliffhanger was a good way to end this chapter.

insert evil laughter

I'm going on vacation. My plane leaves at seven tomorrow morning, which means I have to leave no later than 4:30. Living this far from the airport sucks. Anyways, I'll be gone for eight days, so it'll probably be at least nine before I'll be able to update. Sorry. Enjoy the cliffhanger!


	21. A new house

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns everyone else.

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She put the ring on her finger. "Allen, I…" she looked around the room at everyone's shocked expressions turn into smiles and excitement. She couldn't breathe with everyone watching, and she felt like she was going to throw up. She bolted out of the living room, not even caring what everybody would think, and ran into the kitchen. This wasn't happing, was it? She started pacing back and forth. Allen hadn't just asked her to marry him, had he? Then she looked down at the ring on her finger and realized he had. She half-smiled. It was the most beautiful ring she had ever seen. She was so glad he had bought a simple one. He knew her too well. He knew she would have hated a huge, gaudy ring. This one was perfect.

"Alex helped me pick it out."

She looked up and saw him standing in the doorway. His hands were in his pockets and he was smiling lovingly at her. He looked so casual, as if what she had just done hadn't been a big deal. She searched his eyes for any hint of anger but couldn't find any. "Why?" she asked softly, trying not to cry.

"Because I had no idea how to go about finding a ring. I figured she'd be able to help me get a good idea of what size you were. Plus, she's a woman. I needed a female opinion as well as my own."

She shook her head in frustration and rolled her eyes. _God you're an idiot sometimes,_ she thought. "Allen, that's not what I meant and you know it."

He walked over to her and bent low so their eyes met. "I know," he said. He stood up slowly and brought her head with him, so their eyes never lost their connection. He could tell that she desperately wanted to look away, but she resisted that urge. She was giving him a chance. "I love you, Jess," he told her. He put his hand on her face and held it gently as he rubbed his thumb along her cheek. "You make me the happiest man in the world. Every second I'm not with you is torture. You make me a better man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Jessica Matthews. I love you."

She shook her head, unable to accept what he was saying. Nobody could possibly love her this much. Nobody could possibly want to spend the rest of their life with her. "Allen, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. We can't do this. I don't want to hurt you! I love you too much."

He narrowed his eyes in confusion. _Hurt me?_ "Jess, you –"

"Don't Allen," she said, the anger in her voice rising. "Everywhere I go, I hurt people. I was always a constant disappointment to my parents. They were always so hurt and upset every time I failed to meet their expectations. No matter how hard I tried I could never make them happy!"

He tried to hug her but she pulled away, and he didn't try to push her. "Jess, your parents –"

"And Casey!" she interrupted, ignoring his attempts to argue with her. "I don't deserve her forgiveness, Allen, yet for some reason she's given that to me. I hurt her Allen. I really, really hurt her. The pain I caused that woman, Allen she didn't deserve any of that. I saw the pain in her eyes when that tape was over. I can never forgive myself for that, Allen."

"Jess, Casey's –" he tried to argue again.

"And don't even get me started on the pain I've caused Alex just by coming here! She has so many flashbacks and panic attacks now and it's all my fault. If I had just left her be she'd be fine." She took a deep breath as she tried to regain her composure. "I hurt people, Allen, everywhere I go. Why the hell do you want to marry me?"

From her spot on the couch, Casey could hear and see the entire argument. It killed her to hear Jess saying such horrible things about herself. Yes she had made mistakes in the past, everybody had. Yes, one of those mistakes had been terribly cruel and painful for Casey, but it was in the past now. She had paid for those mistakes. Jess didn't need to keep punishing herself. Casey turned to Steve, who nodded and smiled. He whispered softly, telling her to go talk some sense into Jess. Casey smiled as she realized the true value of his words. He, too, hated hearing Jess say those things, which meant he had finally forgiven her. Casey smiled in relief as she stood and slowly walked into the kitchen.

"Allen," she said softly as she gently placed a hand on his back. When he turned to face her, she motioned with her head for him to go back to the couch. She noticed that Jess had her back to them. "Go," she whispered. "Let me talk to her."

He nodded reluctantly and sighed. He wiped away a few tears and sniffled. Usually he hated crying in front of people, especially people he didn't know well, but he didn't care now. Right now all he cared about was Jess. "I love her, Casey," he said. "I love her."

She nodded and mouthed, "I know," as she pushed him out of the kitchen. When she saw him sit down next to Steve on the couch, she turned to face Jess, whose back was still towards her.

"You come to tell me I'm not good enough for him?"

_How the hell did you even know I was standing here?_ Casey wondered. "Jess –"

"Because you're too late. I already know."

Casey took a deep breath and walked over to her. She hesitantly put a hand on Jess' shoulder and was relieved when Jess didn't immediately pull away. When Jess turned around, Casey noticed the tears pouring down her cheeks. "Hey," she said as she squeezed Jess' shoulders. "You are good enough. Jess you have got to stop blaming yourself for the past. Your parents were crazy for never being proud of you, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, honey. They were wrong."

"Casey, I…" Jess said, trying to keep herself from crying.

"And you have got to stop feeling so bad about what you did to me. I forgave you years ago, Jess. Yes it hurt, but that was a long time ago. You have changed so much since I first met you, and I am so amazed at the person you have become. I am more than willing to replace my feelings of the old you with those feelings of the new you."

Jess shook her head, trying to convince Casey she was wrong. "But what I've done to Alex –"

"You mean help her?" Casey asked, trying to get Jess to understand that she wasn't the terrible person she was making herself out to be. "Jess you have no idea just how much you've done for that woman. I've known her for two years and I have never seen her this happy. She's living life now Jess. She's going out – she's having fun. You did that. You helped her get her life back, Jess."

Jess tried to wipe away the tears but they were flowing so heavily the task was nearly impossible. When she felt Casey's hands push her own away, telling her to let the tears fall, she reluctantly obeyed. "I want to marry him, Casey, but I'm scared," she confessed. "I feel so bad for freaking out on him." She looked up, panicked at the sudden realization of what she'd just said. "What if he doesn't want to marry me anymore?"

Casey smiled. "He does, don't worry."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because he loves you. I can see it in his eyes. He is completely head – over – heels in love with you. This isn't going to change anything, I promise."

She was finally successful in drying her tears as she looked away. She shook her head. "This is so embarrassing. I totally freaked out."

Casey nodded as she put her hand on Jess' back to get her to turn back around. "It's okay. When Steve first pulled out this ring," she showed Jess the ring on her finger, "I dropped a cold turkey on his head."

Jess laughed, "You what?"

She nodded. "I was facing the counter, gutting the turkey – disgusting job, mind you – when it happened. I picked it up to put it in the pan on the table. I turned around and there he was, kneeling and showing me the ring. I was so surprised I dropped the damn turkey right on his head." They both laughed, and Casey took Jess' hand in hers. "This will work out, Jess. If I can get married after dropping a cold turkey on someone, you can get married after freaking out a little. It's not nearly as big a deal as you think, I promise."

Jess laughed so hard she almost started crying. She was so glad to hear Casey's turkey story. It wasn't just because Casey also had an embarrassing proposal story. It was more because, by telling the story, Casey had proven to Jess that she had forgiven her. "Thank you," she said as she wiped away a tear and took a deep breath. She didn't know what else to say. "Just…thank you."

Casey smiled and nodded as she led Jess back into the living room. She prayed that this relationship worked out. The two of them were too damned cute together to not get married.

Allen stood up and nervously rubbed his hands together as Jess entered the room. Alex and Olivia looked up, concern all over their faces. Jess smiled, embarrassed, as she met Allen's eyes. She took a deep breath. "Yes," was all she could manage to say.

Allen's eyes widened with excitement. _She just said yes!_ He thought excitedly. Still, he didn't want to force her into something she wasn't ready for. He wanted to make sure it was what she really wanted. "Are you sure? Is it too soon? If it's too soon we can wait a while. I want –"

Steve smacked him in the back of the head. "Shut up, man!" he said as he shoved Allen towards Jess. "She said yes!"

"He's right you know," Jess said as she grabbed Allen's belt loops. "I did say yes." She kissed him lightly on the lips, then felt him wrap his arms around her as she rested her head against his chest. She couldn't remember ever feeling this loved, and she was sure she'd never been happier than she was at this moment. "I'm so sorry I freaked out on you," she said. "I freaked out. I was just so surprised and I wasn't expecting it and –"

"Enough with the apologies," he said gently. He rubbed his hand along her back, then ran his fingers through her hair. "It's okay. I still love you more than anything else in this world." He hugged her tighter as he kissed the top of her head.

"And you'd better like that ring on your finger. Allen here dragged me all over damnation trying to find it. He just had to have the perfect one."

Jess turned around and laughed as she saw Alex standing behind her, a huge and loving smile on her face. Jess let a few tears fall and didn't even bother to wipe them away. "Thank you," she said as she hugged her.

Alex returned the hug, squeezing her tight. "Anytime, Jess. _Anytime._" She put her chin on Jess' shoulder and whispered, "Are you okay?"

"Yea, thanks," she replied.

Alex pulled away and smiled, then went to hug Allen as Olivia wrapped an arm around Jess. Olivia could tell that Jess was still upset about her initial reaction to Allen's proposal. "Don't worry," she told her. "Casey's got an even funnier story."

Jess laughed. "Yeah, she told me. Made me feel a lot better about freaking out on Allen."

Olivia pulled out of the hug laughing. After everyone hugged and congratulated Jess and Allen, they took their seats at the table. As Jess and Allen served the food, Olivia couldn't help but smile. Just a few months ago, the lives of everyone at the table had been falling apart. Steve and Casey's marriage was barely hanging on. Alex hadn't even been living any life at all, and Olivia had found herself lonely and uninterested in her job. Then Jess had walked into Alex's office and everything changed. When Jess and Allen sat down at the table and everyone started eating, Olivia hoped that Jess would one day see how truly amazing she was.

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Two months after Thanksgiving, Alex and Olivia bought a house together. They had been discussing it for several weeks, and had finally decided on a nice one – story ranch twenty minute from the city. Both women felt that while they loved the hustle and bustle of city life, they wanted to be able to come home to a relaxing environment. The house itself was nothing to get overly excited about. It was a two bedroom, one bathroom house situated on three acres. Both bedrooms were huge and the bathroom had a Jacuzzi tub, but it was still much smaller than Alex had originally intentioned. She could easily have afforded something much larger, but after thinking about it, she realized that wasn't what she wanted. It had taken Olivia a long time to convince her that she really loved her and wanted them to live together in their own home. When she finally felt comfortable buying a house with Olivia, she knew she wanted a small one. A large house would feel too empty, have too much unused space. She didn't like that feeling. She'd grown up with it her entire life. Besides, a smaller house meant that she could be closer to Olivia.

"It's even more beautiful than when we first toured it," Alex said as Olivia pulled into the driveway and parked the car.

"That's because it's ours."

Alex smiled as she looked at Olivia. When Olivia grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, Alex let a single tear fall down her cheek. "Yeah, ours." She looked back at the house and sighed happily. This was really happening. "I never imagined that this could ever happen tome," she told Olivia. "With everything in my past, I never believed anyone would ever love me."

"Well believe it," Olivia said quickly, before Alex could put herself down. "Believe it, Alex. I love you, with all my heart. I love you more than words could ever say."

Alex smiled. "I love you, too. Come on, let's unpack."

As they made their way inside and started unpacking the boxes, both women couldn't keep the smiles off their faces. Casey and Steve soon arrived to help move all the furniture. Allen also stopped by for a few hours. Jess had called and apologized profusely for not being able to come over on their first day in their new home. She had to finish a packet of brochures and was really struggling with the color schemes. She promised to stop by the following afternoon to help "feng shui" the place. Alex had taken the next two days off in order to get settled in, though Olivia had been unable to do the same. The Jennings case was huge, and she wanted to make sure she was there to see that it was processed correctly. Alex was glad Jess would be over to keep her company.

That night, after all their furniture had been put in its place and all the absolute necessities had been taken out of their boxes, both women were exhausted. Casey and Steve had only been able to stay to help move the furniture, and Allen had left to help Jess finish the brochures.

"Well, I'm a gross, sweaty mess," Olivia said once they were alone. "I'm going to take a shower." She wanted so badly to invite Alex to take one with her, but Alex still hadn't even felt comfortable fully exposing herself to Olivia. Olivia knew that when Alex was ready, she would join her in the shower. She needed to move at her own pace, and Olivia was going to move at that exact same pace, no matter how slow it may be. As long as Alex was happy and comfortable, she was happy.

Alex smiled. She couldn't remember ever being this happy. For a long time, she had been convinced that Olivia was just playing a horrible game with her. She felt stupid for thinking that, and she knew Olivia would never do something so cruel, but still, the feeling remained in the pit of her stomach. Now, however, after buying this house together, Alex finally allowed herself to believe that Olivia truly loved her unconditionally. She took a deep breath. "I, um…uh, I…would you mind if I…if I joined you?"

Olivia felt her heart skip a beat. The thought of showering with Alex greatly excited her. What excited her more, however, was the inner strength that was growing inside the woman she loved so deeply. "Of course you can join me." she saw the apprehension in Alex's eyes and smiled warmly. "We can move as slow as you need. You can wear a t-shirt or something, I don't care. I just want you to feel comfortable."

Alex grinned as she lightly kissed Olivia's lips. The woman was so patient with her and she couldn't stop smiling. She shook her head. "I'm tired of hiding from you. We've been together for more than three months and I still haven't let you see or touch me." She held up her hand to keep Olivia from protesting. She knew the woman would just say that it was fine that they were moving slowly. "I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am that you've been this patient with me. You never get upset when I move your hands away from my stomach. You never get angry when I wake you in the middle of the night screaming. You never get annoyed when I go through random crying fits. I love you Olivia, and I thank you for everything you've done for me."

Olivia smiled as she wiped away a tear. "I love you, too," she said as they made their way into the bathroom. She noticed Alex was getting tenser all the way there. she hated that this was so hard for Alex, and she was determined to do anything she could to make it easier. "Do you want to take a shower or a bath?"

Alex thought for a moment. She couldn't believe she was about to expose herself like this. Never in a million years could she ever have imagined doing something like this, yet here she was. She looked at Olivia and smiled, grateful that the woman was so willing to move slowly. Still, she was scared. She looked away. "Uh, I think I'd be more comfortable taking a bath, if that's okay."

"Of course that's okay," Olivia said gently as she turned on the water. She added some lavender bubble bath to the water to add to the relaxation. Plus, with all the bubbles, she thought Alex might be more comfortable because she could hide in them. she turned around and began undressing. When she was naked, she looked up and saw that Alex hadn't yet removed her oversized t-shirt. "We can get in like this, Alex. It's okay. I know this is a huge step for you."

She shook her head. As terrified as she was of pulling her shirt over her head and exposing her scars, she also desperately wanted to be naked with Olivia in the bathtub. "No, I'm going to take it off." She paused and took a deep breath. "Could you, could you just…" her voice trailed off.

"What?" Olivia asked gently, her eyes full of concern. "Tell me what I can do and I'll do it. I will do anything to make you feel more comfortable Alex, I promise. You've just got to tell me what it is that I can do."

Alex nodded. "Could you…could you please just…just not…could you please not tell me that I'm …that I'm ugly? Please don't tell me that. I don't think I can stand to hear it again."

_Again?_ Olivia thought. She shook her head as she wrapped her arms around Alex. "Oh, honey," she said softly. "I could never, ever say something like that. You're not ugly. You're nowhere near ugly. You're so beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman I know, Alex."

Alex pulled away and took a deep breath. This was it. She closed her eyes as she slowly removed her shirt. She kept them closed, waiting for Olivia to react in disgust, ready for her to run away and leave her there alone. To her surprise, Olivia did none of those things.

"You are beautiful, Alex. _Beautiful._" Olivia told her as she kissed her. She wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her softly. Their foreheads met and Olivia smiled. She could feel Alex's tears on her cheeks. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Thank you…for everything."

Olivia smiled. "Come on. Lets get in the tub."

Alex allowed Olivia to lead her to the tub. Olivia got in first, and Alex stepped in after her. As Olivia leaned against the tub, Alex leaned against her. This in itself was a huge step for her, and she was surprised that she wasn't more nervous. Until this moment, whenever she and Olivia were in bed, she had to be facing her. She knew it was silly, but she hated being vulnerable and not being able to see the person with her. Now, however, she felt comfortable wrapped in Olivia's arms.

Olivia was amazed that this was happing this quickly. Alex was showing more strength than anybody else she'd ever known. She kissed the top of her head. "You are amazing," she told her as she gently rubbed her shoulders. She knew better than to let her hands go any lower on Alex's body unless Alex gave her permission. "I love you." She kissed her again. "I love you."

Alex felt herself grabbing Olivia's hands. She felt herself slowly lowering them down her body until they were resting on her scars, giving Olivia full access to her deepest secret. She hadn't even realized she was doing it until she felt Olivia gently trace several of them with her fingers. When that happened, she tensed, but she didn't push Olivia's hands away. Her breathing increased, but she just swallowed. She needed Olivia to see and feel her. If Olivia still loved her afterwards, it would be worth it.

"They always told me I was ugly," she said after a while. Olivia's hands felt so good on her stomach. The woman had such a loving, gentle touch.

Olivia stopped rubbing and grabbed Alex's hands. "Who?"

"My parents," she admitted. "They always made me stand naked in front of the mirror. They'd trace my scars with their fingers and tell me I was ugly. They'd tell me they were doing it to save me. They wanted me to believe I was ugly so I would never let myself get hurt by someone pretending to love me. Nobody could love anyone this ugly anyway." She let the tears fall after Olivia told her not to wipe them away. She bit her lower lip. "Jack said the same thing. He would rub his hands over my stomach and tell me I was ugly." She sighed. "That's why I always pushed away your hands. I was afraid of what you would say."

It wasn't fair. Too many people had hurt this woman and it just wasn't fair. Olivia felt the tears running down her own cheeks but she didn't care. She couldn't stop them even if she tried. It hurt so much to know Alex's pain, but she was more than willing to carry as much of it as she could. She slow began tracing Alex's scars again, hoping it wouldn't send her into a flashback. She knew that after telling this part of her past, doing what had initially caused the woman pain could be risky, but she needed to try something. As she traced the scars one by one, she whispered softly. "I love you, Alex. you are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful." She continued until she had traced every scar. She felt Alex's body shaking with sobs, and she hugged her tight. She wasn't sure what else to do, and she hoped that just by holding Alex in her arms, she was providing some sense of relief.

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"So, how was the house?" Jess asked Allen when he came home. She was sitting at her computer, desperately trying to get the stupid color scheme to work. She had to use the company colors, and that wasn't always easy. Sometimes she just wished she could pick her own colors. That would make her job a hell of a lot easier.

He smiled as he joined her at the computer desk. "It was cute. It's a little small, but I think it's perfect for the two of them. It has two bedrooms and one bathroom, and it's on three acres. It's pretty nice though. They are so excited about it. They're so happy to finally have a house of their own."

She shook her head and smiled sadly. "I wish I could have been there. It was their first day in their new house and I missed it. Sometimes I hate this job. Are they mad?"

He wrapped an arm around her and smiled. "Not at all. They understand why you couldn't make it. Alex told me to be sure to remind you that you need to help her 'feng shui' the place, though. She told me you're much better than her at decorating and organizing everything. Olivia's going to be at work all day tomorrow, and I think Alex was a little nervous about having to be home alone. She's glad you're coming over."

Jess smiled. "Damn right I'm coming over. That woman has no idea how to decorate her house. We'd go over next week and her dishes would be in her bathroom. It's sad, really," she joked. She looked down at the keys as she was typing and smiled when she saw the ring on her finger. Her life had been a living hell for so long, but now it was finally turning around. She had more friends now that ever before, and she had a fiancé who she loved deeply. She looked up and kissed him, then went back to typing.

"What was that for?"

"Nothing. I just love you."

He smiled. "Well then," he kissed her back. "I love you, too."


	22. They want me to testify

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns everyone else.

Thanks for all the reviews! I think I love all of you. No, really. I honestly think I love you all…

Oh, and this chapter has spoilers for "Night" like whoa. Consider yourselves warned.

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After a long, relaxing bath, Alex and Olivia put on their pajamas and climbed into bed. Ever since Olivia had moved in with her, Alex had only had two rules for sleeping together: one, she had to be facing Olivia at all times. She had to be able to see who was with her. Second, she needed to have her arms free. If Olivia wanted to wrap an arm around her, she had to do it under Alex's arm. Night after night, Olivia complied with these needs, without complaining or arguing. It amazed Alex how patient Olivia was – how willing she was to put up with her stupid needs. That night, however, Alex let her guard down completely. She curled up next to Olivia, her back to her so they were spooning. When she felt Olivia's arm squeeze under her own and gently wrap around her, she smiled. Olivia still cared about her, still loved her, despite how difficult it had been in the bathroom only minutes earlier. "I love you," she said softly as she slowly lifted Olivia's arm and placed her own underneath it so Olivia's was on top. She held Olivia's hand with both of hers. "Thanks for tonight."

Olivia lifted her head and lightly kissed the top of Alex's head and squeezed her hand. She brushed the hair out of Alex's face and smiled. "You did everything." She sighed happily. "I am so proud of you, Alex. You are by far the strongest, bravest woman I know, and definitely the most beautiful." She kissed the top of her head again and laid her own head back down on the pillow. "I love you so much."

Alex held tight to Olivia's hand as she closed her eyes. Before tonight, she would have been terrified to have someone pinning her arm to her body, but now, she felt safer than she could ever remember feeling. With Olivia's arm wrapped tightly around her, she knew everything was okay. She smiled, completely amazed at how great her life was turning out to be. "Good night, Olivia."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand again, realizing she'd done it about a million times, but also knowing how much a simple squeeze can convey. She was completely in shock at the bravery Alex had shown that night. It was at that moment that she knew everything was going to be okay. "Good night, Alex."

Both women feel into a deep and peaceful sleep that lasted the entire night. Alex wasn't bothered by a single nightmare, and she relished in the fact that Olivia's arm was securely around her. She snuggled into Olivia's embrace as close as she possibly could and let sleep slowly overtake her.

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Jess arrived at the house promptly at eleven a.m. with several armloads of supplies to help Alex decorate the apartment. She came decked out in sweatpants and a grimy tank top. Her hair pulled into a tight ponytail, she waltzed into Alex's living room to do a quick inspection. After checking out all the rooms, she and Alex met up back in the living room.

"So, what do you think?" Alex asked.

Jess smiled. She could tell how excited Alex was about this place. "I think the two of you are going to be very happy hear. It's perfect. It just needs a little color. White walls are boring. Now I'm going to throw something out there that might be a little crazy, but just go with me on this one. I'm thinking blue walls with red trim here. Look," she said as she pulled out several gallons of paint. "I even stopped by Sears before I came over. We can start painting now. We'll surprise Olivia."

Alex laughed and shook her head as she pulled her own hair back. Jess' enthusiasm for this was contagious. All of a sudden, she wanted to dip all the paintbrushes into that paint and just throw it onto the walls. "I think we'd better throw some drop cloths over everything or we're going to have one hell of a mess."

"Damn right we are," Jess said as she pulled out several large drop cloths. "That's why I brought these. Didn't think I'd come unprepared did you? Ready to get started?"

"Absolutely."

As Alex draped the drop cloths over all the furniture and opened and stirred the blue paint, Jess pulled out Alex's CD player and stuck in the CD she brought from home. Once she put it in, she went to help Alex finish getting everything prepped. When both she and Alex had a paintbrush in their hand, she pressed play.

_Listen, baby  
Ain't no mountain high  
Ain't no valley low  
Ain't no river wide enough, baby_

As soon as the music started playing, Alex laughed. She looked over at Jess and shook her head. Jess just raised her eyebrows playfully as she started dancing. "Come on, it's a fun song do dance to, and an even better one to paint to. Now start painting!" Alex rolled her eyes and dipped her brush into the paint. As she turned to put it onto the wall, she noticed Jess dancing around, smiling and singing along.

_If you need me, call me  
No matter where you are  
No matter how far  
Just call my name  
I'll be there in a hurry  
You don't have to worry_

Alex smiled at the girl when she understood what Jess was trying to do. Yes the song was upbeat and definitely a good pick to paint to, but Alex could see the look in Jess' eyes as she was dancing and singing along. Jess wanted to make sure Alex understood how she really felt. After an emotionally draining evening the night before, she was glad Jess had found a lighter, more upbeat way to express exactly what Olivia had already expressed to her: that she was loved, and that those around her would be there for her no matter what time, day or night, she needed them. There was no way she could put into words how grateful she was that Jess was playing that song. She smiled as she started painting the wall. "Thank you," she mouthed.

Jess smiled and winked before sticking her own paintbrush in the can and painting the wall. Her plan had worked. She was so scared she was going to come off looking cheesy and stupid, but it had worked exactly how she wanted. She continued singing along as she painted until the song was over, excited at how much fun the two of them were going to have putting the new house together.

_Don't you know that  
There ain't no mountain high enough  
Ain't no valley low enough  
Ain't no river wide enough  
To keep me from getting to you…_

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Casey was ready to rip the ringing phone out of the socket and sling it across the room. She knew she could shatter it into a million pieces, too, especially with all the softball experience she had. She looked at her caller id and was even more tempted to do just that. It was Kurt Simpkins, Jennings' top attorney in what appeared to be a team of six lawyers. She was really starting to hate rich people who used their wealth to squash others. In the past four months, he had been successful in appealing the court's ruling to allow the bloody underwear into evidence four times. He claimed it was outside the scope of the warrant. Each time, Casey had successfully argued that there had been no limitations on the warrant and that the evidence was admissible in court. Each time Casey won, Simpkins appealed. The last time had been three days ago, and he was calling again. She was sure he was going to appeal again. It was just another strategy to delay the trail as much as possible. He wanted to keep his client out of jail as long as he could. She rolled her eyes at the ringing phone as she picked it up.

"Novak."

"Casey! How are ya?" Simpkins voice was overly happy and excited, full of that bullshit, kiss-up enthusiasm.

"What do you want Simpkins?" Casey asked through clenched teeth, not in the mood to play games or argue with him. The shorter this conversation, the better.

He laughed. "Hostile, Casey. Is that any way to treat an old friend?" He chuckled smugly. "And here I thought you'd be glad to hear from me. After all, we have decided to stop appealing the admission of your bloody underwear."

"What do you want, Simpkins?" she asked again.

"To tell you that we've got a date in court. December twentieth. Ten a.m. Oh, and be sure to tell your boss that we'll be calling her to the stand. She's one of our key witnesses."

Before Casey could respond, the line went dead. She set the receiver down and stared at it in disbelief. The trial was in two weeks! Before any excitement could set in, however, worry engulfed her. Alex was one of the key witnesses for the defense? What the hell was going on? She was so angry she needed to throw something. She reached for the phone, but before she could throw it across the room, it rang. She would have ignored it had she not glimpsed at the caller id and noticed that it was Alex.

"Alex?" she answered.

"Casey?" Alex's panicky, terrified voice asked on the other end.

"Alex, what's wrong?"

"They want me to testify!" she screamed. "I have to testify on his behalf!" Her voice was full of pain and fear. "I can't do it, Casey! I can't!"

Casey closed her eyes and wiped away a tear. She wasn't sure how Simpkins had gotten away with this, especially since Jennings wasn't being charged with Alex's assault. The statute of limitations had expired years ago. There had to be something they had dug up in Alex's past – something Alex hadn't mentioned. "I'm coming over right now," she told Alex. "We're going to figure this out, I promise."

As she drove to Alex's house, she cursed the world. It was great that the trial was finally moving forward, but if this is what it took to make that happen, she'd delay it at all costs. This wasn't fair. She'd seen the photos and read what the police had been able to document. There was no doubt in her mind that Alex had been raped. All she could think was that by clouding Alex's story, the jury would be more likely to doubt the guilt of Jennings. Casey knew it was bullshit at best, especially with the evidence, but if Alex had been served, she had to appear in court. There was no arguing it. This was going to be hell.

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The doorbell rang and Olivia opened it slowly. Casey smiled sadly as Olivia let her inside. She hated that she had to do this. It was going to be even harder than when she had told Alex she knew her secret. She cursed herself for being put in this position again.

"How could this happen, Casey?" Olivia asked. "He's not being charged with her assault. Her story was only allowed in because it proved a pattern."

Casey nodded. "I know. I have no idea what's going on, but I need to talk to Alex, and I need to talk to her alone." She noticed Olivia back away defensively and she shook her head understandingly. "I know you want to be there for you, and I am so glad that she has someone like you to be there for her, but Olivia, I really need to find out what's going on."

Olivia sighed and nodded. She knew there may still be secrets Alex was hiding, secrets she wasn't ready to tell Olivia yet. She took a deep breath. Her throat was sore from crying so much with Alex. The woman had collapsed into hysterics when she'd received the notice. "She's in the bedroom," she said, her voice hoarse. "Go easy on her, Case. She's really upset."

"I will make this as painless as I possibly can, I promise." Casey said as she made her way to the bedroom. She knocked softly as she cautiously opened the door. Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, her face soaked with tears. "I'm so sorry, Alex," she said as she sat down and took her hand. "I had no idea they were going to pull this, I swear."

Alex nodded and smiled weakly. "I know you didn't. It's not your fault. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew why they want me to testify for him."

Casey closed her eyes, hating herself for what she was about to ask, but knowing it had to be done. "Alex, they got this past a judge, which means they found something that could be relevant. I'm so sorry but you know I have to ask this. Is there anything that happened, anything you may have done, that might arouse suspicion as to whether or not you were really raped?"

Alex recoiled in horror. She had known the question was coming, but hearing it still wasn't easy, especially coming out of a friend's mouth. She immediately got defensive. "I was raped, Casey!" she yelled angrily. "I'm not making it up!"

Casey hated herself for doing this. She squeezed Alex's hand supportively. "Oh, honey, I know. I know. We're going to make sure this bastard goes to jail for the rest of his life, I promise." She sighed. This was so damn hard. "I just need to know everything Alex, everything that happened prior to and after your attack. I need to know the events leading up to it. I promise you Alex I will prep the hell out of you for this, but we can't have any surprises in the courtroom. You know that better than anyone else."

"I can't, Casey. I can't!"

Casey sighed. "Look, I know how hard it is to admit when you're a victim." She noticed Alex's puzzled look and nodded. "A few years ago the body of a woman was found with money in her mouth. She'd been raped. After a little while, Olivia and Elliot found out the guy had raped several other women. Only one of them was willing to come forward. She was from Bosnia and she was Muslim. To make a long story short, the guy's lawyer called immigration because she was illegal. I won in court and allowed her to stay here if she testified. Her brother even picked her up at the courthouse and thanked me for letting her stay in the country. Later that night, Olivia and I were working on the case. She left to get coffee. The bastard came up and beat the shit out of me. I was in the hospital for days and had to use a stupid cane for weeks."

Alex's eyes widened. "Casey, I had no idea. Olivia never said anything…"

Casey nodded, "Yea, it's not exactly something we talk about everyday. We still had to prosecute, and I had to talk about everything. The worst part was that I couldn't remember a damn thing about the attack. I know what happened to me doesn't even compare to the hell you went through, but I just want you to know that on some level, I understand how hard it is to talk about what happened." She rubbed Alex's back gently. "I need to know everything, Alex. We need to be ready for anything."

She was right. Alex knew Casey needed to know everything, but that didn't make it any easier. She hadn't told Olivia this – she wasn't sure if she ever would tell her. Now, however, it looked like she might have to. She looked down to her lap and closed her eyes. "What if she hates me for it?"

And there it was. Casey cringed to know the defense had found something legible enough to get Alex on the stand. She gently rubbed her boss' back. "Nobody's going to hate you, sweetie. I promise."

Alex sat up straight and took a deep breath. Casey needed to hear everything. Jennings needed to go to jail for what he'd done. If this was the end of her relationship with Olivia, maybe it wasn't meant to be. She was willing to risk her new happiness to make sure this bastard rotted in hell. She found herself grabbing Casey's hand for support, and didn't even think twice about it.

"It's going to be okay Alex, I promise. It's okay."

She swallowed and took several deep breaths. "I was questioning my sexuality even then," she started. "There was this boy I thought was really cute, but at the same time, I found myself attracted to a girl from one of my classes. I remember talking to a few friends about it. I felt so bad because being gay was completely against everything my parents had ever taught me and I knew if I came out they'd disown me. So, I agreed to try to have sex with a guy friend of mine. He was two years older and promised to be gentle. It hurt the first time, but a few times later, I started really enjoying it." She laughed, embarrassed. She couldn't believe she was actually telling Casey this. When she felt Casey's hand gently rubbing her back, she tucked away her shame and continued. "I figured if I could have sex enough times with him, I wouldn't really be gay. It didn't work, but I tried anyway. I told a few people that I was trying to 'cure myself,' but I didn't tell anybody I didn't trust, and I only ever slept with the one guy!" Panic was setting in now, and it was coming fast. "They must have found out I was willing to just give myself away to not be gay! That has to be it, right?" She collapsed into Casey's open arms. It felt good to admit the truth, but now she was terrified that Olivia was going to leave her. "God, I feel like such a whore! I was thirteen years old and just giving myself up to him!"

"Hey," Casey said sternly. "You are not a whore, nor have you ever been. You were confused and scared, and you did what you felt was right. It's okay. I promise I will not let the defense paint you out to be a whore. They won't get away with that. They might argue that you wanted to have sex with him to try not to be gay," Casey said softly. "But I promise you I will object if they even hint at the possibility that you wanted this. I know you didn't want this, Alex. This wasn't your fault."

Alex continued to cry in Casey's arms until her eyes were dry. She was so glad Casey was prosecuting this case. There was no way she could ever have admitted this to anyone else. She sat up and forced a weak smile. "Thank you, Casey. You've gone way out of your way to make sure this case moved quickly and smoothly and I appreciate it more than I can say. You've been a great friend through all of this and…I thank you."

"Aw, Alex," Casey said modestly as she brushed the hair out of Alex's face. "You've been a great friend to me, too. You're like a sister to me. There's no way in hell I'd just let this case go."

"I know, and I thank you." She sighed. She had to tell Olivia before this went to trial. She slowly stood up. "I, uh, I need to talk to Olivia. I don't want to be rude and I know you just came over and I –"

Casey smiled and stood up. She wrapped one arm around Alex. "It's okay, I have some paperwork I need to fill out anyway." She smiled reassuringly. "Olivia is not going to hate you for this, I promise. She loves you too much. Call me if you need me?"

"I will. Thanks."

As soon as Casey left, Olivia joined Alex in the bedroom. She was careful not to make any quick or sudden moves, and she didn't want to touch Alex unless she knew it was okay. She wasn't sure what Alex had just revealed, but by the look on Casey's face, it had been difficult. She slowly sat down on the bed and waited for Alex to make the first move.

"I, um…" Alex started, terrified of admitting the truth to Olivia. "I haven't been completely honest with you. Before you react, just hear me out, okay? Please just let me explain before you hate me."

"Honey, I could never hate you!"

"Just promise to hear me out? Please!" Alex begged.

Alex's pain was killing Olivia. "Honey, just talk to me. I promise I'll listen. I promise I won't hate you."

"I'm a whore," she said suddenly.

"What? Alex, you're not –"

"Yes I am. I was thirteen and I was having sex nearly everyday with this kid so I wouldn't be gay anymore." She started speaking a mile a minute, figuring she just needed to get all of it out at once. "I thought that if I had enough sex, if I enjoyed the damn orgasms enough then I wouldn't be gay anymore. That's what the defense found out. I don't know how but they did, and now they're going to use it against me. They're going to prove that I'm a whore who got what she deserved." She looked up at Olivia, her eyes full of fear as she waited for Olivia's reaction.

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia said sadly as she took Alex's hand in hers. When Alex leaned against her, she rubbed her back gently. "You're not a whore. You're not at all a whore. You're a beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman and I love you so, so much."

"You mean you're not disgusted?"

"Disgusted?" Olivia asked, her voice full of concern and horror. "Oh honey, there's nothing about you that's disgusting. Nothing at all. I could never be disgusted by you. Never. I love you, Alex. I promise that is never going to change. Nothing that comes up in this trial is going to change how I feel about you."

Alex stayed in Olivia's arms for several minutes, concentrating on her words. She silently prayed that Olivia meant what she said. She didn't think she could handle it if Olivia walked out on her now.

"I have to tell Jess," she said after a while. "I have to tell her the truth before this trail starts. She needs to hear it from me. I need to be the one to tell her. The trial starts in two fucking weeks. I need to tell her now, Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. Do you want me to be there with you?"

She shook her head. "No. I need to do this alone. I just need to get it over with. She's coming over tomorrow to help finish painting. I'll tell her then. I'm so sorry we left the house such a mess. We were just so tired. We'll clean up when we're done, I promise."

"It's okay. I'll help you clean up later. You just focus on what you need to do. Don't force anything out, Alex. Please take your time. Jess is going to be there for you, I know it, but don't force yourself to talk about something if you're not ready. She won't hate you if you leave out some things. She's a good kid. She'll still love you."

Alex nodded. As they climbed into bed, she curled tight against Olivia. As painful as it was telling others her story, and knowing they knew her secret, it was also a huge relief. It was worth the pain if it meant other people in her life were willing to help carry her burdens. She felt lucky to have so many amazing people in her life. To her surprise, as she lay falling asleep, she wasn't that scared to tell Jess what happened to her. The thing that terrified her the most was telling Jess that she only existed because of a rapist. She wasn't sure how she was going to tell her that, but she knew she had to. As she drifted off to sleep, she prayed she could find the right words when the time came.


	23. The spitting image of her

Disclaimer: I really wish I knew Dick Wolf. Does he have any kids? Maybe I could marry one and inherit these characters someday.

Okay, wishful thinking, I know. On with this angst-filled story…

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"Casey's letting me crash at her place tonight," Olivia told Alex as she was getting ready for work. "Jess should be over soon." She lightly kissed Alex and gave her an encouraging smile. "Tell her what you feel comfortable telling her, honey. It'll be okay. Call me if you need anything. If I'm chasing after an asshole, call Casey. She doesn't have to be in court at all today so she's getting caught up on paperwork. I'm sure she'd welcome an interruption."

Alex nodded and sighed. "Thanks, Liv, for everything." She looked away and nervously rubbed her hands together before turning to look back at Olivia. "I'm so sorry – I feel like I'm kicking you out and-""

"Honey, relax," Olivia said sternly as she gently rubbed Alex's shoulders. "It's okay. You're not kicking me out permanently. You just need your space when you talk to Jess. I get it. It's okay."

"You promise you're not mad?"

Olivia smiled. "I promise."

As Olivia walked down the driveway and got into her car, Alex noticed Jess coming down the street. She smiled as the two women stopped their cars and had a brief conversation. She couldn't believe they were both still such a big part of her life. They had both just accepted her, no questions asked, even after they found out her secret. Granted, Jess didn't know any of the details, but Alex wasn't worried about that at the moment. Jess pulled into the driveway and she went out to greet her. Before she could pull out the paint, however, Alex stopped her.

"Jess," she said nervously. "Before you drag all that out, could we uh, could we just go inside?" Her voice was shaky, and she was trying her best to keep from breaking down at least until they were inside. "There something I need to talk to you about."

Jess looked up and, noticing the fear and pain in Alex's eyes, nodded understandingly. She hadn't exactly come prepared for this conversation – she wasn't sure what she was going to say to Alex – but she was more than willing to give it her best shot. She rubbed Alex's shoulder. "Casey finally got that trial date set, huh?"

Alex nodded slowly as she led Jess inside. "Yeah, she did. It's in two weeks."

Jess' eyes widened in surprise. "That soon, huh? It's about damn time this got started." She and Alex sat down on the foldout couch in the spare bedroom. The living room was still a mess and she understood that Alex didn't want to have this conversation in her own bedroom. Jess looked up and noticed just how much fear was in Alex's eyes. It was almost unbearable to see, and she would have done anything to alleviate it. "You okay?"

"I don't know," Alex answered honestly. She took a deep breath. "The defense is calling me as a witness."

"Oh my God," Jess said, her jaw dropping in surprise. She knew what that meant. It meant that Alex had to testify on her rapist's behalf. _What the hell?_ She wondered as she rubbed Alex's back. _How the hell could the defense get away with something like this?_ When Alex looked up, Jess tried to smile. "What can I do?" she asked gently. When Alex just looked uncomfortably away, she squeezed her hand. "I know this isn't easy Alex, and I applaud everything you're doing right now. Please, if there's anything I can do to make it easier, please tell me."

Alex squeezed Jess' hand in return. She forced a smile as a few tears fell from her eyes. Jess' eyes were so full of love and acceptance that she knew she would be able to recount the details of her own rape without much difficulty. It was going to be much harder telling Jess about her father. Alex inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "I want you to hear all the details from me, not sitting in the courtroom or hearing it on the news."

Jess took a moment to absorb what Alex had just told her. She shook her head. "Don't tell me if you're not ready, Alex," she said sternly, yet lovingly. "I'll avoid the courtroom if I have to and I rarely watch the news anyway."

"No," Alex said, her voice void of any discernable emotion. "I want you in that courtroom." She paused for a moment. "I need you in that courtroom." She took a deep breath as Jess nodded in agreement. Her eyes were fixed right on her – there was no turning back now. She would tell her about her own rape first. If she felt up to it, she would tell Jess about her mother.

"Then I'll be in that courtroom." She gently rubbed Alex's back. "You're an amazing woman, Alex. I don't think I've ever met a woman with more strength and beauty than you have." She took a deep breath and smiled. Alex was terrified of telling her everything; she could see it in her eyes. "I'm right here, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

Alex nodded. It was now or never. She took Jess' hand, and when Jess gave her a gentle squeeze, she felt relief was over her. "I guess I should start off by telling you that I was born Sarah Cabot. I changed my name to Alex when I turned eighteen. Alex was my sister – your mother. I couldn't be Sarah anymore. So much had happened to her, and I needed to be someone stronger. I just had to wait until I was eighteen so I could legally change my name." She shook her head. "Anyways, I was thirteen when it happened. My parents went out for the weekend, or maybe it was just for the night, I can't remember." She shook her head. "Anyway, I was in my room cleaning when he came in. He hit me with something and everything went black. When I came to, I was naked and my wrists were duct taped to my bed. He spread my legs and duct taped them to the foot posts. I still can't stand the sound of duct tape being ripped from the roll. Freaks me out like you wouldn't believe." She took a deep breath and grinded her teeth. She would not let herself cry, not now, not when she was this close. "He laughed and told me he was going to make me ugly as he put a piece of tape over my mouth to keep me quiet. God his eyes, they were so full of hatred and excitement. He was actually excited about what he was about to do. The entire thing thrilled him. He pulled a carving knife out of his bag and started cutting me…" she recounted every detail she could possibly remember. She told Jess about being raped twice, once after being cut and once after he burned her with his cigarettes. She told Jess about what she had to call herself as the pervert sucked her, about everything. For most of it, she said it through clenched teeth, trying her best to keep the tears away. Finally, she told Jess about what the defense had found on her, about how she had so willingly given herself to the guy, and how she just wanted to cure herself of being gay. She shook her head in defeat as Jess pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her. "I'm such a whore…" she said as sobs overtook her.

Jess hadn't been prepared for Alex's story to be that horrific. She hadn't been prepared for Alex to have suffered so much. Of course, she hadn't gone into the conversation with any expectations, but after hearing the true horror Alex experienced, she started crying. "No, sweetie," she said as she gently rubbed Alex's back. "You're not a whore." She gently rocked Alex and ignored her own tears as they fell down her cheeks. "You are so amazing."

After crying until she couldn't cry anymore, Alex sat up. She looked down into her lap and sighed. There was one more thing Jess needed to see, one more thing that was going to be shown to everybody involved with this trial. She looked back up at Jess. "I need to show you…" she drifted off, looking down towards her abdomen. When Jess nodded, understanding that Alex didn't want her to be in the courtroom when she really saw her for the first time, she closed her eyes. Slowly but surely she removed both her shirt and shorts, so she was wearing only her bra and underwear. She refused to make eye contact with Jess for several seconds, then put her clothes back on and stood up, making her way towards the door.

"I'm ugly, aren't I?"

Jess closed her eyes and wiped away the tears. She stood up and slowly put a hand on Alex's back. When Alex turned around, Jess wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tight. "No," she said firmly. "You're beautiful. I thought that the first time I saw you, and nothing's changed my opinion. You're a beautiful woman, Alex. Absolutely beautiful."

Olivia had seen her. Casey had seen her. Now Jess had seen her. She had been convinced that all three of them would run screaming the second they saw what she was hiding, but none of them had done that. None of them had even hinted at the possibility that they thought of her as ugly. They all told her she was beautiful. If one had told her that, she would have thought of it as a fluke. Two would have been amazing. Three was simply a miracle. She wrapped her arms tightly around her niece. "Thank you, Jess."

Jess sniffled and smiled as she pulled out of the hug. She shook her head modestly. "You don't have to –"

"_Thank you,_" Alex said again. This girl was horrible at accepting thank- yous.

"Fine. You're welcome."

She wasn't ready to tell Jess about her father, not yet at least. She looked out the bedroom door and saw the mess in the living room. Three of the five walls were a lovely shade of blue, which left two more and then the trim. She smiled. "I bet we can crank that living room out before dinner," Alex joked.

Jess looked at her watch. It was five minutes before one. She smiled. "I bet we can finish before four."

Alex smiled playfully. "You're on."

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Casey walked in her front door and was surprised to see Steve lying on the couch. She furrowed her eyebrows and joined him. "Oprah?" she asked, surprised. "Since when do you watch Oprah?"

He smiled. "Since it's the only show on right now that doesn't completely bore the hell out of me." He rolled over and looked at her suspiciously. "What are you doing home so early?"

She slipped her arm around him and gently kissed his cheek. "I only have the Jennings case and right now I'm done my paperwork. All I really have left to do is prepare my opening statement, which of course I'm procrastinating. I feel so bad but I can't do it right now. I have to go look over everything and I'm dreading it more than you can imagine." She looked away. "I don't want to have to ask Alex those questions. I don't want her to have to endure the torture the defense is going to throw at her. I just don't want any of this trial to happen. Can't there just be some magical wand or something so I can put Jennings in jail without this stupid trial?" She sighed. None of this was fair. Not a bit of it. "I wish there was more I could do to help her."

He kissed her softly. "You are an amazing woman, Casey," he told her. "You're doing everything you can, I know you are. That woman is lucky you're in her life. Believe me honey, she's not going to be angry with you about this trial. She might get angry and say things that she doesn't mean, but she won't get angry because of anything you've done. You're going to nail this bastard and finally allow her to get a peaceful sleep."

She leaned against him and closed her eyes. "You're too good to me. What did I do to ever deserve you?"

"You were you."

She sighed. "This is the hardest case I've ever tried, Steve. Yes my evidence is solid and I have a few of those girls who are willing to testify against him. It's a slam-dunk case and yet I still feel like it's the hardest. Why?"

"Because this time it's personal. This time it's your best friend." As she started crying, he kissed the top of her head. "You're a good person, Casey. I love you more than you could ever imagine."

"I'm so sorry this has taken so much of my time. I dropped all my other cases so we could spend more time together and yet here I am working on this one nearly as long as I worked on all my others combined. Steve, I –"

"Shh," he said softly. "It's okay. I would never ask you to drop this case, honey. Never. I know you want to spend more time with me and believe me I want to do the same with you, but this is more important. Alex's case has to be your number one priority right now Casey. She's too important to all of us to just push it off."

She closed her eyes, ready to fall asleep in his arms. "Thank you."

"I love you, Casey."

"I love you, too."

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Allen looked at the papers on his desk. Jess had stopped halfway through four projects so she could be with Alex tonight. He admired her more than he could ever express in words. Looking at all the designs she had laid out, he realized she had already picked out all the color schemes and placements for all the images. He smiled as he sat down at the computer and began piecing everything together. Jess didn't need to come home to the stress of four projects, all of which were due soon. It would be a huge relief for her to be able to come home and just relax. He knew that, after spending time with Alex, there was a huge possibility that Jess would come home emotionally exhausted. Jess loved that woman so much, and he loved her for it, but it was still hard to see his fiancé suffering so much. He shook his head, honored to be engaged so someone so willing to help others, no matter what the cost.

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Jess lost the bet. It was nearly six-thirty by the time they finished the living room. They had a quick bite to eat from the corner deli before heading back to the house to continue decorating. Both women agreed that they would do as much as they physically could, then crash and continue the following day.

As they were setting the pictures out on the shelves in the bedroom, Alex smiled at the frame she pulled out of the box. She looked up at Jess, who was staring at the wall, trying to figure out which pictures should go where. She smiled. "Do you want to see a picture of her?"

Jess turned around, confused. "Who?"

"Your mom."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Yeah." She went over and sat down next to Alex, who then handed her the frame. It was an old picture. She swallowed as she realized what she was looking at. It was her mother, holding her and sitting in a hammock. She was only a few days old, judging by the picture. She took a deep breath. "I didn't realize I looked that much like her," she said softly.

"You're the spitting image of her." Alex said sadly. She wiped away a tear. "She really loved you, Jess. I want you to know that. She really, really loved you."

Jess felt her own eyes tearing up and even wiped a few away. "I wish I could have met her. She looks so happy here. You must really miss her."

Alex nodded. "I do miss her. I wish I could have had more time with her." She laughed. "She taught me how to ride my bike. Our parents were always too busy and she and her friends would always bike around the neighborhood. I got so jealous that I couldn't keep up on my stupid tricycle. So, one weekend, she decided she was going to get me up on her old two-wheeler if it killed her. I skinned my knees pretty badly a few times, but by the end of the weekend, I was biking around with them." She wiped away more tears, remembering all the good times she'd had with her sister. "I love you, Lexy," she said to the photo in Jess' hands. "I miss you so much." She handed Jess the picture. "Here, you take it. I've got plenty."

Jess took the picture and let Alex lean her head on her shoulder as she rubbed her back. As she stared at the picture, she cursed the world for not giving her the chance to know her mother. She wanted to badly to know the woman who gave birth to her. Somehow, a picture just wasn't enough to satisfy what she so desperately needed. She sighed in defeat, knowing that what she needed would never come. She would never know her mother. All she could do now was hope that she could move on and accept the facts.

"Jess, I think you need to know something, and I don't really know how to say it," Alex said suddenly.

Jess looked up, tears pouring down her cheeks. "What is it?"

Alex sighed. She couldn't believe she was actually doing this. There was really no easy way to do it, so she decided to just come out and say it. "Your mother, my sister," she said, then paused before finishing. "Was raped. The man who raped her also raped me…" she trailed off, giving Jess time to absorb everything.

_My father's a rapist?_ Jess thought in disbelief. _The only reason I exist is because of this sick pervert_? She shook her head furiously and closed her eyes tight. "No," she said angrily. "No, no, no, no, no. Oh God, please no." She couldn't deal with it. She heard Alex calling her name, but it didn't seem real to her. It sounded more like someone far off, calling to her but not able to reach her. She couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that her father was a rapist. She had a rapist's blood running through her veins. She felt Alex wrapping her arms around her, but a hug was the last thing she wanted right now. She threw Alex off her and started flailing her arms wildly in an attempt to get all the anger out. It wasn't until she heard Alex cry out in pain that she opened her eyes. Guilt overtook her anger as she saw Alex covering her mouth, blood dripping down her chin.

"Oh, God, Alex, I'm so sorry." She stood to go get a rag. "I'll be right back." She couldn't believe she'd just hit Alex. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a rag and some ice cubes, then returned to Alex. She put the ice in the rag and handed it to Alex, who in turn put it to her cut lip. "I'm so sorry," she said again.

Alex shook her head. "It's okay. I'm sorry I just dropped that on you."

Jess looked away sadly. "How can you still love me?"

"What?"

"How can you still love me?" Jess asked again in desperation. "How could you possibly love me? I look just like your sister, Alex. How are you not constantly reminded of her every time you see me? How are you not constantly reminded of what happened to the both of you every time you lay eyes on me?" She looked away. "How can I be anything else to you other than a constant reminder of the pain you went through?"

Alex hugged Jess with her free arm. "Hey, stop," she said sternly. "I love you, Jessica. You bring me so much joy that there's simply no room for pain. I admit that when you first walked into my apartment all I could think about was that man on top of my sister –"

"You saw it?"

"Yeah. I was hiding in the closet."

The extent of Alex's pain only seemed to grow with every second. How much had this poor woman been through? "Oh God, Alex…"

She nodded. "It was terrifying. But that's not the point. The point right now is that you are an amazing, wonderful woman Jess, and I love you for everything you've done for me. You've helped me more than you could possibly imagine. Yes you remind me of my sister, but you in no way remind me of what happened. It's hard, sometimes, to know that the niece I love so much only exists because of that man, but it's not your fault this happened. Don't punish yourself, Jess. I love you. Please understand that."

Jess wiped away a tear and tried to smile, but found that she couldn't. "I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do. I just feel so…so gross, so disgusting. His blood is my blood. He –"

"It's okay." Alex took Jess into her arms and let her cry. Jess had been so strong for her. Now it was her turn to be strong for Jess. "It's okay, honey. You're not disgusting, I promise."

They sat like that for several minutes before finally deciding it was time to go to bed. They would finish the rest of the decorating and cleaning tomorrow. Both women were exhausted, and as they climbed into bed – Alex in her own and Jess in the spare bedroom – both wondered what would happen next. Neither knew what exactly was going to happen at this trial. Alex wasn't sure if she could hold herself together with everything happening so quickly, and Jess wasn't sure how she was going to handle dealing with being a rapist's daughter. It was almost too much for them to take, but as they fell asleep, they thought about each other, and all the people in their lives. They knew that with their friends' support, they would make it through.


	24. He's my father

Disclaimer: I really wish I knew Dick Wolf. Does he have any kids? Maybe I could marry one and inherit these characters someday.

Okay, wishful thinking, I know. On with this angst-filled story…

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The first thing Jess did when she walked into her apartment was go over to her desk to check on her current projects. She gasped in horror when she realized all four of them were missing. _What the hell?_ Frantically, she searched all the drawers and the floor around the desk, but still found nothing. She rummaged through the papers on the nightstand by her bed, but still found nothing. She was about to start crying when she heard Allen laughing behind her. She spun around quickly and angrily. "What the _hell_ is so funny, Allen?" she asked furiously. "I have to find those projects! They're due in less than a week!"

"I know," he said, smiling. He loved playing games like this with her. It amused him immensely to see her get this worked up, only to have her calmed down by something simple that he'd done. He slowly walked over to her and pulled his hands out from behind his back. In them he held the four tri-fold brochures, all finished. He winked as her jaw dropped in surprise. "I knew they had to be done soon," he said as he handed them to her.

She carefully flipped through them. They were perfect. He'd paid attention to every single little detail, even the shading for the background of the stupid peach tree that had been giving her such a hard time. She wiped away a tear and looked up at him gratefully. "Allen, how did you…"

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He kissed her gently on the lips and held her face in his hands. He rubbed his thumbs along her cheekbones and smiled. "I knew you really wanted to be with Alex and help her get situated in the new house. I figured it was the least I could do." He felt her body tense as he mentioned Alex's name. He closed his eyes, wishing he could take away all the pain that woman was in. "How is she, by the way? Did you finish decorating the house?"

Jess sighed as she sat down on the sofa and felt Allen sit next to her and wrap his hands around her gently. "We're getting there," she said. "The living room's finished. We painted it blue with a nice red trim. It looks pretty good actually. Alex and Olivia seem to really like it…" her voice trailed off. She was obviously trying to hide something.

"That's good," he said, trying to encourage her to keep talking. He could tell something was wrong. It seemed something was always wrong when she came back from visiting Alex, though he in no way blamed the woman. It was amazing how much he had seen her grow just in the few months that he'd known her. Still, it hurt him to see Jess coming home time and time again hurting so much. He rubbed her back gently. "Is everything okay?"

She shook her head and leaned against him. "The defense served her with a subpoena. They want her to testify on Jennings' behalf." She wiped away a tear and bit her lower lip. "Alex has to testify on her rapist's behalf."

"Oh, God," he said. It never seemed to end for Alex. It was just one thing after another. The only light at the end of this very dark tunnel was that the evidence against Jennings was solid. That man would rot in jail for the rest of his life.

"She opened up to me last night, Allen," Jess said softly. "She told me everything, and I mean everything. There was so much. Allen, that man really hurt her. I guess she wanted me to hear it from her instead of hearing it in the courtroom or on the news. She didn't get to tell Casey and I think that was really hard for her. She wanted to tell me." She sighed. "It was terrible. She's been through so much…"

"And she's lucky she has you to be there for her." He kissed her lightly on the lips and smiled, completely happy that the two of them were engaged. They hadn't set a date yet and, while he was excited to start on the planning, now wasn't the time to broach the topic. Jess was emotionally exhausted, and he just wanted to relax and have a nice, quiet evening with the woman he loved. "How about we take a nice long bath and climb into bed? You look like you could use some relaxation."

"That sounds like a wonderful plan," she said as she kissed him and stood up. She helped him up off the couch and they made their way into the bathroom. Allen turned on the water as Jess grabbed the towels and added some bath salts. As they climbed in together, Jess allowed herself to be completely engulfed in the scented steam. She closed her eyes and tried to will away all the pain she knew Alex was going through, and, perhaps even more, she tried to forget the fact that Jennings was her father. Allen's arms were so strong around her, and she felt safe resting in them. She knew she was loved. It was a miracle, in her opinion, that somebody actually loved her. With all her little quirks and imperfections, she had been sure nobody ever would. Now, however, all her dreams were coming true.

They climbed into bed that night and she curled up against him. "Can I ask you something Allen?"

He smiled and moved the hair out of her face. "Anything."

"If a woman is raped, and gets pregnant, how do you think that child would turn out?"

"What do you mean?"

She swallowed. "I mean, would it be a lovable child? Could somebody possibly love a child who only exists because of a heinous act?"

He took a deep breath, not really sure where she was going with the conversation. "I think that we choose whether or not we're lovable through our actions, not our genes. We can't control whose cells mix together to form us, but we can choose what we do with our lives. If we're good people, we're lovable, no matter whose blood runs through our veins." He cocked his head and studied her face. "Does that answer your question?"

She smiled and kissed him. "Yes…thank you."

As they laid there, her head resting against his chest, Allen wondered what was going on in her mind. He had no idea what had brought about those questions, but he didn't dare ask right now. She was slowly drifting off to sleep, and he didn't want to upset her by asking difficult questions. Jess was an interesting woman, he'd learned that very quickly after they began dating. She wasn't one to open up and trust easily, but once she trusted you, she would usually tell you what was bothering her. Sometimes, it just took a little longer for her to find the right words. He kissed her forehead when he knew she was asleep. "I'm here when you're ready sweetie. I love you."

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Olivia returned home to see Alex cleaning up the living room, and trying desperately to hide a very obviously busted lip. She first tried to hide it in her mouth, in an attempt to appear as if she were nervously biting it, but that quickly failed. Then she tried to just keep herself from facing Olivia, but that failed, too. She decided to just smile and try to pretend like nothing was wrong as she wrapped up the drop cloths and put them in the corner so they could use them when they painted the next room.

"Hey," Olivia said, concerned. "What happened?" She walked over and frowned at Alex's lip.

Alex felt Olivia's hand gently graze her lip and smiled. She took Olivia's hand in hers and moved it away. She shook her head. "Nothing, it's okay," she said truthfully.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. It had obviously been a very painful incident. The cut wasn't just a little accident. Something, or someone, had hit Alex, and hard. "Honey, that's not nothing. That's one seriously busted lip. What happened?"

Alex shrugged Olivia's hands away and turned around to finish cleaning up the mess. "I told Jess about her father," she said simply, then continued cleaning. She didn't want to deal with this right now.

"And she hit you?" Olivia asked, the anger in her voice more noticeable than she had intentioned.

"Hey," Alex said, trying to defend Jess. "I hit Casey with an ashtray and put her in the hospital for two days. A little punch to the lip is nothing." She sighed. "She didn't even mean to do it. She was shaking her hands around and trying to make sense of everything and I tried to hug her."

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. Was she losing weight? Olivia couldn't tell, but she made a mental note to make sure Alex ate something at dinner that night. The impending trial was undoubtedly wreaking havoc on Alex's emotions. "Is she okay?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. I mean…I think so, but I really don't know. It was kind of awkward when she left this morning. She just kind of woke up and said she had a lot to do at home and left. We didn't really talk about it. I think she just needed to be alone to deal with this." Alex looked up and met Olivia's eyes. "I didn't know what to say to her."

Olivia nodded. "It's okay. There's not really a whole lot you can say in a situation like that. It's a hard thing to deal with, and I'm sure it's even harder knowing her father is responsible for…" she paused, "All of your pain."

Closing her eyes, Alex let a few tears fall. "She asked me how I could still love her. She wanted to know how I could still love her after knowing who her father is and how much she looks like my sister. Liv, she was so hurt. I hated telling her but I had to."

"It's okay sweetie, it's okay. Let me talk to her. I'll see if I can help."

"You'd do that?"

"Of course I would. She's the niece of the most beautiful woman in the world – the niece of the woman I love more than anyone else. Why wouldn't I want to help her? Besides, she's a good kid. She needs to know we don't hate her."

"Thank you."

Olivia kissed her softly. "Anytime."

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Casey had invited Alex to lunch in an attempt to talk to her about the trial, which was now only four days away. She wanted to make sure Alex was as ready as possible for whatever the defense would throw at her. It killed her to know that the defense was pulling this, and that she was going to have to ask Alex some extremely difficult questions, but there was no getting out of it. The trial was soon, and they had to be prepared.

"I should have known this was more than just a lunch date," Alex said as she entered Casey's office and saw all the folders spread out all over the desk. She was half tempted to make up an excuse to leave, but decided against it. She knew Casey needed to be completely ready for this trial. It was going to be a hellish one, and Alex, too, needed to be prepared.

"I just want to make sure we're ready, Alex. I don't want to lose this case."

The intensity in Casey's eyes was almost more than Alex could handle. She knew the woman was determined to win every single one of her cases, but there was something more now, something she'd never seen in Casey before. She sat down slowly in front of Casey. "You won't lose this case. You've got your evidence – and a hell of a lot of it at that. You've got your witnesses. You'll win this one honey, it's okay."

Casey looked away. Alex was right, she knew that. She knew that the bloody underwear had all been perfect DNA matches to Jennings' victims and that he would be charged with eleven of the twenty – three rapes. The statute of limitations had expired on the others, but she wasn't worried about that. One of the attacks had even ended in the death of Rebecca Hower. That meant a sure needle in the arm. Still, she hated that Alex had to be put on the stand, and she was terrified that the defense had found something that could possibly ruin the case. "I just don't want to disappoint you."

"Hey," Alex said as she grabbed Casey's hand. She ignored all the documents and crime scene photos that were spread across the desk. "You won't disappoint me. That's not possible anyway. Jennings is going to go to jail and it's all because of you." She smiled encouragingly as Casey finally made eye contact with her. "You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you've done for me, Case. I know you've worked your ass off on this one, jumped through hoops I would never even dream of jumping through, and worked longer hours than should be legal. I could never be disappointed in you." She squeezed Casey's hand and wiped away a tear.

Casey forced a smile. "It's just…I don't know, I mean…what he did, I just…dammit," she cursed as she shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to figure out what she was trying to say. "I want to make sure he gets that needle in his arm for what he did. I've respected you since before I even knew you were alive. When I found out you were alive and you were coming back, I was terrified that I would have to compete with you – you were the best of the best, Alex, hell, you still are. I think I was even more terrified when I first found out you would be my boss because then I would have to live up to your expectations. I just, I want to win this one for you. I have to win this one."

"And you will," Alex said gently. She smiled lovingly as she realized just how much this was affecting Casey. Casey's nervous ramblings proved how much Alex meant to her. In trying not to cry and confessing to Alex how worried she was that she would be a huge disappointment, Casey had proven her loyalty. Casey had proven how much she really cared about and loved her. Alex squeezed her hands. "Thank you, Casey."

Casey looked up, tears threatening to fall at any moment. "For what?"

"Everything."

She took a deep breath and swallowed, trying to push away all her emotions and focus on the case at hand. "Let's do this. Let's get this damn trial over with so we can get on with our lives, huh?"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

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Just as Jess was about to step into the shower, she heard the phone ring. Allen had gone to the store and their answering machine was broken, so she knew she had to answer it. She quickly wrapped a towel around herself and ran down the hallway. She turned the corner too fast, slammed her shoulder into the wall, then stubbed her toe on the coffee table. _This had better be really fucking important_, she cursed as she limped over and answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Jess, it's Liv."

"Oh, hey, how are you?"

"I'm good, and yourself?"

"Good. I was just about to hop in the shower though. Do you mind if I call you back when I'm done?"

"Actually," Olivia said hesitantly. "This'll be quick. I was just wondering if maybe I could stop by sometime around dinner tomorrow night. Alex and I talked and now I think you and I need to have a little conversation."

There was no anger in her voice, yet for some reason Jess still felt the need to defend herself. She clenched her teeth as she spoke. "I didn't hit her on purpose, Olivia. I would never do that."

"Oh, honey, I know," Olivia said. "I'm not upset with you. I just need to talk to you. Is that okay?"

Jess sighed in defeat. If Olivia wanted to talk to her after talking to Alex about the previous night's incident, Jess didn't want to have that conversation. Still, she knew she was going to eventually have to speak to the woman. "Fine. Come over tomorrow at seven. I'll make sure I give Allen plenty of errands to run." She hung up the phone before Olivia could respond. She felt bad, but the news Alex had dropped on her had nearly torn her apart. As she stepped into the shower, she turned on the water as hot as she could stand it and wished she could wash away all the dirtiness that was flowing through her.

"Jess, it's like a sauna in here," Allen's voice suddenly called out, jolting her back into reality. He opened the shower door and wiped his hand in front of his face in an attempt to see through the steam. "Honey, what's wrong?" he asked, his voice full of concern. He knew she never had the water turned up this hot.

"I'm fine," she said angrily.

He took off his clothes and stepped into the shower with her, cringing at the hot temperature, but deciding slightly red skin was worth it. "No you're not. What's wrong? You've been really off ever since you came back from Alex's last night."

"I'm fine, Allen."

"No you're not. Talk to me, Jess. Don't close up. I'm right here and I love you."

"I'm unlovable."

"What?" He asked in complete shock. "Honey, why would you say something like that?"

"Because it's true."

"Honey, what –"

"He's my father, Allen!" she exclaimed as she burst into tears. She felt him wrap his arms around her and she turned to face him, burying her face in his chest and allowing herself to cry. "Robert Jennings is my father," she said softly as he rubbed her back.

He closed his eyes sadly. Just when he thought this entire situation couldn't get any worse, it did. How much pain had this man inflicted? He looked down at his fiancé, feeling her shoulders rise and fall with her silent sobs. He gently stroked her back and kissed the top of her head. "It's okay, honey, let it out. Let it all out." They stood there like that until all the hot water ran out. He gently picked her up and carried her out of the shower. She was so emotionally drained that she didn't even have the strength to move. He slowly dried her off and helped her into her pajamas. As they climbed into bed, he wrapped his arms around her. "I love you, Jessica. Don't you dare ever forget that. He may be your biological father, but that's all he is. He has nothing to do with the person you've become. _Nothing._ I love you."

"I love you too," she said softly as she closed her eyes. It was a huge relief to hear him say that he still loved her. She had tried to convince herself that she was still worthy of his love, but until he had told her so, she couldn't make herself believe it. Now all she had to do was try to believe that Alex could still love her. As she let sleep overtake her, she knew that was going to be harder. Maybe Olivia would be able to help convince her. _I hope so_, she thought as she fell asleep.

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The doorbell rang just as Jess was setting the dishes on the table. She looked at her watch. Seven o'clock on the dot. _Could you be any more punctual,_ she thought as she shook her head. She was dreading this conversation. She had convinced Allen to go out to a movie with Elliot and Steve, which meant she had the house to herself for the night. She straightened the wrinkles out of her pants and opened the door.

"Hey," Olivia said softly as she presented a bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese. "I figured it would be rude if I didn't bring anything. This is really the only thing I know how to cook well."

Jess took it and invited her in, shutting the door behind her. "You didn't have to do that. I have a semi-decent meal ready. Do you like salmon?"

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Please tell me you didn't spend all day cooking this."

She shook her head. "It was frozen. I just threw it in the oven for an hour and…voila." She took the macaroni and cheese and sat it down on the table as Olivia sat down in one of the chairs. She nervously started serving herself at Jess' request as Jess poured two glasses of water. "Is she angry with me or something?" Jess asked as she sat down.

"What?" Olivia looked up, confused. She put her fork down and frowned. "Oh, no. She's not angry at you at all. She feels really bad for upsetting you but she's not angry, I promise."

"I swear I didn't mean to hit her." She looked away and swallowed, trying not to cry. "I must remind her so much of him, every time she looks at me."

_What the hell am I supposed to say to that_, Olivia wondered. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "One night, during my mother's junior year in college, she was walking back to her apartment from the library. It was late and she decided to take a short cut across the park." She paused for several seconds. "A man came up behind her and threw her to the ground. He raped her…nine months later, I was born."

Jess looked up, her eyes wide in shock. Now she understood why Olivia had come over to talk to her. She hadn't wanted to yell at her for hitting Alex. She hadn't wanted to come over and make her relive that conversation. She had come over to let Jess know that she understood. "I…I…" she had no idea what to say.

"You need to know that it doesn't matter whose genes combined with whose to form you, Jess. I'm sure at some points, when Alex sees you, she thinks of her sister and everything that happened, but those points are few and far between. Jess, Alex loves you so, so much. When she looks at you, she knows that she's loved. She knows she's lovable. You have helped her so much more than you could ever imagine." Olivia grabbed Jess' hand and squeezed gently. "Don't close up, Jess. Don't push her away. I know this isn't easy to deal with, believe me. It took me a long time to convince myself that I was capable of being loved. Trust me honey, the genes don't make the person. The person makes the person."

Jess smiled thankfully. She wasn't completely convinced – hell, she wasn't sure if she would ever be completely convinced – that she was truly capable of being loved, but for now, she was okay. She knew she couldn't control her gene pool. All she could do was try to be the best person she could be and hope that that was enough. She sighed. "Thanks, Liv."

"You're a good kid, Jess, and you're damned important to Alex. She loves you, and right now she's going to need you more than ever. I know this isn't easy, and I will understand if you don't feel comfortable doing it, especially with this new information you've just been handed, but she really wants you in that courtroom. I think she needs you to be there for her."

Jess nodded. "I know. I'll be there."

"Good." She swallowed the last of her dinner and stood to leave. "I'm sorry to cut this short but Alex and I are going to try to figure out the kitchen tonight. We've been in this house too damned long not to have unpacked the dishes yet."

Jess laughed. "Go," she said, ushering her to the door. "And Liv…thanks."

"No problem."

"Good night."

"'Night Jess."

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I tried to get the story of Olivia's mom's rape right. I don't even know if she ever told the whole thing, but if she did and I got it wrong, let me know. I think that's what happened, but I could just be making it up…


	25. I am beautiful

Disclaimer: I really wish I knew Dick Wolf. Does he have any kids? Maybe I could marry one and inherit these characters someday.

When I first started writing this story, I said to myself, "Jen, no sex scenes. You're no good at them," which is really the truth. I suck at sex scenes. I'm not exactly a romantic, erotic writer. But this chapter contains a teeny weeny one. I tried. Be critical if you wish, I don't care. I actually want to know your opinions, so please review. I had to do it though.

Oh, and this is a longish chapter…sorry. Enjoy!

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Casey stirred restlessly as she cursed her inability to fall back asleep for the hundredth time that night. Her mind kept drifting off to all the girls she was going to have to talk to during the trial, all the questions she was going to have to answer, all the horror she was going to have to make them relive. She opened her eyes and looked at the clock. _Four fucking thirty,_ she thought angrily to herself. She groaned as she climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Steve, and made her way into the living room to look over her notes for the case, which started tomorrow. She didn't really need to review them. She'd gone over them enough by now that she had everything memorized. Still, it was the only thing she could concentrate on, so she figured she might as well make sure she had all the details right.

"Rachael Hower, nine…Rebecca Hower, eleven," she mumbled to herself as she looked at the file for the umpteenth time. "Both raped, stabbed, and burned…Rebecca died in surgery…" she began pacing back and forth with the file in her hands. Rachael was one of four girls who were willing to testify, and Casey was dreading having to put her on the stand. She was the youngest and had undoubtedly gone through more hell than any of the others, if only because she had lost her sister. Casey closed her eyes and tried to think. This was harder than any case she could remember trying, mostly because the damage this man had inflicted on his victims was worse than anything she'd ever seen. "Can you tell the court what happened…" she shook her head. "No Case, these are kids. Try again…" she thought harder. "I know this is very hard sweetie, but do you think you could tell me what happened?" She sighed. These girls knew and trusted her – she'd prepped the hell out of them during the past months, but it was still hard. "There's just no easy way to –"

"Preparing for tomorrow?"

Steve's voice caught her by surprise and she jumped and turned around, then smiled, embarrassed. "Yeah," she answered. "Did I wake you?"

He smiled. "Yeah, but it's okay." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. He could see the stress lines forming in her face, and the worried look in her eyes. He hated to see her like this. "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to do this."

He wrapped his arms tighter around her and rubbed her back gently. "You are about to bring peace to all of those girls and send that animal to death row."

"I don't want to do this to them!" she exclaimed

He felt her forehead collide with his chest, felt her shoulders rise and fall with her silent sobs. He kissed the top of her head. "I know it's hard, Case, but you're doing the right thing." He rubbed her back gently. "I love you so much honey. This is going to be okay, I promise."

"I love you too," she replied softly. She felt so lucky to have him in her life. _What the hell did I do to deserve you, _she wondered. "I just don't want to disappoint Alex. I love that woman like a sister."

"You won't disappoint her," he told her sincerely. "Casey, your evidence is solid. You're not going to lose this one."

She sighed. She knew he was right – as usual. With the evidence she had, there was no way she was going to lose this case. Still, something didn't quite feel right. She had a sinking suspicion in the pit of her stomach that the defense was up to more than just dirtying Alex's name. She had no idea why she felt this way, but the feeling was getting stronger by the second, and she prayed she was wrong. If they dropped a bombshell on her, she didn't know if she would be able to recover.

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"You ready for tomorrow?" Olivia asked as she poured herself a large glass of orange juice and began to drink it as quickly as she could. It wasn't exactly the breakfast she wanted, but she and Alex had overslept after having quite a romantic night together – one involving candles, a bathtub, and lots of lavender body oil. It had been quite an evening, but if she wanted to make it to work on time, she was going to have to live with having orange juice for breakfast. It was worth it though.

Alex smiled confidently and met Olivia's eyes. "You know what? I think I am." The truth was, she was more than ready. She was ecstatic. She was looking forward to doing anything and everything she could to help Casey put that bastard in jail. She winked at Olivia. "Thanks for everything, Liv," she said honestly. "These last few weeks have been…intense. I couldn't have made it without you." Her smile widened. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

Olivia kissed her and smiled as she pulled away. She'd never seen Alex look more confident and happy than at this moment. It made her smile. "I love you Alex, and I never once had any doubt in you. I knew you were going to pull through this." She squeezed her hand before opening the door to leave. "After this trial, we won't ever have to worry about him again. I'll see you when I get home tonight."

Alex smiled, then hesitated. "Uh, Liv, I um…the guys…I know how much time and effort they put into this, making sure Casey had everything she needed. I appreciate it and everything and I love them but…" her voice trailed off.

"But you don't want them in the courtroom with you," Olivia finished, her voice full of loving understanding. When Alex nodded, almost in shame, Olivia put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, they'll understand. I'll talk to them. They love you, Alex. They aren't going to do anything that'll upset you."

"Thanks Liv."

She nodded. "I love you," she said, then paused. She hated leaving Alex alone the day before the trial. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She smiled. "I'm good, Liv. Really good. I promise." She began pushing her out of the door. "Go. You're already running late, and I am not taking the blame if Cragen fires your ass!"

Olivia laughed. "Okay, I'm leaving, just promise to call me if you need anything."

"Liv, GO!"

"Okay, okay! I'll see you tonight."

Alex watched as the love of her life pulled out of the driveway and drove off to work. She smiled and shook her head, unable to believe how far she had come in just a few months. If someone had told her six months ago that she would be living with Olivia and helping to put her rapist on death row, she would have laughed in their face. Now, however, she couldn't believe the path her life had taken. She went into the bathroom to take a shower. Before she stepped in, however, she stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. Usually, when she did this, she heard her parents' voices, telling her she was ugly and worthless. This time, however, those voices weren't there. Olivia had been working with her for weeks. Before showering, they would stand in front of the mirror, and Olivia would trace her scars, telling her she was beautiful and loved. It had been terrifying and painful at first, letting herself stand there, feeling Olivia's hands on her like that, but it had been well worth it. While she couldn't bring herself to stand in front of the mirror for long long, at least her parents voices were finally gone. It was the first time she'd been alone in front of the mirror that this had happened. That had to mean she was making progress.

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Allen felt Jess tossing and turning violently in bed next to him. He woke up and looked at the clock. _Three twenty – five_, he thought sadly. This was becoming an all too common occurrence. He hated that she was having so many nightmares. He leaned into her and heard her mumbling "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," over and over again. He gently shook her. "Honey, wake up. Wake up sweetie."

She opened her eyes quickly and clung desperately to his arm, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Allen?" she asked, her voice full of a pain and fear that he'd never heard in her before.

Her breathing was quick and shallow. She must have had some nightmare. This was worse than he'd seen her before. The nightmares were escalating. "I'm right here, sweetie," he assured her. "I'm right here. What happened?" He took her hand and felt her cling to it as though her life depended on it. She'd never told him what was in her nightmares before, but she'd also never clung to him like this. He hoped she would finally open up. "It's okay, honey. Talk to me."

"She hates me!" she exclaimed.

"What? Who?"

"Alex!" she yelled hysterically, then collapsed into his open arms. "The jury didn't believe Casey's portrayal of the events and they thought she fudged the evidence and Jennings got off. Then Alex told me she hated me because his blood is my blood and she never wanted to see me again and she hit me because I hit her and –"

He squeezed her tighter and rubbed her back. "Hey," he said soothingly as she sobbed. _So this is what's been bothering you,_ he thought. It had been happening every night for weeks, but it had escalated since the day she hit Alex after finding out Jennings was her father. "It was just a dream honey. Alex doesn't hate you. She loves you."

"But what if she starts to hate me?" she asked, terrified. "What if she starts to hate me because he's my father and he hurt her and she remembers that night every time she sees me?"

"Jess," he said sternly, yet lovingly. "Alex isn't going to hate you for this. You can't control who your biological father is, she knows that. Besides, she's known who he was since the second she found out who you were. If she hasn't hated you since then, she's not going to start now, I promise." He felt her chest heaving with her sobs and he kissed her lightly on the top of the head.

"Make love to me."

"Jess, I –"

"Please…I need to feel you inside of me. I need you, Allen. I need to know that you still…love me."

"Of course I love you."

"Please," she begged. "Please make love to me."

He nodded as he pulled off his boxers, understanding that she needed this. He gently climbed on top of her. He held her head in his hands and met her eyes as he eased himself into her. "I love you, Jessica," he told her. With every gentle thrust that he made, he repeated those words, trying to drive out all the pain and guilt she was harboring inside herself.

Tears poured from her eyes as she clung to him desperately. This connection was exactly what she needed right now. With every thrust that he made inside her, she felt a little bit of the evil that ran through her blood disappear. She wasn't sure if she would ever fully rid her body of that evil feeling, but for now, she needed this connection. She needed to feel him, needed to know that her evil blood didn't scare him away.

When he was finished, he rolled himself off her and pulled her against him. "I love you," he told her again as they both drifted off to sleep, her head on his chest and his arms around her.

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She was so focused on the new case that was lying on her desk that she didn't even notice when Munch, Fin and Elliot crowded around her desk, smiles plastered on their faces as they realized they were staring at her unnoticed.

"Captain said no sleeping on the job," Munch said, jolting her back into reality. He smiled when she jumped in surprise. "Gotta be better aware of your surroundings, Benson."

She laughed. "Yeah? How many times have you called out sick from anthrax this year? Four? I think you'd better be more aware of your mail, Munch."

"Hey, you can't argue anthrax. If I call in claiming I got it, no one's gonna want me to come in."

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes. She looked at all of them. "Okay, what's up? Why are you all surrounding my desk?"

"We heard a little rumor that there's a very important trail starting tomorrow," Fin joked, then frowned when Olivia didn't laugh or smile. "How's Alex?"

She sighed. "Better than I would be if I were in her position. She's strong, but I can tell she's still nervous about tomorrow. No matter how strong she is, a person can only take so much. Tomorrow's going to be hell for her."

"Anything we can do to help?" Fin asked.

"Actually, yes…" her voice trailed off. She inhaled deeply, hating that she had to ask this because she knew how much they cared, but knowing that Alex was more important at the moment. She knew they would understand, but it still pained her to have to ask them. "She um, she knows how hard you guys have worked to get everything ready and she loves you for it, but…" she sighed. "She doesn't want you guys in the courtroom, Cragen included. She doesn't want you to see those pictures or hear her tell her story or –"

"Liv," Elliot said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We love Alex like a sister. We would never do anything to upset her or make her uncomfortable if we could avoid it. If she doesn't feel comfortable with us there, we won't be there."

Fin nodded in agreement. "Just make sure she knows we love her and we're here if she needs us."

"And that I'm still willing to kick Jennings' ass if she wants me to," Munch added.

Olivia laughed and wiped away a tear. "Thanks guys."

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When Allen was sure Jess was in the shower, he pulled out his address book and began flipping through it. Jess hadn't really slept well, even after she'd cried in his arms and they'd made love. She had kept awakening from the same nightmare and crying as he hugged her. He had an idea of how to help pull her out of this, but he needed to check something first. He picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Benson," she answered after the first ring.

"Olivia, it's Allen."

His voice was shaky. Something was wrong. She could tell he was trying hard not to cry. "Allen, what's wrong?"

He sighed. "It's um…it's Jess. Look I know this is going to sound really weird, but I mean it sincerely when I ask this, but how's Alex doing?"

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows, confused by the question. It wasn't odd that he was worried, just odd that he had called all of a sudden and asked about her. She shrugged it off for now. "She's doing really well. I think she's nervous about tomorrow, but she's okay. Why do you ask?"

He didn't answer right away. When he heard her call his name to make sure he was still there, he closed his eyes sadly and sighed. "Jess um, she's really worried that Alex is going to hate her for being Jennings' daughter. I tried to tell her that would never happen, but I think she needs to hear it from Alex. If you think we should wait until after tomorrow, after Alex testifies –"

"Call her, Allen," Olivia interrupted.

"Really?"

Olivia smiled. "I think it'll actually do her some good to see Jess like that." She shook her head, realizing how ridiculous that must have sounded. "I didn't mean it like that. I just think that it'll show her how much Jess cares about and loves her. Right now, I think she needs as much of that as we can give her."

Allen sighed with relief. "Jess really loves her, Liv."

"I know. call her. She'll be glad to hear from you guys."

"Thanks Liv."

"Any time."

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She was just about to turn on the TV and curl up on the couch when her cell phone started screaming at her. "Oooooohhhh," she groaned. "This had better not be work-related." She flipped open her phone and held it up to her ear. "Cabot," she answered.

"Hey Alex, it's Allen."

She smiled when she heard his voice. It had been too long since they'd seen each other. "Hey, how have you been? Long time no see."

He laughed nervously. "Yeah, I've been meaning to call." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. "How are you doing?"

"Great," she answered truthfully. "I'm actually doing really well."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad to hear it."

"Allen?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the real reason you called me?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"Uh, yeah," she answered, laughing. "Spill."

He sighed. "It's Jess."

"Oh no, is she okay? It's been three days and I've been meaning to call but I wasn't sure if she needed some time away from me to process everything. I should have called. I shouldn't have waited. I –"

He laughed. The two of them rambled in exactly the same way when they were nervous. "I think that's what she needed at first, but now…now I don't know. she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, terrified that you hate her –"

"I'll be right over," she interrupted, a huge smile on her face.

"What? Alex you have to testify tomorrow. If you want to wait –"

"Allen, I'm ready for tomorrow," she told him, and was surprised at the amount of confidence she heard in her own voice. _I really am ready,_ she thought. She smiled, proud of herself for the first time in a long time. "Let me stop by the store to pick up a few things. I'll be over in an hour."

He sighed. She sounded okay…better than okay. "Thanks Alex."

"Don't mention it."

He hung up the phone and returned to the bedroom. It was nearly eleven and Jess still hadn't gotten out of bed. He'd seen her depressed before, but he'd never seen her this low. He sat down and put his hand on her shoulder. "Honey, I have to run a bunch of errands," he lied. He didn't want to let her know Alex was coming over. He was afraid she'd object too much. It would better if Alex just showed up unexpectedly. "First I have to shower. Care to join me?"

She didn't move a muscle. She just laid still, staring at the wall in front of her. "I don't feel like moving."

"Jess, honey –"

"I said I don't feel like moving!" she yelled, then threw the blanket over her head to hide.

"Fine," he said. He understood that she was upset, but still, her words stung. He stood and gathered his things. Before he went into the bathroom, he stood and sighed at her defeated frame lying in the bed. "I love you Jess," he said. When he didn't get a response, he sighed and went to the bathroom, praying that Alex would be able to help better than he could.

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She arrived at Jess' exactly one hour after she received Allen's call. As she pulled into the parking lot, she shook her head sadly. She hated that Jess thought she would hate her, yet in a way, she could understand why she felt that way. She took the stairs to the third floor and saw a note taped to the front door of the apartment.

_ Alex,_

_ Thank you so much for coming over. I know it was terrible timing and I apologize. You're an exceptional woman and I know you didn't have to come over today. You have no idea how grateful I am that you're in her life. She loves you more than you know.  
__ I've tried several times to coax her out of bed but nothing has worked. That's probably where you'll find her. Don't worry if you can't get her up and out of bed. It won't be your fault. The door's open. Don't bother knocking. She doesn't knowing you're coming over and I doubt she'd answer even if she did._

_Thanks again,  
__Allen_

She sighed sadly as she opened the door, struggling with the grocery bags she was carrying. She placed them in the kitchen, then made her way to the bedroom. "Jess," she said softly as she knocked on the door. When she didn't get a response, she slowly opened it and frowned, seeing Jess lying on her side, facing the door, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Go away."

"Nope," she said as she made her way over and sat on the bed. "You're getting out of this bed today and that's final."

"No," she said sullenly, then tried to pull the blanket over her face.

"Yes, you are," Alex said sternly as she ripped the blanket from Jess' hands and tried to physically pull her from the bed.

"Alex, what the hell!" Jess yelled and pulled away from her, though she didn't lie back down.

"Jess, get out of this bed and spend the day with me."

"No. I'm not getting up."

"Jess –"

"NO!"

"Jess," she said, so sternly that Jess didn't have the guts to argue. "You have got to stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself," she said as she successfully pulled her into a sitting position. She wrapped an arm around her and squeezed tightly. "Come on. I brought movies and sustenance. Get out of bed and join me in the living room when you're ready."

Jess didn't give any sign that she'd heard Alex, so Alex simply patted her on her back and left the room. She poured herself a glass of milk and brought the package of Oreos she'd purchased out into the living room. She rummaged through Jess' movies before finally deciding on, again, _Robin Williams: Live on Broadway._ If anything would coax Jess out of that bedroom, this was it. She turned it on, making sure to turn up the volume, and plopped herself down on the couch. She opened the package of Oreos and started eating as the movie started.

She could hear the movie playing in the living room, yet she couldn't will herself to get out of bed. Alex had successfully gotten her to sit up, which was more than Allen had been able to do, but that was it. Knowing the truth about who her birth father was too painful. She didn't want to have to deal with it. It was so much easier to just sit and hide out in her bedroom all day. Still, she knew she would have to deal with it someday. Alex's trial started tomorrow. _Fucking tomorrow, _she thought guiltily. She had to get out there, for Alex's sake. She sighed, dreading this more than anything, and slowly made her way out into the living room.

"Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein," she heard Robin saying. "So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve…the secret plan…to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?" She smiled sadly and sat down next to Alex. She looked at the coffee in front of her and laughed at all the snacks that were strewn across it. "Oreos?"

Alex laughed as she wrapped an arm around Jess and pulled her closer. "I seem to remember a certain time when you came over and confessed to being lonely and eating Oreos by yourself. Now you're not alone. Plus, if any movie can put a smile on your face, this is it."

She wiped away a tear and smiled thankfully. She sighed and leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "Alex, I'm sorry for –"

Alex popped an Oreo into her mouth and smiled. "Hush. This is a good movie and I'd like to see the whole thing through. Watch it, cheer up a little, and we'll talk when it's over."

"Thank you," she whispered as she grabbed several Oreos and turned her attention to the movie. She was already starting to feel a little better, but the pain was still there. Alex's plan worked, though. The movie was indeed too funny not to laugh at. By the time the credits were rolling, she was feeling a lot better.

"I knew this would cheer you up," Alex said matter-of-factly.

She nodded and smiled slightly. "You were right." She looked away, suddenly feeling guilty that Alex had come over and had to deal with this on the day before the biggest trial of her life. "Why'd you come over? You've got to be so stressed out about tomorrow. You shouldn't have to deal with my shit right now."

"I'll admit I'm a little worried about tomorrow," Alex said honestly, "But I'm more worried about you. Jess, I love you more than I can express in words, please understand and believe that."

"But my father –"

"Was a bad man, yes, but you're not him." She rubbed Jess' back and smiled lovingly as their eyes met. "You're not him, Jess. You're nothing like him. You're an amazing, beautiful, wonderful young woman. You have helped me through so much these last few months and I can't thank you enough for putting up with me."

Jess' eyes filled with tears as she leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry I hit you. I'm so sorry I didn't call you. I just –"

"No apologies Jess," Alex said. "It's okay."

"How'd you know I was upset? You brought all this over, which means you had a warning. Who told you?"

"Allen." She smiled and gave Jess an encouraging squeeze. "That man loves you…he _really_ loves you. He was worried about you so he gave me a call, and I'm glad he did."

"Alex, are you sure you don't need to be preparing for tomorrow?"

"Jess, I'm as prepared as I can possibly be. Casey prepped the hell out of me and I already know what to expect because I've been in her seat more times than she has. I'm fine, I promise. Right now, I want to make sure you're okay. I need you there tomorrow, Jess."

She nodded. "I know. I'll be there, I promise. I won't miss it."

"I know you won't, which is what's scaring me right now. I want to make sure you're okay. I need you there Jess, but I don't want you to be there if you're not okay with all this."

She sat up and met Alex's eyes, taking care to notice the love in them. She nodded, finally understanding that there wasn't any hatred towards her. "I am now. Thanks."

"I'll stay here until Allen gets home. Call me next time you're feeling upset Jess. We're…we're family, we're friends. We support each other. You've supported me this whole way. Let me support you now. I love you, and I promise that's not going to change. I don't care that he's your father, Jess. I care that you're my sister's daughter, my niece. I care that you've done what you've done for me. That's what's important."

Jess hugged her tightly and cried tears of joy. "Thank you."

"Anytime Jess, anytime."

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That night, Alex told Olivia she wanted to shower alone. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with her, she just needed to be alone for a few minutes to get her thoughts together. Spending the day with Jess had been emotionally exhausting, but she felt good about it. Jess had shown her an unbelievable amount of love and respect. As much as it pained her to see her hurting like that, she was glad that Jess cares so much about her and what it might do to her to know that she was Jennings' daughter. She was grateful that Olivia was so understanding. As she undressed, she once again looked at herself in the mirror. This time however, as she traced her scars, she smiled. "I win," she said confidently. "I am beautiful."


	26. The Trial

Disclaimer: Dick owns just about all of them.

I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to update. My mother bought a house without selling the one we're living in now, so we've been struggling to clean it up and get it in show condition. It's been absolutely crazy. Thankfully it's looking good now so I have a little time to sit and write this chapter…

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"I just can't believe she agreed to come over yesterday," Jess said worriedly as she looked through her closet for her shirt. "She's testifying today." She turned to look angrily at Allen. "Allen what the hell were you thinking asking her to come over?"

He frowned as she struggled to fight the emotions and find something to wear. She was obviously nervous about the trial today, and he didn't blame her. "I was thinking that you were being way too hard on yourself and there wasn't anything I could do to help. I called Olivia first to make sure Alex was okay. She assured me that Alex would be glad to hear from you."

She sighed. "Today is going to be so hard for her. She's going to have to tell a room full of strangers what happened to her and she's going to have to face a difficult defense team…I just, I feel so bad about yesterday. She shouldn't have had to deal with my stupid crap. She should have been preparing herself for today."

He watched as she finished dressing, putting on a pair of black pants and a soft purple sweater, and hugged her. "Hey, she was happy to see you. I walked her out, I saw it in her eyes. I think yesterday you proved to her how you really feel. You showed her how much you love her. I think she needed that."

She followed him out to the car and tried not to cry as he pulled out of the driveway and drove towards the courthouse. She was dreading this trial more than anything, and if she was this nervous, she cringed to think what Alex was feeling. "She's an amazing woman," she said. "I pray she makes it through today."

Allen smiled encouragingly. "She will. All of us guys will be waiting in the hall while you and Olivia are in there with her. She's got plenty of support. She's going to be just fine."

Jess nodded in hopeful agreement. Alex had seemed to be doing better when she came over yesterday. "Thank you for being so understanding. She doesn't hate any of you. She just –"

"Would feel better if we weren't all there to hear her story," he interrupted. He nodded understandingly. "We get it. It's okay."

They parked the car and nervously stepped outside. Jess looked at her watch. It was nine-thirty. Casey was probably already in the courtroom getting all the final details together. Olivia was probably sitting in the front row, ready to support Alex. Alex was probably sitting somewhere, trying to prepare herself for testifying. Jess took a deep breath and looked up at Allen. "Lets go."

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"Just focus on Casey when she's asking questions," Alex said nervously as she paced back and forth in the small waiting room. She was actually glad nobody else was in there with her. It allowed her to think out loud. "Focus on Liv or Jess when Simpkins asks his questions." She knew what she had to do. Simpkins' questions were going to be difficult, years of experience in the courtroom had taught her that. If she had any hope of getting through them, she would have to focus on something or someone that would keep her going. Both Olivia and Jess had promised to sit up front for her. That was going to be a big help. She just wished she knew why the defense had called her as a witness. She had a feeling…no, she knew, that it was something more than her sleeping with that kid in seventh grade. That was what scared her the most – the potential bombshell they were going to drop at the absolute worst moment.

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As they walked down the entrance hallway of the courthouse, Allen and Jess heard the unmistakable shouting of a very angry Casey Novak. They quickened their pace and rounded the corner just in time to see Casey throw her hands in the air in frustration and turn her back on the man she was yelling at.

Jess quickly ran over to her, worried that something terrible may have happened to damage the case. "Casey," she said as she approached the distraught woman. She noticed Casey's eyes were filling with tears. "Casey, what happened?"

"I failed," she said sadly. "I let her down."

"Failed? What do you mean?"

Casey sighed and met Jess' eyes. "Her parents are in there," she said softly.

"Whose? Alex's?"

She nodded sadly and looked down to the floor. She swallowed and took several deep breaths in an attempt to push away the tears. "I tried, I really did. You have to know that I tried."

"Casey what are you talking about?"

"They're sitting on Jennings' side!" she exclaimed.

Jess' eyes widened in horror. "What?"

"I tried to argue that their presence would possibly traumatize Alex – sometimes you can do that – but I failed. They're allowed to be there as long as they don't disrupt the proceedings." She inhaled angrily and blew it out. "I can't even tell Alex because she's getting ready to testify for the fucking defense. I let her down already and she doesn't even know."

Jess couldn't believe what was happening. Was there no end to this nightmare? Was this hell never going to stop? She grabbed Casey's hands in an effort to try to calm her. "Case, look at me…look at me." She held tight to Casey's hands and waited until their eyes met. "You didn't fail her. I know you tried. It's okay, this wasn't your fault. You couldn't –"

"It _is_ my fault!"

"No, Casey, it's not," Jess said firmly. Opening arguments started in twenty minutes, and there was no way Casey was going to be able to do her job if she didn't calm down. "It's not your fault," she said again. "Look, there's nothing you can do about it right now. Now you have to get in there and do what you do best. You're a great lawyer, Casey, you've got this one. It's okay. You've got a hell of a lot of support right behind you, I promise."

Casey took a few deep breaths as she tried to settle her nerves. She'd been prepping for months for this trial. She couldn't stop now. She forced a small smile and looked up. "Thanks Jess. I think I…I think I needed to hear that."

Jess smiled supportively and ushered Casey towards the door of the courtroom. "Just get in there and do your job. This is a slam dunk case. I'll be in there in a few minutes."

"What the hell was that all about?" Allen asked anxiously as he hurried over to Jess.

"Alex's parents are sitting on Jennings' side."

"Oh, God."

"Yeah. I'd better get in there. Are you staying?"

"Of course."

She kissed him and smiled. "Thank you." She turned to leave. "I'll see you…well I have no idea how long this is going to take, but I'll see you when I'm done."

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"What the hell do you mean her parents are sitting on his side?" Olivia asked angrily just before she and Jess entered the courtroom. She knew Alex was going to be okay, but with her parents in there, it would be even more difficult. "Why didn't Casey do anything? She could have gotten them banned from the proceedings or something!"

Jess sighed. "She tried, Liv. She really tried, and she feels terrible."

Olivia saw the sadness in Jess' eyes and was suddenly filled with apprehension and worry. "But she's okay, right? She's okay to prosecute?"

"Yeah, she's okay. She's really upset, but she's okay." Jess sighed. "We'd better get in there," she said as she looked at the courtroom doors. "God I want to kill her parents for doing this."

"You and me both," Olivia said as they walked inside. They took their seats in the front row and gave Casey encouraging smiles as they sat down.

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It was her turn. It had come so quickly that she almost wasn't ready for it. She rubbed her hands together nervously as she took one last look at the papers on the desk in front of her. Her hands were sweaty and she tried to dry them on her skirt, but realized that just made her appear more nervous, so she stopped. _You can do this, Case. It's just opening arguments,_ she told herself as she stood to face the jury. She took a deep breath. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," she began, her voice strong and full of determination. "The case you are about to hear is one of unspeakable horror. The man sitting before you," she said as she motioned towards Jennings, "Caused more pain than we could ever imagine. I intend to prove to you that he raped and tortured twenty-three girls, killing one of them, and I am certain that he will do it again…"

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"Ms. Cabot, they're ready for you."

Alex looked up at the officer and nodded slowly. It was time. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. As she followed him down the hallway, she tried to convince herself that she was ready to do this. She walked into the courtroom confidently, but refused to look at anyone until she was seated in the witness stand and had been sworn in. first she saw Olivia and Jess, sitting together in the front row behind Casey, giving her encouraging smiles. She noticed Casey wink encouragingly at her. Then she looked over towards the defense. She literally felt the color drain from her face when she saw her parents staring angrily at her. The apologetic look on Casey's face told her that she had tried to have them removed, but had been unsuccessful. She nodded, accepting the fact that there wasn't anything she could do, and turned her attention to Simpkins, who had stood to begin his questioning.

"Ms. Cabot, were you a sexually promiscuous teenager?"

_Seriously? This is your first question?_ Casey stood quickly, "Objection! Relevance?"

Simpkins smiled arrogantly at the judge and jury. "I'm trying to prove that Ms. Cabot here was a promiscuous individual who invited many males into her home, one of them quite possibly being my client."

"Your Honor!" Casey yelled angrily.

Petrovsky frowned. "I'll allow it, but be careful Mr. Simpkins."

Surprising even herself, Alex didn't even hesitate. "I was struggling with my sexuality even then," she admitted. "At the time I felt –"

"Are you still struggling with it now?"

"I haven't even answered your first question," she answered before Casey could object, which she knew she would do. She looked at Olivia, and then smiled and cocked her head. "I'm very comfortable now. To answer your first question, I don't think I was all that promiscuous, at least not by the standards of the day. I mean, I was only sleeping with one guy."

Simpkins smiled at the jury, as if she had just taken the bait without even realizing it. He turned his attention back to her. "How often did the two of you have sex?"

"Objection!" Casey yelled as she stood from her chair. She was not about to let them paint Alex out to be some whore. She was going to fight as hard as she could.

"Overruled." Petrovsky said glumly.

Casey looked at her in shock. _Overruled?_ She looked apologetically at Alex before sitting back down in her seat and trying to figure out how the hell she was going to fix this.

"We'd meet at his place almost every day after school."

Simpkins clicked his tongue and walked back over to his desk. He pretended to flip through his papers for several seconds before turning back around. "Ms. Cabot, on the night in question, had you ever seen this man before?" he asked and pointed to his client.

"Yes."

"When?"

She swallowed. "When I was five. He raped my sister."

Simpkins raised his eyebrows in fake surprise. "Really?" he half-smiled and tilted his head. "Now tell me, why on earth would you invite your sister's rapist into your home?"

"Objection!" Casey screamed. "Since when did we determine that she invited him in?"

Petrovsky frowned again. "Sustained. Stick to the facts Mr. Simpkins."

"Your Honor, my client claims Ms. Cabot invited him in. I am sticking to the facts."

"Well they're quite conflicting. Ask questions, Mr. Simpkins, don't give conflicting information. We'll see what Ms. Cabot has to say."

He turned his attention back to Alex again. "Ms. Cabot, at any time during the attack, did you beg my client to, and I quote, 'Fuck me harder'?"

"Objection! Badgering!"

"Yes," Alex answered before Petrovsky could respond to Casey's objection. She took a deep breath and looked at the jury. "He had already cut and burned me. he told me that if I didn't say it, he'd do it again. I didn't have a choice."

"So you admit to begging for it?"

This was getting difficult. Casey was doing the best she could, but Simpkins' questions weren't going to be kicked out. Alex had to answer them. she closed her eyes and listened to the rest of Alex's answer.

"He told me that if I didn't beg for it, he'd cut and burn me again," Alex said firmly. "I didn't really have a choice."

Simpkins could tell she was breaking. It made him happy to see it. If he could just hold out for a few more questions and get through Casey's redirect, his plan would be successful. He turned to face the jury and smiled. "So if you were begging for it, it's safe to assume that my client thought you were enjoying yourself."

"Objection!" Casey screeched, standing up so quickly she nearly knocked her chair over.

"Withdrawn," Simpkins answered before Petrovsky could respond. He returned to his seat and smiled confidently. "Nothing further at this time."

"Redirect Ms. Novak?"

Casey rose from her chair and slowly walked to the center of the courtroom. This was it. "Ms. Cabot," she said, taking a deep breath. "Can you please tell us exactly what happened that night?"

Alex nodded and folded her hands into her lap. She was ready for this question, she knew it was coming, but it was still hard. It was terrifying to have to tell a room full of strangers what happened. "I was in my room and I heard footsteps behind me. before I could turn around, he hit me on the head and everything went black. When I woke up…" her voice trailed off. She looked at Casey, who nodded encouragingly for her to keep going. She swallowed and continued. "When I woke up, I was naked and tied to my bedposts. He cut me, he raped me, he burned me, he raped me again, and I had to keep begging for more. He put his tongue inside me and made me say horrible things about myself, then he left."

Casey breathed a quiet sigh of relief and was happy to see Alex do the same. It was almost over, just a few questions left. "Ms. Cabot, did you invite Mr. Jennings into your home?"

"No."

"Did you ask to be tied to your bed, tortured, and raped?"

"No."

"Did you at any time ask Mr. Jennings to stop?"

"Yes, but then he started cutting me, so I stayed silent."

Casey nodded at the jury, then turned back to Alex and gave her a proud and loving smile. "Nothing further."

Petrovsky hesitantly looked at Simpkins, praying he was finished so she didn't have to endure his torturing Alex. "Mr. Simpkins, do you have any more questions for Ms. Cabot?"

"No Your Honor."

_Thank God_, she though. "Very well. You may step down Ms. Cabot."

Just as Alex stood to step down from the witness stand, she saw Jennings launch himself from his chair. "You're a whore!" he screamed as the guards rushed towards him. She noticed the smug smile on Simpkins face and her heart skipped a beat. "You enjoyed it, I know you did! You enjoyed it just like all the other girls!" The guards struggled to pull him out of the courtroom as Petrovsky pounded her hammer and screamed for Simpkins to control him. "You wanted it just like all the others!" he yelled as he was finally dragged out of the courtroom.

Alex felt her knees giving out and she collapsed to the floor as she looked at Simpkins, who was smiling proudly. This was what his plan had been all along. She closed her eyes and tried to fight the nausea that was creeping up inside her. Olivia jumped the railing and was at her side in a matter of seconds. She carefully helped Alex to her feet and they began walking towards the door.

"You're a disgusting disappointment to the Cabot family, Sarah."

They looked up and saw Alex's father staring at them, her mother right behind him.

"Daddy, I –" Alex started, tears pouring down her face.

"Don't you dare address him as your father!" her mother screamed. "You are no longer a part of this family!"

It took everything Olivia had not to attack the two people standing in front of her. If Alex hadn't collapsed again and been completely dependant on her to help her stand, she probably would have done just that. Instead, she pulled a hyperventilating Alex back up to her feet and looked at the woman's parents. "To be a part of your family would be a disgrace. I am going to give your daughter something she never got from you: a home, where she is loved and cared for. I hope you rot in hell." She turned and walked Alex out of the courtroom.

"You see that! Is that the kind of woman you want as your Bureau Chief?" Simpkins exclaimed to everyone in the courtroom before Olivia and Alex left. "She's mentally unstable! She doesn't deserve to be in that position! She's a liability to us all!"

Olivia quickened her pace and hurried Alex out of the courtroom. She rushed her to the bathroom, where Alex proceeded to dry heave into the toilet while Olivia gently rubbed her back and fought her own tears.

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Petrovsky had cleared the courtroom quickly and had successfully gotten Simpkins arrested for contempt, and he would stay in jail until she could figure out what to do with him. She had ordered him to control his client several times, but he had never even tried to stop Jennings' yelling. She hoped he had a damn good explanation, but the happiness she noticed in his eyes made her think otherwise. She had a terrible feeling that he had planned the whole thing. He knew Jennings was going to go down, and she knew Simpkins hated Alex – he had never beaten her in court before. Maybe he wanted her on the witness stand so he could get her to break in front of everybody, thus having a reason to call her abilities into question. Seeing the look on Alex's face while everything was happening angered her more than anything. Alex was one of the best prosecutors she'd ever met, and damned good at her job. The actions of Simpkins would not go unpunished.

The good news was that by admitting to raping and torturing all of the other girls, Petrovsky could automatically sentence Jennings to death. If anything good could possibly come out of this horrible situation, it was that those young girls no longer had to testify in front of the jury.

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Casey still couldn't move – the shock of what had just happened hadn't worn off yet. The events kept playing back over and over in her mind: Alex being badgered by the defense, Alex being forced to recount her story, Alex being called a whore by the man who raped her, the things Alex's parents said to her, and finally Simpkins calling her job into question. It was too much for Casey to handle. She wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

"Casey?" Jess asked anxiously. They were the only two people left in the courtroom. Jess had stayed when she realized Casey was too distraught to even move. she hopped the railing and put her hands on Casey's shoulders. "Honey, talk to me," she said worriedly, afraid Casey was going into shock. "Talk to me, Case."

Casey looked up, her eyes full of tears. "What have I done? Jess what have I done?"

Before Jess could answer, Casey crumbled to the floor and started sobbing. "No, Casey," Jess said gently as she sat down and hugged her. "Casey none of this was your fault. There was no way you could have known Simpkins was going to pull something like this." She gently rubbed Casey's back and wiped away a few of her own tears. "This wasn't your fault. You did –"

"It is my fault!" Casey screamed. "I should have seen it coming! I knew Simpkins was up to something!" She buried her face into Jess' shoulders and cried harder. "She's going to lose her job, her family, her money…and it's all because of me!"

"Casey, no," she said sternly. "Don't do this to yourself." She lifted Casey's head and forced her to look her in the eyes. "You did such a great job today. You objected to nearly all of Simpkins' questions. You prepped the hell out of Alex and she was prepared for all of your questions."

"Olivia had to carry her out of the courtroom, Jess!"

"Because of Simpkins' questions and Jennings' outburst and her parents' cruelty, _not_ because of you. She was so tense when Simpkins was asking his questions, but she relaxed as soon as it was your turn. Your questions weren't what upset her, Casey. She was ready for them." She cupped Casey's head in her hands and smiled. "She loves you, Casey. This wasn't your fault."

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Allen and Steve rushed into the courtroom when they realized Jess and Casey were the only two people left inside. As soon as they got inside, they could hear the conversation between the two women. They hung back and listened, knowing that Casey needed to get all of this out of her system.

Steve smiled and turned to Allen. "You know," he whispered, hoping Jess and Casey didn't hear, "I never thought I'd say this after what happened, but you've got an amazing girl there Allen."

Allen nodded and smiled proudly. "Yeah, she's pretty great. You've got a great one too, Steve. Casey's a special woman."

"Yes, she really is."

They waited until they were sure the conversation was over before venturing further into the courtroom. When they did, they found both women on the floor; Jess's arms wrapped tightly around a sobbing Casey. Steve met Jess' eyes and he forced a smile. "Thank you," he mouthed. He bent down and gently placed a hand on Casey's back. "Come on honey, let's get you home."

Casey felt Jess slowly release her into Steve's arms. She nodded slightly as Steve helped her stand. He led her back down the length of the courtroom and towards the door. "I just don't know how to face her now," she confessed as they walked out.

"Jess what the hell happened in here?" Allen asked worriedly. "Everyone left in a hurry, Olivia practically carried a very hysterical Alex to the bathroom, and now Casey's sobbing in your arms."

Jess smiled sadly and stood up. "It was bad, Allen. It was really bad. Simpkins had an alternative motive that none of us saw coming. He intentionally worded his questions in a way that would hurt her the most. Casey objected to nearly every one of them. She did such an amazing job and she doesn't even see it. She asked her questions and it was obvious Alex was relieved Simpkins had finished. Just as she was about to step down from the witness stand, Jennings went nuts. He started calling her all kinds of names and things, and saying that she enjoyed and begged for it. The judge kept ordering Simpkins to control him, but he just stood there smiling, like he was enjoying the show. Alex collapsed and Olivia helped her up. As they were leaving, Alex's parents called her disgusting and disowned her. She sobbed even harder and couldn't even stand on her own. Simpkins looked at the judge and then the jury and asked if they wanted a woman as emotionally unstable as Alex to be the Bureau Chief. He called her job into question, Allen! That's the only reason he did this! The judge had him arrested, but…this was bad Allen. Casey blames herself and I – I –"

Allen wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight. He felt his shirt getting wet with her tears and he gently rubbed her back and combed his fingers through her hair. He couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her to see that, how hard it must have been for Alex to go through it. "I'm so sorry, honey," he told her, not knowing what else to say or do. He held her and let her cry as he silently prayed that Alex's hell ended soon.

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Okay, well that was a long one. Please let me know what you think!

Also, I have another idea to tie into this story, but it would take a good ten or fifteen chapters to do so. My question is, should I keep going with this story or make a sequel?

It's going to be at least a week and a half before I can update again. I'm leaving at 3am tomorrow morning (Morning of July 4th…how dumb is that?) to drive to Florida. I live in Philadelphia. Yikes. Wish me luck!


	27. Wedding Planning

Disclaimer: Dick owns just about all of them.

Oooooooh, I really hate cars now. Four people in a five-passenger Mazda driving from Philadelphia to Florida…not so good. I think my legs cramped more times than I can count. Actually, spending a total of 30 hours in a car over the last week has given me ample time to think about my next chapter. Now I'm sitting at my computer, staring at a mostly blank page, trying to figure out how to write it out. I'm planning on making this one much happier than previous ones. Here it goes…

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Allen led Jess slowly out of the courtroom after she had calmed down a bit. Her body was still shaking slightly, needing to get the emotions out, but her eyes had expelled all the tears they were going to for the moment. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and never come out again. Hearing what Alex's parents, her grandparents, had said, had nearly crushed her. It made her sick to know that they shared the same blood. She even debated confronting them, but she knew it was useless. She'd been given up for adoption for a reason; Alex had been told she was killed for a reason. Those people wanted nothing to do with her, and she wanted nothing to do with them.

She heard someone calling her name as soon as she and Allen were out in the hallway. She rubbed her eyes and looked up, seeing Olivia running frantically towards them. "Jess! You've got to come quick! She's in the bathroom!"

Jess took one terrified look at Allen, then bolted in Olivia's direction and followed her to the bathroom. Something about the look in Olivia's eyes scared the shit out of her. When they finally got to the bathroom, Olivia stopped and turned to her. "This was bad, Jess. This was really bad."

"I know," she nodded. "Is she…"

Olivia took a deep breath. "She wasn't prepared for her job to be called into question, and she sure as hell wasn't prepared for that to be the reason they wanted her to testify in the first place, but I think she's going to be okay. Her parents really upset her though." She paused and looked down at the floor. "She, um, she won't talk to me right now. She's asking for you. I tried to talk to her but…"

Jess saw the worry in Olivia's eyes, but she also thought she saw fear. It was in that moment that Jess realized how scared Olivia was of losing Alex. She smiled as she pulled the woman into a tight hug. "I'll go talk to her," she said softly. She went to pull out of the hug, but found Olivia wasn't ready to let go just yet. She gently rubbed her back. "You're not going to lose her. She loves you," she said as Olivia finally let go. With that, she stepped around Olivia and walked into the bathroom.

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"Casey?" Steve asked hesitantly as he opened the bedroom door. She had gone in there to grab her things for a shower nearly half an hour ago, and hadn't returned. He looked in and saw her sitting on the bed, her elbows resting on her knees and her face in her hands. Her shoulders were heaving with her sobs. He walked over and put his arm around her. "Honey, talk to me. What happened?"

She looked up and swallowed as she rested her head on his shoulder. She was glad he was so good to her. "We figured out Simpkins' real motive for calling Alex to the sand." She took a deep breath and sat up straight, looking him in the eyes. "He asked his questions in a way he knew would hurt her. Once I was done asking my questions, Alex was allowed to step down. Before she could do that Jennings went nuts and confessed to hurting her and the other girls. He screamed that she was a whore and that she wanted it. Simpkins didn't even try to stop him either. Her parents were sitting on Jennings' side and they said some really horrible things to her and basically disowned her. Before Olivia could get her out of the courtroom, Simpkins called her job into question. That's why he wanted her up there in the first place. It was really, really bad in there, Steve."

"Oh, God," he said softly. He knew it was going to be a rough trial, but he hadn't expected anything like this. He could feel the anger rising up in him, and he cringed when he thought about how horrible it must have been for everyone in that courtroom.

She took another deep breath and nodded. "Petrovsky just called me. She met with Simpkins immediately after everything happened. He's going to lose his job and probably spend a good bit of time in jail. She's going to sentence Jennings to death, but we still have to appear in court one more time to finalize everything, though this time he'll have a different lawyer." She shook her head, trying to make sense of this entire situation. She felt his hand gently caressing her back and smiled. "At least those girls won't have to testify. Simpkins will be tried with contempt of court and hindering prosecution, but Petrovsky's hands are tied right now. Nothing like this has ever really happened so she's not sure what to do with him."

He nodded and tried to absorb everything she had just told him. He could see the guilt that she was feeling over all of this, and it killed him. He wrapped his other arm around he and held her tight. "I love you," he told her. "I love you so, so much, and I am so incredibly proud of you for today." He felt her try to shrug him off after that last comment, but he refused to let go of her. "What happened was not your fault, Casey. It wasn't. You held your own in there and Alex was ready for everything you asked her because you prepared her. You did your job the best that anybody could have done. Nobody could have seen it coming, honey. Nobody."

She still couldn't make herself believe that. Even though she knew there was no way she could have been prepared for what had happened, she still couldn't help feeling guilty. "I knew he was going to pull something. I should have tried to stop him sooner. I knew something was wrong when he was asking his questions. I knew something wasn't right and –"

"Shh," he said as he pulled her up to stand. He walked her into the bathroom and they undressed and climbed into the shower. "You couldn't have done anything, sweetie. It's okay. You did a damned good job, I'm sure." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. He gently rubbed her shoulders as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you, Case. This wasn't your fault."

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"Captain what the hell happened in that courtroom?" Fin asked as soon as they were all back at the station. Everyone had left a hell of a lot sooner than anticipated, and he had seen Olivia practically carrying Alex to the bathroom. They'd heard the shouting coming from inside, but had been unable to decipher anything that was said. Jess and Casey hadn't come out with everybody else either. Something huge had definitely happened, and he wanted answers.

Cragen swallowed hard and looked up at Fin, Munch, and Elliot. They were all worried and concerned, hell, so was he. He had just gotten off the phone with the judge and had been told every detail of the events. "Jennings' lawyer pulled one hell of a fast one on us. Looks like he only wanted Cabot on the stand so he could torture her until she broke, then call her job into question."

"Holy shit," Elliot said. He looked around at all the stunned faces in the room. No way any of them saw this one coming. "What happens now? Is Alex okay?"

"Simpkins will lose his job, and hopefully go to jail for pulling this little stunt. Jennings confessed so he's getting a needle in his arm. As for Cabot, I don't know. I've tried her cell as well as Benson's but they're not answering."

Munch, who had been leaning against his desk this whole time, finally stood up straight and looked around the room. "Are we sure we can even nail Simpkins? Nothing like this has really ever happened before has it? I mean, I know lawyers are scumbags, but how often does one call a witness to the stand only to make her lose her job?"

Cragen shook his head. "I don't know. All we can do is pray that Petrovsky can get him locked up for contempt of court and hope that he goes away for a long time. At least he can't practice law anymore. That's what he deserves."

"He deserves a swift kick in the ass," Fin said.

"I'll do it," Munch added. "I've got nothing planned for Saturday afternoon.

"Easy guys," Cragen said, even though he knew they were joking.

Elliot's face was serious as he looked his boss in the eyes. "What do we do now?"

"We keep working on our cases. The ones relating to Jennings will now be considered closed cases. We move on. Simpkins isn't our problem right now. He doesn't fall into our jurisdiction anyway."

"Seems like we're just turning our backs."

"We don't have a choice, Elliot. All we can do now is move on with our other cases. I know it sucks, believe me, but there's nothing else we can do."

They all hated to admit it, but he was right. Simpkins was in the court's hands now, as was Jennings. Both cases were out of their hands. Still, they felt terrible that they couldn't do more to help. Alex wasn't just another victim. She was their friend. The four of them looked at each other, and though no words were spoken, a silent agreement was made. Alex mattered more than anything else in this entire situation – she came first. They would always be there to support her and give her everything she needed to get through this, no matter what the cost.

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Jess slowly pushed open the bathroom door and went inside. She heard Alex's sobs coming from the last stall and made her way towards her. Seeing a person you love and care deeply about sitting in a bathroom stall and dry heaving into a toilet is perhaps one of the worst visions a person can experience. Jess closed her eyes and fought the tears as she slowly kneeled down behind Alex and gently put a hand on her back. "Hey," she said softly.

Tears poured from Alex's eyes as she pulled her face out of the toilet and looked at Jess. She hadn't actually thrown up – she hadn't eaten anything in nearly two days – but she still felt nauseous. It was actually worse that she didn't have anything to expel from her body. It kept the nausea coming back. She tried to wipe away her tears but Jess stopped her and wrapped her arms around her. She collapsed against her niece and sobbed harder. The questions Simpkins had asked her were bad, yes, but she had been prepared for them. She had been prepared for Casey's questions, too. Hell, she had even expected Jennings to say or do something outrageous. It was Simpkins' response to Jennings' outburst, and his calling her job into question that bothered her. That plus the words her parents said to her as they were leaving. If she hadn't been so distraught, she probably would have smiled a little when Olivia had told them to go to hell.

"Can I get you anything?" Jess asked, rubbing Alex's back. She hated this more than anything. She wished there was something she could have done to prevent what had just happened, but she knew nobody saw it coming. Nobody could have prepared Alex for that. She wiped away one of her own tears as she held Alex, waiting for her to speak.

"My life back. I've lost everything." Alex said softly.

"What?" Jess asked gently as she pulled Alex's head up to meet her eyes. "What do you mean?"

Alex laughed angrily and pulled away. "My job, my money, my family…hell, probably Olivia after she finds out I'm not inheriting twenty million dollars when my parents die. I've lost everything, Jess!"

Jess pulled her back into a hug and refused to let go even when Alex struggled against it. "No, Alex. You haven't lost everything. We don't know that you've lost your job. As for your inheritance, it doesn't matter." She felt Alex scoff at that last part, so she repeated herself. "It doesn't matter, Alex. Olivia loves _you_, not your money. She isn't going to care that you've lost the inheritance, I promise." She rubbed Alex's back and smiled. "And you haven't lost your entire family. We're family, too, remember?"

Alex smiled slightly and nodded. "I know, and I thank God everyday because you walked into my life." She sat up and took a deep breath as she met Jess' eyes. "You've helped me get through so much. You've helped me get my life back together. Hell, Olivia and I are back together because of you." She sighed and forced a smile. "Thank you."

Jess smiled and shook her head modestly. "Yeah well, you've done a lot for me, too. You accepted me very quickly, despite the circumstances. You didn't hate me after I told you what I did to Casey. You helped convince me that I deserve Allen. You came over yesterday to cheer me up, even though you knew today was going to be hell." She wrapped an arm around Alex. "Don't sell yourself short, Alex. You've done a lot yourself."

They stood and walked towards the door. Before Jess could open it, Alex grabbed her arm. "How do I face her?" she asked worriedly. "I wouldn't even talk to her when she was in here with me. How do I face her now?"

"You face her the same way you always do. She's worried about you, that's why she sent me in here. She's terrified of losing you, Alex. She's not going to leave you now, I promise."

Alex nodded and opened the door, allowing Jess to follow behind her. She looked up and saw Olivia standing fifteen feet away, tears pouring down her face as Allen gently rubbed her back. It broke her heart to see Olivia like that. She hated to see Olivia crying for her, though in a way it made her feel a little better. It proved that Olivia was feeling her pain. She walked over behind Olivia and placed a hand on her back. Olivia slowly turned around and wrapped her arms around Alex. They stood there like that for several minutes, sobbing in each other's arms.

"I was so scared you were going to walk out on me," Alex confessed.

"Never," Olivia said sternly through her tears. "I could never walk out on you. I love you too much."

"Even without the money?"

Olivia pulled out of the hug and forced Alex to look her in the eyes. "It was never about the money, Alex. Never. I have always loved _you_. Your money was never a factor in that."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," she said as she cupped Alex's face in her hands. "I fell in love with you even before I found out how much you were worth. Money isn't an issue, Alex. You are the most beautiful and amazing woman I know, and I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

Olivia wrapped her arm around her and smiled. "Come on. Let's get out of here. What do you say we go out to dinner tonight? My treat."

Alex smiled. "I'd like that."

Jess and Allen walked slowly over to the hugging women and smiled. "I think we'll let you two go," Jess told them. "You did great today, Alex. You did really great. Have an awesome dinner tonight."

"Thanks Jess," Alex answered with what was probably the first real smile she'd expressed since the day before. "I'll call you later. We'll grab lunch or something next week."

"Sounds good."

As they parted their separate ways, all four of them tried to understand and accept the events of the day. They all made a mental note to call Casey to make sure she was okay. They had all seen the look in her eyes as she left the courtroom, and they were worried. Still, Alex was proud of herself for the first time since she could remember, and she could tell her friends were proud of her as well. She felt finally felt loved and respected, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

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"Are you seriously planning on taking me to Le Cirque for dinner?" Alex asked as she pulled a long black dress from the closet. "It costs like, seventy dollars a person, Liv! You don't have to take me someplace this nice."

Olivia smiled and put on a pair of long silver earrings. "Of course I don't _have_ to take you there, but I want to. It's a nice restaurant and you deserve to go there. Just think of it that way. You've had one hell of a day, and you deserve to be pampered tonight."

"You want to pamper me?"

"Of course I do," she said smiling. She slipped off her shirt and pulled on a silk red sweater. "Who wouldn't want to pamper you?"

"Well, I'll have to issue two conditions on that request."

"Oh? And what might those be?"

Alex pulled on her dress and smiled as she walked over to Olivia. She turned around so her back was to her. "First, zip me up." After Olivia laughed and zipped up her dress, Alex turned to face her once again. "Second, you let me pamper you next time."

"Deal."

Alex smiled and shook her head. "Damn you look hot in red. You need to wear it more often."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," she laughed and pulled Olivia into a passionate kiss.

While she was slightly surprised by the sudden kiss, Olivia eagerly wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her back. It was the best kiss she'd ever had, and she never wanted it to end. She was falling in love with Alex more and more as each second passed. Finally, she was forced to pull out of the kiss. "You're going to ruin my lipstick, you know that don't you?"

"That's why I always wait until it's time to leave to put mine on. You never know what'll happen while we're getting ready." She winked and made her way to the bathroom to apply her own makeup.

As Alex was getting ready in the bathroom, Olivia finished getting dressed. She pulled on her favorite black skirt and checked the full – length mirror to make sure she had it on straight. She frowned at her appearance. The wrinkles in her face seemed more apparent than ever before. She was really starting to look her age now. Maybe if she put on more foundation she could hide it.

"I think you look gorgeous."

Olivia turned to see Alex standing in the doorway, smiling at her. She tried to fake a smile and walked away from the mirror. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Liv. I know you. I saw you frowning in the mirror. I know what you were thinking." She walked over to Olivia and grabbed her hand. "I don't ever want you to think that way again. If you can look at me and tell me I'm beautiful, you'd damned well better be able to look at yourself and see the same beauty I see."

"I've got age lines, Alex. My face is practically covered with age lines."

"And I've got knife wounds and cigarette burns. Get over it." She hadn't meant to sound angry, but it had accidentally come out that way. She had just wanted Olivia to know she thought she was beautiful, and that everyone has something about themselves that they don't like.

For a second, she was terrified that she'd horribly offended Alex. She looked away apologetically. "Alex, I –"

"Stop," Alex said sternly and met her eyes. "Don't apologize. It's okay. I know we all have ugly days and I didn't mean to make you feel bad for feeling that way. I just want you to know that I think you're absolutely gorgeous, age lines and all."

"I didn't mean…"

She nodded. "I know."

"I think you're pretty gorgeous yourself."

Alex smiled. "I'm learning to think so, too."

"It's the truth."

She took a deep breath and nodded slightly. "Right now, in this dress, I actually believe you. I've never been able to look at myself and see anything beautiful, but now I almost can. I have you to thank for that."

"Yeah well, I've never seen anything other than beauty in you."

"I know. Thank you so much, Liv. Thanks for sticking this out with me. You could have left at any time and I would have understood. Thanks for staying."

Olivia leaned in and lightly kissed her. "Leaving you was never an option. I can't imagine my life without you. You make me the happiest woman in the world."

"Likewise." Alex said and returned a light kiss. She looked down at her watch and almost screamed. "We're going to be late! Our reservation's in thirty minutes!"

"All this flirting really makes time go fast. It feels like it was just seven a minute ago. Come on. We'd better go."

As they made their way out the door and to the car, both women smiled. "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for taking me out tonight. I think I really needed it."

"I know you did. That's why I planned it."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. It's my job to make my girlfriend happy."

She smiled and shook her head. "Drive, Liv, or we're going to be really late."

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"You know," Allen said as he and Jess sat down for dinner that night. "I've been thinking."

"Uh oh. Should I be worried?"

"I don't think so. I've been thinking about us getting married," he said softly. He grinned when he saw the excited smile on her face. "I was thinking we should probably start planning for the wedding. I want it to be perfect for you."

"Allen, any wedding where I'm marrying you, is perfect."

He blushed. "Yeah well, I was thinking more along the lines of actually making some plans. Now I know you hate all things lavish and expensive, so I tried to think of something you might like." He paused for dramatic effect and took great pleasure in staring at her expectant face. "How would you like to get married in Central Park?"

"What?" she asked in disbelief. She knew he'd once expressed a desire to get married in a church. She'd always planned on doing just that, even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted. "I thought you wanted to get married in a church."

He nodded. "I did, at first. But now that I've been thinking about it, Central Park sounds much nicer. I know we wouldn't have a whole lot of guests, so I was thinking we could reserve a small spot for the wedding, maybe near the water. Then we could rent out a place at the Sheraton for the reception."

"The Sheraton's kind of expensive. Are you sure you –"

"It's fine. We'll have a DJ, some appetizers, and an open bar. It'll be wonderful."

She smiled excitedly. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea. Just don't get carried away. You know how much I hate spending money on useless and unimportant things."

He took her hand and squeezed it. "You, my dear, are neither unimportant nor useless. You are beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and you deserve the most perfect wedding in the world."

"When do you want to have it?"

"I don't know. Maybe mid or late May. I don't want it to be too hot."

She nodded in agreement. "We should start planning now then."

"Or we could just hire a wedding planner."

"Nope. Too expensive. I just want a podium for the priest, chairs for the guests, and a flower arbor to walk through before I walk down whatever aisle we make. Then we can say our vows and it'll all be very merry. The reception will be nice, with good appetizers and good music. Hell, we'll probably end up spending more money on the damn reception than the wedding," she laughed.

"Are you sure that's all you want for the wedding?"

"Absolutely. I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world. Why the hell would I want a whole bunch of unimportant crap everywhere I look?"

He leaned in and kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you, too."


	28. I will love you forever

Disclaimer: Maybe I can barter with Dick to give me partial ownership...

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"Oh Liv, this place is absolutely beautiful!" Alex said as they sat down at their table and opened their menus. "It's so expensive though."

"Yes, it is," she answered with a smile on her face. "But you're worth it. You get what you pay for here and the food is delicious. It's a beautiful restaurant for a beautiful woman. Now look at the menu and pick out whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?"

"Yes. It's on me tonight, and don't even think about worrying what this is going to cost. I've been setting aside some money so I could treat you tonight. I've got it covered."

Alex nodded and started looking over the menu. Everything looked so good, but it was all so expensive. She felt bad that Olivia was spending so much money on her, yet at the same time, she could see the eagerness in Olivia's eyes. _Does she really want to do this for me?_ She shook her head and smiled as she tried to decide what she wanted.

"Good evening ladies," a waitress said as she approached their table. "My name is Courtney and I'll be your waitress tonight. Can I start you out with something to drink?"

"Oh, um," Alex answered. She hadn't even begun to think what she wanted to eat, let alone what she wanted to drink. "I think I'll just have water."

"Water," Courtney nodded as she wrote on her pad. "And you miss?"

Olivia smiled at Alex's order, though she didn't say anything. "Could I have a virgin strawberry daiquiri please?"

"Absolutely. Are you ready to order or do you still need a few minutes?"

"I think we need a few more minutes to look over the menu," Olivia answered.

"Take your time. I'll be back with your drinks in a few minutes."

"Thank you," they both answered.

"The Spring Vegetable Casserole looks good," Olivia suggested once the waitress had left to retrieve their drinks. We could split that and get something at the end of the menu. They have a list of things that are supposed to be split with everyone at the table."

Alex nodded at the suggestion of the vegetable casserole, then flipped through the menu until she saw the end section. Her eyes widened in shock. "Liv, those items cost one hundred and thirty – five dollars! I can't do that to you!"

"Alex, we'd split it. It's okay."

She shook her head. "Liv, it's too expensive. Please, let me pick something that doesn't cost so much. I don't want you to spend that much on me."

Olivia took Alex's hand and smiled. "Alex, like I said, we'd split it. If you think about it, it's cheaper doing it this way than if we ordered separate appetizers and entrees anyway. Please Alex, I want to do this for you."

"The lobster ravioli does look really good," she finally admitted. The truth was, that was the item that had first caught her eye, but she had immediately dismissed the idea. It was way too expensive. She would simply choose something else. There were a lot of other very delicious choices that she could choose from.

"Then we should get the lobster ravioli."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. We'll get it and we'll enjoy it."

She nodded slightly in hesitant agreement. Was this really happening? Was her life really turning in this amazing direction? Was Olivia really doing this because she wanted to? As she and Olivia held hands, she looked her in the eyes and smiled. The answer to all those questions was a very definite _yes_.

Olivia squeezed Alex's hands gently and smiled. She wanted so desperately for Alex to see the same amazing and beautiful woman that she saw. Before she could say anything, Courtney returned with their drinks and asked if they were ready to order.

"I think we're going to start out with the vegetable casserole, then share the lobster ravioli." Olivia told her.

"Excellent choices," Courtney answered. I'll put your order in right away. Would you like the vegetables as an appetizer or would you like them to come out with your lobster?"

"Appetizer, please."

"I'll bring it out shortly."

"Thank you."

"Yeah," Alex said. "Thank you."

Olivia's gaze turned slightly more serious. "You don't have to thank me Alex. You and me, we're together now. That means we do things for each other. It means we can treat each other to dinner occasionally. It means I love you more than anything else in this world, and I want to do everything in my power to make you happy."

Tears welled in Alex's eyes as she heard Olivia's words. She wanted to believe them, and on some level, she did. This was hard. Sometimes she truly believed everything Olivia told her, yet at other times, she had a hard time doing so. For some reason, this was one of those times. "Liv, I…"

"You deserved to go out and have a nice dinner tonight," Olivia said sternly. "You deserve to be happy, Alex. You deserve to be treated with love." As Alex looked away in shame, she squeezed her hands. "I love you, Alex. I know nobody ever showed you any love when you were growing up, and I know that it's hard for you to believe anyone could possibly love you, but it's the truth. Casey loves you. Jess loves you. I love you. All the guys at the station love you. You have a family now, Alex. You have a family who loves you very, very much."

Alex looked away. She wasn't sure how to respond. She wanted so desperately to believe every word coming from Olivia's mouth, but she was terrified of allowing herself to do so. She was terrified that if she finally allowed herself to be loved, that love would be ripped away from her before she could do anything to stop it.

"I will love you forever, Alex, no matter what."

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"I just want to be able to walk under a nice arbor with white flowers around it," Jess said as she sat down with Allen to discuss wedding plans. "It'll be nice and simple, yet beautiful at the same time."

"Are you sure that's all you want? We could have other flowers or arrangements or something. I feel like this is so simple."

She smiled and rolled her eyes. "Yes, well, that's the point. I want it to be simple. We'll have nice white chairs for our guests, a podium for the priest, and an arbor for me to walk under."

"Maybe we should have a stage, nothing fancy or anything, but a stage nonetheless. We want our guests to actually be able to see us, right? What if it's just a little platform or something?"

She thought about it for a minute before nodding in agreement. "You're probably right. Just make sure it's a small platform. I don't want to be way up high or anything."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he laughed as he started sketching a simple example of how they wanted everything to look. He drew a small arbor with white roses and daisies wrapped around it starting at the bottom. He drew ten chairs on each side of the aisle, figuring they wouldn't have more than ten guests each, if that. In front of the chairs, he drew the platform, and on top of the platform, he drew the podium. He looked at it and frowned at its simplicity. "Are you sure this is all you want? I mean, weddings are supposed to be huge and fun and stuff. Don't you want more?"

"Allen, if you want a larger wedding, just tell me."

He shook his head. "No, it's not that. It's just…well I know how much weddings usually mean to the girls. I want you to have something special. I want this to be something you'll always remember."

She smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "I'll be marrying you. It'll be a night I'll never forget. Please don't feel like you have to make this some huge, extravagant wedding. If you want to add something to it, just do it. Let me know what you want. This isn't _my_ wedding. It's _our_ wedding."

He cupped her face in his right hand and kissed her lightly. "God, I love you. Thank you so much for accepting my proposal. I was so terrified that you would run away and never come back."

She blushed and looked away. "I kind of did run away."

"Yeah, but only for a few minutes. You came back. That's what matters. You came back and told me you loved me. That's what's important." He smiled eagerly as he looked at his drawing. "You do realize that May is only three months away, right?"

"Yep. That's yet another reason to keep this simple. We'll rent a spot in Central Park, get a priest, and that's it. Who all are you planning on inviting?"

He scrunched up his face in an effort to figure out who would be on his invite list. "I was thinking my moms and my grandparents. Maybe Kevin and Nick – remember them from school?" when she nodded, he continued. "I don't know. Of course we'd have to invite all the guys and Liv and Alex and Casey. I don't know who else to invite."

"I don't either. I don't have any family except Alex anyways. Looks like our guest list is going to be incredibly short."

"It'll still be nice."

"Well, that's only because I'm marrying you."

"Nope."

"Really?"

"It's because I'm the one marrying you."

They laughed as they put away the drawing. It was done. All they had left to do now was rent out a spot in the park, find a priest, and let everyone know the date. They were sure everyone would be able to get a Saturday off anyway, so they weren't worried. "We've got to be the only ones in the world who aren't even the least bit worried about planning a wedding in three months," Allen said as they climbed into bed that evening.

"Yeah well, we still need to find a decent priest. I'm not looking in the yellow pages. I don't want any 1-800-PICK-A-PRIEST. I want a real one."

"I think I remember Alex saying something about Cragen knowing a good one. I'll give him a call tomorrow."

"Good."

"We're getting married in three months!"

She couldn't keep the huge grin off her face. "I know! Are you excited?"

"Ecstatic. You?"

"Absolutely. I love you."

"I love you, too."

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Dinner that night had been simply amazing for both Alex and Olivia. They had both enjoyed the vegetable casserole as well as the lobster ravioli. It was an incredible evening, but Olivia could sense the fear in Alex's mind the entire time. Alex was spiraling downhill fast, and Olivia was worried. She continually shied away from Olivia's touch and refused to look up when Olivia told her she loved her. Olivia just prayed that this was because of the events earlier in the day, rather than something much larger.

That night, in bed, Alex once again pulled away from Olivia. As soon as Olivia's arm started to wrap around her and she tried to kiss her, Alex pulled away. "Please, Liv," she begged. "Please not tonight. I can't."

Olivia tried her best not to let her disappointment show. She could see the fear in Alex's eyes as she uttered those words. "Okay," she said as she smiled and pushed the hair out of Alex's face.

"I'm so sorry. It's just been such a long day and I'm exhausted and –"

"It's okay," Olivia assured her. She hated that Alex was pushing her away, both physically and emotionally. It had started the second they had sat down at their table at Le Cirque. Olivia knew it had been a hard day for Alex, so she decided to give her some space. She just prayed Alex opened up soon, prayed that she allowed herself to feel loved. "I love you so much," she whispered as she felt Alex finally relaxing next to her. "I will never, ever stop loving you. Never. I love you, Alex. I love you."

Those words pulled Alex from the sleep she so desperately wanted to disappear into. They were just three words. Three simple words, yet they were strong enough to move mountains. Her body shook as she tried to fight the tears. She felt Olivia hesitantly put a loving arm around her, and she gave up fighting. She let the tears fall. "I don't deserve you. You shouldn't have to do all this, Liv. I'm not worth it."

Olivia wrapped her other arm around her and allowed Alex to rest her head against her chest. She gently brushed the hair out of her eyes and ran her fingers through it. "Oh, honey," she said, trying to fight her own tears. "You deserve all the happiness in the world."

Alex shook her head. "But you shouldn't have to deal with all this!"

Olivia stopped combing her fingers through Alex's hair and turned her head so they were facing each other. "Alex listen to me," she said sternly. "I don't _have_ to do any of this. I _want_ to do it. I want to make you happy because I love you, because you deserve it. I just wish I could do more. Sitting here telling you I love you seems like I'm not doing nearly enough." She kissed the top of Alex's head and continued combing her hair with her fingers.

"Liv," Alex said, her voice shaky. "Do you have any idea how much you've done for me? You have stayed with me this entire time. You have continuously held me and let me cry whenever I needed to, no matter what. You have repeatedly told me you love me even when I felt most unlovable. You weren't disgusted when you saw my scars. You have shown me more love than I've ever seen before. I just…I feel so bad that you're doing all of this. I feel like you're doing so much for me and giving me so much and I've got nothing to give in return."

Tears poured down Olivia's cheeks as she listened to Alex's confession. She wrapped her arms tightly around the woman and rubbed her back. "You've given me everything I could ever, ever want. Every single morning that I wake up and see you next to me, I know I have everything I need to be happy, because I have you. I need you in my life Alex. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Yes, I've accepted you, but you've also accepted me. That's what makes us so great. We're a team, Alex. We love and accept each other. That's what we're all about. I love you, Alex. I love you so much."

Alex was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe. "I-I l-love you t-too," she forced out. "I love you, too." She relaxed her head against Olivia's chest and allowed herself to feel the love she so desperately needed. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. Slowly but surely, she was allowing herself to feel loved. Ever since the first time she'd heard Olivia utter those words, she desperately wanted to believe them, yet they terrified her as well. Allowing herself to believe them meant she was completely putting her trust in Olivia. That had never been an option before. Now, however, she felt ready to do it. "Thank you."

Olivia smiled with relief. "I love you, Alex. Get some rest. I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise."

"I know you will. Good night."

"Good night, sweetie."

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"We need to do something about Casey," Jess told Alex at lunch three days after the horrible scene in the courtroom. "I haven't heard from her and she won't answer her phone. I'm getting worried."

Alex shoved a forkful of salad into her mouth and nodded. "She hasn't been back to work since. I talked to Steve and he said she only gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. She's not eating much either."

"Robin Williams and Oreos?"

Alex smiled and nodded. "Robin Williams and Oreos."

"When?"

"I actually don't have anything to do today. I'm only here to finish some paperwork, but that can wait. I want to see her as soon as possible. I don't like what I'm hearing from Steve. When are you free?"

She thought for a minute and nodded. "We can do it today. I have some brochures to finish but I think I might be able to get Allen to do them. There's not a whole lot left to do and Casey's a hell of a lot more important than some brochures."

"Do you want to go now?"

Jess nodded. "I think we should. Do you want to just show up or should we call first?"

"I'll give Steve's cell a call. We should stop by your place and pick up the movie."

"Sounds like a plan. Let's go."

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"Casey, honey," Steve said softly as he entered the bedroom. He frowned as he saw her still lying in bed. It had only been three days, yet she looked like she'd gone weeks without food or sunlight. Her normally pale complexion was even paler, and he could see her shoulder bones protruding more than normal. He sat next to her and held her hand. "How would you feel about having some visitors today?"

"Who would want to visit me?"

"A lot of people have been calling. Everyone's worried honey." He paused and squeezed her hand. "Please sweetie, let these people help you today."

She gave him an inquisitive look. "Who'd you call? Are you hauling me off to some psych ward or something? I figured you would, especially since I seem to be going crazy right now."

He laughed slightly. "Case, it's nothing like that, I promise. Just please, try to let yourself feel something other than guilt today. If it's killing me to see you like this, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now." He leaned into her and wrapped an arm around her. "I love you, Case."

"I love you, too. I'm so sorry Steve. I just…this whole case and everything that happened the other day. I can't…I feel like…"

"It's okay, honey," he assured her. "I won't tell you who's coming over. I want that to be a surprise. Just please, try to give them a chance. They'll make you feel better, I promise."

She nodded slightly and wiped away a tear. "Okay," she whispered.

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With the movie and several bags of Oreos, Alex and Jess approached Casey's house and rang the bell. They smiled when Steve opened the door. "Thanks for letting us come over on such short notice," Alex said as he let them in.

"Guys, don't thank me. I should be the one thanking you. I've been so worried about her. She's not doing too well right now. She feels terrible about what happened."

"I know. That's why we're here. Olivia really wanted to come, too, but she got stuck at work. Jess and I will have to do."

He smiled at the two of them. "Well thank you both. She's in our room. I told her that I'd be running some errands. I think she needs some time with just the two of you. She can call me if she needs to though. My phone will be on."

"We've got her, Steve," Jess spoke for the first time. While she knew things between her and Steve were okay now, she still felt awkward. "We'll take good care of her, I promise."

He sighed and nodded. "Okay, thanks. I'll be home in a few hours."

As soon as he left, Alex and Jess slowly headed to Casey's room. They frowned as they saw her defeated form lying on the bed. "Oh, Casey," Alex said softly as she made her way slowly to the bed. "I'm so sorry. I should have called you sooner."

Casey sat up slowly and was surprised to feel Alex's arms wrap around her. "You're sorry?" she asked in disbelief. "Alex I should be the one apologizing. I am so sorry about what happened. I knew he was up to something and I swear to you if I had any idea what he was going to do I –"

"Shh, Case stop," Alex said gently as she rubbed her back. "Please don't do this to yourself. None of what happened was your fault. I know you did your best and I thank you so, so much for that. You put your entire life on hold to prepare for my trial. There's no way you or anyone else could have seen this coming." She forced Casey's head up so their eyes met, and then she smiled. "There's no way I would ever have had the courage to get through this trial if it had been anyone other than you prosecuting, and I wouldn't change a thing if it meant I had to do it with someone else. You did a great job Casey. I love you so much for everything you did. You worked your ass off and I could tell. Please don't feel bad about it. It wasn't your fault."

"You promise you're not mad?"

"Oh yes. I'm not even the least bit mad at you."

"But what happened, Alex! I saw the look in your eyes and after Jennings went nuts and Simpkins didn't try to stop it and –"

"And it wasn't your fault." She paused and let Casey absorb her words. "Come on. Jess is waiting for us in the living room."

"She came, too?"

"Yep, and we brought Robin Williams and Oreos. That combination has helped cheer both of us up several times, and we figured it would do the same for you. Come join us. I promise you won't regret it."

"I haven't showered in three days…I look a mess!"

"Then take a quick one and come join us."

A small and grateful smile appeared on her face as she stood and began gathering her things. "Thanks Alex. I'm so –"

"Don't you dare finish that apology. Go take your shower. Jess and I will be waiting when you're done. I promise this is going to be okay."

"I'll see you two when I'm done."

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Olivia sat at her computer and tried her best to figure out what she was going to do for their one-year anniversary. Yes it was nearly six months away, but she wanted it to be something amazing. She remembered Alex saying something about loving cruises. She had been on several, Olivia remembered, but had never been on a European one. Olivia smiled as she decided what she wanted to get her for their anniversary. She began researching and found that they offered all-gay cruises. This was even better. Alex was still a little hesitant around other people. She was always scared people were staring. If they were surrounded by others like them, she knew Alex would have a much better time. After researching for hours, she found one that went from Barcelona to Athens. It was a nine-day cruise and it was perfect. As she began researching the price, she started getting discouraged. The airfare plus a room with a balcony, which she desperately wanted, was going to cost nearly six thousand dollars. She didn't have nearly enough money to do that. Just as she was about to give up, she decided that she would do something she would never imagine herself doing if it weren't for her love for Alex. As soon she knew she could get a moment alone with Jess, she would ask to borrow the money. She knew Jess would gladly give it to her, but she still felt weird asking for the money.

"Just do it, Liv," she told herself as she looked at the site. "Alex is worth a hell of a lot more than your pride." She smiled as she scrolled through all the pictures the site had and couldn't conceal her excitement. The cruise looked amazingly fun and the points of interest were beautiful. This was it. She was taking Alex on a cruise for their one-year anniversary. She couldn't wait.

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Okay, I'm thinking one or two more chapters then this story will be over. It's sad, I know, but I'm making a sequal…


	29. Cheers

Disclaimer: Maybe I can barter with Dick to give me partial ownership...

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"You guys," Casey said playfully as she joined Alex and Jess on the couch. "You really didn't have to come over here and do this for me. You probably have much more important things to worry about and –"

"Shush," Jess said as she pushed the play button on the remote. "We have only one rule and that's no talking when Robin's talking. Eat a few Oreos, enjoy the movie, and we'll talk later."

"Jess," Casey tried to argue.

"Shush! It's starting."

Casey looked at Alex, who just smiled and shook her head as she turned her attention to the movie. She decided to just sit back and enjoy the show. As it began, she couldn't help but smile at the two women sitting next to her. _I have the best friends in the world,_ she thought. Once Robin began with his jokes, she knew Jess and Alex had given her exactly what she needed. She relaxed and leaned back into the couch, ready to allow Robin to work the magic Jess and Alex claimed he did.

While Alex and Jess no longer found the movie nearly as funny as when they had first seen it, they still couldn't help laughing at some of the jokes. They were both so glad to see Casey doing the same. She had looked so distraught at first that they weren't sure Robin and Oreos were going to be enough to pull her out of it. Now, they were happy to see their plan working. She was laughing and wiping the tears from her eyes by the time the credits were rolling.

"Robin really does work miracles, doesn't he?" Alex asked once she was sure Casey was done crying. She wrapped her arm around her shoulders and gave a friendly squeeze.

She looked up and wiped the final tears from her eyes. "You two were right. Thank you so much. I really needed this. I think I really, really needed to see you two. I was just…"

"Well we're just glad to see you smiling again," Jess said as Casey's voice drifted off. "You really had us worried for a little while. We weren't liking what we were hearing from Steve."

She nodded and looked away, embarrassed. "I know, and I'm so sorry. I know I should have called or said something, but…I just…I didn't know how to face you, Alex. I was so sure I'd fail you and –"

"Hey," Alex said gently as she grabbed Casey's hands. "You didn't fail me. You did nothing of the sort. You kicked ass in that courtroom, Case. I can't even begin to thank you for that. You objected to nearly every one of Simpkins' questions, and I mean you _really_ objected. It's not everyday I get to hear someone yell 'Objection' with such passion. It meant a lot to me that he was upsetting you that much. You did such a great job in there. Please, please, please believe that."

"She's right you know," Jess said encouragingly. "I've seen my fair share of trials, and you were great. I smiled every single time you yelled 'objection' and I'm pretty sure the jury did, too."

Casey found herself wiping more tears from her eyes as she swallowed in an attempt to keep from breaking down completely. "Thanks you guys. This means so much to me."

"Just promise me something," Alex said.

"What?"

"Don't ever do this to me again! You had us so worried. Please, if you ever, ever need anything, call me. You could never be a disappointment to me, so please, don't ever think that that's what you are. It's not possible. Not after the great job you did with this case."

"Alex –"

"And don't even try to argue with me about this because you'll lose. You did a great job, Casey. Leave it at that."

Casey sighed and finally admitted defeat. "Okay. Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just keep doing your best. Trust me when I say that your best is damned good."

"Thanks guys."

Jess smiled. "Anytime, Case."

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"Thanks for meeting me for lunch today, Jess," Olivia said as she took a bite of her tuna fish sandwich. They were sitting at Olivia's desk and trying to ignore the chaotic squad room around them. There wasn't anything happening that required Olivia's immediate attention, so she did her best to tune it out.

"Yeah, no problem," Jess said happily. She took a few bites of salad before returning her gaze to Olivia. "You said you needed a favor?"

She looked away and played with her salad. She wasn't sure how to ask this and she hated that it was so hard for her to do. What was so damn hard about asking to borrow money? She took a deep breath and tried to avoid Jess' gaze. "I, um, I was wondering if maybe I could…I need to um…"

"Liv?" Jess asked with a smile. "What is it that you need?"

Olivia took a deep breath and looked up at Jess. "Mine and Alex's one-year anniversary is in just over five months."

Jess put her hand over her mouth and smiled. "Oh my God you're right! I can't believe I've known you guys almost a year now. What are you planning on doing for it?"

Olivia smiled at Jess' excitement. "I was thinking I would take her on a cruise," she said modestly. "I found one that's, well it's all-gay and they have a nine-day cruise from Barcelona to Athens that looks really nice."

"A cruise, huh? Liv, that's awesome. She's going to absolutely love it." Jess smiled happily as she expressed her enthusiasm.

"Yeah," she said as she looked away again.

"What's wrong?"

"It's really expensive."

Jess smiled. "How much do you need, Liv?"

"What? Jess, I –"

"Liv, you invited me to lunch because you said you needed a favor. I'm guessing that, from the way you're acting right now, you need a little help paying for this cruise." She waited until Olivia nodded slightly before continuing. "That's what I thought. How much do you need, Liv?"

"Six thousand. I promise I'll –"

"It's done. I can have it put into your account whenever you need it."

Olivia frowned and licked her lips nervously. "I was actually wondering, and you can totally say no if you don't want to do this, but I was wondering if maybe you could pay for it and I could pay you back. That way she won't know it's happening. We have a joint bank account and if there's suddenly a lot of activity she's going to get suspicious and I want this to be a surprise and –"

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up," she said and smiled. "Just give me the information and I'll put it on my card."

"Thanks, Jess."

Jess looked up hesitantly and gave a slightly mischievous smile. "I, um, I actually had an idea, too. I've been thinking about it for a while now, since I figured you two were staying together anyway. I actually got it from an old friend in high school. She did it for a friend of hers who was going through a really rough time and I thought it was incredible."

"What is it?"

"You mentioned she's been having a hard time lately with believing you and everyone else loves her, right?"

Olivia nodded sadly. "Yeah. She was doing better. She was really starting to believe that she deserved to be loved and everything, but after that day in the courtroom, she's been falling. She's not so sure anymore and it's killing me."

Jess nodded understandingly and sat up straight in her chair to explain her idea. "Add another room off your bedroom – a small one, no bigger than say, eight by nine feet or something." She smiled at Olivia's surprised reaction. "I know, it's crazy, but hear me out. Once you've got the room built, you paste pictures all over the walls. One wall is just one huge, blown-up one of the two of you or something. We'd put a few pillows or beanbags or a couch or something in there and have music playing. Then, if she's ever feeling alone or anything, she can go in the room and be constantly surrounded by everyone who loves her."

Olivia smiled as Jess looked uncomfortably away, afraid her idea was too outrageous. It was the best idea she'd ever heard, and Alex was going to absolutely love it. It was something she'd never think of herself. The only problem was cost. She hated to see Jess pay for everything right now. "Jess, that is by far the most amazing idea I've ever heard. She would absolutely love that. Are you sure you can pay for the cruise and this at the same time?"

"Liv, I've got plenty of money to cover it, don't worry about that."

"You really want to put an addition on our house?"

"On two conditions."

"You're giving me conditions on adding onto my own house?" Olivia joked.

"Yep. One, the addition has to be okay with you."

"Trust me, it's okay."

"Good. Second, you have to give me all the pictures of the two of you that you want on the walls. It's your house, so I wouldn't want to do anything you didn't like. You pick the pictures. I'll put them on the walls." She paused for several seconds, waiting for Olivia to picture in her mind how it would look when it was finished. "What do you think?"

"I think it's going to make her the happiest woman in the world. How do you want to work it?"

"I think we'll build it while you're on your cruise. That way it'll be a surprise."

Olivia laughed. "You're trying to outdo me, aren't you?"

"Absolutely not. This room won't just be from me. It'll be from everyone. I've talked to Casey and Elliot about it, and Elliot talked to the squad. They're all in. Steve and Allen are helping, too."

"Good," she said as she breathed a sigh of relief. "That makes me feel a little better."

"Are you sure it's okay that we'd be doing this while you're gone?"

"Yeah, I trust you enough."

"Do you have any particular pictures you want me to use? I already have some of everyone else with Alex, as well as a lot of shots of her with individual people. Do you have any of just the two of you?"

"I have a few, but I can get some more taken the next few times we go out. I know she's been wanting to get some more to put in a photo album. I'll just tell her that's what I'm doing."

"Great." Jess looked down at her watch. "Well, I'd better get going. I have to finish a pamphlet by tonight and I've still got a lot of work to do on it."

"Okay, well good luck with that."

"Thanks, I'm going to need it."

As Jess made her way to the door, Olivia smiled. "And Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll get you the information for the cruise tomorrow."

"Okay, sounds good."

"Thank you. I'll pay you back as quickly as I can."

Jess shook her head. "Don't worry, there's no rush, and there's no interest. Take as long as you need, Liv. It's okay."

She nodded and tried to smile. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now get back to work. I'm sure you've got plenty of bad guys to put away."

"Unfortunately. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay. See you later."

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"Steve, I just got off the phone with Petrovsky," Casey said excitedly at dinner two weeks after the incident in the courtroom. "She told me Simpkins is going to get twenty years in prison for that little stunt he pulled!"

His eyes widened as he dropped his fork in surprise. "_Twenty_ years? How?"

Casey smiled. "Petrovsky's good. She did a hell of a lot of digging." She then frowned and looked down at her dinner. "Apparently the Cabots paid him two hundred and fifty thousand dollars to do this to her."

"WHAT?" he screamed.

She nodded and sighed. "Yeah. They contacted him and offered to pay him if he promised to embarrass her and call her job into question. They wanted her to have to relive all of that in front of everybody, apparently to teach her a lesson or something."

"That's sick."

"Yeah, well, he got caught. He's being charged with accepting a bribe, hindering prosecution, and contempt of court. He won't get out anytime soon."

"Good." He took several bites of his salad before realizing Casey hadn't eaten anything. "Does Alex know?"

She shook her head. "I haven't told her yet."

"You should. You know she'd really appreciate it."

"I know. It's just hard. That woman had been through so much and I hate to have to put her through more."

He smiled and took her hand. "Case, you know that she's going to find out no matter what. Don't you think she'd rather hear it from a friend?"

"I know, you're right. I'll give her a call tomorrow."

"Good. She'll be glad you did, I promise."

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Casey was concentrating so hard on her paperwork that she barely heard the subtle knock on her door. When she heard it again, louder this time, she looked up and rolled her eyes, irritated that someone was interrupting her paperwork time. "Come in," she yelled.

The door opened and Alex hesitantly stuck her head in. "Everything okay? Can I come in?"

Casey shook her head in embarrassment and smiled. "Alex, sorry. I kind of, um…well I kind of forgot I invited you for lunch. Please, come in. Sorry the place is such a mess."

Alex put her purse down on the floor and took a seat at the desk in front of Casey. "No problem. I have clients show up all the time and I'll have absolutely no idea they have an appointment until they're literally sitting at my desk with that expectant look in their eyes."

She laughed as she looked down at the papers in front of her. Unfortunately, that was probably the worst place she could have turned her eyes. The papers listed all the details of Simpkins' charges and everything she had to bring him down. Her face contorted to one of hesitation and fear, but she tried her best to hide it.

Alex, always able to pick up on people's true feelings, wasn't fooled. "Spill, Case. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lied.

"Casey, something's wrong. What is it?"

She took a deep breath. "I guess I'll start with the good news. I talked to Petrovsky today. We still have to go to court to finalize a few things, but it looks like I'll be able to get Simpkins sentenced to twenty years."

Alex's eyes widened. She had to put her hands on the desk to keep herself upright. "Did I hear you say what I think you said? _Twenty years_? How the hell did you manage that?"

Casey looked down in her lap. "That's where the bad news comes in."

"Case, please, just tell me. What's going on?"

"Well, as you know he's being charged with contempt and hindering prosecution. Apparently Petrovsky and the detectives did some digging and found something else." She paused, trying to figure out how best to tell Alex. She bit her lower lip, "He's also being charged with accepting a bribe, and since it was a bribe that was potentially damaging to the investigation and trial, he'll get the maximum penalty."

"Accepting a bribe," she said softly as she tried to let the words sink in. Somebody had paid him to do this to her? He had received money to do this to her. Who on earth hated her that much? Then it hit her. She looked up at Casey in horror as she realized who it was. "My parents."

Casey nodded slowly. "Alex, I'm so sorry."

"You're prosecuting?"

She nodded. "Normally I wouldn't since it's not SVU, but they're giving it to me anyway since I'm already involved with the case."

"Good," she said shakily. "That's good."

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. "You just told me my own parents paid a lawyer to torture me in court. No, I'm not okay. I'm nowhere near okay." She tried her best to be honest while at the same time prevent herself from crying. She could tell Casey she wasn't okay, but she would not let herself cry.

Casey stood up and walked around the table. She pulled Alex out of the chair and led her over to the couch. As they sat down, Alex bit her lower lip in an effort to keep the tears away. "It's okay to cry, Alex," Casey told her. "It's okay."

With those words, and Casey's arm wrapped around her, Alex could no longer hold back the tears. She leaned into Casey and felt Casey's arms wrap around her tightly. Finally, she let the tears fall. She sobbed into Casey's chest as Casey softly ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed her back.

"I'm going to put him away for a long time. I promise."

"I know," Alex said shakily. "Thank you."

Casey smiled as she held Alex. "I just wish there was more that I could do."

"Just nail his ass. That's all you can do."

"Then that's what I'll do."

Alex sat up and smiled as she wiped away a few tears. "And when you're done, you'd better believe I'm taking you out to the best damn celebratory dinner ever."

"I'd like that."

"Good. It's settled."

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Allen was just about to start cooking dinner when Jess walked in with an armload of groceries and take-out Chinese. "What's with the Chinese? I thought we had plenty of food here."

"Oh, we do. I just didn't feel like cooking or cleaning anything tonight."

He could tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. He'd spoken with Elliot earlier that day and had heard what was happening with Simpkins. Now, seeing Jess' exhaustion and sadness, he was sure she'd heard as well. "It's not fair, I know."

"How could her parents be so cruel?"

He walked over and put his arms around her. "I don't know. Some people are just plain crazy. All we can do now is support her and pray that she makes it through this."

"I think she will…I hope she will."

"I'm sure she will. She's made it this far all on her own. Now she's got a hell of a lot of people supporting her." He kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back. "I think she's going to be just fine."

"Yeah."

"You in the mood to hear some good news?"

"I would kill to hear some good news."

He smiled and lifted her head so their eyes met. "I booked us a spot in Central Park for May 10. It's a Saturday. Our wedding's at five. It's by the water and it's absolutely beautiful. There's a little bridge off to one side, but we probably won't use it. It'll still look pretty, plus we can put flowers on it or something. We have a good-sized field and a lot of trees in the background. I checked it out today and I think it's perfect."

She couldn't help but smile when she heard what he was saying. "You are the most amazing man in the world, do you know that?" she said as she leaned over and kissed him lightly.

"So you keep saying," he laughed. "And I think you're the most amazing woman in the world. Imagine that, the two most amazing people in the world getting married. Who would have guessed?"

"Not me."

He laughed. "Well I bet that Chinese is getting cold. What did you bring?"

"I got myself sweet and sour chicken. I got you beef stir fry."

"Excellent. Lets eat."

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"Liv, let me get this straight," Alex said that night in bed. She laid on her side, facing Olivia, trying to figure out what she had just been told. "You want to take me on an all-gay cruise for our anniversary?"

Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and smiled. "Only if it's okay with you. I looked over the information and it looks like a lot of fun. I figured it would be something we could both enjoy."

She scrunched her face in hesitation. "I wouldn't embarrass you? You'd be okay…being in public with me in a bathing suit?"

Olivia stopped rubbing Alex's face and held her hand on her cheek. "Of course I would be okay with it. I would. I would be honored to be seen with you in public. There's absolutely nothing embarrassing about you." She paused and studied Alex's face. "Would you be okay with it? We could always do something else. It's okay."

Alex thought for a few minutes. She stared into Olivia's eyes and saw more love and compassion than she'd ever seen before. She took a deep breath and smiled. "You know what? I think I'd be okay with it. I really think I would."

Olivia smiled and pulled her close. "I love you so much, Alex. I love you so, so much."

Alex tilted her head up and kissed her. "I love you, too."

"Good night, sweetie. I'll show you the information tomorrow."

"Okay. Good night, and thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything. Especially tonight. Today was hard…hearing about my parents and everything. Just…thank you."

"Well, you're welcome. Now get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

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Simpkins' trial came much quicker than anyone had anticipated. As Casey sat at her desk looking over her paperwork, she allowed herself a small sigh of relief. The trial was less than four hours away, and she couldn't wait for it to begin. She was more than ready for it, and everyone had promised to be there to support her. It was the first time since this whole mess had started that she felt prepared and confident that she was going to win. As the time grew closer, she couldn't help but feel a little excited. She couldn't wait to nail him. He was only being charged with accepting a bribe in this proceeding because he had been immediately found guilty of hindering prosecution and contempt.

Steve drove her to the courthouse, and she was happy to see that everyone except Cragen, who had gotten stuck in a meeting and wouldn't be able to attend, had already arrived and taken their seats. She smiled at all of them and took her seat at the desk. This was going to be the easiest case she'd ever fought.

When she finished her opening argument, she was pretty sure everyone behind her would have started cheering had they not been in a courtroom. As she walked back to her desk and saw their smiling faces, her confidence grew even more. This was going to be a piece of cake. She looked over her notes once again as Simpkins was being sworn in, then stood to begin her questioning.

"Mr. Simpkins, will you please explain to the court how you came in contact with the Cabots?"

He smiled. "They contacted me as soon as they found out this case was actually going to trial and that she would be testifying. I told them she would be explaining what had happened, and they got pissed. They told me they would pay me a quarter of a million dollars if I tortured her, so that's exactly what I did."

Casey nodded. "And what, exactly, is it about Ms. Cabot that you hate so much? Why would you want to call her job into question?"

"Because she's a bitch!" he screamed. "That whore actually had the nerve to beat me every single time we were up against each other! _I am a man_! I should be the one beating her! She never let me win – not once!"

As he was yelling, the courtroom was filled with hushed whispers and Petrovsky banged her gavel in an attempt to control the scene. "Order!" she screamed. "Order in this courtroom!" Simpkins sat back in his seat and tried to compose himself, realizing how much he was probably damaging his case by screaming. "You are to calm down, Mr. Simpkins."

"My apologies, Your Honor."

"Continue, Ms. Novak."

"Why were you so upset with a woman as the Bureau Chief?"

He shook his head and laughed, as if that was the dumbest question he'd ever been asked. "It wasn't so much that she was a woman. It was more that she was an emotionally unbalanced woman. She's crazy. Alexandra Cabot is fucking crazy. She has uncontrolled panic attacks, she cries for no reason, and she wakes up from nightmares nearly every single night. That's not the kind of person I want as my boss."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows as she went to check her notes again. She shook her head, unable to find what she thought would be in there, given what he had just said. She turned around and walked back to the center of the courtroom. "Mr. Simpkins, how do you know about Ms. Cabot's supposed nightmares?"

That question had caught him off guard. He hesitated, trying to think of what to say. "I…um, well, I – I think I maybe found out from her parents."

"You think you maybe found out from her parents?" she said, with obvious doubt in her voice.

"Yeah, I think that's right."

She shook her head. "I would hope you'd know your sources a little better, especially if it was something this important. Besides, how would they know about what she was going through?"

"Because she's their daughter!"

"Yes, yes, right, and she hasn't lived with them in nearly twelve years."

The color literally drained from his face. He'd realized he had stumbled into a lie that he couldn't get out of, and Casey had seen right through it. "She has nightmares nearly every night!" he screamed, his anger getting the best of him once again. "I've seen them! I've seen her wake up screaming from them!"

Casey's jaw tightened and she gave him a questioning glance. "You've seen them?"

He didn't answer. He refused to at that point. Doing so had already gotten him in enough trouble as it was. Maybe if he just kept his mouth shut, he'd be okay.

"Your Honor, please instruct the witness to answer the question," Casey said.

"Mr. Simpkins, please answer Ms. Novak's question."

"Fine," he took a deep breath. He was already in trouble, no use trying to get out of it now. "I saw her on the videos."

Casey froze in horror. "What videos?" she asked, terrified of what she was going to find out.

"The videos I took after her parents paid me to ruin her career."

"You took videos of her without her permission?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I wanted to make sure she was really as crazy as she seemed."

Casey wasn't sure what to do. She hadn't expected this at all. "Your Honor, I wish to bring up a second charge of video voyeurism against Mr. Simpkins."

Petrovsky nodded. "Okay. We'll have a brief recess so I can figure out what the hell to do with you, Mr. Simpkins. Meet back here in three hours."

As the courtroom began emptying, Casey turned her attention to Alex, who was struggling to make sense of what had just happened. She hesitantly made her way towards her, and was surprised when Alex wrapped her arms around her. "Alex, I –"

"Thank you," Alex said.

"What?"

"You found another reason to lock him up. He'll go away for even more time now. Thank you." She pulled out of the hug and forced a small smile. "I know you probably want to start feeling guilty and blame yourself for my finding out about this now, but don't. Don't you dare start blaming yourself. You know evidence pops up all the time during these proceedings. You're doing great so far. Keep it up."

Casey wrapped her arms tightly around Alex and sighed with relief. "Thank you for not getting upset with me." She stood back and smiled. "I have to go talk to Petrovsky. I'm sure Simpkins' lawyer will want to deal but there's no way in hell I'm accepting anything less than twenty-five years at this point. Not with this new information."

Alex smiled. "Simpkins is sixty years old. I doubt he'll even last twenty-five years in prison."

"Yes, well, that's the point."

"Go get him Casey. We'll be going out to dinner before you know it."

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Alex and Casey found themselves at dinner sooner than expected. Only four days after Simpkins' first day in court, he had been found guilty on all charges. He had admitted to everything and refused to put up any more of a fight. Casey, in an attempt to prevent more stress and wasted time, had reluctantly agreed to take a deal with Simpkins' lawyer. Simpkins would be spending a time of no less than twenty-five years in a medium-security prison. Now, as they sat down to eat, she couldn't help smiling and feeling a little bit proud of herself.

"Case, do you have any idea how awesome you were in that courtroom?" Alex asked once they had placed their orders.

She smiled. "I did okay."

"Okay? _Okay?_ Casey, you were great! You nailed Jennings right away, and then you went and nailed Simpkins."

She couldn't keep the proud smile off her face. "I guess I did, didn't I?"

Alex laughed. "Uh, yeah, yeah ya did. Thank you so much."

Casey sighed happily. "I'm just glad I could help. If putting the bad guys away helps, then I'm all for it."

"Yeah, well, you did a hell of a lot more than just sending those two to jail. You helped me, too." She met Casey's eyes and smiled. "You helped me a lot. I never would have been able to get through this without you, Case."

"Alex, stop," Casey said modestly.

"Nope. You have been such a great friend to me, and I thank you. Leave it at that."

Casey nodded. "Okay. You're welcome. Thank you for taking me out to dinner. I really didn't feel like cooking tonight."

"Well, it's for a job very well done." She held up her wine glass. "Cheers. To great friends and putting bad guys away."

Casey clinked her glass against Alex's. "Cheers."

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Yikes, that chapter was a hell of a lot longer than I expected it to be. Sorry guys.

Okay yea, I think the next chapter will be the last one. I'll probably start the sequel soon, though :)


	30. Always and Forever

Disclaimer: Maybe I can barter with Dick to give me partial ownership...

How about a crazy-long chapter to end the story, eh?

I had to re-upload this chapter because I messed up a few things. Also, I gave the title to the sequel at the end, just in case people were wondering.

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Jess and Alex sat at Jess' dining room table looking over the wedding details as Allen washed the lunch dishes. As she picked through the color choices for the invitations, she looked up at Alex and smiled. The woman was organizing everything by size and color so Jess would have an easier time going through it all and making her decisions.

"What?" Alex asked when she felt Jess' eyes on her.

"I was just thinking…" Jess started.

"Yes?"

Jess smiled nervously and folded her hands in her lap. "I was just wondering if maybe, well I thought maybe you'd like to be my maid of honor."

"Me?" Alex asked, surprised.

"Only if you want to."

Alex smiled warmly and stood up to hug the girl. "I would love to."

As she wrapped her arms around Alex, Jess couldn't help but cry tears of joy. "Thank you. I was so nervous about asking you and –"

"Why were you nervous?"

Jess shrugged. "I don't know. I was just, I guess I thought it would be really embarrassing if I'd asked you and you'd said no."

"Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Why would I ever say no to this?"

"I…I have no idea. I guess I just let that possibility slip into my mind because of the way I was raised and everything. I wanted to prepare myself for that possibility, which of course only led me to be more nervous about asking you and then I –"

Alex laughed. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to be your maid of honor. You're going to get married in a beautiful and wonderful ceremony. Leave it at that."

Jess smiled. "I'm getting married in a month!" she exclaimed.

"I know! I'm so excited!"

"_You're_ excited? I'm the one getting married!"

"Yes, well, I can still be excited!"

"Will you help me pick out my dress?"

Alex smiled. "Of course. When do you want to go?"

Jess thought for a minute. The truth of the matter was that she hadn't even given a single ounce of thought into what kind of dress she wanted. She had been so preoccupied with planning everything else, and getting up the courage to ask Alex to be her maid of honor, that she hadn't even thought about what dress she wanted. She shrugged her shoulders. "I, uh, I have no idea."

"How about tomorrow at three?"

Jess nodded. "That sounds good."

"Are you going to have bridesmaids?"

"I thought about it, but I'm not sure. If I did, they'd be Olivia and…well, if she'll let me, Casey. Of course, then the list of wedding guests practically gets cut in half, so I'm not sure."

Alex smiled at Jess' nervousness. _Typical bride-to-be_, she thought. "Jess, do you want to have bridesmaids?"

"Kind of," Jess answered quietly.

"Then you should have them."

Jess shook her head, "But then there will hardly be any wedding guests! It'll look stupid if there are more people standing up there with Allen and I than there are watching us. I don't want people to laugh."

Alex rolled her eyes and put her hands on Jess' shoulders. She looked her in the eyes and smiled. "Jess," she said sternly. "Nobody's going to laugh. I saw the list of people you're inviting and I know everyone except Allen's mothers and his two friends from school. If any of them laugh at you, I'll kill them." she waited for Jess to smile, then continued. "I promise you nobody's going to laugh. This is _your wedding_, Jess. It's the day all little girls dream about. Make it the way you want it, and you'll be happy."

Jess sighed and nodded in agreement. "You're right."

"Of course I'm right."

"And cocky, too."

"I'm a lawyer. I have to be cocky."

Jess smiled. "Yeah, well, don't lose it. It's one of the many reasons I love you."

"You'll ask Liv and Casey?"

"Yeah. I'll ask them tomorrow."

"Good." She looked at her watch and frowned. "I'd better go. Liv's making dinner tonight and I'd rather not miss the opportunity not to have to cook for myself."

Jess gave Alex a quick hug, then ushered her out the door. "Enjoy your dinner, and thanks. I'll pick you up at three tomorrow and we'll go hunting for a dress."

"Okay, I'll see you later." Alex climbed into her car and rolled her window down. "And don't keep thanking me for this!" she screamed as she drove away.

"You wanted bridesmaids?" Allen asked once Jess shut the door.

Jess hesitated before turning around. Something about his voice sounded almost like he was going to start an argument with her. She took a deep breath. "It's not really a big deal. It was just something I was considering."

"Jess, honey," he said sternly. "You've got to tell me those things!"

"It's not a big deal, really."

He walked over to her and took her hand. "If it's important to you, it is a big deal."

"I just…I hate asking for things," she confessed.

"Why? This is your wedding. You're supposed to ask for things. If there's something more to the wedding you want, just ask. It's okay." He saw her look away and he squeezed her hand. "It's okay, honey. Why is this so hard for you?"

She threw her head back in frustration. "I hate asking for things because I was always punished for doing it as a kid and now it's just hard for me, okay!" she forced her hand out of his grasp and took off for the bedroom in tears.

_What the hell was that,_ he wondered. He slowly made his way to the bedroom and frowned when he saw her lying on her stomach on the bed, sobbing. He sat down next to her and placed his hand on her back. "Jess, sweetie," he said softly. "What happened just now? What was that?"

When she didn't immediately respond, he laid next to her and wrapped an arm around her. She took several deep breaths before she trusted herself enough to speak. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled."

He pulled her against him and gently combed his fingers through her hair. "It's okay. It's okay honey. I'm just worried about you. I just wanted you to understand that it's okay to want something for your wedding day."

She grabbed his hand and smiled when he gave it a gentle squeeze. "I was just always…trained not to ask for things. My parents would scream at me or send me to bed hungry or something if I ever asked for anything." She laughed angrily. "I remember one time they locked me in the hall closet for two hours because I asked for new pencils for school." She paused, taking several deep breaths and trying to will herself not to cry. "They never hit me and I never really thought of it as abuse or anything, but I still have a really hard time asking for things."

He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. He knew her childhood had been less than perfect, but he hadn't really known much about it. This was the first time he'd heard her talk about any kind of details. "I love you," he whispered into her ear. "You never have to worry about asking me for anything. If you want something – so long as it's not something outrageous like a brand new multi-million dollar boat – I promise I won't make you feel bad for asking for it."

"It's still hard."

"Then we'll practice."

"What?"

"Ask me for something."

"Allen –"

"Anything. Ask me for a hug, a kiss…anything. Just do it."

She rolled her eyes. "Allen, this is stupid."

"Jess, ask me for something."

She took a deep breath. She felt so ridiculous doing this. "Fine. Allen, can I have a bowl of fruit?"

He smiled. "Of course." He stood up and walked out of the room, knowing that she was shaking her head and rolling her eyes behind him. He went into the kitchen and pulled out a bowl. He proceeded to pour chop up a banana, an apple, and a piece of cantaloupe. He mixed them all together. He turned around to walk back to the bedroom and smiled when he saw her standing in the doorway to the kitchen. "Your bowl of fruit, my dear," he said, smiling as he handed it to her.

She took it from him and smiled. "Thank you."

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"It'll get easier," she said softly as she took a bite of banana.

"With practice?"

She smiled. "With practice."

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"You seriously made me fettuccini alfredo?" Alex asked as she walked into the house and found Olivia at the stove mixing the sauce. It was her favorite dish, and Olivia knew it. She walked over and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist. "What did I do to deserve this?"

Olivia turned her head and lightly kissed Alex. "You made me the happiest woman in the world…you were you." She turned back to her cooking and smiled. "Besides, you don't necessarily have to do something for me to cook for you. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I like doing it?"

"Really? I thought you hate cooking."

"I do."

"Then why are you doing it?"

Olivia rolled her eyes playfully and spun completely around. "Alex, do you know how you always leave little flowers or notes around the house?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you do it?"

"Because I like the look on your face when you find a flower in the fridge or something."

Olivia nodded. "Exactly. And I like the look on your face when I cook you your favorite dinner. See? It's the same thing. I like cooking for you because I know you enjoy it."

Alex smiled. "Well then, cook away, Detective."

As Olivia finished cooking dinner, Alex sat down in the living room and got lost in her thoughts. There was something she'd been thinking about for a while now, though she hadn't spoken with anybody about it. She'd wanted to give herself plenty of time to think it over before she broached the subject to anybody. She took a deep breath and figured now was as good a time as any to do it. Olivia was in a particularly good mood. Maybe she wouldn't get quite as upset if she was feeling so happy.

Olivia brought out two bowls of pasta and left to get the drinks. When she came back, she noticed that Alex was shoving the pasta around her bowl with her fork. She frowned and sat her own bowl down. "Okay, Alex. Spill. What's wrong?"

She put her bowl down and sighed. As she looked Olivia in the eyes, she began to shake with fear. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Promise you won't be mad? I've been thinking about something for a while and I really need to do this. I just don't want you to be mad."

Olivia shook her head in confusion. "Al, what is it?"

"I…um…well, you remember that day in the courtroom with Jennings…what Simpkins said about me not being qualified for my job?"

"Alex, that was complete bullshit and you know it! You know you're good at what you do. We all know that!"

Alex nodded. "I know I'm good at what I do, it's not that. It's just…"

"Honey, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, her voice full of worry.

She sighed. "I…I really miss actually practicing law like I used to."

Olivia smiled. "You want your old job back?"

"I won't take Casey's job away from her. She loves it and I think I love her too much to ask her to do that for me, but yeah, I want my old job back. Maybe I'll find another one someplace else…somewhere close. Are you mad?"

Olivia shook her head and wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulder. "Not at all."

"Do you think I'm weak for doing this?"

"Weak?"

"For giving up. I mean, I don't really think I'm giving up. I'm never home and the stress with being Bureau Chief is insane. I just, I think I…I think I want another SVU job." she said as she looked down to her lap. "I think I need to put those perps in jail. Plus, I know there's going to be a lot of meetings and evaluations and investigation into my abilities. I really don't want to have to deal with that."

Olivia smiled. She placed her hand on Alex's chin and forced her to look up. As their eyes met, her smile grew. "I could never think you were weak. Never. You are by far the strongest, bravest woman I know, Alex, and I will support any decision you make."

"It'll mean a pay cut."

"We'll be fine. You had a trust fund that started as soon as you turned eighteen, right?" When Alex nodded, she smiled. "And you received one hundred thousand dollars every year until this past one, right?" Another nod from Alex told her to keep going. "Then there's nothing to worry about. Do what you want to do, honey. Do what makes you happy."

"Thank you."

Olivia smiled. "I love you, Alex. I will always support you, no matter what."

They finished their dinner in silence, though it was a comfortable one. Alex let her mind travel to all the possible places to look for an SVU position where she could stay in New York. Olivia just smiled and fought the tears, amazed at the woman sitting beside her.

That night, Olivia filled the bathtub with lavender bubble bath and lit several candles around the tub. She was happy to see Alex easily slip out of her clothing and climb into the tub with her. With each passing day, Alex was becoming more and more comfortable doing this, and Olivia was ecstatic. She wrapped her arms around Alex and smiled. "You know, you did that pretty easily tonight."

"I know," Alex said, smiling. "That's because you make it easy."

"Well, I can still be proud of you."

"And I can be pretty proud of myself," Alex said modestly as she leaned into Olivia and allowed the lavender scent to envelop her.

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"Okay, Jess, ready to go pick out your wedding dress?" Alex asked as they climbed into the car and drove towards the store.

She nodded. "I think I am."

"Good. I know just the place."

They arrived at a small, yet quaint brownstone in Manhattan several minutes later. Alex skillfully parallel parked the car and they went inside. As soon as she saw all the dresses, Jess was sure this was the right place, and she wouldn't have to look at any other stores. "Alex, how'd you know this was the right place?"

Alex smiled. "Because none of their gowns are floofy or poofy or any of that other oofy stuff that you hate. They're elegant and beautiful yet simple. I figured you'd find a nice one here."

"Thank you," Jess said as she began looking. There were so many to choose from that she almost felt overwhelmed. There were several long-sleeved ones that she immediately dismissed, as well as a few that were way too long. She thought for a few minutes before deciding that she wanted a strapless gown.

"That narrows down your options considerably," Alex told her with a smile as she led her over to the selection of strapless gowns. "Now the question is, do you want to be all sparkly or do you want to be a little more plain?" She held up two gowns, one with ruffles and sparkles on the top, and the other a plain white. "Which one do you like?"

Jess smiled. "Is it bad that I like the plain white one?"

"Not at all. Besides, it's got ruffles at the bottom and it comes with a fairly lengthy tail. I don't think it's all that plain at all."

"I guess I'll go try it on."

"You should. Maybe I'll try one on, too, just for fun."

Jess laughed. "You should."

Both women took a dress and went into a changing stall. It was nearly impossible to get out of their clothing and into the dresses in such a small space, but they managed. They slowly made their way out to meet each other and zipped up each other's dress. Afterwards, they walked over to the full-length mirrors and admired themselves.

Jess' eyes widened as she saw Alex. The dress was sleeveless and slightly ruffled at the top. At the end of the ruffles, it was silky smooth and stuck out slightly at her hips, giving her more curves than she actually had, though it looked very good. Alex's long blonde hair fell past her shoulders and her bare chest accentuated the blonde color even more. Her blue eyes were crystal-colored and the dress only helped bring them out. "Alex, you look…wow," she was speechless.

"That bad?"

"Are you kidding? You look amazing."

Alex turned and looked at herself in the mirror. She couldn't help but smile sadly at her reflection. She would have given anything for the right to wear that dress and stand next to Olivia in a wedding ceremony. "It's a beautiful dress," she said softly.

"And you look beautiful in it," Jess said firmly. She smiled, sensing what Alex was feeling. "I think, after Allen and I get married, you and Liv should have a little ceremony," she held up her hands to keep Alex from arguing. "I know you can't get married, but you can get a civil union and put each other as your next of kin. Then you can have a lovely ceremony and exchange vows and stuff…" she let her voice drift off and waited several minutes while Alex looked at herself in the mirror. "I know it wouldn't be the same as what Allen and I are doing, and I hate that our laws are what they are, but at least it's something…"

Alex grabbed Jess' hand and squeezed. "Thank you."

Jess winked. "You're welcome. What do you say we buy both of these dresses?"

She shook her head. "I can't be your maid of honor in a wedding dress."

"True, but you can wear this when you're declaring your love for Olivia. We can search for your bridesmaid dress after we buy these."

"You're serious aren't you?"

"Absolutely."

She thought for a minute, then sighed. "I don't want to buy it just yet. I want to wait until I'm sure Olivia wants to stay together. I think I'd be jinxing things if I bought it too soon."

"Well as soon as you're sure, we're getting you this dress."

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"Jess, you invited us out to lunch today for a reason," Olivia said as she dug into her chocolate cake. "We've eaten lunch and now we're working on desert. What gives?"

Casey laughed and took a bite of her strawberry cheesecake. "Yeah, why'd you drag me away from all my paperwork that I've managed to procrastinate until the last minute?"

Two days after picking out her wedding dress with Alex, Jess decided to ask Olivia and Casey to lunch to see if they would be her bridesmaids. After eating their lunch and most of their desert, she realized she couldn't postpone asking them much longer. She set her fork down and smiled. "Well, I know this is kind of last minute, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I was just wondering if maybe you two would be bridesmaids at my wedding?"

"Really?" Olivia asked.

"Only if you want to of course. I mean I'd hate to drag you two into something –"

"Jess," Casey interrupted. "We'd love to."

Jess breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. What colors do you like? I have to pick out your dresses and I really don't want to get a color one of you doesn't like."

Casey laughed. "Just don't get anything yellow. That color does nothing for my hair."

"And I look terrible in lime green," Olivia added.

"How about light blue?"

They both nodded. "It'll be fine," Olivia said. "Pick out the colors that go well with your decorations and everything. I promise we'll be fine with it. We'll come shopping with you next weekend for our fittings." She smiled. "Your wedding's in a month, Jess!"

"I know!" she said excitedly. "I'm so nervous!"

"Alex said you looked amazing in your dress," Casey said calmly. "I can't wait to see it."

"I just want to be married."

"Well I'm sure that day will come sooner than you think."

She laughed and sighed. "Yeah it probably will. I won't be ready when it comes and I'm sure I'll be an emotional wreck and everything, but I still can't wait. I wish it was tomorrow. I can't wait to be Mrs. Jessica Handley."

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Though everyone had warned her that it would come much quicker than she expected, the wedding day arrived before Jess knew it was even approaching. She awoke to the screaming of her cell phone. She rolled over and groaned as she answered it.

"Hello?"

"Jess, it's Alex. You have a hair appointment in thirty minutes."

Jess shot up out of bed. "_What?_" she screamed into the phone. "I'm not even showered or dressed or –"

"Jess," Alex interrupted calmly. "Just wear something comfortable that you can easily slip out of without messing up your hair. They'll shampoo and condition your hair before they style it. It's okay. I'll be by to pick you up in fifteen minutes."

She hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom, stubbing her toe on the door jam on the way. "Shit!" she mumbled as she quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face. As she was drying her face, she looked in the mirror and smiled. _I'm getting married today_, she happily told herself. _After today, I'm going to be Mrs. Jessica Handley._ She quickly threw on a large t-shirt and sweatpants, grabbed her purse, and ran outside to meet Alex.

"I woke you up, didn't I?" Alex asked once Jess climbed into the car.

"No," Jess lied horribly.

"You know, you're not supposed to sleep through your wedding day."

Jess laughed. "Alex, just drive. I want to get my hair done." As they were driving, a sudden thought occurred to her. "Alex, we never had a rehearsal. This is going to be bad! We don't know what we're doing!"

Alex laughed. "Honey, relax. They're playing nice music while you're getting ready and as soon as you hear 'Here Comes the Bride,' you walk down the aisle. Remember that you chose to have a very, very simple wedding, so there's not going to be a lot of chatter. The priest'll do his 'We join these two in holy matrimony' speech, you'll exchange vows, and you'll be married."

"That sounds like a lot. What if I screw up?"

"You can't. All you have to do is say 'I do' and 'I will,' and then it's over."

Jess nodded and tried to calm down. She took several deep breaths and closed her eyes. "I just want to get my hair done and get married. This waiting really sucks."

Alex shook her head and drove to the hair salon. As Jess was getting her hair done, Alex sat and read magazines. She had opted against getting her hair professionally done and had instead decided to pull it up into a half ponytail and leave several strands hanging down in front. She always liked the way she looked with her hair pulled up like that – plus, it was easier and cheaper than having someone else do it for her.

After finishing at the salon, they headed for the park. Jess was going to change in a trailer that Fin was providing – free of charge – and then the wedding would begin. She had decided on light blue evening gowns for Alex, Casey, and Olivia, and none of them had objected. Once they finished helping her into her dress and makeup, they quickly changed themselves. The three of them hurried up to the alter to wait for Jess. They joined Allen, who was standing next to two men they didn't recognize – presumably his friends from school. They smiled politely and took their places, ready for the procession to begin.

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Just as Jess finished putting on her shoes, she heard the beginning of "Here Comes the Bride." She smiled excitedly and quickly stepped out of the trailer. As she looked up, she was happy to see Cragen, Munch, Fin, Elliot, Steve, and Dr. Pryman, along with her husband and three kids, were all sitting on her side. She looked over at Allen's side and was happy to see his two moms, along with their three recently adopted children. She smiled at all of them and continued making her way up the aisle.

"Dearly beloved," the priest began. "We are gathered here today before these friends and family, to join together this man and this woman in the estate of matrimony. Matrimony is an honorable and cherished estate, and should not be entered into lightly, but rather with honor, respect, friendship and love. It is into this union that these two persons before me now come to be joined."

He looked out to the wedding guests and asked if anyone had any objections to this pairing. He smiled, then turned his attention back to Jess and Allen. "Will you, Allen, have Jessica to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health; forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?"

Allen smiled. "I will."

"And will you, Jessica, have Allen to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honor, and keep him, in sickness and in health; forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?"

Jess fought the tears and smiled. "I will."

The priest continued. "Traditionally, the marking of the passage to husband and wife is marked by the exchange of rings. These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows you have taken." He looked at the two of them, then turned his attention to Allen. "Allen, repeat after me: With this ring,"

"With this ring,"

"I thee wed."

"I thee wed."

"In sickness and in health, in poverty or wealth, 'till death do us part."

He placed the ring on Jess' finger. "In sickness and in health, in poverty or wealth, 'till death do us part."

He looked at Jess. "And now Jessica, please repeat after me. With this ring,"

"With this ring."

"I thee wed."

"I thee wed."

"In sickness and in health, in poverty or wealth, 'till death do us part."

She slipped the ring onto Allen's finger. "In sickness and in health, in poverty or wealth, 'till death do us part."

The priest smiled. "Now with the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife." He looked at Allen. "You may kiss the bride."

As they kissed, Jess felt a few tears running down her cheeks, but she didn't care. She wrapped her arms around Allen's waist and held tight to him, never wanting this moment to end. Finally, as they pulled away and headed down the aisle, and as she heard the cheers from everyone she loved, she knew her life was complete.

That night, they had a wonderful reception. The music selection was perfect, and the dance floor was large enough that everyone could dance at the same time. It was in that moment, when Jess saw every single person dancing together, that she was happy her wedding had been such a small one. It had bothered her, at first, that she didn't have very many close friends or family. Now, however, she wouldn't change a single person for anything. She may not have had very many guests, but those that were there meant the world to her. As she danced with Allen during the final dance of the night, she couldn't wait to hop on the plane in the morning and fly to Bermuda. It was a last-minute decision to go there for the honeymoon, and she was excited. She'd never been there before, and she knew it would be romantic spending the time with Allen.

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"Allen, have I told you today just how much I love you?" Jess asked as they made their way out onto the beach. It was their first full day of their honeymoon, and they intended to spend it lying on the beach and swimming in the ocean.

He smiled and slipped his arm around her waist. "I don't think I've heard it yet today. That was nice."

They found a fairly secluded spot and spread out their beach blanket. After applying sunscreen, they looked at each other lovingly. Neither was sure what to do next. After several minutes, Jess took the first step. She shoved his shoulder gently and then took off for the water. "Bet ya can't catch me!" she yelled over her shoulder.

He laughed and took off after her, catching her just as her feet hit the water. He scooped her off her feet and carried her until the water was deep enough that he could no longer do so. They stood there, just beyond the breaking waves, and held each others hands.

"You looked so beautiful yesterday," he told her.

"Only because I was standing next to the most handsome man in the world."

Their seven-day honeymoon didn't seem like enough time to spend together away from the real world. As the final day approached, they were sad to be leaving this tropical paradise.

"Just think of it this way," Allen told her as they were boarding the plane. "Olivia and Alex are leaving for their cruise in three weeks. Once they're gone, we've got plans to add on that room. We'll be working like dogs and it's going to be so much fun. We'll get to spend some quality time with our friends."

Jess smiled and buckled her seatbelt. "Yeah, I'm actually really excited about getting that room done for Alex. Olivia was right. She's a lot happier now than she was when I first met her, but she's still got this sadness in her eyes that never seems to go away. I really hope this helps."

"I'm sure it will."

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"Alex, do you have everything you need?" Olivia asked as she zipped up her suitcase and put it by the door.

"I think so," Alex answered. She looked around the room, trying to make sure she wasn't forgetting something. "I feel like I'm forgetting something, though I have no idea what that something might be."

"Do you have your pajamas?"

"Yes."

"Toothbrush?"

"Yep."

"Hairbrush?"

"Yep."

"Clean underwear?"

"Got it."

"Bathing suit?"

Alex hesitated. There it was, the one thing she was terrified of wearing happened to be the one thing she had forgotten to pack. She hadn't really realized how much walking around in a bathing suit scared her until this moment. She looked away and tried not to cry.

Olivia sensed Alex's apprehension and smiled. "Tee-shirt and shorts?" she offered.

Alex took a deep breath and shook her head. "No. I'll wear the bathing suit."

"You're a beautiful woman, Alex, and you're going to look just fine in that bathing suit."

She took a deep breath. "As long as you're next to me, I might just keep believing that."

Olivia wrapped an arm around her waist. "Then I'll always be next to you."

_Damn I want to go buy that dress_, Alex thought happily. Still, it was too early. She wanted Olivia to actually propose or something before she went and spent money on a dress.

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It was just two days into their eleven-day project and already the framing for the walls was being put in place. Jess had hired a local group of builders and had promised them a substantial amount of money if they could have it done in three or four days. As luck would have it, she would be able to get everyone in there to start painting and decorating by tomorrow. Casey and Paul had agreed to help paint, and Casey had even hinted at the fact that she was pretty good at Calligraphy.

"It might be kind of weird," Casey had said earlier that week. "But I was thinking that maybe we could put one or two of her favorite songs along the trim of the room…you know, write in the lyrics or something."

Jess smiled. "Case, I really like that idea."

Casey nodded. "Okay. I'll look through some songs and see what I can find."

"Actually, talk to Olivia. If you can't get a hold of her before she leaves, she's promised that the ship has an Internet Café or something where she can access her email. That's how I'm getting half the pictures for this thing anyway."

"Okay, thanks."

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Their room was more beautiful than anything Alex had ever seen. They had a huge open area with a couch and television. Off to one corner was the kitchen and the bathroom. In the back was the queen-sized bed along with a large dresser and another TV. Next to the couch in the living area was a door to a fairly large balcony. "Oh, Liv, this place is amazing!"

Olivia smiled and walked her out onto the deck. "I thought you'd like one with a balcony. We've got a great view." She held Alex's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "We are going to have such an incredible time."

Alex returned the squeeze and looked into Olivia's eyes. "I don't think I've ever been this happy. I owe it all to you, Liv. Thank you so much for taking me on this cruise." She slipped away back into the room to retrieve something from her suitcase. A few moments later, she returned with a long, slender black box.

Olivia smiled and raised her eyebrows. "What's this?"

"My gift to you."

"You got me something?"

Alex laughed. "Liv, it's our one-year anniversary! Of course I got you something. Now open it."

Olivia slowly opened the box and gasped at what she saw. Inside was a diamond necklace, complete with matching earrings. She looked up at Alex and her jaw dropped. "Alex, it's beautiful."

"I thought you might like it. I saw it at the store a few weeks ago and knew I had to get it for you."

She leaned over and lightly kissed her. "I love it. Thank you."

"Yeah, well, you outdid me by a lot with this cruise."

"Nonsense. I absolutely love the necklace and earrings. They're beautiful and they're perfect." She wrapped her arms around Alex tightly and kissed her again, though this time more passionately. There was something about being out on the balcony, the rocking of the boat, and the scent of the water, that made the kiss even more amazing. "I love you," she said softly as they pulled away from each other.

Alex smiled. "I love you, too."

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The walls were all painted a very light blue. It had barely taken an hour to finish all of them. With the help of Steve, Allen, and Elliot, the trim had been put on the wall in a matter of minutes. Afterwards, Casey, Fin, and Munch had stepped in, and everyone grabbed a paintbrush and started painting.

As everyone waited for the paint to dry, Jess took the pictures and laid them out on the floor, trying to figure out how to best arrange them on the walls. It had been decided that one wall would be just the fireplace and mantle, another would be one large picture of Alex and Olivia, the third – the one with the door – would have all the other pictures, and the fourth would be Casey's lyrics. She had decided that the trim was too small and uneven to be able to write anything on.

"Do you have a song picked out?" Jess asked.

"Yea, I do. It's called 'Beautiful in My Eyes,' and it's by Joshua Kadison. Olivia told me that she really wants that to be the song Alex see when she walks into the room. I looked at the lyrics and I can understand why."

"Let me see," Jess said as Casey handed her the piece of paper. As she read the lyrics, she smiled. "Casey, this is perfect. She's going to love it."

"I hope so."

They continued working on the room nearly all day for the next five days. The stones were set in the fireplace. Two pictures of Alex and Olivia were put on either end of the mantle, and Casey put a framed copy of "If that's what it Takes," by Celine Dion between the pictures. She had written the lyrics in perfect calligraphy, and was rather pleased with the result. Jess hired a few people to enlarge a picture of Alex and Olivia sitting on a deck by the river. Once it was the right size – nine feet by eight feet – she had it mounted on the one wall. She had initially been worried that the picture would look distorted, but she smiled when she saw that it hadn't lost any of its quality.

"I guess I just have to write the lyrics on the one wall while you put all the pictures on the other," Casey said as she admired the enlarged picture.

"Yep. We should get started. They're coming home in two days. I want this to be completely finished when they get here."

Casey got to work on writing the lyrics on the side wall while Jess started placing the pictures on the opposite wall. Allen helped put the pictures towards the top, where Jess couldn't reach. Everyone else left to return to work, but promised to return before Alex and Olivia. They all wanted to see Alex's expression when she walked through the door into her new room.

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It was the last night of their cruise, and Olivia wanted it to be special. They had been having the most amazing time, and she was sad to see it end. They'd toured ruins in Athens and Palaces in Rome. Alex had even gone snorkeling with her, which had been a blast. She had chosen her solid black, one-piece bathing suit, and it had looked amazing on her. It had taken Olivia several tries to convince Alex to remove her towel and join her in the water, but eventually she had done so, and had had a good time.

"Thanks for convincing me to go snorkeling," she told Olivia that night at dinner. "I really had a lot of fun."

"Good. I'm glad you came out with me. It wouldn't have been nearly as fun alone."

They enjoyed their dinner and decided to turn in early, wanting to spend the last night together, without anyone else distracting them. Olivia was able to convince Alex to take a shower by herself, claiming she had something to show her but first had to get it ready. Alex had reluctantly agreed and retreated into the bathroom.

As Alex was showering, Olivia called room service and told them she was ready. She had told them her plan on the first night, so they were prepared for her call. They brought up two small plates of strawberry cheesecake and a bottle of wine. Olivia thanked them and gave them a large tip. She placed the plates on the table and took out a small box from her suitcase. Inside the box was the wedding ring she'd picked out months earlier, when she'd first began planning the cruise. She gently placed the ring in the center of Alex's cake, dimmed the lights, lit two candles, and waited.

"Liv, why's it so dark in here?" Alex asked when she stepped into the room.

"Come here," Olivia said smiling. "I have something for you."

Alex approached slowly, "What?"

"Just come here."

As she neared the table, she saw the two plates of cheesecake and smiled. Olivia knew it was her favorite desert. She slowly pulled the chair out and sat down. She could feel Olivia's eyes gazing at her and she had no idea why. She picked up her fork and cut her first bite. As she was pulling the fork towards her mouth, her jaw dropped. She saw it. "Oh my God," she said as she put the fork down and picked up the ring. She looked up at Olivia. "Is this what I think it is?"

Olivia knelt down next to Alex and smiled. "Yes, it is." Olivia gently removed the ring from Alex's grasp and easily slid it onto her finger. She held her hands there for a few seconds, trying to gain her composure, and then returned her gaze to Alex. "I love you so much, and I would be honored if you would accept this proposal. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You make me the happiest woman in the world and I have no idea what I'd do without you. Alex, will you marry me?"

Alex felt her eyes fill with tears as she wiped her arms around Olivia. "Yes!"

"We can have a little ceremony or something. We'll sign whatever papers we have to in order to make sure nobody comes between us or anything. You're my next of kin and I'm yours…all that stuff."

"I can get that wedding dress."

"What dress?"

"The one I tried on with Jess. I really liked it."

Olivia smiled. "Then we'll go shopping as soon as we get back."

"You really want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

"More than anything else in this entire world."

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Casey, Steve, Elliot, Fin, Munch, Cragen, Allen, and Jess all huddled by the fireplace, waiting for Olivia and Alex to arrive. They were due any minute now, and nobody wanted to ruin the surprise. They kept as quiet as they could, Jess with the remote to the CD player in hand, and waited. Finally, after what seemed like forever, they heard the front door open. They held their breath as they heard the excited footsteps coming closer. As the door slowly opened, they waited for Alex to stick her head in, then they all stood up and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

"What the…" Alex said as the room suddenly filled with light. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. _A new room?_ She looked around as her eyes filled with tears. She saw all of her friends' smiling faces first, then the huge picture of her and Olivia, then the other pictures, and finally the lyrics to her favorite song. As her eyes scanned the lyrics, Jess pressed play on the remote, and the song began playing. She felt a few tears fall as Olivia began to sing along.

_You're my piece of mind, in this crazy world  
You're every thing I've tried to find  
Your love is a pearl  
You're my Mona Lisa  
You're my rainbow skies  
And my only prayer is that you realize  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes... _

_The world will turn  
And the seasons will change  
And all the lessons we will learn  
Will be beautiful and strange  
We'll have our fell of tears  
Our share of sight  
My only prayer is that you realize  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes... _

_You will always be beautiful in my eyes  
And the passing is the show  
That you will always grow  
Ever more beautiful in my eyes _

_And there are lines upon my face  
From a life time of smiles  
When the time comes to embrace  
For one long last wine  
We can laugh about how time really flies this  
We won't say goodbye  
'Cause true love never dies  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes... _

_You will always be beautiful in my eyes  
And the passing is the show  
That you will always grow  
Ever more beautiful in my eyes _

_The passing is the show  
That you will always grow  
Ever more beautiful in my eyes... _

Jess walked over and hugged her. "This is from all of us. Happy anniversary."

Alex had no idea what to say. Tears were pouring down her face as she looked at everyone. "This…you all…how did you….this is from all of you?"

"All the guys really helped with the construction and painting," Jess told her. "Olivia provided the pictures and I put them on the wall. Casey wrote the lyrics on the wall and on that frame on the mantle."

One by one, everyone in the room took turns hugging a now sobbing and blubbering Alex. "You guys, you didn't have to do all this for me! A simple Hallmark card would have been enough."

"Nonsense," Munch said. "Besides, we got to get down and dirty with nails and stuff. It was fun."

"Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me."

Olivia slowly walked over and hugged her. "You like it? It was Jess' idea."

"I love it. Jess, thank you so much."

Jess shook her head. "It wasn't just me. Everybody helped."

"Well, thank you." She turned her gaze back to Olivia and lightly kissed her. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Always and forever."

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THE END!

Thanks to alexlivilla70 for the idea of Olivia proposing on the cruise! I never would have thought to do it that way :)

If this chapter is too long, please let me know and I'll break it up into two smaller ones. I know this was really long but I wanted to get everything out there so this story would be over. I'm really anxious to start the sequel :)

Also, the title of the sequel is "Forever and Always"…yes, I'm aware of my lack of creativity. Get over it.


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